What if I Never Get Married? The Feared Call of Singleness
“If God calls me to singleness, I’m not answering,” my sister said to me.
I remember when a well-meaning woman told me rather callously I needed to stop ‘being boy crazy’ and know that God might never give me a husband. Can we stop telling people they might be called to singleness?
After my post, All the Single Ladies: Where have all the men gone? I received several emails, comments, and messages–but many circling around this question: What if I never meet anyone and stay single? What if singleness is God’s plan for me?
Many will disagree, but if you are married, it’s never a good idea to tell someone single that they might never meet someone. That God might call them to ‘singleness’ as if he also might call them to endure cancer. {Because singleness does feel like cancer to many!}
Is it the truth? Yes. Sometimes God asks women and men to remain single for the purpose of glorifying him in their singleness. For me, it feels callous and lacking compassion to tell someone that their worst case scenario might come true. Yes, marriage might not be in the cards. But it’s important to speak the truth in love, and I believe we are missing the truth we desire to communicate.
Let me explain. A mother learns she’s pregnant for the first time. She and her husband are ecstatic and start telling people when the baby is just 4 weeks old. You pull her aside in her elation and inform her, “Just so you know…your child may die before reaching kindergarten. That may be God’s plan. So don’t place all your hope in the life inside you.”
Is it true? Absolutely. Some children tragically, especially in early stages of pregnancy. Might it be God’s plan? Yes. You can find scripture to back it up. (David and Bathsheba’s child didn’t survive despite fervent prayer and fasting). Should the mother not place all her hope in the life inside her stomach? 100%. Anything we place all our hope in besides Christ will let us down. But even if your statement represents truth, communicated in a careless way it can be damaging. Same with this ‘God calling you to singleness’ truth that is creeping up in Christian circles recently. Truth? Possibly. Helpful? No.
I suggest we communicate the truth in a different light. Instead of dwelling on or telling someone that “God may call you to singleness”–which is always the exception not the norm–what if we talked about contentment and trusting God with the future?
I don’t want to give false hope. Not everyone reading this post will find a spouse, just like none of us are guaranteed a job or kids or even a long life. While God promises to give us the desires of our hearts, he is not Santa Claus.
Truths about Singleness:
Singleness is always an exception, not a norm. If you look at Bible as a whole, the main verse people use to discuss this call to singleness is 1 Corinthians 7. But did you know Paul was writing during a time of great distress? There was a famine in Greece and great persecution. Some scholars say Paul was writing of a temporary exception to marriage because of the circumstances.
God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. This doesn’t translate into ‘right now’, but He’ll either give you a husband or change your desire.
For most of my readers, His answer is yes, but not right now. We have to WAIT for His best. Don’t start dating that guy!
Statistically speaking, you are more likely to get divorced than never get married. For the sake of your heart and the future of your children, choose wisely!
God is a good Dad, who is longing to bless us in the midst of trials. His plan often includes long periods of waiting and seasons of confusion and doubt–but it always ends with being face to face with the Savior who died for us.
Marriage does not solve all your problems. A spouse cannot and will not complete you. There will always be idols competing for your heart. False Gods promising to save.
I pray you continue to love mercy and walk with God whether or not a husband is on the horizon. Marriage is the greatest blessing. But you don’t want to do this with the wrong person.
What are your thoughts on the singleness epidemic occurring in Christian circles? Is singleness the norm or the exception? How have you dealt with your singleness?
If you liked this post, you may also like:
- (Don’t be) Satisfied with Singleness
- 40 and Single | One Man’s Story
- Fool-Proof Your Marriage | What are Your Rules?
- Recalculating and God’s Plans
Great post, I very much needed to hear this today! I am in the annoying situation of knowing I am not ready for marriage yet, yet being fed up of my singleness and that it may last forever.
I think singleness is the exception, as God did create us with the desire for a spouse. And yet I know many godly men and women who are in their thirties and are still single (and not by choice). It doesn’t seem to make sense!
I agree, L! A lot of the waiting in our lives don’t seem to make a lick of sense. Have you ever caught yourself saying to God…”If I was God, I would do things differently”. It’s so easy for me to put my human expectations of what is best on the God of the Universe–when clearly His ways and thoughts are higher than ours.
Continue to trust Him during this difficult time. He hears you–He knows how much you want to be married. I am praying for you now!
