What if I Never Get Married? The Feared Call of Singleness

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“If God calls me to singleness, I’m not answering,” my sister said to me.

I remember when a well-meaning woman told me rather callously I needed to stop ‘being boy crazy’ and know that God might never give me a husband. Can we stop telling people they might be called to singleness?

After my post, All the Single Ladies: Where have all the men gone? I received several emails, comments, and messages–but many circling around this question: What if I never meet anyone and stay single? What if singleness is God’s plan for me?

Many will disagree, but if you are married, it’s never a good idea to tell someone single that they might never meet someone. That God might call them to ‘singleness’ as if he also might call them to endure cancer. {Because singleness does feel like cancer to many!}

Is it the truth? Yes. Sometimes God asks women and men to remain single for the purpose of glorifying him in their singleness. For me, it feels callous and lacking compassion to tell someone that their worst case scenario might come true. Yes, marriage might not be in the cards. But it’s important to speak the truth in love, and I believe we are missing the truth we desire to communicate.

Let me explain. A mother learns she’s pregnant for the first time. She and her husband are ecstatic and start telling people when the baby is just 4 weeks old.  You pull her aside in her elation and inform her, “Just so you know…your child may die before reaching kindergarten. That may be God’s plan. So don’t place all your hope in the life inside you.”

Is it true? Absolutely. Some children tragically, especially in early stages of pregnancy.  Might it be God’s plan? Yes. You can find scripture to back it up. (David and Bathsheba’s child didn’t survive despite fervent prayer and fasting). Should the mother not place all her hope in the life inside her stomach? 100%. Anything we place all our hope in besides Christ will let us down. But even if your statement represents truth, communicated in a careless way it can be damaging. Same with this ‘God calling you to singleness’ truth that is creeping up in Christian circles recently. Truth? Possibly. Helpful? No.

I suggest we communicate the truth in a different light. Instead of dwelling on or telling someone that “God may call you to singleness”–which is always the exception not the norm–what if we talked about contentment and trusting God with the future?

I don’t want to give false hope. Not everyone reading this post will find a spouse, just like none of us are guaranteed a job or kids or even a long life. While God promises to give us the desires of our hearts, he is not Santa Claus.

Truths about Singleness:

Singleness is always an exception, not a norm. If you look at Bible as a whole, the main verse people use to discuss this call to singleness is 1 Corinthians 7. But did you know Paul was writing during a time of great distress? There was a famine in Greece and great persecution. Some scholars say Paul was writing of a temporary exception to marriage because of the circumstances.

God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. This doesn’t translate into ‘right now’, but He’ll either give you a husband or change your desire.

For most of my readers, His answer is yes, but not right now. We have to WAIT for His best. Don’t start dating that guy!

Statistically speaking, you are more likely to get divorced than never get married. For the sake of your heart and the future of your children, choose wisely!

God is a good Dad, who is longing to bless us in the midst of trials. His plan often includes long periods of waiting and seasons of confusion and doubt–but it always ends with being face to face with the Savior who died for us.

Marriage does not solve all your problems. A spouse cannot and will not complete you. There will always be idols competing for your heart. False Gods promising to save.

I pray you continue to love mercy and walk with God whether or not a husband is on the horizon. Marriage is the greatest blessing. But you don’t want to do this with the wrong person.

What are your thoughts on the singleness epidemic occurring in Christian circles? Is singleness the norm or the exception? How have you dealt with your singleness? 

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Comments
110 Responses to “What if I Never Get Married? The Feared Call of Singleness”
  1. L says:

    Great post, I very much needed to hear this today! I am in the annoying situation of knowing I am not ready for marriage yet, yet being fed up of my singleness and that it may last forever.
    I think singleness is the exception, as God did create us with the desire for a spouse. And yet I know many godly men and women who are in their thirties and are still single (and not by choice). It doesn’t seem to make sense!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      I agree, L! A lot of the waiting in our lives don’t seem to make a lick of sense. Have you ever caught yourself saying to God…”If I was God, I would do things differently”. It’s so easy for me to put my human expectations of what is best on the God of the Universe–when clearly His ways and thoughts are higher than ours.

      Continue to trust Him during this difficult time. He hears you–He knows how much you want to be married. I am praying for you now!

      Anyone else resonate with what L shared?

      • AK says:

        Yep I definitely can relate. A lot of my friends are married and even though I tell myself I don’t want to be married and act like it doesn’t matter, truthfully it does. Because then when you get discouraged and lonely I have been known to date “that guy” that I know i shouldn’t be hanging out with. Then in turn feel guilty for not trusting God. Then I begin the process again with waiting and praying for God to fill this void. It’s a vicious cycle sometimes.

    • Kathryn says:

      What makes no sense to me is why someone told me that God called me to be single to serve him instead
      Um instead ? Why do u need to be single to serve God

      I’m 38 I’m not answering that call either . It’s not ok for God to provide for some and not others
      This really bothers me – I’m 38
      I’m not single to serve to God
      I’m single as I’ve met no one !!!

    • Kathryn says:

      I’m not single by choice
      I’m single by circumstance !
      Jesus is my savior but most certainly is NOT my spouse !!!

  2. i am one of those ‘called to singleness’ and there is nothing more disheartening than to have well meaning acquaintances or relatives comment on me being married. i have tried different sayings – i’d rather be single than wish i was (this worked well on my aunt, who has 9 children, only two of them that have not had major marriage troubles) and my husband’s wife hasn’t died yet. Or even…it is my choice i am single (to further explore than, i am sure if i went further from home, there would be someone who would marry a mennonite girl who cooks). So thank you for standing up for me. (i am 54)

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Marianne! I’m thrilled you’ve found contentment in singleness. Praise God for your faith! Thanks for sharing and for your great comments on my blog. Appreciate you!

      Do you have any single friends your age? I’m curious if it has been a struggle to find peers who aren’t running off to kids soccer games or planning the next PTA meeting. What has it been like to remain single–have your friends and community changed?

      • Kathryn says:

        I find unrest in singleness I don’t have to find contentment
        In being single as I don’t have to . Change does not
        Come from contentment

  3. TDP says:

    Thank you for this refreshing take on singleness. I am a 31 year-old woman who is dealing with the mixed feelings of being single. At times I relish the freedom that comes from not having to “answer to someone”, however at other times I admit that the loneliness seems almost too much to bear. I have several unwed friends but over the years that number has gotten smaller and smaller. Sometimes I wonder, has God forgotten about me? It seems as though marriage and relationships come so easily for others, but for me it has been quite the challenge. As much as I try to be patient and wait on God’s timing, lately it has gotten harder and harder. However, in spite of the sadness that I may face at times, I know that I must remain faithful and continue to praise and thank God! You are right to remind us that God wants us to have the desires of our hearts; for me (in this moment), my desire is for a husband and children. Thank you for sharing such an inspiring and positive message. I definitely needed it today :)

  4. So well written and so thoughtful my dear! I am so thankful for you in my life. I was single until 29 and struggled with it often. Contentment is such a hard think to let God work in you before and after marriage.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Ah yes…contentment. So glad God brought us together! Thankful for you every.single.day.

