Six Common Misconceptions about God’s Will

Posted on
17

Question RoadWhere is God calling you? What is God’s will for your life?

I believe God has a unique assignment for each one of us–some way He wants us to bring His healing & His peace to those on earth. It can be confusing, can’t it? You want to follow God, but there are all kinds of voices, especially Christian voices, telling you which path to take. I’m growing tired of Christians making a ministry job the sign of a certain holiness that the practicing doctor hasn’t obtained. I’m tired of the question, “Where is God calling you?” because I believe we already have the answer to this question.

Sometimes the word “calling” feels like an excuse to float through life. Other times, I’ve heard it used by people who in some way feel like they need to defend their high-paying job to Christian peers. I really struggled with these questions when I moved home from China. I didn’t have a clue what God was “calling me” to and I prayed and begged for nearly two years–a prayer that quickly turned into, “what do you want me to do?? I’ll do whatever you tell me–just tell me something!” Have you ever felt that way?

Here are six common misconceptions about choosing a career path that I wish I knew long before last year:

1.) God’s will is a labyrinth. You need to make sure you don’t mess up and make the wrong decision. I’ve received messages from college students paralyzed with fear over their career path because as one girl said, “I just don’t want to choose the wrong path!” Here’s the truth: If your heart desires to follow God and you are seeking His will, you can’t go wrong. He gives wisdom and direction generously. (James 1:5) Remember, He is a good Dad not a cruel taskmaster waiting for you to make the wrong decision.

2.) There is only one right path/decision/career. If you need to make a decision, sometimes God doesn’t speak clearly and we are left frustrated. Confused. Michael faced this when deciding to move home from Germany. He prayed without ceasing, but after several months still didn’t know what God wanted for his next step. In these situations, God gives us wisdom to choose. Choose something! Don’t live in fear of making the wrong decision because it’s not always that clear-cut. Often times, God’s will is allowing us to choose.

3.) Ministry jobs are a higher calling than secular jobs. Truth: God needs bankers and lawyers and church workers and missionaries to build His diverse Kingdom. I left full-time Christian work for the business world. Each of us are required to “do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly” with God. And do whatever we can to make sure our peers, coworkers, and those around us know the God who sent His Son. FOR THEIR FREEDOM.

4.) You need to figure out exactly which career God has for you before taking a job. NO! Getting a job–any job–will help you in your quest to find the right job. Also, it’s ok if you take a job in your twenties and you decide two years later it isn’t the life for you. I don’t think you would feel as guilty if you didn’t have Christians running around saying, “but I thought ____________ was your calling?” God leads us down many different paths (I was a missionary & now I’m in publishing) especially if you consider the lives of many Biblical giants.  Side note: I highly recommend working before going back to school because it will help you clarify your job path.

5.) There is no turning back after not following God’s leading and making a wrong decision. Not true! Read Recalculating and God’s Plans if you are struggling with this mindset.

6.) Making a high salary is dangerous. We know the verse about rich men entering the Kingdom of God. We know the love of money is the root of all evil. But here’s the truth: if you love money and chase after it with clinching fists–it doesn’t matter if you have little or much, your misplaced desires will destroy you, not the money in itself. I will always be thankful for those with plenty, because their generosity made my years in China possible. You are free to pursue a job with a high salary! And if Christians look down on you, don’t let them make you feel guilty. Give generously & keep open hands on money that doesn’t belong to you anyways.

What do you wish you knew before making a career decision? Did any of my misconceptions help clarify a decision you are facing today? 

The Road Less Traveled : On Choosing the Right Path

Posted on
12

Image of path splitting

How do I figure out what to do with my life? How do I choose a career path? How do I go about making a big decision–one that will forever change me?

I remember exactly where I was sitting–on a tan couch I’d bought off Craig’s list in my apartment in Atlanta. The Logic Games Bible, Essays that Will Get You Into Law School, and 10 Actual, Official LSAT PrepTests and various other books were scattered about the coffee table as I took my 2nd practice LSAT. I finished and barely exhaled while I checked each answer and scored my test. I scored higher than I imagined possible.

I assumed my high score and love for learning {I used to actually enjoy exam week in college} meant God wanted me to go to law school. But after I patted myself on the back a few times and sat down with a bowl of ice cream to celebrate, I felt unsettled.

The year before, I’d met Natalie and led her to Christ. Her faith had such a deep impact on my life that I applied to move to China with a missions organization. However, I did not get accepted–which spiraled me into confusion. I believed God led me to apply to China and wanted me to serve in missions after college. It felt like a slammed door in my face.

