Real Men Don’t Text | The Lost Art of Chivalry

Image of Michael Dancing at our wedding

Real Men Don’t Text is now a book! After more than a million people read this post, we turned it into a full book of dating advice. Available from all major retailers. Click here to watch the book trailer, read a sample, or purchase your copy. http://www.realmendonttext.com/

Welcome! Today we are hearing from both an expert on manliness (you should see his knife collection) & dating (he swept me off my feet), Michael Dean. Besides opening doors for me and making chocolate runs to satiate my cravings, he enjoys working on his car (Hubcap Hank), playing football, and adding ‘manly’ items to his Amazon shopping cart. Just this morning, he asked me to buy him a tomahawk for Christmas.

Please leave your comments below. Is he wrong? Women…we’d love to hear your thoughts, too.

From Michael:

There is a lost art these days, it is not ancient & it’s not French.

It is the lost art of Manliness and Chivalry. It is opening up a car door for women, even if they aren’t your wife. It is letting your wife, girlfriend, mother or sister go in through a door before you. It is standing when a woman leaves & returns to the table. It is taking off your hat inside. It is tucking in your shirt where necessary. It is calling a girl instead of texting (real men don’t text).  And finally, it is having enough self-respect and respect for yourself as a man that you walk with your shoulders held back, not in intimidation, but in confidence; not in pride, but in humility. Your strength as a man can and should be offered to others. Manly strength is what this world needs so desperately.

Men, it is time to step up! Grow a pair, grow up, stop complaining, open your Bible, get a mentor, and get after it! I mean it. STEP IT UP! Be counted as a man who is going to make a difference. Get off the sofa, turn off that video game, shave, walk upright, and pursue a woman. I am tired of the men I see around me (not any of my friends in specific) who walk around with a chip on their shoulder in complete insecurity.  They haven’t been shown the right way. The good way. The hard way.

Chivalry isn’t dead. Sure there are women who will give you what you want and not expect anything. But the kind of woman who will be a good mother to your children & challenge you isn’t going to settle for a text message instead of a call (women see: It’s Time for A Breakup). You’re going to need to have a job, embrace responsibility, and pursue her like she deserves! And texting and facebooking DOES NOT COUNT.  If I hear of another guy trying to start a relationship by text-flirting I think I will punch a hole in the wall.

One of the best things I have been blessed with in my twenties has been a mentor. In the beginning, I had an older man pursue me, but as I have gotten older (30 years old in April) I have had to start pursuing older men asking their advice and giving them the right to speak into my life, call me out, and point out my faults. This doesn’t always feel good, but real men can take criticism and change.

The difference between a man who is floating through life and a man who is directional in life is the wake he leaves. Look behind you. If the wake of people behind you are not people who, if asked about you, would say “he really impacted me”, then it is time to get your act together!

I get a sneaking suspicion every time I read my wife’s blog or I meet another beautiful young woman who loves the Lord that the men are seriously outnumbered. The abundance of beautiful woman who are waiting for a man to lead them is staggering. Don’t give me that steaming pile of mulch excuse that “all the good ones are taken” because they aren’t. Give me a call & I’ll introduce you to one if I feel like you make the cut.

Be a man.

Get in the Word.

Stop texting.

Pursue a woman!

Now women–what are you to do with the man who instead of calling you & asking you to dinner–texts you, “Headed out. Where R U?” You remove your fingers from the screen and read…Don’t Text Back [And Other Rules for Catching Mr. Right].

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Comments
122 Responses to “Real Men Don’t Text | The Lost Art of Chivalry”
  1. Love this!! There are a lot of good men out there but there needs to be more. Your husband should start a ‘man school’! Awesome that he contributed, it mixes it up a bit. Thanks Ruthie and Michael!

  2. Michael says:

    This was definitely a bit of a rant. I couldn’t agree more, there are a lot of good men out there, but men need that kick in the pants every now and then. A man school is a great idea! Ill keep that in mind.

  3. “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”
    1 Corinthians 16:13-14

    Well written Michael. As a woman this is so refreshing to hear a man say.

    The man who stands out as the “best example of a man” in my life was my step-dad. He was a lawyer & a judge, a husband, a father, a friend, a community leader and servant of Christ. He was well traveled, well read and well liked. He carried himself with confidence but not arrogance. I am thoroughly convinced that every time he opened a door for my mom, or paid for a meal for a soldier, or gave up his seat on a bus for a lady … he did so because of his love for the Lord. He understood what it meant to submit out of strength.

    And by the way, I love the idea of man school!!! ;)

  4. brayta says:

    LOVE this!!! Really: there are a lot of nice Christian boys I know but the absence of chivalrous Godly men is alarming… or more alarming still are the ones who try to portray themselves as being Godly, but instead are controlling, arrogant, and domineering as leaders. I wonder how many guys will really respond to the challenge to man up…
    Well written. I’m in favor of Man School. My amazing, successful, beautiful single friends who love the Lord and I often chat about the absence of really quality men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said they need to grow a pair, turn off the video game, and pursue…

  5. weiyi says:

    I love this !

  6. Anonymous says:

    I was hanging out with a guy for months who would never do anything but text me. I was crazy about him, but my friends warned me that texting wasn’t enough for anything serious. I finally stopped texting back, and he’s never called (or texted) to ask why I stopped responding. I think you just confirmed what friends have been telling me for forever. Thanks!

    • Ruthie D. says:

      Thanks for sharing! I think all of us women have been there. It’s hard not to ‘settle’ for text message flirting & guys who don’t make the cut when there aren’t a plethora of guys doing things ‘the right way’ (ie calling is a start). Stay strong & don’t let him creep back into your life without roses and a phone call!

  7. Michael, I think all cell phone providers should require “proof of relationship” when activating a man’s cell phone plan. If he cannot prove he is in a relationship, then his text message capabilities will be turned off. Too many guys hide behind the ease of texting.