      • Meg says:

        Precious, just precious! Ruthie, I went to SMU and knew Michael through Wesley. I’m so glad we are (were?) Facebook friends so that the day came where I clicked on a link to your blog! I have read so many of your entries and you are truly a gifted writer. This post in particular spoke volumes to my heart. My 28th birthday is next week and I continue to pray for a heart and mindset like Paul’s in Ephesians 4:12. Thank you for the abundant encouragement! I am praying for you all too!

  5. Michele Cedo says:

    I agree, people can be well-meaning but unthinking in their comments to singles. I remember being told that perhaps God may be calling me to singleness by a couple who were anguished in their struggle to become pregnant. I would never have intimated to them that perhaps God’s plan for them did not include children. God chooses our journey and we draw closer to Him in the process and learn to trust that whatever He chooses is good and will transform us more and more into His image. No other person can know what His plan for us includes and should therefore not speculate on our behalf.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Amen, Michael! Those comments are never helpful, are they? It’s best to walk beside each other, carry one another’s burdens, and speak the truth in love when necessary. Thanks for sharing!

  6. I still remember once at sunday school, one elder lady was telling a story of a dear sister who has been single for almost 20 years before she finally married, while me being the only single in the room, I said I wouldn’t go to sunday school again… 20 years seems to be so long to me, what if God called me to be single for 20 years??!! I agree that even what we say may be true, how we said it matters way more than we can imagine. Being single is not a curse, though it may not always have sunshine in lives, I’ve experienced a lot blessings to have single sisters and be prepared for marriage during singleness. Thanks for writing this to remind speaking truth in love and with compassion!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      I remember you telling me this story:) Yeah, who wants to hear about someone who had to wait 20 years for a husband?! Not me! I’m glad you found my post resonated. I’ve seen God radically change you over the past five years–and it started with your dating life. Praise Him for redeeming us!

      • Kathryn says:

        I used to hear these irrelevant stories all the time
        About people who had family members
        Who were single um so freakin what ! And ???
        They aren’t me ! Not sure why they brought that up
        As it added 0 to the conversation !
        It was totally irrelevant . Not sure what they are trying to say
        But it really had 0 relevance

  7. I love this. love love love this. Thank you. Singleness isn’t a bad thing. We can all serve God in our own ways. I think we should be encouraged in our singleness… to hold out for a relationship that will build God and breed growth in that relationship, to serve in our singlesness, and to bring about the Church of God the best way we can WHILE we are single. It sucks. I’m not gonna lie. But it doesn’t always suck and there is good in there. So thank you for standing up for us single ladies :) We appreciate the encouragement more than you will ever know!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Your honesty is refreshing, Diana. I still remember those hard seasons of wondering whether or not God had anyone for me. Keep waiting for the right man and praying God will give you strength. Glad you were encouraged. Thanks for sharing your heart.

  8. Ashley says:

    This paragraph was exactly what I needed to hear!! “God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. This doesn’t translate into ‘right now’, but He’ll either give you a husband or change your desire.” Since I was young, the desire of my heart has been to be a wife and a mom. I am working on the desire for a husband to not become an idol in my life. I want God to be number one, first and foremost. I love what you said about God giving a husband or taking away the desire. That will be a great comfort during this tome of waiting! I am in a single ladies bible study and I will definitely be sharing this blog post with them. Thank you for your words of truth! :)

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Glad the post resonated with you. Thanks for sharing it with your Bible study. It can be so hard to wait, can’t it? Keep leaning on Christ during the times of longing–He will sustain you.

  9. Jessica says:

    Beautifully and perfectly stated! I had a women ask me recently if I was ok with being single? As if it was a choice. Luckily I have humor on my side and just smiled. But the above is so true and no matter how hard I pray for God to take the desire of marriage away it just gets stronger!!! Ashley thanks for recomending I read this!!!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Yes, I’m sure the woman was well-intentioned–but it hurts, I know. It’s good to have a sense of humor and give each other grace. I wouldn’t pray for God to take the desire for marriage away–pray for His will! Don’t assume He doesn’t want you to be married just because you’ve waited for longer than you’d like. Continue to pour yourself into serving Him and pray, pray, pray that if He has a husband for you–then He will prepare you and Him to serve together!

  10. Danelle says:

    Ruthie, I believe you have struck a nerve in me that I couldn’t put my finger on. Sadly, I have been that married girl who has told single friends that they may in-fact be called to singleness. Ugh. Even paired with “but God knows the desires of your heart”- this news is depressing. True but depressing. I played the martyr (victim) for so long in my marriage and I think that the negative, “suck-it-up” attitude still persists in me. That God wants us to suffer through life not enjoying things we desire is just not true. When you’re in a dark place, it’s easy to believe that. Thank you for reminding me that joy is found not in circumstances or marital status but in trusting a loving God. :)

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Danelle! Thanks for sharing. It’s easy to lack compassion, isn’t it? I’ve been hurt by and hurt others by “suck it up”, “get over it”, “stop complaining” messages. The truth is God never promises to make our lives easy (in fact following Christ means taking up your Cross–or your instrument of death)–but He does promise to never leave us & do everything for our future blessing. I spent too long thinking of God as a cruel taskmasker, when he instructs us to call him Abba Father and husband!

  11. Abby says:

    I just want to say THANK YOU Ruthie. I am so grateful for this blog as it blesses my heart every time I read it! I definitely thought I would be married and a mom to a few by now…but God had different plans. I love this quote, “God’s vision is different from our daydreams.” It’s true. God’s vision for our lives may not look like we thought it would…but there is so much to learn; so much life to be lived; so much to experience. I don’t want to miss the joy in THIS SEASON of my life because I’m longing so much for the next season. It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis.

    As a single Christian girl, I hear the most ridiculous statements from well meaning friends, family and church members. My older sister struggled with infertility for many years and experienced much of the same thing. Now, as a mama, she refuses to make those statements to women currently struggling with this. Like, “just stop thinking about it and you will get pregnant!” I feel the same way about being single. If I do get married, there are so many things that I will never say to the single people God places in my life. I love your thoughts on this. Thanks for being an incredible blessing to me!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Wow, Abby. I’m honored by your comments. Thank you for encouraging me!

      Glad the blog is blessing you. Praise God for not giving up on me when I told him “no” for 5 years about writing:) He kept insisting and I finally said yes! What a merciful God we serve.

      He knows your pain & struggles—continue to lean on Him during your singleness and ask how you can experience joy even in the midst of wanting marriage.

  12. Kristen says:

    My roommate and I had a conversation on this topic just last week. We realized that both of us had been lying to ourselves, and other people about our desire to marry. We had convinced ourselves, our familes and our community that we were called to be single because it seemed easier than dealing with the potential hurt. I also realized that I believed the lie, that being single was better. I thought that it was the only way I could do Kingdom work. It is interesting, because I do ministry with many married couples and the wife does just as much Kingdom work. I don’t know what the future holds but these past few weeks have included a lot of processing with close friends trying to figure out what the Lord wants for me, not what I think he wants.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Love that you were finally able to be honest with yourself and with God. Numbing our hearts is never what God intends–truly! It’s less painful just to ignore our desires, but God wants us to lean on Him in the midst of unmet wants and unmet expectations.