I sat there in my tiny apartment with my LSAT practice score that I’d circled and put 5 exclamation points after staring back at me. I formed some resemblance of a prayer, but I was scared of what God might tell me to do. “Seriously?! I already applied to go to China and was rejected, remember?” It was a pivotal moment in my life. Two paths diverged and I had a choice: law school or missions in China. Three weeks later, I packed up my LSAT books and started preparing for China.

I moved in China in August of 2008. Over the next two years, I watched movies & talked about boys with life-long friends as they ate chicken feet. I learned Mandarin and became an “unforgettable foreigner” in more than one situation. I held my breath as I scrubbed a pregnant woman’s back in a public bath house–and there finally felt accepted into the culture. But everything wasn’t perfect. If you read What Now? When Life Doesn’t Turn Out Like You Planned you know about the trials I experienced and how my missions team fell apart. But you also know how God redeemed the situation. He led me and a few friends to a small countryside town in rural China where many came to know Christ & miracles happened. 

What if I hadn’t gone to China? What if I insisted on going to law school, despite knowing God had other plans for me? How different my life would be if I attended law school and now practiced law. Michael and I wouldn’t have married. I would probably be too busy to write this blog. God sent me to China for a season, I believe, to break me of pride and know Him more.

Hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it? I can now see clearly why China was best for me. Not because it was in some way “holier” than law school or clearly what God wanted since it was missions. But because I knew myself. I looked down the road and knew I would be a real jerk if I was some “important” lawyer. And the harder I prayed, the more I  knew in my heart God had incredible plans and people for me on the other side of the globe. The hardest part of these decisions is most of the time they are unclear. At the exact moment I was feeling the tug towards China, another twenty-something was probably feeling the same pull towards law school. We serve a personal God who fashions plans for our lives based on our uniqueness.

In the words of Robert Frost:

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

What decisions are you facing today? How did you decide your career path? What’s the last big decision you made?

The Truth about Valentine’s Day

Posted on
7

Girl holding a heart

Over the past week, I’ve listened intently to people’s comments about Valentine’s Day—a day exciting for some and a painful reminder of singleness for others.

While shopping, I engaged in a conversation with two female clerks about Valentine’s Day, which quickly led to an anxiety-ridden story.

“I’m supposed to get engaged this year. My boyfriend said this was the year. I don’t think he has a ring…it would be so nice if I was engaged by my younger sister’s wedding…in April.”

The other Nordstrom clerk, who I presumed to be in her early thirties, chimed in: “Yeah, I really hope my boyfriend has something special planned…I mean definitely not a ring or anything, but just some flowers or something sweet.” Then added, “We’re both kindof afraid of marriage.”

On Sunday, I overheard a woman tell the nail technician, “I’m not stupid enough to get married.” Some married co-workers said Valentine’s Day is just like any other day—and they wouldn’t want their spouse to give them roses just because some holiday told them to. Some women at the gym were discussing a ‘night on the town’. And my favorite was a woman in her early seventies (who I see every morning at the gym!) told the ladies in the locker room she was making her husband’s favorite dinner for Valentine’s.

Image of children kissingWhatever today has in store for you, whether you find yourself swept up in the arms of someone you can’t live without or you are only reminded that you have not yet been chosen–I want to talk about marriage. After getting married last June, I am now acutely aware at how misguided so many are in regards to what marriage does and does not mean. I want to share a definition of marriage I heard this weekend that may help you see what God designed it for.

“Marriage: a flawed person married to a flawed person in a fallen world. With a faithful God.” –Paul Tripp

The only thing that makes marriage good is simply God. If your “right person” consists of someone who will never disappoint you and who is always in the mood for romance, you will continue searching. If you do get married, then this mindset will cause you to look elsewhere when he/she doesn’t meet your expectations. In regards to marriage, you can choose between sinners and greater sinners. I truly believe marriage is designed to bring us into a deeper understanding of the enormous love Christ displayed for us in His death. As Tim Keller notes, “the reason marriage is so painful, and yet so wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once.”