    I swear the next thing that will happen is guy’s will try to use some excuse like “what the carrier pigeon didn’t bring you my message. ” then shrug and walk off like they really gave it all they got.

    however all that being said does growing a moustache buy a guy a few texts?

    • Michael says:

      A Mustache will for sure buy a few texts!

    • Ruthie D. says:

      I LOVE THIS! Because I remember the day when I was at the symphony in a cocktail dress and I received the following text from a guy I’d been on 1 date with:
      “hey. Wanna grab a burrito tonight?”

      is that really how hard you’re gonna try to impress me?

      His cell phone should have been taken away from him. :)

  8. Michael says:

    I want to be clear that I am not trying to bash other men, or that I have it all together. Just ask my wife, she can tell you clearly that I don’t! Men need that kick in the pants, that thing to call them to action. That is what my goal is, to call men to snap to attention and start walking the line.

  9. Ashley says:

    I’m so glad that Jordan has such a smart and onderful brother that can lead her and all of her friends in the right direction when it comes to men! Two thumbs up for Michael!

  10. love this. thanks for writing. :D

  11. Nice blog Michael. I know we’ve never met but I’ve heard great things about you. Baby Ruth was always my favorite cousin. First thing is that you are right real men do not text women…however real women do not let men get away with just texts. If you are having a text relationship with a girl she’s probably not really a woman worth pursuing. I know this from experience. Secondly I have a beard…does that mean I’m a man? – Paul W.

    • Ruthie D. says:

      Paul! I love your comment. I completely agree that the problem is two-fold in that many women let guys get away with text messages, no dates, and ‘sleepovers’. Women need to step it up to and realize that when they respond to texts and let guys off the hook easy, y’all don’t have any reason to try harder! Am I right? Thanks for commenting and I’m thrilled I earned the spot as your ‘favorite cousin’.

      I can’t wait for you to meet Michael. AND I love the beard!

    • Michael says:

      You are a man Paul! I dont currently have a beard, I guess I can still be a man. I agree the problem is two fold and on both sides, im just tired of seeing men not stepping up.Looking forward to meeting you Paul!

  12. Mona says:

    Hi good article…..and once the women stop sleeping around with the men, moving in with them, etc. the men would probably get the message…..and men listen up….if they do if with you,they’ll do it to you !!!! so is this the kind of woman you’ll looking for ???? And the same goes for the women…..if they cheat on their wives with you, they will cheat on you too……it always happens….so don’t think it won’t happen to you……

  13. This is great! I love this manly rant. And very True!

  14. Natalie says:

    Love your writing, Michael, I don’t personally like beard or a mustache, other else I cannot agree more! Good Job!

  15. I’m fortunate enough to be married to such a chivalrous man and let me tell you- he blows me away all the time when I think he’s over it, but then insists on opening my door and helping me with my coat once more.
    It is scary how unfamiliar good manners and consideration can be to folks! Completely foreign. We are both involved in college ministry and it’s amazing, the blank stares we get when talking about chivalry and intention. Thank you for speaking out, but most of all, for being an example!

  16. Anonymous says:

    dumbest thing i’ve ever read…

  17. Leigh says:

    Michael. you are the bomb dot com. AWESOME post!!

  18. mike dean says:

    Yep, excellent word. Coming from the Old School perspective, I heartily endorse the whole concept of Man School! Count me in for support and prayers.

  19. Nick says:

    I’m sorry to tell you that in my experience, what you and this guy are saying is dead wrong. Trust me, I’ve been there – I’ve tried the chivalrous path, and 9 times out of 10, it has blown up in my face. I’ve also found facebook and texting to be very effective – it allows me and the person I’m interested in to get to know each other in a very informal, no-expectations setting. If I don’t already know the person I want to ask out in some meaningful way, why would I want to take them out to dinner? I have a number of female friends who complain to me about this more than anything – “when a guy asks you out without having talked to you and gotten to know you better, it must mean he’s just interested in your looks.” I’ve seen so many friends of mine try the straight up chivalrous path, and end up getting spat on or treated as a welcome mat and tossed aside. As a man, I’ve found to be successful in dating that it’s a two-way street – the girl has to feel like she has to work somewhat as well, otherwise his potential as a match has no value. She should have to show some quality about herself that would make her interesting to a potential date other than her looks – not only will that make her value her potential match more, but because if THAT is what sparks interest from a guy, then she can be assured that guy is really interested in who she is.

    • Michael says:

      Hey Nick! Wow, I so appreciate your honesty. I agree that getting to know someone by facebook is a great way to get to know them, without being just interested in looks. Before I was married I dated a few girls this way and it worked out pretty well.
      The guy I am talking to is the “player” the guy who texts for just a “booty call” or because he isnt man enough to step up his game. Basically saying “get off the couch buddy!”
      I admire your approach, and you seem like a guy who has good intentions in wanting to date and get to know a woman for who she is!
      I think there is a chivalrous path to get to know a woman by facebook and texting, but at some point it has to get face to face.
      Thanks!

      • Nick says:

        I think I’d agree with your last point – chivalry does have a place – AFTER the initial getting to know you. I feel like once a woman feels like she has had to work in some way to get your attention and knows that your interest doesn’t just come easily or as the result of superficial reasons, then acts of chivalry might be appreciated, and might even work. But before that, they just come off as awkward and poorly-intentioned.

        I often feel as though women should understand, it’s not like many of the things men do that drive them crazy didn’t just happen in a vacuum. There are plenty of nice guys out there who’d love to be chivalrous – they’ve just found that often times it resulted in them getting passed over for that guy who had a “player” streak. Players exist for a reason – like it or not, there are things about them that women find appealing. That’s not a moral judgement mind you (I certainly don’t approve of that kind of behavior), but when women often times want to know when men act a certain way, oftentimes it is based on hard experience.