Anyone else resonate with what L shared?
Yep I definitely can relate. A lot of my friends are married and even though I tell myself I don’t want to be married and act like it doesn’t matter, truthfully it does. Because then when you get discouraged and lonely I have been known to date “that guy” that I know i shouldn’t be hanging out with. Then in turn feel guilty for not trusting God. Then I begin the process again with waiting and praying for God to fill this void. It’s a vicious cycle sometimes.
i am one of those ‘called to singleness’ and there is nothing more disheartening than to have well meaning acquaintances or relatives comment on me being married. i have tried different sayings – i’d rather be single than wish i was (this worked well on my aunt, who has 9 children, only two of them that have not had major marriage troubles) and my husband’s wife hasn’t died yet. Or even…it is my choice i am single (to further explore than, i am sure if i went further from home, there would be someone who would marry a mennonite girl who cooks). So thank you for standing up for me. (i am 54)
Hi Marianne! I’m thrilled you’ve found contentment in singleness. Praise God for your faith! Thanks for sharing and for your great comments on my blog. Appreciate you!
Do you have any single friends your age? I’m curious if it has been a struggle to find peers who aren’t running off to kids soccer games or planning the next PTA meeting. What has it been like to remain single–have your friends and community changed?
Thank you for this refreshing take on singleness. I am a 31 year-old woman who is dealing with the mixed feelings of being single. At times I relish the freedom that comes from not having to “answer to someone”, however at other times I admit that the loneliness seems almost too much to bear. I have several unwed friends but over the years that number has gotten smaller and smaller. Sometimes I wonder, has God forgotten about me? It seems as though marriage and relationships come so easily for others, but for me it has been quite the challenge. As much as I try to be patient and wait on God’s timing, lately it has gotten harder and harder. However, in spite of the sadness that I may face at times, I know that I must remain faithful and continue to praise and thank God! You are right to remind us that God wants us to have the desires of our hearts; for me (in this moment), my desire is for a husband and children. Thank you for sharing such an inspiring and positive message. I definitely needed it today
It is so hard to understand why God puts us in the situations He does. Continue to praise Him in the valleys! God has not forgotten you. Glad you were encouraged today.
So well written and so thoughtful my dear! I am so thankful for you in my life. I was single until 29 and struggled with it often. Contentment is such a hard think to let God work in you before and after marriage.
Ah yes…contentment. So glad God brought us together! Thankful for you every.single.day.
Precious, just precious! Ruthie, I went to SMU and knew Michael through Wesley. I’m so glad we are (were?) Facebook friends so that the day came where I clicked on a link to your blog! I have read so many of your entries and you are truly a gifted writer. This post in particular spoke volumes to my heart. My 28th birthday is next week and I continue to pray for a heart and mindset like Paul’s in Ephesians 4:12. Thank you for the abundant encouragement! I am praying for you all too!
I agree, people can be well-meaning but unthinking in their comments to singles. I remember being told that perhaps God may be calling me to singleness by a couple who were anguished in their struggle to become pregnant. I would never have intimated to them that perhaps God’s plan for them did not include children. God chooses our journey and we draw closer to Him in the process and learn to trust that whatever He chooses is good and will transform us more and more into His image. No other person can know what His plan for us includes and should therefore not speculate on our behalf.
Amen, Michael! Those comments are never helpful, are they? It’s best to walk beside each other, carry one another’s burdens, and speak the truth in love when necessary. Thanks for sharing!
I still remember once at sunday school, one elder lady was telling a story of a dear sister who has been single for almost 20 years before she finally married, while me being the only single in the room, I said I wouldn’t go to sunday school again… 20 years seems to be so long to me, what if God called me to be single for 20 years??!! I agree that even what we say may be true, how we said it matters way more than we can imagine. Being single is not a curse, though it may not always have sunshine in lives, I’ve experienced a lot blessings to have single sisters and be prepared for marriage during singleness. Thanks for writing this to remind speaking truth in love and with compassion!
I remember you telling me this story:) Yeah, who wants to hear about someone who had to wait 20 years for a husband?! Not me! I’m glad you found my post resonated. I’ve seen God radically change you over the past five years–and it started with your dating life. Praise Him for redeeming us!