  13. Heather says:

    I grew up in a church by the name of King’s Park International Church, Many years ago, I attended a yearly church conference for college students called Campus Harvest (it’s fantastic, I would go again and recommend it to anyone). This particular year, there was a seminar that I believe had to do with dating, singleness, and marriage. One of the speakers was Jim Lafoon, an amazing pastor, who is prophetic like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t remember a whole lot from it, I mean lets be honest it was 3+ years ago – but there is one thing he said that I’ll NEVER forget. He said if you are AFRAID God has called you to single-hood, then you haven’t been.

    I can’t begin to say how much relief that statement brought me!!! (I’m the girl guys look at, flirt with, but literally next door to never ask out. Never in middle school (class of ’98), high school (class of ’03), nor thus far at my university (class of ’12 or 13 (life started out great in college and then I was railroaded multiple times byt it))). I’ve had 2 boyfriends both of whom I met online (will never go there again), was engaged to the 2nd (he broke it off in a text a couple years ago). Trying to surrender my love life completely to God while I get on with the purpose He has for my life.

  14. Kathleen says:

    This is a tough topic for me as I have never been married and have dated very little. (I am 51) yet I have so many people tell me that ‘God will give me the desires of my heart’ and that I need to learn to be content. Sometimes it just hits you in the face and you start to question ‘what is in my life that is not pleasing to God or what needs to change so that God will bless me in this area’
    Then you look around, I attend a very large church and the number of available men is very slim… where are the ‘real men’ these days. I really stuggle with this as I have never felt that I was called to singleness but feel that I have been left here.
    In one of your earlier post, you asked the question about the circle of friends getting smaller.. it is very small. All my friends are way older than me and retired and the only thing that draws us together is the need of company so you try and find something that you have in common.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Kathleen, I cannot imagine the pain of watching friend after friend get married and not having the chance yourself. Know this: God sees you & knows your desires. Remember when the Virgin Mary found out she was pregnant? She said, “I will praise the God WHO SEES ME.” I love that image of God.

      • Kathryn says:

        I can relate !!! I have watched couples Form
        Date get engaged married then have kids – it’s not fun
        At all !! But what really hurts me is my 13 year old niece may have her first boyfriend before me. !
        That’s never suppose to happen !

  15. lisa says:

    Hi–thanks for your thoughtful blog. It convicted me a little that maybe I’ve “given up” on getting married–and that’s not a very faith-ful or healthy attitude. On the other hand, I think we do set ourselves up for failure when we make marriage the “chief blessing” of being a Christian–there’s so much more! What about leading someone to Christ? What about the joy of a unified body of all kinds of people? What about being God’s hands and feet of love to orphans? It seems silly when you step back to spend so much agony over one missing experience or relationship.
    Although I know it will get harder for me as I age if I don’t get married. I try to treasure examples like Lilias Trotter and a friend in her 60s who went to the mission field in her 20s, single and with polio! She’s now retired and I asked her if she’d ever consider dating. She told me she had to lay her singleness on the altar to God and try to hold IT with an open hand!!
    I don’t know–I want to be balanced, but what really happens is I go in cycles of contentment vs. discontentment–and throughout I always still have romantic desires. But lately it doesn’t feel like my most desperate need. More desperate is the sense of need for the Spirit’s work in my life and seeing Jesus’ kingdom realized.
    Anyway, a bit of a different perspective, for what it’s worth.

  16. Selena says:

    Thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtfulness in dealing with this subject. I do agree that if you are called to singleness, that will be your desire. If you are desiring marriage keep believing God for your mate but in the mean time, keep your focus on the Lord and what He has for you to do in the present.

  17. Shem Roldan says:

    Thank you Ruthie for posting this little narrative. I’m a 28 yr old man. I really have only met the Lord in my life last November. And life has took on a totally different direction. I currently attend a young man’s (Catholic) Christian Bible Study every Tuesday and I attend an interdenominational Charismatic Gathering on Sundays. I honestly really join it for the worship songs. They are just great!

    I’ve recently gone through two (inconclusive) revelations that I might be called to a life of singleness. My current thoughts right now are “I don’t want to be alone in life. Why would God do this? I know the Lord is always with me, but I have always deeply desired and envisioned that He would eventually lead me to someone. I desire small kisses, long phone calls, children, a family, etc. I desire a partner to be with and to share companionship. This is my DEEPEST desire.” I haven’t been in a relationship in years. I just can’t wrap my head around being single for my entire life.

    Kindly pray for me. I have been opening myself up to God’s specific plan for me up until now, and now all I see is a huge brick wall. I’m just so angry, bitter, and resentful with Him. His plan is totally OPPOSITE from my deepest desire! I know this is mean and un-Christian for me to say, but a part of me just feels like He is so selfish. I thought if anything, He would fill my deepest desires. This is the probably the hardest struggle I have ever gone up against. I don’t want to be angry at God. I guess I just thought that it would be in the works for me to be with someone.

    I’ll pray for the humility and patience to accept that God can change my desire.

    Any prayers or comments would greatly be appreciated.

  18. Sherell says:

    I am so glad I found your site. I was going through one of my “when will it be my turn?” moments and was sitting around googling topics on singleness. Your site came up, and I have already been blessed. I have been blessed with so many earthly accomplishments, but my heart still feels such a void because of my desire to be married. I am almost 40 and never imagined that I would be single at this point in my life. Some days are really good and others are utterly depressing and sad. I want to be happy and content on my singleness; it’s just that somedays it seems more like a curse than a blessing. I have signed up for your updates, so I look forward to more inspiration. God bless you.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Sherell,

      I’m thrilled you found my site. Wow. I love hearing stories of what people were searching when they stumbled upon my site. You don’t know how many stories I hear of women searching “singleness”–you are not alone. It’s incredibly painful when our plans don’t line up with God’s and were left wondering when it will be our turn. I write about singleness often so I pray you will continue to be inspired.

      bless you, dear sister!

  19. Cheryl says:

    Then you’ve got the spinster woman who is so bereft over her situation, she’ll tell you, “Don’t be so greedy!! You have already been married”. Well, that was like a ten foot pole over the head.

    • @ Cheryl,
      As a never married 40 something woman who wanted marriage, er, yeah, it’s rather hard to work up loads of sympathy for someone who’s been married before but who got a divorce later.

      No offense to the infertile ladies, but it’s like reading forums where married infertile ladies complain bitterly about not being able to have a baby but who keep mentioning in their posts, things like,”my wonderful husband who holds my hand as I weep over the infertility, and he takes me to doctor appointments…”

      As a never married woman, it’s hard to drum up sympathy for people who are either currently married who or were before, especially the ones who show no gratitude for the spouse they have (if they have one).