        So the balance, therefore, is how to learn things the “player” does to arouse initial interest – without actually becoming the player. Unfortunately this does mean that at least initially, you have to go against chivalrous conventions. Text or facebook message, don’t call. Don’t call too often. Be interested, but don’t seem too eager. Initially suggest casual, non-big-deal no-expectations kind of social events (even with other people or your friends). The thought of it might drive women crazy, but it works, and is in the end more likely to make both men AND women happier :)

      • Sam says:

        I totally agree that men of our generation (I am 24) need to step up and take ownership of their lives. Being a bible study leader of men for the last several years and being on the leadership team of my young adult ministry at my church, I have constantly been trying to figure what ways to inspire men to make that next step of commitment to Christ and really putting the words of scripture into practice in their life.

        However, I have had the opportunity to talk with a lot of men who are demasculinized and contemplating thoughts of being homosexual. The reason I mention this is because so many times in our society we as men are constantly having our identity as a “Man” questioned as if I can loose it. The frank reality is that if I was born a man, I will forever be a man. So many times when i have had conversations with men, they follow up a statement about how they want to be “sensitive or kind or thoughtful” and they say “is that too girly?” So all throughout high school and college and early adulthood you are constantly be beraded with comments as though you are “not a real man” unless you do x, y, z. This often breeds a lot of hopelessness in men and feelings of why even trying, because they have never had anyone next to them to reassure that they way the are is acceptable. Mandating a certain criteria to be called a man eliminates the uniqueness that each man might have. I can crochet, sew, cook, watch chick flicks, but i can also box, do jiu jitsu, do home repairs, build stuff, and work on cars, but people though i was gay when i was in 10th grade because of how sensitive and thoughtful I was and how i didn’t treat woman like most men my age did then, so they assumed i had to be gay, not only did the men make fun of me but then the woman even gave me a hard time because of how i was, even though i have been the shoulder they cried on talking about how they wish their boyfriend was more considerate and thoughtful but then turn right around and pick fun at me because I wasn’t as so called “manly”. Through my past with the multiple woman i have dated, they all had different criteria of what a man really looks like. My wife that i have been with for 1 1/2 years definitely exhibiting a lot of Godly characteristics in which I knew if I were to ever have a chance with her I would need to get my act together and step up if i was ever going to be able to lead her and be a strong suitable partner.

        All in all i totally agree that post like yours are necessary and I back the points that you make on which we as men should consider and challenge ourselves with to be a more Christ like follower. But I don’t think everything should be seasoned with a sense that if you don’t do these things then you wont be a REal Man.

        • Alex says:

          Yes, I have some similar thoughts to Sam. Chivalry, as an idea (or ideal), has a broad history of usage, and I’m sad to say that it mostly stems from very patriarchal cultures with certain defined sensibilities toward gender roles that are not helpful when it comes to defining the role of a man today. I think it’s helpful to separate indictments like, “Stop trying to get girls with cheap texting,” from cliched truisms like, “Be a man.” This post uses flashy, buzzy phrases like, “Get off the sofa, turn off that video game, shave, walk upright, and pursue a woman.” So here we have a basic call to avoid laziness, but this image somehow excludes guys who think sporting the beard is cool (which it is, and though I am not a girl, I know plenty who think it is). Also, if you’re not pursuing a girl, “what a lazy ass you are!” But what about the pursuit of celibacy. I don’t think I personally have this gift, but the earliest fathers of the church valued celibacy and virginity among the highest of virtues, as a means to set yourself apart from the world for God’s work. If you want to talk about the older, godlier ways of life and relationship, when we reach new creation ask Clement of Alexandria what he thought of ascetics for Jesus.

          But I realize that we live in the 21st century. We need a sense of sexuality and relationship that conforms to Christian truth, while also living truthfully and honestly in today’s culture. Gender roles are so much more complex than holding the door open for your girl, coming home from the 9-5 every day, the married man, clean-shaven, with two and a half kids, the briefcase and the “honey, I’m home.” I find many of the values in this post to be quite Victorian and really quite worldly. I think these kind of expectations are what subliminally ostracizes those men who are not attracted to women, as well as those who are, but who simply have chosen singleness, either for now or for life. I know many responsible, intellectual, spiritually and emotionally in-tune homosexual and heterosexual men who have a deep sense of respect and honor, but do not pursue women. These coarse statements like, “grow a pair,” “get a job,” and “get in the Word,” are meaningless to these guys, because they have a pair (God made them that way!), they have a job (but they may be underemployed, and so they can’t pursue a girl, or a guy, like they might want to. Just look at this economy!), and they love the Word (they just don’t flaunt it like the manly men do).

          You have a lot of good “don’ts.” I agree it’s a better idea to go out to dinner than to try to woo someone via text. But I also think that texting has its place as a way of quick communication in the 21st century. Like all things, it depends how you use it.

          Finally, I think it might be better if we emphasized to our men (all men, no matter what attractions or pursuits they make) a truly biblical virtue beyond the cultural definitions of “being a man.” Isn’t the essence of being a man (or woman), after all, about being a servant to God and to our neighbor? I feel like romantic relationships would fall into place if we embraced this mentality of putting the other first as a foundation for our communities. We have such a tendency to polarize on these issues of gender roles and gender identity, that we forget that there is no male and no female in Christ, which isn’t to say that we lose our individuality or our sexual identity. It is to say, however, that we’re defined not by these boxed-up expectations of manhood and womanhood, but by the freedom that we share in Christ as his image-bearers, which means that roles and gender identity are fluid, but Christ remains at the heart of what it is to be male and female.

  20. brandonweldy says:

    I love that “grow a pair” and “read your Bible” is in the same sentence. Thought this post was awesome. I have been married for over 2 1/2 year (since you know how long we have been married I bet you are waiting for some extreme marriage wisdom) and I have found that chivalry must still be alive. I love opening her car door. Sometime this means opening her door and then putting my 1 year old son in his car seat, and then closing her door. I have contemplated standing when she comes to a table and leaves. It’s just respectful! Too many guys trash girls, and I’m sure it is the other way too but God made us to be leaders, so men… STOP. Lead by example. Use your strength to bring a woman closer to God not tear her further away. Again, awesome post!