I love this. love love love this. Thank you. Singleness isn’t a bad thing. We can all serve God in our own ways. I think we should be encouraged in our singleness… to hold out for a relationship that will build God and breed growth in that relationship, to serve in our singlesness, and to bring about the Church of God the best way we can WHILE we are single. It sucks. I’m not gonna lie. But it doesn’t always suck and there is good in there. So thank you for standing up for us single ladies
We appreciate the encouragement more than you will ever know!
Your honesty is refreshing, Diana. I still remember those hard seasons of wondering whether or not God had anyone for me. Keep waiting for the right man and praying God will give you strength. Glad you were encouraged. Thanks for sharing your heart.
This paragraph was exactly what I needed to hear!! “God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. This doesn’t translate into ‘right now’, but He’ll either give you a husband or change your desire.” Since I was young, the desire of my heart has been to be a wife and a mom. I am working on the desire for a husband to not become an idol in my life. I want God to be number one, first and foremost. I love what you said about God giving a husband or taking away the desire. That will be a great comfort during this tome of waiting! I am in a single ladies bible study and I will definitely be sharing this blog post with them. Thank you for your words of truth!
Glad the post resonated with you. Thanks for sharing it with your Bible study. It can be so hard to wait, can’t it? Keep leaning on Christ during the times of longing–He will sustain you.
Beautifully and perfectly stated! I had a women ask me recently if I was ok with being single? As if it was a choice. Luckily I have humor on my side and just smiled. But the above is so true and no matter how hard I pray for God to take the desire of marriage away it just gets stronger!!! Ashley thanks for recomending I read this!!!
Yes, I’m sure the woman was well-intentioned–but it hurts, I know. It’s good to have a sense of humor and give each other grace. I wouldn’t pray for God to take the desire for marriage away–pray for His will! Don’t assume He doesn’t want you to be married just because you’ve waited for longer than you’d like. Continue to pour yourself into serving Him and pray, pray, pray that if He has a husband for you–then He will prepare you and Him to serve together!
Ruthie, I believe you have struck a nerve in me that I couldn’t put my finger on. Sadly, I have been that married girl who has told single friends that they may in-fact be called to singleness. Ugh. Even paired with “but God knows the desires of your heart”- this news is depressing. True but depressing. I played the martyr (victim) for so long in my marriage and I think that the negative, “suck-it-up” attitude still persists in me. That God wants us to suffer through life not enjoying things we desire is just not true. When you’re in a dark place, it’s easy to believe that. Thank you for reminding me that joy is found not in circumstances or marital status but in trusting a loving God.
Hi Danelle! Thanks for sharing. It’s easy to lack compassion, isn’t it? I’ve been hurt by and hurt others by “suck it up”, “get over it”, “stop complaining” messages. The truth is God never promises to make our lives easy (in fact following Christ means taking up your Cross–or your instrument of death)–but He does promise to never leave us & do everything for our future blessing. I spent too long thinking of God as a cruel taskmasker, when he instructs us to call him Abba Father and husband!
I just want to say THANK YOU Ruthie. I am so grateful for this blog as it blesses my heart every time I read it! I definitely thought I would be married and a mom to a few by now…but God had different plans. I love this quote, “God’s vision is different from our daydreams.” It’s true. God’s vision for our lives may not look like we thought it would…but there is so much to learn; so much life to be lived; so much to experience. I don’t want to miss the joy in THIS SEASON of my life because I’m longing so much for the next season. It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis.
As a single Christian girl, I hear the most ridiculous statements from well meaning friends, family and church members. My older sister struggled with infertility for many years and experienced much of the same thing. Now, as a mama, she refuses to make those statements to women currently struggling with this. Like, “just stop thinking about it and you will get pregnant!” I feel the same way about being single. If I do get married, there are so many things that I will never say to the single people God places in my life. I love your thoughts on this. Thanks for being an incredible blessing to me!
Wow, Abby. I’m honored by your comments. Thank you for encouraging me!
Glad the blog is blessing you. Praise God for not giving up on me when I told him “no” for 5 years about writing:) He kept insisting and I finally said yes! What a merciful God we serve.
He knows your pain & struggles—continue to lean on Him during your singleness and ask how you can experience joy even in the midst of wanting marriage.