  20. Stacey says:

    Loved your post! I started to write a reply, but it got REALLY long… b/c I’m me… and then it became it’s own blog response… http://staceytuttle.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/what-if-i-never-get-married/ . I mentioned the other extreme and equally really unhealthy reply – the “Don’t worry, God’s got someone for you” false promise reply.

    I hope anyone reading my post will do as I suggested and read yours too! I resonate so much with the comments here as well. I know there is a worse loneliness than being single, and I know God is in control…etc. But what I know and what I feel aren’t always in agreement. Unfortunately, so many times it’s tempting to let sadness rule and to wallow in being “unchosen” and “unwanted”, left out and left behind – no matter how ridiculously untrue those things may be. I appreciate everyone’s willingness to start with such honesty…but fierce commitment to end up by choosing to believe what is TRUE, noble, lovely, etc. (because of Jesus) over their feelings. The battle to do so really is a fierce and relentless one. Battle on, my fellow single warriors!

  21. Greg says:

    Wow! Where to start?

    One little verse that I keep coming back to is Jesus’ own words in Matthew 19:12: “Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”

    “…who can” Two little words with a lot of implication about being single!

    Still single at 43, I have _really_ struggled with it, and started a website (waitingforintimacy.com) as a way of collecting my thoughts on this issue, and hopefully serve as an encouragement to other singles–they’re not alone!

    Excellent post (and love this blog too!)

    Greg

  22. violet says:

    I’m 64 and still single. I don’t think I regretted it. Perhaps the right man did not came along yet? Or I must have missed him ? At 23 I became the head of the family as my father died. I did have some boyfriends but none proposed or not really that serious. But I have no regrets. Then my mother retired so I am sole wage earner. In the Philippines, it’s difficult to be the lone wage earner. I feel getting married may pose several problems. Then there’s my brother who needed schooling and so on… Perhaps if it is really the Lord’s will to get married or remained single? But right now, I’m just happy having a personal relationship with Jesus. Whether he wants me to get married or not, I am happy until He return. God Bless you for your encouraging column.

  23. Kathryn says:

    David and Bathsheba isn’t a legit comparison as their child was conceived in adultery and david had bathsheba’s husband killed .

  24. Kathryn says:

    I’m 38 never dated and yes I wanted to but it never happened !
    Being single is like a cancer
    I will never be content with being alone
    I was told Jesus is my husband um no he’s not
    I’m 38 !!i
    I feel embarrassed ashamed and disheartened
    I don’t care If God called me to be single the answer is no !!!
    Didn’t call any friends or family

    I too have been told by people Of this alleged call
    Never occurred to me until some person assumed
    .
    My feelings for God changed and no for the better

    No it’s.not Ok God !!

    Im tired of feeling disregarded by God

    • Nancy says:

      Kathryn,

      It’s OK to hurt, because I don’t believe it’s God’s will for most people to be single, and it’s a God given desire to be married. But unfulfilled desires are part of living in a fallen world. I completely understand the shame you feel – we are reminded of it at work, at the church, and in the media that marriage, which happens so easily for so many, just has not come our way. However, you will have peace when you realize that shame is not yours to carry. The Lord will carry it for us, and promises a blessing for those with the courage to mourn. Take heart, because there is always comfort and blessing and freedom on the other side of grief. Allow yourself the freedom to grieve, without shame, because this is not your fault. And try, if you can, find people who will comfort you and walk with you in your singleness, instead of giving you pat answers that it’s “God’s call”. These types of statements are more about making the people saying them feel better about a situation that they cannot explain, and helps the avoid walking with those who suffer.

      I will pray for you, for Go’d comfort and rest in your situation. Never give up hope, nor be ashamed of it. God has often blessed people even in the twilight of their lives, when all hope seemed lost. And rest assured, your grief will not be in vain in the hands of the Lord.

      Nancy

    • Kathryn says:

      Twilight ? I’m 38 not 58 yikes .

    • Giray says:

      Awesome article. Yes I know the feeling perhaps try and join a on line dating like christian mingle or ok cupid I found Pat Holliday book on spirit of Asmodeus which prevents singles from marrying helped me. I am now seriously dating as I no longer believe in the just wait on God i was doing that and now in late 30′s . Marriage was supposed to be created by GOD how come it seems everyone else is getting married? I have no idea what I ever did to God to make him treat me this way. Even worse is seeing people who slept around getting married and having children, Heck even gay marriages are taking place.

    • Giray says:

      Hope this article from focus on family may encourage you about couples who found love love later in life. :Douglas and Glenda’s Answered Prayer
      http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/love_and_sex/the_challenges_of_dating_later_in_life/story_marrying_later_in_life.aspx

  25. Nancy says:

    I’m in my mid 40s and I have never been married. I am content, but I still would prefer to married to a good man. My singleness is not a choice. I also don’t think contentness equals the absence of desire to marry. I don’t believe my singleness is God’s call to singleness, either. We shouldn’t be surprised that there are many older, never married single women in the church, since there is such an abysmal shortage of Christian men in the church. If anything, our lingering singleness bears witness against the church for her failure to evangelize men in this country. It’s hardly evidence of God’s call to singleness. I think He hurts with us in our ache, and gives us peace in the midst of it.

    • Kathryn says:

      You think he hurts ? Um I hope he remedies the situation !
      I had to stop taking what people think God is doing seriously or as what’s happening
      As its just an opinion . It used to trouble me and anger me
      Until I realized what people think is just that what they think
      No one knows . One can think God hurts well isn’t that giving God the reaction you have ?

    • @ Nancy.
      I could have written your post, though I am a few years younger. I am single by circumstance, not choice.

      One thing that cheeses me off is all the garbage I was taught as a kid and teen about all this.

      I was told by so many Christian lay persons, my Christian mother, preachers, I saw it in so many Christian magazines and books about dating and marriage back then, that if I prayed about the matter, trusted God to send me a spouse, that God would send me a spouse. Here I am, still not married and in my early forties.

      I’ve dumped the old chestnut about ‘be not yoked to an unbeliever” already. Following that teaching to a “T” is a recipe to most definitely staying single indefinitely. I’ve drifted a little bit from the Christian faith in the last two years anyway, where I’m partially agnostic now, so maybe the “yoked” thing is a moot point for me.

      But for many, many years I was a goody goody Christian girl. I didn’t smoke, drink, sleep around, go to bars, I prayed for a spouse but am still single. Most churches I have gone to in person, the females vastly out number the single males.

      I have given up on all the standard Christian advice about how to get married, because it does not work at all.

      • kathryn says:

        me too pundit – i was told to ask God for a spouse as well and well 10 years later im still single and actually have never dated.