Last year, I experienced a bit of painful & wonderful on Valentine’s. I was already engaged on February 14th. Michael and I were in the midst of wedding planning. But even with my relationship status and the wonderful man I loved dearly, I cried most of the day. It was one of those days where you cry so much that your face becomes almost unrecognizable. I was dealing with some very intense rejection & pain (unrelated to Michael). I’m sure the last way Michael expected this day to go included me sobbing in pajamas just minutes before we were supposed to leave for our dinner reservation. I remember him saying, “You just do whatever you need to do. We can go to dinner or not—it’s totally up to you.” After several complaints of “I look terrible” and Michael affirming me, I pulled myself together and we showed up an hour late for our reservation. It wasn’t perfect, but it was real. We ate salmon at our favorite restaurant overlooking the Nashville skyline. That’s real marriage—two sinners who can bear one another’s burdens & commit for the long haul no matter what happens. Michael’s love towards me despite how I acted demonstrated the Gospel—because when we were totally undeserving, Christ died for us.

Believe the Gospel today. God has not forgotten you. He knows every intricate detail about you and how you long to be loved. Proverbs says He will give you the desires of your heart. I don’t know if that means a Valentine or not—but I do know you can trust Him with your heart.

Why?

He always recalculates, even when we are unfaithful.                                                         He chose you.                                                                                                                       He rescued us, when we were imprisoned and without hope.                                            He has given you a visible body, not to compare to others, but to make Christ visible. Because He is a good Dad.

What are your plans for Valentines? Did this post resonate with you or give you a renewed perspective on love and marriage?

Will you take 30 seconds to help me improve my blog?

Posted on
10

Image of survey

RuthieDean.com is undergoing some changes and I need your help! Will you take 30 seconds and answer the questions below? I truly value your feedback and want to provide every reader with the best experience. (Please make sure you click “vote” after each question.)

I am considering changing my tagline.

Also, I will be adding ads to the sidebar and want to know what ads would best serve my readers.

I would like to know how you found my blog.

Finally, if you have any suggestions about how to improve RuthieDean.com or topics you’d like to see covered, please leave a comment below! Constructive criticism is always welcome.

I’ll be back tomorrow with a Valentine’s post.

If I’m so “pretty & awesome”…why isn’t anyone asking me out?

Posted on
27

Last week, I wrote Never Have I Ever : Unveiling Promiscuity where I discussed pain as a driving reason behind promiscuity. Daddy issues & sexual abuse were two of the stories I heard over and over from promiscuous women. Today, I want to continue the discussion–because I believe it is vital to understand another component of a woman’s sexual choices.

“I have to fight the urge to want to be like them….they were wanted by somebody. It is so tempting to give in, to feel beautiful and desired by someone again,” one woman confessed.

I know what it feels like to be told by friends, “If I was a guy, I would be totally into you”. It’s not helpful, is it? If I’m so so “pretty & awesome” then why isn’t anyone asking me out? When I was single, these talks often made me feel worse because I didn’t want 10 friends (even male friends) dishing out compliments. I just wanted to be picked by one man. I wanted someone (NORMAL) to find my forgetfulness charming & who thought my tone-deaf singing was endearing. Have you ever felt this way before? Like you are shouting “for goodness sakes SOMEONE PICK ME!” ?

As women, we were created with a desire to be desired. Little girls often put on dresses spin in front of their father’s and ask, “Am I beautiful?” This part of us–the part where we long to be chosen and found beautiful–can feel like a curse. You must understand that your longing to be loved & chosen by a man is normal. You are not desperate or pathetic. However, it is vital make sense of this aspect of who we are because it can lead to unhealthy places.

Three places unmet desires with men often lead women:

Promiscuity. It’s easy to think that by giving in sexually, men will desire us & the aching question “Will someone pick me?” will be satisfied. Especially in a culture where we hear things like “men think about sex every 3 seconds” and the media incessantly tells and shows us how to seduce. I distinctly remember a friend’s words after having a one night stand: “I just feel so empty…so used.” She slept with someone because she was sick of being alone & wanted to be desired.

Pretending to be someone you’re not. Be yourself in relationships & don’t try to morph into someone different for a man. Down the road, physical attraction fades and the truth comes out. If you aren’t into fishing, or bar hopping, or living overseas be upfront about it! Physical attraction isn’t everything. Being best friends is what will make your relationship last and stand the test of time along with cute interns who know all the football scores & sensitive men who are passionate about moving abroad.

“I don’t care” attitude. It’s easy after years of waiting or rejection to start to not give a d*&% whether or not a man notices you. Oftentimes the way this presents itself is through “letting oneself go”. I get it. I put on 25+ pounds in China and didn’t even try to look presentable because I just didn’t care anymore. Maybe you feel like you will never look good enough? God created you beautiful, dear sister. Believe it and don’t compare yourself. Another way the “I don’t care attitude” is shown is through an abrasive attitude. Men confess they are instantly unattracted to a woman with a disrespectful attitude. The “I don’t care” attitude only numbs your desires and pushes men away.