My roommate and I had a conversation on this topic just last week. We realized that both of us had been lying to ourselves, and other people about our desire to marry. We had convinced ourselves, our familes and our community that we were called to be single because it seemed easier than dealing with the potential hurt. I also realized that I believed the lie, that being single was better. I thought that it was the only way I could do Kingdom work. It is interesting, because I do ministry with many married couples and the wife does just as much Kingdom work. I don’t know what the future holds but these past few weeks have included a lot of processing with close friends trying to figure out what the Lord wants for me, not what I think he wants.
Love that you were finally able to be honest with yourself and with God. Numbing our hearts is never what God intends–truly! It’s less painful just to ignore our desires, but God wants us to lean on Him in the midst of unmet wants and unmet expectations.
I grew up in a church by the name of King’s Park International Church, Many years ago, I attended a yearly church conference for college students called Campus Harvest (it’s fantastic, I would go again and recommend it to anyone). This particular year, there was a seminar that I believe had to do with dating, singleness, and marriage. One of the speakers was Jim Lafoon, an amazing pastor, who is prophetic like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t remember a whole lot from it, I mean lets be honest it was 3+ years ago – but there is one thing he said that I’ll NEVER forget. He said if you are AFRAID God has called you to single-hood, then you haven’t been.
I can’t begin to say how much relief that statement brought me!!! (I’m the girl guys look at, flirt with, but literally next door to never ask out. Never in middle school (class of ’98), high school (class of ’03), nor thus far at my university (class of ’12 or 13 (life started out great in college and then I was railroaded multiple times byt it))). I’ve had 2 boyfriends both of whom I met online (will never go there again), was engaged to the 2nd (he broke it off in a text a couple years ago). Trying to surrender my love life completely to God while I get on with the purpose He has for my life.
Hi Heather! Thanks for sharing your story. We are never supposed to live in fear of the future. Keep surrendering & don’t give up!
This is a tough topic for me as I have never been married and have dated very little. (I am 51) yet I have so many people tell me that ‘God will give me the desires of my heart’ and that I need to learn to be content. Sometimes it just hits you in the face and you start to question ‘what is in my life that is not pleasing to God or what needs to change so that God will bless me in this area’
Then you look around, I attend a very large church and the number of available men is very slim… where are the ‘real men’ these days. I really stuggle with this as I have never felt that I was called to singleness but feel that I have been left here.
In one of your earlier post, you asked the question about the circle of friends getting smaller.. it is very small. All my friends are way older than me and retired and the only thing that draws us together is the need of company so you try and find something that you have in common.
Kathleen, I cannot imagine the pain of watching friend after friend get married and not having the chance yourself. Know this: God sees you & knows your desires. Remember when the Virgin Mary found out she was pregnant? She said, “I will praise the God WHO SEES ME.” I love that image of God.
Hi–thanks for your thoughtful blog. It convicted me a little that maybe I’ve “given up” on getting married–and that’s not a very faith-ful or healthy attitude. On the other hand, I think we do set ourselves up for failure when we make marriage the “chief blessing” of being a Christian–there’s so much more! What about leading someone to Christ? What about the joy of a unified body of all kinds of people? What about being God’s hands and feet of love to orphans? It seems silly when you step back to spend so much agony over one missing experience or relationship.
Although I know it will get harder for me as I age if I don’t get married. I try to treasure examples like Lilias Trotter and a friend in her 60s who went to the mission field in her 20s, single and with polio! She’s now retired and I asked her if she’d ever consider dating. She told me she had to lay her singleness on the altar to God and try to hold IT with an open hand!!
I don’t know–I want to be balanced, but what really happens is I go in cycles of contentment vs. discontentment–and throughout I always still have romantic desires. But lately it doesn’t feel like my most desperate need. More desperate is the sense of need for the Spirit’s work in my life and seeing Jesus’ kingdom realized.
Anyway, a bit of a different perspective, for what it’s worth.
Thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtfulness in dealing with this subject. I do agree that if you are called to singleness, that will be your desire. If you are desiring marriage keep believing God for your mate but in the mean time, keep your focus on the Lord and what He has for you to do in the present.
You’re welcome! I tried to tread lightly, because I know it’s a sensitive subject. Thanks for reading!!