  26. Kathryn says:

    What’s horrible is that I had a teacher who was pregnant while in her class
    That baby got married last year ! I have too many stories like this and none of them
    Encourage me !!! Why the heck do some thik by hearing about what you’ve asked God to do
    In your life happen In someone elses one is encouraged um encouraged ? I’m not encouraged and wonder why not in my Life !!!!!! I’m 38 and can’t handle watching others get married and have kids
    I can’t have kids either . This isn’t fair at all ! Watching others isn’t a purpose in Iife
    I went to focus on the family Facebook page and saw so many thank God for their marriages
    I’m tired no fed up of Christians making excuses , If God can do that for others
    why isn’t he doing for some of us ? It’s not good for man to be alone ? I’m alone !
    I’m no exception to that . I’m so lonely I talk to myself just to hear a voice .

    I have a huge disadvantage being asexual . That will prevent me from getting married
    So will hep c
    I did nothing to bring on so much crap in my life that will be a permanent obstacle
    This is overkill and ridiculous

    God gave me more than I can handle
    Thing is I don’t handle it !

  27. Paul says:

    being very much alone for many of us is very sad, and i am sure that you will agree with me. i was married at one time before my wife of 15 years cheated on me which i was a very caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her as well. now going out all over again is like history is repeating itself for me, and i hate going out as it is since the women today have certainly changed for the worse. very hard for many of us men that are looking to find love again after a divorce, and many women today are just so very nasty to meet as it is. i feel as if God doesn’t want me to have a love life anymore, and expects me to stay alone which will be very depressing. when i see so many very blessed men and women that have met one another and have a family, it upsets me very much. i always wanted to have a family too, and many men and women that have each other should really be very thankful for what they have since many of us don’t.

    • @ Paul.

      Sorry you are having a rough time, but… It’s not a picnic for single Christian women either. I’m over 40 and have not married yet.

      Most so called Christian guys on dating sites that I ran into when I tried online dating had lewd and vulgar comments on their profiles or asked sexually suggestive questions right up front.

      It’s not a breeze for unmarried Christian women, either.

      • Paul says:

        Hi Christianpundit, as you can see that i made my comment back in August. Loneliness for many of us men is very bad today, and i will certainly admit that many of us men are the much weaker sex when it comes to being alone since many women just like you can handle it much better than us. I am hoping to meet a good woman for me this time around after my divorce, and it is very difficult for both men and women today that are going through the same thing. I never thought it would really be that difficult, but today it really is. My Aunt And Uncle just celebrated their 65th year together, and it was really meant to be for them when they met in Junior High School back then. Back then it was much easier meeting one another with the help of many family and friends, since the times were a lot different too. And many men and women were very blessed to have met in school which made it just as easy. I get rejected by women a lot, and i am not an ugly man at all. And yet women will go out with the creepiest men that i have ever seen, and it really does make me wonder that God is really punishing me for some reason that i don’t know about. I will never understand at all, but i will just go out and hope for the best for me. And now that the Holidays are here, it make it much worse for many of us that are still alone. Well good luck to you too, and Peace.

  28. Shane says:

    I completely agree with what you say about how the truth is sometimes not helpful, but there is another side of the coin to this: those people who tell you that “there’s definitely someone out there for you”, when of course I know and they know that they’re in no position to guarantee that.

    At the end of the day I don’t know if I’m going to be eventually sentenced to my worst nightmare, but sometimes it feels like God is playing games with me by not making it clear, nor giving me any ascertainable reason why he’s kept me single whilst instilling a desire in my heart not to be single.

    One more gripe: Why are all the “single lonely christian” articles I can find on the internet geared towards women? I guess there must be less single christian guys in the world, but personally I’m in a city with not a lot of faithful churches and the only single woman close to my age at my church has already turned me down….we have the exact opposite problem where I am, not enough women!

  29. E says:

    I believe the vast majority of humans are called to marriage, because in the union of male and female, we find God. In fact, I question the “call to singleness,” as it sounds like some kind of balm created by married folk to try to rationalize why some people just don’t get married. As someone who is 30 and unmarried (though currently dating), I have often marveled at how some people jump from marriage to marriage, yet I have not had one relationship last to the point of proposal. The epidemic of singleness is a cancer of society. We humans are doing something terribly wrong; namely, we are not teaching successive generations how to form and MAINTAIN healthy relationships. Marriages and relationships are not disposable.
    I also disdain the concept of “waiting” for God to “send” us somebody. As one saying goes, “God helps those who help themselves.” I tried online dating recently and it has opened up a whole new chapter in my dating life. While it may not work for everybody, for those of us whose dating lives went dry, this is quite a help. If you want something go get it. “Knock and the door shall be opened to you.” Resign to waiting and you may wait your life away!
    I once watched an episode of a program called “Our America” about arranged marriages. It opened my eyes. They showed arranged marriages from the three major religions. It was astounding. These partners came from families with a strong sense of community and religion. Society needs to embrace community and religion again…and perhaps, to start arranging marriages. In modern times the concept of “arranged marriage” often has a negative connotation. But when we realize that we are all children of God, then we accept that we can make a loving relationship work with anyone as long as the spouse is just as committed.
    Just some food for thought. :)

    • kathryn says:

      God helps those who helps themselves was said by benjamin franklin and has never made sense to me

      Don’t those who help themselves well helped themselves why would God need to help if people did it themselves?

  30. Kathryn says:

    What disturbs me are so many pushing alot of to accept ” the fact ”
    That its ” not Gods will ” for some us to marry
    So many holes in that

    1) who told them that
    2) why on earth would they be told at all – not their life
    3) what’s it to them
    4) they are no prophet
    5) what good are they doing
    6) they are elevating themselves into speaking for God
    7) what’s it them what some of us do
    8) it’s their opinion
    9) repeat 1-8
    10) I cor 7 was written by the apostle Paul to the church at Corinth
    During a very Sprcific time . We are not living back then not ever did nor
    are any of us members of church of Corinth

    11) why are so many hellbent in trying to impose
    and convince us we have been called to be single

    I say baloney !

  31. I appreciate where you are coming from with your blog post, and that you are trying to be sympathetic towards adult singles, but I none the less disagree with a point or two.

    You said in your blog post, “Singleness is always an exception, not a norm.”

    The Bible does not teach that view at all, and it’s not been true in American society now for the past decade or longer.

    Currently about 44% of the adult American population is unmarried, and only about 20% are married with children at home.

    Americans are either not marrying at all anymore, or the age of first marriage is delayed now. People are no longer marrying in their early and mid 20s as in previous generations, if they marry at all. Being married is no longer the norm.

    I addressed that perception (that marriage is the norm) at my blog, in a post called “False Christian Teaching: “Only A Few Are Called to Singleness and Celibacy” or (also false): God’s gifting of singleness is rare – More Accurate: God calls only a few to marriage and God gifts only the rare with the gift of Marriage”

    Whether to marry or stay single are presented in the New Testament as being matters left up to individual choice, neither state is granted, gifted, or given to anyone by God. God does not force anyone to be married or to be single.

    You said, “God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. This doesn’t translate into ‘right now’, but He’ll either give you a husband or change your desire.”

    That also is not true. I’m in my early 40s, want marriage, still single, have never married, and my desire for a spouse and for having sex has not diminished – or more accurate to say, has not vanished, over time. You just merely learn to let go and adjust to not having either one. It’s not a matter of the desire going away.