    • Michael says:

      Brandon, Great to hear from you. I agree totally with what you are saying. I respect a man who is been in marriage for 2 1/2yrs and still wanting to love and serve his sweet wife. I started a youtube channel after this post trying to offer some manly advice. If you have any more to offer let me know! http://www.youtube.com/user/mdean119/videos
      Thanks for your comment!

  21. Michael says:

    GREAT Post! I’ll definitely be coming back to hear some more words of wisdom. It’s good to know there are more “Pro-Pair, Pro-Bible” men out there.

  22. Matthew says:

    I’ve got a beard and I call the women I’m interested in dating rather than texting them. So I’m good on those counts. But this part really challenges me: “Look behind you. If the wake of people behind you are not people who, if asked about you, would say ‘he really impacted me’, then it is time to get your act together!”
    Thanks for that. Because I want to be a man who changes people’s lives for the better.

    • Amen Matthew. I am constantly challenged by this myself. It is a dream of mine when I am 80 to have a family and a “wake” of people that God has influenced through me. Love the beard. Sad thing that I am beardless at the moment though. Thanks for the comment!

    • Jillian Downey says:

      Matthew just run after God with all your heart… and when you have been running a while, look next to you and see who is running that same race towards God, THAT is your girl!! God will prepare her to be there, just pray for her and her salvation, pray for her protection with the full Armour of God from the other ungodly men and temptations and any other distractions in her life, pray that God makes her a vessel for his Kingdom and that you and her will be a mighty force for him… I can not explain to you how precious it is to me knowing my husband prayed for me that way. God answers prayers. Don’t look at all the girls you know or meet, do not be distracted by finding her, FOCUS your eyes on the Lord and then he will show her to you, it won’t be a challenge to know she was made just for you.

  23. Loved you and your wife’s blog on this subject. Going to share with my students.

  24. John says:

    I say different strokes for different folks. If texting is the way someone wants to do it I don’t see a problem with it. I’m sure there was a time when people said “real” men don’t call on the phone. I don’t think it makes anyone less of a man if he texts.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi John, agreed. Michael texts me all the time so it’s not texting in it’s that is negative. It’s when texting and laziness jump in bed together that we have problems! Text messaging has only fuels men’s lack of chivalry when it comes to asking women out via text (and often with not much notice). It’s impersonal & lazy.

  25. Rick says:

    Great post! As someone entering a relationship this will certainly be at the forefront of my mind. We’ve certainly been using text messaging. But only for simple conversation and quick questions. Anything with meaning will have me calling her or waiting until I see her again.

    P.S. the facial hair part isn’t fair…. I’m 22 and couldn’t grow a mustache if I wanted one!

  26. Sam says:

    I totally agree that men of our generation (I am 24) need to step up and take ownership of their lives. Being a bible study leader of men for the last several years and being on the leadership team of my young adult ministry at my church, I have constantly been trying to figure what ways to inspire men to make that next step of commitment to Christ and really putting the words of scripture into practice in their life.

    However, I have had the opportunity to talk with a lot of men who are demasculinized and contemplating thoughts of being homosexual. The reason I mention this is because so many times in our society we as men are constantly having our identity as a “Man” questioned as if I can loose it. The frank reality is that if I was born a man, I will forever be a man. So many times when i have had conversations with men, they follow up a statement about how they want to be “sensitive or kind or thoughtful” and they say “is that too girly?” So all throughout high school and college and early adulthood you are constantly be beraded with comments as though you are “not a real man” unless you do x, y, z. This often breeds a lot of hopelessness in men and feelings of why even trying, because they have never had anyone next to them to reassure that they way the are is acceptable. Mandating a certain criteria to be called a man eliminates the uniqueness that each man might have. I can crochet, sew, cook, watch chick flicks, but i can also box, do jiu jitsu, do home repairs, build stuff, and work on cars, but people though i was gay when i was in 10th grade because of how sensitive and thoughtful I was and how i didn’t treat woman like most men my age did then, so they assumed i had to be gay, not only did the men make fun of me but then the woman even gave me a hard time because of how i was, even though i have been the shoulder they cried on talking about how they wish their boyfriend was more considerate and thoughtful but then turn right around and pick fun at me because I wasn’t as so called “manly”. Through my past with the multiple woman i have dated, they all had different criteria of what a man really looks like. My wife that i have been with for 1 1/2 years definitely exhibiting a lot of Godly characteristics in which I knew if I were to ever have a chance with her I would need to get my act together and step up if i was ever going to be able to lead her and be a strong suitable partner.

    All in all i totally agree that post like yours are necessary and I back the points that you make on which we as men should consider and challenge ourselves with to be a more Christ like follower. But I don’t think everything should be seasoned with a sense that if you don’t do these things then you wont be a REal Man.

    • Sam! I couldn’t agree more with you. I hate that you had a hard time in school. My hard time came in middle school. I couldn’t agree more though, my roommate in college was a theater major when the book Wild at Heart came out. He had a hard time relating because he didn’t want to be out in the woods killing a bear, he would rather be in a coffee shop or honing his acting skills. What a respectable MANLY thing to do! The guys that make me the most angry are those that should be and need to be kicked in the pants to get them to take action. The guys you referred to, that your friends were crying about. I could snatch em up by their tight Abercrombie collared shirt and sideways hat and tell them Straighten Up! I hate that men these days have had bad examples in the home and in media and it is my prayer that we can raise the next generation of boys that will turn into dynamic men of God with differing passions and talents
      You sound like a man of action and I commend you for that. I’m sure you could offer me some manly advice as I have only been married 8 months! Thanks for commenting.

      • Thanks for the article!
        Most guys these days are self-centered. They have bad examples, and sadly, most don’t have parents who care about them.

        I’m only 30, but when I was a kid we sent letters to people we met (doesn’t that seem ancient?)
        PS, Be careful putting your personal email on a searchable blog.