The good news today is I cannot promise you a date for Valentine’s Day. But I can share with you that you are desired. By a high King, who calls you by name. He desires to be in a relationship with you–to know the good…the bad…and especially the quirky parts of you. He loves that you have bad breath in the morning, can’t go a day without dessert, and have no shame singing Lady Gaga at the top of your lungs. For today, let that be enough.

Have you found yourself in one of these places? What are some other coping mechanisms women use for their unmet desire for love?  

Real Women Don’t Text Back: How Women Fuel the Man-Boy Problem

Posted on
8

This post was originally featured on the Christianity Today Women’s Blog–Her.meneutics. I am reposting today for those of you who missed it and because I spent all weekend in Gatlinburg for a surprise birthday weekend for my friend Ashley. SO MUCH FUN! Leave your comments below.

Real Women Don't Text image

“Wanna grab a burrito 2nite?”

The melody of the Atlanta symphony’s instruments flowed through the auditorium. I didn’t have high expectations for dating at 23, but a text containing the word burrito wasn’t exactly what I had in mind (and with 1 hour notice). I liked him, but couldn’t escape the mental picture of showing up in a swanky outfit to an establishment where my entrance would be announced in a jubilee of “Welcome to Moe’s!”

The resounding question I hear from many single women today is: “Where have all the good men gone?”
Recently, several articles and statistics have shown that women are making history with career achievements, while men in increasing numbers are seemingly living in a prolonged state of adolescence, sitting back with their buddies and playing video games. Cultural observers note that men are not finding compelling reasons to grow up and marry. The former cultural standards of marriage for sex and children have changed drastically in the past 50 years as one-night stands are celebrated and single parenthood accepted.

And women are only fueling this behavior by excusing it.

The charged response to my husband’s blog post “Real Men Don’t Text” revealed women’s frustration with text messages, video games, and guys who still act like frat boys. Women posted the link on Facebook and wrote things like “Can I get an a-men?” “Men! Read This!” Others wrote in with stories about men who had asked them out through text, broke up with them through text, and asked them to have sex through text. Men were challenged to “grow a pair, pick up your Bible, turn off the video game, and pursue a woman.” But an interesting perspective arose from the clamor of “Amens!” Several men said that while “real men don’t text,” real women don’t text back. They knew, from experience, that a woman wasn’t worth pursuing if she engaged in a text relationship.

As women, I believe we in part perpetuate the man-boy problem by failing to hold the highest standards for ourselves, standards God desires for us. I recently heard a friend complaining that she couldn’t get Phillip* to call her. Two minutes later, she responded to his text, “Wanna watch a movie at my house?” in the affirmative. I’ve seen it too many times—brilliant, accomplished, God-fearing women making excuses for the players and the deadbeats and the guy who aren’t interested in anything more than sex. A lot of us have been there. We’re strong. We aren’t settling. And then we lose sight of what’s important and start “hanging out with” that guy. If a man can’t call to ask you on a date, he’s certainly not going to man-up and put a ring on your finger.

The arguably most dangerous way women are contributing to the man-boy problem is in regards to sex. Oftentimes, women, including Christians, go further physically than they want to, hoping that their prowess will help them ‘catch a man’ when in fact, the opposite happens. Sex gives men the benefits without the promise of commitment and fidelity. Sure, there won’t be as many guys lining up to date you, but marriage will be a different story. Keeping the highest sexual purity standards will ensure he isn’t dating you just because he likes seeing you naked—and keep his intentions honorable.

Another way women perpetuate the problem comes with the well-at-least-he’s-better-than _____ game. My hairdresser told me yesterday she had a hard time ending a relationship with a non-Christian, because the last Christian she dated had sent her pornographic text messages. Infuriating! However, standards should not be created based on the worst examples but instead on what God deems right.

Many women also fall prey to the lie that dating or hanging out with “that guy” does not hold future implications. I found this especially true in college when friends (and myself, ahem) would date Mr. Text or Mr. I Don’t Believe in Organized Religion believing we could end the relationships as soon as someone better came along. However many of my friends are still entangled with or damaged by these men—especially in cases where sex was involved. By dating or playing around with the wrong men, we are essentially displaying mistrust in God’s plan and harming ourselves when the right man comes along. Andy Stanley, pastor of North Point Community Church, challenges singles: “Become the right person the right person is looking for.” A woman who dates placeholder men is most likely not who “Mr. Right” is looking for.