    Also, please see the book “Singled Out” by Christian authors Field and Colon, where they mention there are many other Christian singles in their 50s and older who died still wanting a spouse but never got one. God does not change a person’s desire in this area for many people; God does not remove the desire for a spouse.

    God also does not remove sexual desire from Christians who practice celibacy. That is another commonly misunderstood issue.

    Many Christians mistakenly believe if you are still a virgin past your 30s, such as me, it’s because God has magically lifted any and all sexual urges from you – wrong, wrong, wrong! I was not granted super powers, or a lowered libido. yes, I had chances to have sex before, but I turned them down. It’s simply will power and self control that keeps me abstaining, not any special, super natural powers or abilities.

    God does not “gift” anyone with celibacy or singleness.

    God did not choose in eternity past who would marry or who would be single – he leaves those choices up to us.

    I appreciate the motive behind your post (to cheer up singles), but just wanted to toss in my two cents in an area or two where I had a disagreement. Thank you.

  32. Gregorie says:

    Interesting post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, but I have to disagree with the underlying message of the post.

    I think the Christian culture has really twisted the whole idea of singleness and marriage and left poor young twenty somethings painfully waiting for Mr. and Mrs. Right. Waiting…and waiting..and waiting and missing Christ right in front of them! The all-satisfying Jesus! I am 24 years old, single (and happy!), but I spent a majority of my early 20′s constantly waiting and looking for some guy to come along. Maybe if I just try to be content enough, THEN he’ll bring someone along. Maybe if I feign satisfaction in Christ, THEN he’ll bring somebody along. Maybe if I pretend not to care, THEN he’ll bring somebody alone. I would get so frustrated “What do I have to do God for you to bring someone into my life?! What do you want me to do??” Then I realized (by God’s grace), God NEVER promised me a husband. NEVER! I can’t find it anywhere in the Bible. And the Scripture “God will give you the desires of your heart” is unfortunately so often misused. It certainly doesn’t mean that every desire we have is from the Lord and that he will fulfill them all because we also know that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). And I’m very young so I don’t have a lot of life experience, but I know there have been many cases in my life where God did not give me the desire of my heart. Maybe because I wasn’t delighting myself in Him, so it wasn’t a desire He actually placed there or maybe it just wasn’t His will to fulfill that desire; I don’t know. But I know it’d be a scary world if God gave us EVERY desire of our heart. So what have I been waiting for for so many years?

    The Christian culture has placed singleness into this “transition” season. Like it’s only temporary as if there was no way God would leave you in this forsaken place of singleness. It’s so horrible, just keep waiting, he’ll be here any moment! This is so engrained into our Christian culture that this is precisely why singleness is seen as such a negative thing and it’s very, very sad. Marriage is not the end all be all of life. You haven’t “arrived” if you finally get married. But I think that’s what our Christian culture has forced many young people (especially girls) to feel like. “I just gotta get through this singleness stage then I will get married and everything will be okay”. Now I am definitely not knocking marriage! I think marriage is great and I would like to be married someday. I am so blessed and encouraged by so many married couples in my life; they are such an example to me and if I get married one day, I have so many great examples to look upon. But it is very dangerous to EXPECT a married life from God as if he owes me that just because I want it. It is also dangerous to live a life of temporariness where singleness is seen as a curse that I have to suffer through just for a season.

    A single life is a blessing from God and is wonderful and hard. A married life is a blessing from God and is wonderful and hard. They are two very different paths. One isn’t better than the other; they are just different and God calls everyone to one or the other (God doesn’t care about statistics, He cares about His glory being made known by His will being accomplished in our lives through the paths He has chosen to take us on, whether that is a single life or a married one). I wish Christian churches today would talk about the single life more in a positive light; maybe then we wouldn’t be so scared to walk down that path.

    • kathryn says:

      “God calls everyone to one or the other” – well i don’t know that. sure man can say all sorts of things about God but doesn;t make them true. I”m concerned that people are putting their faith and trust in the opinions of well intending people but their advice is what’s wrong and very hurtful and misleading. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and pursuing it. it’s not a sin to get married or want to get married . if one person feels a certain way thats up to them just can’t force it onto someone else and put and attatch Gods name to it – God sure gets a lot of unecessary blame when people give their opinion but pass it off as Gods – I learned the hard way that people are giving their opinion it really is theirs not God’s .

      It sounds like you mean well but other people don’t have or should not feel guilty over this opinion of yours.
      if that’s how you feel great but no one else should feel obligated to feel it or adopt it

      my friend said it best – we are own person . what may work for you well doesn’t have to work for someone else

      let God do the calling please – its not up to man what God calls people to do

      i know you mean well but it doesn’t really excuse commenting on what God calls people to do, focus on what God has called you to do – not the rest of us – thx

      • Jim says:

        Well God does punish many of us men with Loneliness, and many of us do hope to meet a good woman to settle down with. Why on earth should should we be alone in the first place since it is certainly not fun at all? I have read a topic that God said, a wife is a gift from God. I also read another topic that said, man should not be Alone. Makes very much sense to me, Doesn’t It? The only problem with that is, there are Not so nice women to meet out there anymore today.

    • Mystery P says:

      *slow clap*

      *claps louder*

      *standing ovation*

      I also question whether or not I want to get in a relationship because I genuinely want to or it’s just because everyone in my church is doing it. Things change when your friends get married and move away–it can be weird. :\

  33. Jennifer says:

    “God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. This doesn’t translate into ‘right now’, but He’ll either give you a husband or change your desire.”

    That is such a dangerous (and hurtful) theological lie. For many, the desires of their hearts involve having children, yet they are neither given, nor is the desire removed. Grace may be given to live with it, but it doesn’t go away. And there are countless other examples beyond the desire for marriage.

    Living with unfulfilled desires is a part of being alive in this world. We are not Buddhists, after all, seeking the death of all desire.

    One day, in a new heaven and earth, I believe there will be wholeness and fullness (though I admit that there are many days that feels all too abstract). But to say that in this life, these desires will either be fulfilled or changed leaves many of us in a place of confusion and abandonment.

  34. Melody says:

    I am on the verge of turning 31 and I have to say that the older I get the harder it is to have faith that I’ll ever get married and have a children. The advice I keep getting is to turn to online dating because there are no other options. I put a profile on Christian Mingle and the men who smiled at my profile all seemed so desperate and I found myself having an anxiety attack every time I signed in. I am very active in the music ministry in my church but I often find myself on the outside looking in because I’m not married and have no children. it’s hard to be the minority in today’s church ( especially in the bible belt) I am a college graduate and hold degrees in Music and Biology and was active at the Wesley house on my campus. I wish I understand where God was leading me because truthfully all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. I have also been seeing a christian counseling who has been helping me work on the things I think would hinder me from being in a relationship. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to put my whole trust in God with my future…single or married. I am so glad I stumbled across this blog..It seems to offer me a new hope!