    • Jillian Downey says:

      You hit the nail on the head and we women have the world throwing things like men who really notice you (appearance) or spend lots of money on you (greed) or build your status (pride) are all temptations(from the devil) for us. Not because we want those men really, but because everyone wants to be accepted and the lies the world send are these that lead to dead ends. I have to say I was lucky to always know better. I hung out with guys like those and guys that glowed with love for the Lord, it was easy for me to see past the 19 year old Leonardo DiCaprio twin in the convertible mustang driving me around after I made varsity cheerleader as a freshman when the first night (and I am not even his gf) he tried to convince me to park down a country road with him… God helped me be strong enough to boldly say no and get home. I did not make that mistake again. I chose to “kiss dating goodbye” and fell in love with my best friend/my husband now over years of bible studies and prayers together. He was ok with waiting a few years on dating me and had a similar focus on God… needless to say, his genuine love for God was incredible. Now 13 years later, he still loves God and me and our kids! The thrill he gives me with sincere love for our Savior and his chivalry to me make me continue to fall in love all over again everyday! I passed up a modeling career to follow him around the world as a soldier, would do it again today! On a side note, I realize careers like that are a dead end too, so glad God showed me that he had bigger things for me. My husband is a chaplain’s assistant in the army and we serve the Lord as a family overseas in Europe currently.

  27. Timothy Pyles says:

    I have to tell you, I am so sick and tired of all of this macho, John Eldredge, Mark Driscoll, be-a-real-man nonsense that has become so in vogue in certain evangelical circles of late. It is incredibly offensive to many, many men, and it is an affront to the gospel. As if the only way to “be a man” is to be a steotypical, football-loving, works-on-the-car, all-American man. It’s such an ignorant and uninformed conception of gender and sexuality, and such a culturally narrow-minded view I can hardly handle it. Have you ever, and I mean ever, taken a course on Gender Studies or Sexuality? Ever read a book or a published study on the subject? Ever Michael? And stuff by people like John Eldredge doesn’t count; he also hasn’t ever studied or researched the subject. I would dare to suggest that you know something about the topic of gender identity before pronouncing so authoritatively upon it. And also, “grow a pair?” Really, Michael? Really? And you are the one calling on men to grow up and stop behaving like boys? “Grow a pair?” I’m sorry, but are you in junior high, or a 30 year old man hoping to be taken seriously? I would suggest, Michael, that it is in fact you who are insecure about your manhood. So much so that you feel compelled to justify it by telling everyone who thinks differently about manhood that they are inferior to you. It is ignorant junk like this that gives the Church a bad name.
    Timothy Pyles
    Ph.D. student, Indiana University.

    • Anonymous says:

      Cool signature sign off

      James Morgan,
      Christian, Follower of Christ

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Timothy,

      Several things to say about your above comment. The first and foremost being that your tone is offensive. The supposed ‘offensive aspects’ of books like Wild at Heart you are referring to are non-existant. You are missing the main message. God’s design is for men to fight the battles (spiritually speaking) & give godly strength to a world that is filled with abuse, fornication, lawlessness, evil…need I go on? We need men to stand strong and FIGHT for our families. And this doesn’t have anything to do with football, working on cars, or weight lifting. Whether it be Ph.D students, graphic designers, pro-football players, plumbers, fashion photographers—each can glorify God by rejecting passivity & being a warrior for the Gospel. I would appreciate if you would not attack my husband as he obviously stated in jest that men should grow a beard to “be a man”. If you would like to continue to comment on my blog (I welcome all content based comments) please keep them away from personal attacks & focus on the issues discussed.

      • Ashleigh says:

        “The supposed ‘offensive aspects’ of books like Wild at Heart you are referring to are non-existant.”

        This is a bizarre thing to say. It assumes all people find the same things offensive or benign. Timothy apparently finds certain aspects of Wild at Heart offensive, as do I. I don’t think that means we’re out of touch with reality—we just simply have a different take on the book than you do.

    • Timothy it seems like my post has really offended you. My apologies that you were offended. I dont appreciate the personal attack though. I would love to continue this discussion over email rather than on my wife’s blog. Shoot me a facebook message or twitter
      I have to also say that my roommate in college didn’t resonate with Wild at Heart when it came out. That really shapes my thinking knowing that a lot of men are just as at home in the coffee shop writing, or honing their skills as an actor (my roommate was a theatre majjor) as many men are in the woods. I look forward to our conversation.

      • Bill says:

        Um….Michael…the way I see it, having your wife respond to an attack on you seems to undermine your message…the traditional chivalry you speak of would involve you defending her, if necessary, not the other way around.

        • My wife commented on her own volition. If Timothy had made any comment at her this would have been a different story with a different tune. I am married to an amazing woman, your point seems pretty unfounded.

          • Bill says:

            Is it chivalry for your wife to say “I would appreciate if you would not attack my husband” after having said “God’s design is for men to fight the battles”?

          • Jillian Downey says:

            I have to agree with Bill…. I liked parts of your message and I really enjoyed your purpose behind it, encouraging Godly men of chivalry and then I saw your wife’s post and kind of doubted your respect from your own wife (not attacking, just acknowledging a first though, please do not take offense)… I am sure you did not ask your wife to defend you, but as a Christian wife myself of a Godly man, I have to admit that my husband would not be pleased with my speaking out in his defense. It isn’t because of any other reason than the fact that he is the man and the bible does look down on women speaking out “for a man” or leading men for that matter (such as female pastor’s.) I realize your wife has no idea what this does to a man’s image and I can absolutely see that she is demanding respect of her husband as a good wife would feel the desire to do, BUT she should not follow through with those desires. We women are emotional, as you know, you are married to one. Truth be told, she probably will have to learn this the hard way, like I have, but we respect our husband’s more when we do hold our tongue and see that he can and will defend his honor and his beliefs, which makes us fall all the more in love with our husbands because that is just another proof that he can and will be our knight! As a believer in God and a lover and wife to my very manly Godly soldier, I think it is important for men to understand, all the effort is not in their hands, they may do their part all day, but if we women can not sit back and let our men be the head of the home (the voice comes from the head and the decisions come from the head) then he can not succeed in his part. Godly woman, look to Sarah for this guidance who did not even speak up when she had to go into the home of another man to protect her husband who claimed she was his sister, I am certain she felt awful about this, but God blessed her greatly for her obedience to her husband,, which for us women, is obedience to God himself…. if you think it is crazy, please read all about Sarah for yourself. I know I won’t be popular for these beliefs, but they are a command to us, the woman of faith made one with a man!