I also must briefly mention the Savior card. “I can change him,” “I can save him,” or “I can help him” used to be my favorite excuse for why I dated the men I dated. However, it took me several failed relationships and many heartbreaks to see how we as humans cannot change people. God is in the business of changing and redeeming men’s hearts. We aren’t. Smothering a man with your prayers and church outings and leading conversations usually needs to stop for God to work. Lowering your standards will never change a man—and almost all of these “I can change him” situations result in him changing you.

The current dating scene is hard—but it is not hopeless. I know many women who waited patiently and are now walking arm in arm with honorable, godly men. In the meantime, keep pursuing your own interests and building God’s kingdom, whether or not a husband is on the horizon. If a man texts you, ask them nicely to call you next time and take you out for dinner.

I told many men I would not go horizontal with them until after the wedding bells. Most couldn’t run away fast enough. But one day, in strength and vulnerability, I explained my standards and asked a man to call me. And he hasn’t stopped since.

Never Have I Ever : Uncovering Promiscuity

Posted on
23

Image of woman sitting on a fence

We sat in a circle of 200 college women and played “Never Have I Ever”.

It was our sorority pledge retreat back in college. I was naïve and didn’t have much to stand up for (other than the 14 times I’d been pulled over for speeding—ahem) but was never one to judge others for choices that I was sure I would have made had I not known Jesus.

Never have I ever lied and told a guy I was a virgin!

Never have I ever only had sex drunk!

Never have I ever hooked up with two guys in one night!

Never have I ever had sex with a married man!

Laughter. Cheering.

I was shocked. Uncomfortable. It was the first time I really saw the “group think” mentality played out, as I was sure there were others who didn’t find the sexual stories all that hilarious. But that wasn’t the part of the evening that I think about to this day.

After we had exhausted the “Never Have I Ever” game, we started with stories. The leaders instructed us to share something personal—“an experience that shaped who you are today”.

Women shared of father’s leaving. Devastating eating disorders. Loved ones dying.  And many, many stories of sexual abuse. My sisters were abused by family members. Raped by coaches. Assaulted by classmates. The women who had the “best” promiscuous stories to tell, were the often the ones dealing with horrific nightmares of sexual abuse.

It became clear why Emily* slept with a married man, and why Vanessa* chose to only have sex while intoxicated, and why Finley* had slept with 16 people in the last year. They bought into the lie that their bodies were worth nothing. The stories that brought cheering & laughter, now beckoned sorrow from each of us sitting on the wooden cabin floor. That weekend had such an incredible impact on me, when I hear degrading names I shudder—imagining the tragic accounts I heard 8 years ago in that cabin.

Consider Jesus. A woman caught in adultery is brought before him by a group of check-the-box religious leaders. Men. They asked Jesus how they should punish her—because law required she be stoned to death.

Jesus doesn’t respond and instead starts writing in the sand. They continue to pester Him with questions. He then stands and says, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” One by one, the religious leaders leave and Jesus and the woman are left alone. (Scholars believe Jesus was writing out the sins they were guilty of!)

“Has no one condemned you?” He asks.

 “No one, Lord.”

 And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and leave your life of sin.”

IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, STOP JUDGING AND ADDING SHAME TO THOSE WHO GIVE THEIR BODIES AWAY FREELY. Calling women {or men} degrading names only furthers the issue & takes away from the Gospel.

For all the men: God has given you strength to protect, and I pray you use your strength for good.

If you are someone who prides yourself on purity, thank God for helping you on this path. Seek to reach out to the prostitutes, the adulterers, those that live as if their bodies are worth nothing—offering life & hope, not further condemnation.

Finally, if you are the promiscuous women, I pray you see your worth. You are welcome into the family of God and do not allow anyone tell you otherwise. Jesus paid the highest price for you & your body–His LIFE. He weeps over any abuse you have experienced.

The choices you’ve made after the abuse are yours. Now, Jesus asks you to stop living as if your body is just an object to use. You are called to leave your life of sin and pursue a life of joy. Will you believe Him? Will you allow Jesus to call you Daughter?

This post was difficult for me to write. What is your typical response when you hear stories of “sexual conquest”? Have you been called a ‘slut’ or worse before? Tell us about it. Do you know someone who needs to read this? Will you share it with them?