    • Greg says:

      It is very difficult to be single (am 44, so I can empathize). I’ve started a website (waitingforintimacy.com) that I trust can serve as a respite (if nothing else) and encourage other singles as they wait. It seems there are very few resources out there that minister to that end.

      BTW, just a word to the wise regarding Christian Mingle: I had my account terminated after I paid for a three-month subscription with them (go figure), and got no help in restoring it, no plausible explanation as to why it was even cancelled in the first place…just an automated e-mail ‘reply’. Only once I threatened to contact my credit card company did they suddenly get responsive and credit my account. If you do some digging online, you’ll find they’re not very trustworthy…they’re owned by a secular network (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChristianMingle) of generic dating sites.

      • kathryn says:

        im 38 and being told God called me to be single to serve him instead has never once been a source of anything good , positive or encouraging. its beyond me why there are some people almost trying to convince us – no for me its been people trying to talk me into believing God has called me to be single to serve him instead. I even had a christian radio host send me a pamphlet about God calling singles to be single with well hit and miss verses that never did acutally say a call to be single – i was kind of disturbed that there is even a pamphlet to begin with

        how i feel is that too many are really trying hard to talk some of us into being single and my question is why?
        im 38 and have felt left out my entire life over this

        God said its not good for man to be alone – i dont care what other people say let alone think on this mattter anymore – its my life and i will do whats best for me – complete strangers dont get to decide let alone comment on whats best for me anymore – people that I matter to is who i listen to.

        God has never said that he called anyone to be single . its not in the bible no matter what man has said – my question is why did man say it in the first place? the apostle paul has gotten way too much credit and honestly he made a comment that said he wished people could be like him – he never said anyone had to !!!

        i trust God in this but being single is not whats best for anyone in my opinion. being single is lonely

        as for this Jesus is a husband ok what about single men is he a wife to them? would it be a same sex marriage?
        no because Jesus is no one’s literal husband and its foolish and untrue to say he is
        Jesus died for me he didn’t marry me , period !

  35. John Morga says:

    The “glory of singleness” gets dimmer in a pornographic society that doesn’t even know what it is.

  36. kathryn says:

    what also has hurt me is the idea that God has blessed people with spouses – to me that make me think he favored those he provided for. why did he provide for them? did they do something to warrant such a blessing – more times than not no they did not do anything spectacular at all which is why is kind of sucks – or is it perhaps God has not provided anyone with a spouse – look at the divorce rate? if I was God and i knew the future and knew people would divorce – yeah i would not put those people together – sure man has free will and i get that – but thats not the point – my point is perhaps man has free will in deciding who they marry and God has nothing to do with it – that might explain why so many are single – one should be looking for a spouse instead of waiting for one because the right will come along is not really true – cant say they dont come but if they do well oops lol

    • Bill says:

      Well i would certainly say that God is really punishing many of us when it comes to having a love life that we want so bad, and many of us men are still hoping to find a good woman to share our life with too. It is so unfair to see so many other men and women that have been so very blessed by God, and it really makes me wonder what did we ever do wrong in the first place for this to happen to us. We’re certainly no different than the ones that have it, and so i know how you feel as well. I really wonder if many of the others have the word Special on their forehead, and that would explain it. God what about us innocent men and women out there that are very seriously looking to have a love life too?

      • Kathryn says:

        Try being told Jesus is your husband
        How exactly does this. ” marriage work ” for one the alleged groom is a no show literally smh

  37. Ann says:

    Sorry, I am a church member and am really questioning my faith. God h

    does seem to have favorites. He doesn’t answer prayers on our time but on His time. But I can end my life on my time
    So tired of being lonely and unwanted.

    • Giray says:

      Maybe join a book club,hiking, running don’t just expect to meet someone in church. OR the majority of Christian women would be married by now.

  38. Jlolly says:

    i just don’t know what to believe anymore. As i get older, the thought of not being married is beginning to bother me, much more than it did before. I am optimistic and trying to keep the faith. But in the back of my I wonder what if it never happens, I have to move on, how do i stop the pangs in my stomach when i see couples together, or how do i not resent people who have good spouses and don’t appreciate them, or the ones who changes spouses more often than the wind direction.

    Whatever the outcome, i don’t want to live in self pity, resentment, or spend my life obssessing about it. Just want to learn to be content whatever state I’m in, change what i can and accept what i can’t.

    All of this growing i know will not happen overnight. God has given me grace to handle everthing else, so i’m trusting He’ll continue to so.

    • Steve says:

      Many times myself as a single man looking for a good woman to spend the rest of my life with, makes me really wonder why would God bless so many others and not us? God can be so very mean to many of us innocent ones, and we certainly didn’t do anything wrong for this to happen to us. We’re certainly no different than they’re, and we certainly deserve to have a life as well.

      • Giray says:

        Steve why dont you ask some ladies out like in your church? perhaps part of the reason is men are not asking women out?

        • jacqueline says:

          In most congregation, the women far out number
          The men not enough to go around.

          In our quest to find a mate, should we just only just ask people we are attracted to out, or just date to see if an attraction develops?

          faith without works is dead. So i guess we should take the same practical approach to finding a spouse the same way we find other things. For eg if we are job hunting, praying and sitting at home waiting for the job is not enough, we have to create a resume, search and apply, interview etc. On the other hand i don’t want to seem desperate in my search, or make it an all comsuning quest.

          Where is the balance.?

  39. Kathryn says:

    People who divorce and remarry really bother me
    Why are they getting 2nd opportunites when many of us never had the opportunity at all
    I’m sorry but God is inconsistent if he’s providing for some but not others
    I think I can’t wait on God anymore
    I’m 38 and not a big beliver in the Gods an on time God cliche
    He’s very late !!!
    I will get married either with or without his help but I refuse to be single for much longer
    I am very serious !!

    • Steve says:

      To Kathryn, i certainly do feel that God is to Blame. And i am getting sick and tired of being very much alone all the time, and that is not fair at all. I am 59 years old, and as you can see it hurts me even more. I was married for 15 years before she Cheated on me, and i was a very caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her as well. But it wasn’t good enough for her. Yes, God can certainly be a very rotten person too many of us, and i wish that he would stop hurting us when it comes to having a love life that he gave so many others.

      • kathryn says:

        im tired of feeling slighted by God any time i hear or read when people claim God brought them a spouse
        i really got angry a few weeks ago when i read not one but two people claiming that God “handpicked” them
        one gal insists that God handpicked their spouse just for them except this was not the persons first marriage smh
        another gal decided that God handpicked her to be the mother to her son

        ok where is this handpicked by God analogy coming from? Im not only single I also cant have kids
        yeah i feel very slighted by God

        i also am fed up with this notion that singles must be content with being single, see it as a gift and to embrace it
        its actually up to me what i feel and its not a decision its what i feel !!

        i feel very alone, forgotten, neglected and well slighted by God

        he created marriage yet i am to miss out – why exactly ?
        i have never heard an actual answer only peoples opinions and yes they vary from who i spoke to smh !!!