          • Jillian, thanks so much for your comment and for reading the post. Also for your support. I think this has been blown a little out of proportion. I fully stand behind my wife’s comment to Timothy. I was unable at that time to defend myself against some comments that Timothy made and she stepped in for me. She did not overstep her bounds, we are in agreement on this. If I felt like she had I would have said something. Ruthie is my biggest fan, helper, and best friend. She, has been given as a gift from the Lord to me and her respect calls me to be a better man. Jillian, I respectfully disagree with your statement, not because it is unbiblical, in many ways I don’t think it is, but because I don’t rule over my wife. We are a team we do things together. If either one of us makes a mistake it falls on me as the leader and the man responsible for our family. It is easy to overstep bounds on the internet and say things that we would not say in a normal face to face conversation (which this whole blog post is about any ways haha) So I will leave it at this. Again thank you for your comment. If you would like to discuss further you can find Ruthie’s email on here or find me on twitter at MichaelDean10
            Blessings,
            Michael Dean

          • Marcus says:

            “which makes us fall all the more in love with our husbands because that is just another proof that he can and will be our knight! As a believer in God and a lover and wife to my very manly Godly soldier,”

            Michael, be honest, doesn’t Jillian’s opinion sound rather odd? If unchecked, that’s where you could be headed. When (grown) Christian women expect their husbands to be ” knights” and pick fights with other men for their amusement, we get a real mess.

    • Anonymous says:

      The beginning of your argument, the sort of “premise” you could say was this: “As if the only way to “be a man” is to be a steotypical, football-loving, works-on-the-car, all-American man.”

      Can I just ask you to re-read his article and then tell me this: were ANY of characteristics of manliness which he listed “must love football”, “know how to work on cars” or “be all-American”? The clear answer to this question is obviously “NO.” You actually didn’t address any of his points in your argument and your response has no debatable value. I know we live in a world where it’s almost impossible to have an intellectual discussion without someone veering wildly off-course because their emotions tell them to, but we should at least make an effort, for the sake of our sanity.

  28. Mike Kelley says:

    I would just like to back up Timothy’s Pyle’s post by saying there is absolutely nothing offensive about his “tone” in my opinion except that he disagreed with your husband. It is true that this editorial is just an unsupported opinion of someone who doesn’t seem to have really done any investigation into the subject, In other words as an article it’s lazy. At the very least I wish he would have at least commented on the conditions that created this so called “lack of manliness” in order to support his theory. I understand this is supposed to be in the “humorous editorial” category but even as such it lacks insight.

    My personal definition of a “MAN” is just to be comfortable i.e confident in your own skin, self reflective, hard working and considerate Do not worry about defining yourself as say “Macho” or “Sensitive” for that matter. Do not believe you have to live up to contrived expectations if they go against your internal (god given) compass

    • “My personal definition of a “MAN” is just to be comfortable i.e confident in your own skin, self reflective, hard working and considerate Do not worry about defining yourself as say “Macho” or “Sensitive” for that matter. Do not believe you have to live up to contrived expectations if they go against your internal (god given) compass” Very well put Mike. God has created us all differently.

  29. joshlancette says:

    you tell people to shave, but then say grow a beard or mustache. WHICH ONE IS IT??!?!?!?!?!?!? will being clean shaven or ruggedly hairy get me a date easier? my future is dependent on this.

  30. Mary says:

    Fantastic! And so true.

  31. Chris says:

    Thanks for stepping up and helping guys out there. I grew up without a father and my example came from the men of my church. Through a rough patch in life, I am now a single father. In the past two years I have had to fight a battle I never saw coming and protect my son. The greatest blessing I have is I get to teach my son everyday. Though he is only 4 right now, he knows to say please and thank you, yes sir/ma’am no sir/ma’am, hold doors open for people, help when someone is in need, and love people. I am blessed enough to teach him what being a man is all about. I am blessed enough to be his father. Who knows, maybe one day I will find a wonderful woman that I can be that example of a Godly man who loves his wife. For now I will be a loving father who teaches him to be a man, even when the world mocks it. Thanks again!

  32. Anonymous says:

    I really like the face that y’all challenged all men to step up. I am a youth minister and try to live this example out. It is tough but when you see a friend start opening up to letting you open the door for them it makes for a good example for her child. I have always been one who likes to call if I have a question to ask you. I will text if it is simple but really like to hear from people.

  33. Justin P. says:

    I partially disagree with your stance against texting. Ultimately, it’s a question of why texts are being used. If a guy is texting because he’s too cowardly to call, that’s an issue. (This is much more of an issue with “breaking up with someone via text,” which is far, far more abhorrent than asking them out via text.) Ultimately, any successful relationship requires a degree of emotional vulnerability, of doing things that you’re not comfortable with any may cause ridicule if you screw up.

    But that’s why it’s so important to learn to be a man. Masculinity doesn’t require that you skin a deer, or chop down a tree, or fix a car, though those can be expressions of masculinity. It’s about a certain type of confidence, of Godly maturity that allows you to conquer insecurity and exercise leadership. It’s about facing a problem–be it a need to feed your family, a broken machine, or the uncertain business of asking a girl on a date–and making the best decision, rather than the easiest one. (Before I get too far, I should add that women have a Godly mandate to confidence as well, but men and women struggle with insecurity in different ways, and usually overcome it in different ways.)