Thank you Ruthie for posting this little narrative. I’m a 28 yr old man. I really have only met the Lord in my life last November. And life has took on a totally different direction. I currently attend a young man’s (Catholic) Christian Bible Study every Tuesday and I attend an interdenominational Charismatic Gathering on Sundays. I honestly really join it for the worship songs. They are just great!
I’ve recently gone through two (inconclusive) revelations that I might be called to a life of singleness. My current thoughts right now are “I don’t want to be alone in life. Why would God do this? I know the Lord is always with me, but I have always deeply desired and envisioned that He would eventually lead me to someone. I desire small kisses, long phone calls, children, a family, etc. I desire a partner to be with and to share companionship. This is my DEEPEST desire.” I haven’t been in a relationship in years. I just can’t wrap my head around being single for my entire life.
Kindly pray for me. I have been opening myself up to God’s specific plan for me up until now, and now all I see is a huge brick wall. I’m just so angry, bitter, and resentful with Him. His plan is totally OPPOSITE from my deepest desire! I know this is mean and un-Christian for me to say, but a part of me just feels like He is so selfish. I thought if anything, He would fill my deepest desires. This is the probably the hardest struggle I have ever gone up against. I don’t want to be angry at God. I guess I just thought that it would be in the works for me to be with someone.
I’ll pray for the humility and patience to accept that God can change my desire.
Any prayers or comments would greatly be appreciated.
I am so glad I found your site. I was going through one of my “when will it be my turn?” moments and was sitting around googling topics on singleness. Your site came up, and I have already been blessed. I have been blessed with so many earthly accomplishments, but my heart still feels such a void because of my desire to be married. I am almost 40 and never imagined that I would be single at this point in my life. Some days are really good and others are utterly depressing and sad. I want to be happy and content on my singleness; it’s just that somedays it seems more like a curse than a blessing. I have signed up for your updates, so I look forward to more inspiration. God bless you.
Hi Sherell,
I’m thrilled you found my site. Wow. I love hearing stories of what people were searching when they stumbled upon my site. You don’t know how many stories I hear of women searching “singleness”–you are not alone. It’s incredibly painful when our plans don’t line up with God’s and were left wondering when it will be our turn. I write about singleness often so I pray you will continue to be inspired.
bless you, dear sister!
Then you’ve got the spinster woman who is so bereft over her situation, she’ll tell you, “Don’t be so greedy!! You have already been married”. Well, that was like a ten foot pole over the head.
Loved your post! I started to write a reply, but it got REALLY long… b/c I’m me… and then it became it’s own blog response… http://staceytuttle.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/what-if-i-never-get-married/ . I mentioned the other extreme and equally really unhealthy reply – the “Don’t worry, God’s got someone for you” false promise reply.
I hope anyone reading my post will do as I suggested and read yours too! I resonate so much with the comments here as well. I know there is a worse loneliness than being single, and I know God is in control…etc. But what I know and what I feel aren’t always in agreement. Unfortunately, so many times it’s tempting to let sadness rule and to wallow in being “unchosen” and “unwanted”, left out and left behind – no matter how ridiculously untrue those things may be. I appreciate everyone’s willingness to start with such honesty…but fierce commitment to end up by choosing to believe what is TRUE, noble, lovely, etc. (because of Jesus) over their feelings. The battle to do so really is a fierce and relentless one. Battle on, my fellow single warriors!
Wow! Where to start?
One little verse that I keep coming back to is Jesus’ own words in Matthew 19:12: “Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”
“…who can” Two little words with a lot of implication about being single!
Still single at 43, I have _really_ struggled with it, and started a website (waitingforintimacy.com) as a way of collecting my thoughts on this issue, and hopefully serve as an encouragement to other singles–they’re not alone!
Excellent post (and love this blog too!)
Greg
I’m 64 and still single. I don’t think I regretted it. Perhaps the right man did not came along yet? Or I must have missed him ? At 23 I became the head of the family as my father died. I did have some boyfriends but none proposed or not really that serious. But I have no regrets. Then my mother retired so I am sole wage earner. In the Philippines, it’s difficult to be the lone wage earner. I feel getting married may pose several problems. Then there’s my brother who needed schooling and so on… Perhaps if it is really the Lord’s will to get married or remained single? But right now, I’m just happy having a personal relationship with Jesus. Whether he wants me to get married or not, I am happy until He return. God Bless you for your encouraging column.