        • Steve says:

          HI Kathryn, i feel very bad as well. It is always the good people like us that have to suffer when it comes to finding love. God has really forgotten about us, and i will never understand why. So many of us men too just can’t meet a good woman to settle down with. I really hate when they advertize family commercials on TV about trips to Florida, and why in the world would a single person go to Florida by themselves? Certainly not me. They should stop showing these type of commercials on TV which makes it worse for us, which adds insult to injury. It is very bad enough that we don’t have a love life as it is. Hopefully our luck will change for the good, and i wish you the best as well.

    • Giray says:

      ITs not God to blame it his church and many pastors believe me .

  40. K Ackley says:

    I like the article about singleness and that no one should tell someone they are called to be single. I think they should also not tell them “Mr Wright will come at the right time”. That’s not fair either – cuz he might not!!

    I am 50 and never married – I don’t like that phrasiology but many ask: “Have you ever been married?” “Did you ever want to be married?”People just don’t understand why someone would be single. When I tell people I am single they seem to want to know if I ever married or ever wanted to be married. I don’t ask them “Why did you GET married?”

    What you did not address in the article is what married people should NEVER say: “you are not alone, God is with you.” That statement is NOT FAIR!!! I have come to tell married people up front, with tears running down my face as I express my dissatisfaction at being single when surrounded by couples, Please do not tell me I am NOT ALONE. I live alone, come home to an empty house and feel mis-placed when surrounded by couples. What I am telling this “friend” is that I am lonely and could use a friend to do things with but couples with children are busy – I get that. Please, just don’t tell me I am not alone – because even with God in my life, I am physically alone in my home and what I need is companionship, compassion and a friend to ease the lonliness.

    Now, I know it is up to me to make friends and make those invitations – but really, it’s exhausting.

  41. Katherine D says:

    I am a 29 year old single Christian woman. I spent my teens and early to mid twenties living a horrible life of sin and idolatry. I was born again at age 26. I alot of pre-marital sex and other forbidden activites. I was also a militant feminist before being saved. The Holy Spirit has changed me so much that it is shocking. I know a peace that I never knew before. I am still seeking atonement and forgiveness for all of my youthful mistakes. I think God may want me to be single, and I can accept that. Perhaps I had enough intimacy for a life time? Maybe I don’t deserve marriage? I have changed my life and am just happy that Jesus died for sins to give me Eternal life in Heaven. Isn’t that enough? I think it is.

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  43. PrinnyP says:

    …is being Christian AND single REALLY that bad? I think the issue is that we view it as an epidemic. Honestly, I feel like sometimes my desire to date/be in a relationship is a direct/indirect result of it being impressed that marriage is what we have to DO after graduating college and getting a job (well, during, really). :\

  44. Giray says:

    Wow really glad I found this article. Yes its very discouraging I always was careful to obey God’s commands and this is my reward no marriage no kids at 38. Everyone I know who is married even in the church slept around cohabited had kids got married and now happily back in church. I used to try and encourage them to stick to Christ before marriage but know I realise they were the wise one and i was the silly one. Nothing more hurtful than people asking if you want children or your very pretty why are you not married i have prayed,fasted broke every curse I can think off. Now i realise I will probably end up undergoing IVF or similar by 42 at least if i cant have a happy marriage i can have a child.

    • a says:

      Dont be discouraged trust God its possible to have a baby later in lifw it just depends what will make u happiest and be best for you

      • Giray says:

        Thank you I am starting to have hope now.

        I went to a church where the pastor understands the plight of singles he’s praying encouraging and standing with the singles to find their partner Him and his wife are amazing I have already seen my prayers answered and broken known and unknown barriers on what could be hindering me from finding partner

  45. Romy says:

    My goodness, i loved this post! God in His perfect kindness doesnt force us to accept a cirucmstance we’re struggling with, He prepares us. We have to look at His Word and His beautiful promises. Thank you!

  46. Phillip K. says:

    Singleness and a relationship with God will eventually lead to sin. The flesh is weak, yes the spirit is willing.. but wake up to reality!!!! we are human beings created by God to be attracted to the opposite sex. I don’t know about you women, but when I look at a beautiful woman (not lustfully) something inside me comes to life.. my heart jumps, chemistry starts.. that’s how God made me…He has made me to need to be with a woman .. God cannot be here in Physical format. I have Physical needs, (no not sex) – I’m talking about being with someone, sitting having coffee or dinner.. sharing a story, going on a walk, heck, rolling over in the morning and hugging your spouse and say “good morning dear” – God cannot do these things. He is spirit – a ghost we cannot process with our senses – only our spirits. I know a mate in my life is a missing piece of the puzzle.. God Said “I know the thoughts I think towards you thoughts of good and not of evil – to give you a future” – if God thinks that I am to be single and I have this desire to want to be a woman, then he needs to reboot me with different software. I sure as hell am not going to be single all my life, doing his work, helping others be “blessed” and possibly meeting theirs mates… call me selfish, hard heart-ed, bitter, etc… I call it being honest, real, and not lying with myself..

    just wait til you young christians get to me almost 40 and god never answered your prayer… but yet you see your friends and everyone around you grow up, get married have children ..

    get real with yourself

  47. Jazmine says:

    It worries me reading all of this… I just turned 18… seems like all the girls I know met someone by my age. I may have crushes, but more often then not they are celebrities or complete strangers who I don’t have contact with. Others… well… to be honest there’s one who I don’t think I have much of a chance with. I don’t even know if he knows I exist.
    I just have spaz attacks sometimes thinking about how girls I know met their husbands or fiances by my age… I even have a step-aunt who hasn’t met anyone yet. I love her, and I think she’ll end up with someone someday, but my personality is so much like her that I just might end up like her.

  48. amy says:

    This was quite refreshing and encouraging.thank you. My only addendum might by to change the sentence in final paragraph to read, “Marriage is one of the greatest blessings.” It is not THE greatest blessing. Otherwise as a 46 year old single woman passionate for Christ and living life to the fullest, this was VERY encouraging!

  49. will kirk says:

    First o singleness is not a gift it is punishment. I have been single my whole life and it does not seem like a gift. It has made me bitter and hard hearted. l know what I did to deserve this punishment but it does not make it any easier.

    • gigi says:

      Will I wish you were here in London for a amazing singleness conference where our pastor was breaking the spirit of singleness of people as well as spirit of delay! It is God’s will you get married. But there is alot of wrong teaching going on in the churches God said it is not good for man to be alone he also said 2 are better than one. Please the same thing you commented on here tell God everything man can not help you only God get your bible and speak to God pour out your complaints before him. I will copy and paste on decent article on singleness thanks also to Ruthie Dean for penning this blog and allowing people to be honest I will get married on August 28 after much suffering

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  1. [...] how to answer the very tough question of “Why are you still single?”  when I found this wonderful post from Ruthie Dean, about “What if I never get married?”.  She’s someone I already know I’ll want to keep on [...]

  2. […] author of Real Men Don’t Text with her husband Michael, recently wrote about the (Link): feared call of singleness, advising “if you are married, it’s never a good idea to tell someone single that they […]



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