    I’ve asked out girls via text before, and you know what? Sometimes, I didn’t want to risk calling. I’m a stammerer, and that can make for trainwreck phone calls. Sometimes the choice is between asking her out via text, and not asking her out at all. BUT THAT’S OKAY. Texts are the training wheels of dating confidence. But if your bicycle still has training wheels at 25, you have a problem. Confidence and masculinity are things that you need to grow into . . . just ensure that you keep growing. Maybe asking her out via text was the bravest thing you’ve ever done. Great! But if you don’t keep getting braver, you’re going to be hard pressed to be the man she needs you to be.

  34. Dianne W says:

    I think I would be self-conscious if a man stood up when I left the table and again when I returned. I would be reluctant to leave the table for fear of creating to great an imposition on the men present.

  35. Kevin says:

    Feminism killed chivalry.

  36. Ruth says:

    would you say the same principle applies to say facebook chat and skype but only using the typing conversation rather than calling them?

  37. van Rooinek says:

    Sorry but I hate this article. I think it’s totally wrong.

    I didn’t get a cellphone while I was single — in fact, not til my wife and I were expecting baby #1. (For obvious reasons, as THE DAY approached, it was necessary for her to be able to reach me anywhere.) However, since then, in continually romancing and flirting with my wife, I have found texting to be an invaluable tool for maintaining open communication. I can’t imagine why anyone would rule it out for use in the dating realm. I wish I’d discovered it sooner. And I’m a hard core old school chivalrist, which is one of the things my wife appreciates most about me. Chivalry and texting do not conflict at all.

    Also… this.. “I get a sneaking suspicion…..that the men are seriously outnumbered. The abundance of beautiful woman who are waiting for a man to lead them is staggering….” I have a different experience entirely, as do many, many other Christian men. Legions of attractive single Christian women are holding out for an extreme “alpha” — tall, rich, handsome, charming, and hopefully also a Christian — and are totally oblivious to large numbers of perfectly decent ordinary Christian men who’d be more than glad to marry them and treat them right. A small percentage of men capture almost all the female attention, and the rest go begging. If you want all these lovely single women to pair off, you need to help them set realistic expectations. Men get realistic expectations forced on them at an early age — if you’re not the star quarterback, you’re not gonna ever date the cheerleader, so deal with it and pursue a woman in your own league. However, women often don’t shed their unrealistic expectations til much later in life, perhaps bolstered by the “God’s best” fantasy. All too often, they are far too picky about the wrong things, and not picky enough about the right things (ie, character.)

  38. Marcus says:

    This rant is just an easy and lazy way for a man to earn brownie points from his wife and her friends. Please recognize empty flattery for what it is, ladies. Michael’s intention wasn’t to help any of you, just himself.

    • Heather says:

      You know funny thing is, while I could be wrong…I’m much more inclined to believe that you’re one of the men this post is “ranting” about, don’t “hate” the blogger, “hate the game” he’s blogging about – Lord knows I do.

      FYI – though this blog can be educational for some women in a variety of ways, it’s predominately written to men, the help women blog is linked at the bottom!

  39. Prince says:

    I sure hope that no woman I meet in the future comes across this article and buys into the old school, sexist, 1950s ideology presented here. Having a knife collection makes you a man? lol (<–sorry if this text speak isn't manly enough for you). I also think it's amusing that you feel having your man go out of his way to get you a substance that isn't beneficial to your health is a +1 in the manliness department.

    "It is opening up a car door for women, even if they aren’t your wife. It is letting your wife, girlfriend, mother or sister go in through a door before you."

    I'll open up a door for someone if I'm passing the door or if they are physically compromised. I'll keep a door open if I see someone walking behind me, not because having testicles makes it my obligation, but out of courtesy for my fellow man/woman. I, however, will not go out of my way to open up a door for someone, who has two perfectly working hands of their own, simply because they have a vagina.

    "It is standing when a woman leaves & returns to the table."
    Good lord! Where did you grow up and I'll make a reminder to never visit there. What kind of leverage do the women in your society have over you that is so great that you cannot remain comfortable at your post unless they are in your presence?

    "It is taking off your hat inside. It is tucking in your shirt where necessary. "
    Im not personally a fan of hats, but the arbitrary location of "inside" wouldn't change if I were to wear one or not. For a "man" to get caught up on aesthetics like this doesn't seem very mature.

    "It is calling a girl instead of texting (real men don’t text)."
    lmao (sorry more unmanly text speak) Communication is communication! the message is what is important, the medium one chooses to transmute whatever message you need to get across is irrelevant.

    If being a man means holding onto outdated ideals, being fixated on aesthetics, not embracing technology to the fullest, shaving (I personally shave, but this seems counter intuitive in the man department), conforming to societal gender roles, and seeing the opposite sex as anything other than as equal (do you seriously stand up and wait when a woman you are with leaves the table and then you don't sit back down until she returns) then f**k being a man Id rather be a boy.

    I'll leave with this, "If chivalry isn't dead, it needs to be shot by a woman who isn't so incompetent that she can't even open her own door" -A boy

    • Name says:

      Couldn’t have said it better myself, wp

    • Tara says:

      Says the man who will be single FOREVER!

      • Prince says:

        Tara,

        Is that meant to be some kind of insult? lo that is amusing. l let me clarify a couple things.

        1. Im currently in a relationship; albeit with someone who is strong, independent, doesn’t require me to have a knife collection, and is competent enough to open a door without leveraging on some outdated ideal that I have testicles. Believe it or not, not all women are “damsels in distress”.

        2. An even bigger problem is on the table if you find something wrong with being single. We are all born single and make it through at least a decade, generally speaking, without such an emotional compulsion. If you really are so insecure that you have a problem with being with yourself, then you aren’t capable of true love as your “love” is nothing more than your dependency on intimacy.

        Chivalry really is nothing short of sexist. I still love, care for, and take my other half on dates, but vis versa as well.

        Let me ask you a couple things, have you ever taken the time to think up something nice for your man, if you have one? or is your relationship, if you are in one, predicated on leveraging your looks to secure a horny man? What of value do you, or any other woman, provide to a man on a long term basis? The reason I ask, and sorry if this comes across as rude, but for the amount of things Ruthie hints on as to what is wrong with “men” today, wouldn’t you think that “men” have a list just as long?

        And maybe an even more important question, what if I was gay? how does “the lost art of chivalry” come into play then? Nearly every point made is predicated on the heterosexual gaze, and doesn’t address the underlying qualities that we should have as human beings (i.e. regardless of sexuality).

        -”FOREVER independent”

  40. LvL 85 Subtlety Rogue says:

    ASCEND!!! Me and my fellow nerds shan’t go down without a fight!

  41. Andrew says:

    Good encouragement for maning up. It’s a two way street though. If a guy calls a girl to ask her out and she dodges the call then emails, texts, or sends a FB message turning him down, that’s taking the easy way out. If he has the courage to call, have the respect/decency to return the message via a phone call.

  42. Sachi says:

    Ugh, what a load of sexist bullshit.
    People (all people, not just “men”) should be courteous to each other, not out of some obsolete sense of “chivalry” but out of common decency.
    Also, do you mean to say that people who don’t shave or don’t sport “socially acceptable” beards aren’t worth anyone’s time? Damn.

  43. Jack says:

    For over the past few years I have avoided relationships, almost wearing my singleness as a badge of honor. It has been a constant battle of pride and pain as I would lay in bed at night knowing I was lying to everyone around me. I want a wife, but the things that scare me our concepts that I’ve been working through in my own spiritual walk. Humility is something that I have learned is needed for more that just our day to day faith but marriage. I believe I’m getting made more ready every day but the issues is my old habits seem so easy to me. I’m a man formerly a boy…let me explain

    I grew up with not much knowledge on what pursuit looked like. My pursuing was emailing, notes, texting, and now social media. I would always use those arenas to gauge interest so I would not have to go after a girl without knowledge on how much interest was shown on her part. Sadly, this approach as only led to heart break on both sides. I’ve been on the hurting side and have got hurt. I take your post very serious because God has been speaking to me in this area a lot lately..

    I’m interested in a girl currently, She is great! Has a huge heart for the Lord and I’ve tried to show interest without using those medians. It has been hard not to just start texting and evert to my old ways. Thankfully I’ve been able to spend time with her through ministry this summer, we went on a missions trip and she is helping within a ministry i’m involved in. I’ve hung out with her a few times outside of church and now I believe I’m at the point I just have to man up and ask her out. I’ve truly never done this correct so this is a step of manhood is a stretch for me.

    The other day I was talking to her and it was pretty much at the tip of my tongue but I did not want to stop the conversation. Of course since I procrastinated a student appeared and pretty much blocked that form happening. My question is this, is calling a viable option? I personally would rather ask her in person and think I would do a better job at that but this suspense is killing me haha I have only called her once so It would be out of the ordinary but I wasn’t sure if I was doing something wrong by not calling. I don’t know. I’m probably just over thinking it :)

    Thanks for everything! You guys are the best!

  44. Bubba says:

    Dating….it is a tough subject… (I also commented on the Stop Praying. Start Asking Post) (I am definitely researching this stuff) It kind of shocks me to read that us Christian men need to grow a pair, especially in a Christian Article. I think I have my pair well grown. I have survived a double craniotomy and still work doing physical labor. I am a trapper out of necessity.(trapping skunks, raccoons, etc.) I stayed in the family business to help my mom after my father passed away. My income is small(I have a job), but I am trying to follow God. I have “grown a pair” and asked women out without texting, but I am unattractive.(both physically and my situation) By the way, I do not play video games. What are your thoughts on this? Is there no fault in women at all? Are Godly women not really looking for men with better worldly finances and physical attractiveness? Are they not looking more towards a mans income rather than the provision of God? Like I said it is a tough subject. I look forward to discussing this more.

  45. Mickey says:

    Chivalry is not lost. Man-hating feminazis destroyed it!!!

  46. rachel says:

    Will you marry me babe

  47. Leslie says:

    Have men become more chivalrous in the 3 years since this was posted?
    I am 43 and have totally given up hope.

  48. Malkum says:

    To Me texting is cowardly it just shows how much of a less person you are to not call the person that loves you. There For That person should stop playing mind games and grow up goes for men and woman. If I known someone more years and they never picked up the phone when I called vs someone I known for less years I stop dealing with the one who never picks up the phone.

  49. Kevin says:

    I try to do all these things, hold doors, the hat off indoors…etc. and it gets me nowhere. I am 23 years old and haven’t had a serious relationship once and not because I haven’t tried but in my experience women my age want the cool nonchalant I don’t care attitude (letting the woman be independent in all aspects) more than the frequently made fun of nice guy who does all these things listed in the article. I am not trying to be a jerk or just dispute everything but in my opinion men act however we think we need to for us to get the girl. So saying that men aren’t doing it right when women are sending signals for one attitude and expecting another makes it hard, again I am 23 so take this with what value it offers but honestly I am tired of “the game” anybody that can give me some advice I would appreciate it.

  50. rachel says:

    I love you so much in my heart you are hot to me do you have a girlfriend yes or no babe will you marry me babe you are so nice to me baby I love you as a girlfriend

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  5. Ruthie Dean says:

    [...] you’re new here, I suggest reading Real Men Don’t Text and Real Women Don’t Text Back to gain context for my perspective on dating. And I am far from [...]

  6. [...] told you this before, but from all the emails, comments, and feedback we’ve received since Michael told men to get off the sofa, turn off the video game, and pursue a woman and I told women how we fuel the man-boy problem–Michael decided to take the message a step [...]

  7. [...] Read this post. Spread the word:MoreLike this:LikeBe the first to like [...]

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  9. [...] maybe a date was confusing. Despite my hesitations regarding his chivalry, and the fact that I know Real Men Don’t Text, I replied [...]

  10. […] is a quote from Ruthie Dean‘s […]

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