You’re Not the Problem—He Is | Signs of Emotional Abuse
For one friend it looked like her boyfriend loved her so much he wanted to know where she was at all times. For another, a kind man who just wanted to take stress off his girlfriend (asking her to quit her job & stay home). For yet another friend, her relationship seemed to change her personality—she didn’t like to dance or enjoy time with friends anymore. These relationships all turned out to be characterized by emotional abuse.
If the statistics are true, 35% of women have been in emotionally abusive relationships —but it’s generally quite difficult to pinpoint because the abusers are good manipulators (i.e. they tend to smooth over their bad behavior and make you believe it’s your fault). I want us to talk about emotional abuse—define it and look at some warning signs—in hopes that you will be able to stand strong and not suffer through one of these volatile relationships.
Emotional Abuse is defined as behavior and language designed to degrade or humiliate someone by attacking their self-value or personality. “Emotional abuse is a form of abuse where a person treats another in a psychologically harmful way. It is a silencing attack on the self-esteem of a human being: in the end the victim feels so small that there is no talk-back possible.” (Emotional Abuse, The Silencing Enemy). Several studies have found that up to 35 percent of women have been in romantic relationships that were emotionally abusive, and that such abuse was the greatest risk factor for and predictor of physical abuse (Women’s Health).
Signs you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:
- Makes you feel nervous or like you’re “walking on eggshells.”
- Asks you to change jobs or careers, or even quit a job, because he wants you home (i.e. to control you)
- Is extremely jealous and accuses you of flirting with other men and lashes out when you have a simple conversation.
- Constantly needs to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing (i.e. even time with girlfriends is monitored closely as if you are a his child)
- Puts you down, calls you names or criticizes you.
- Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right or blames me for problems.
- Makes you feel like no one else would want you.
- Threatens to hurt you, your friends or family—but then says he was just ‘overreacting’.
- He checks your cell phone or email without permission.
- You have changed your lifestyle, personality, hobbies and/or job because he asked you to.
What emotional abuse sounds like:
“You shouldn’t spend so much on clothes, you don’t have a good figure anyways.” “Why are you always disrespecting me in public and flirting with other men.” ”Don’t complain about how bad you have it, do you think any one else could date you?” “One of these days you’ll wake up, and I’ll be gone.” ”You don’t know the first thing about finances.” “You are such a b%&*—it’s a wonder I put up with you.” “I want you to stay home, so I can keep an eye on you.”
Arguably, the most detrimental aspect of emotional abuse is women who are being emotionally abused feel trapped, and they tend to internalize their partners abuse. They believe if they change how they behave, speak, dress, socialize, and work, then their partner will stop criticizing them or flying into rages. As a result, women in these types of relationships gradually lose their identities. (Women’s Health).
If you find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly thinking about how to avoid upsetting your significant other and believing it’s all your fault—I encourage you to take the steps to talk to trusted friend or counselor about abuse. He wants you to think that you are the problem—but I hope you find an ounce of courage to talk to someone today. You deserve more, so much more, and I pray you know how deeply you are loved. I can’t say much about my history with this subject, but I understand what you are going through and I promise it won’t be easy to cut ties, but I also promise you’ll never regret it.
Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? How did you get out? How would you advise someone going through emotional abuse?
{Disclaimer: women can be emotional abusers just as easily as men, but since most of my readers are women, I decided to focus on just one aspect of abuse.}
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I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years from ages 15-19. I became pregnant before I knew how bad it was, obviously i didn’t know the signs at that age {neither did my mom, she never experienced it} I stayed in it because we had a baby but through God’s calling and strength, Christina Aguilera’s Stripped CD and some strategically placed people in my life, I was able realize I was worth more and I gained the courage to break it off. It was hard and for about 6 months he didn’t want to accept it and tried to make my life a living hell. I didn’t let him. He hasn’t changed. He’s not around and its better that way.
I want to write my story on my blog but I just can’t get it done, for some reason i’m a little scared. But i just shared part of my story here, so maybe this is a step in the process.
Oh Jimmie, I can’t imagine all that you’ve gone through. You are truly courageous for sharing your story with us. Praying God’s peace and strength over you…
I too have tried to blog about my experiences or even write it all down but I can’t seem to put it all down. Something always stops me. But yes replying to post like this is a step forward!!!
When I was 14-18 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. (And I have one with my mother but that’s a different story). I dated basically the first guy that showed any interest in me in high school and stayed with him. At the time I truly thought all the things that went wrong were my fault. He raped me because I said no and he wanted to, he was mean to me when I was trying to be funny and I hurt his feelings (unknowingly until the sudden rage), he caused strife between me and my mother because I was spending too much time with him, I alienated myself from my friends to be around him. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of because of that relationship.
I should have ended things the summer between sophomore and junior year of high school because that’s when I found out he was cybering with another girl that we had become friends with through an anime website. He told me that I was being irrational and that he wasn’t cheating, yet arranging for her to come to California to see him. The day that I found out that he was encouraging her crush, I was at his house with his family and his relatives from Idaho. He showed me a song on his phone that I liked and after he went to play a game with his cousin I went to his phone to find the song. I tried to boot out of the inbox before going to the music but the phone didn’t have an exit option. And I saw texts with my name, with messages that I didn’t say saying I love you, I miss you, and a couple other things that was totally inappropriate of me.
Should I have ended it there? Yes. Did I? No. I foolishly thought for the next 2 years that if I change and keep asking him to not cyber (not stop talking to her) things would be okay. Even after I broke it off with him we had a class together (I started community college) and every time I saw him he’d try and rub it in my face about how hot girls were and the such.
If God didn’t let me get out of that relationship when I did I never would have met my current boyfriend who brought me to Christ. Things aren’t perfect, but he treats me the way I should and I’m very grateful for that.
Maggie–oh. my. goodness. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s beautiful how God can bring beauty from ashes, isn’t it? Everything you’ve gone through is absolutely devastating. Thankful to be able to call you sister. He’s a good Dad, isn’t He?
I have been through two but the each were so different I didn’t notice until late into the relationships. My first was a four year relationship tht started my Senior year in college. The first year was actually really great so I thought, there was drinking but he wa 23 and I jut alloyed it to be 20 something and partying, but he would cry himself to sleep most nights over hurts from his child hood, I learned he had been suicidal before we met by everyone telling me how great I was for him. After that first year he would get mad if I was late because of being out with a friend, I was too fat. If I brought up his drinking he would bring up my love of potatoes. Silly as that may sound it always turne into a fight, but we were at “his house” so we had to fight by “his rules” I tried breaking it off several times but to no success I was afraid HE would break, why if I caused him to go over that edge. In the end of our third year he grabbed the back of my shirt to pull me back in the room we were fighting in, we were both shocked by the aggression and broke up with him a month or so later to which his response was ” we need to keep fighting to get along” , what it took to break it up was seeing my best friend being treated similarly by her boyfriend. My co workers had been praying for an end to our relationship.
2 weeks after we broke up I met the man I almost married. He was nicer then the first guy, he wasn’t a mean drunk an didn’t make me fill bad. He told me how amazing I was in so many way an he told other people too… But he didn’t call me his girlfriend for 6 months. We moved in together at about 9 months. I would log on to the computer only to fin him checking out single sites. I would call him on it only for him to turn it around on me that “it’s always the person doing the accusing that is doing something wrong” or ” I was looking for a girl for so and so” this progressed over te years. We split after 3 years, 2 months before our wedding. Thank God!
I went through counseling and fell in love with God and have over the last few years started being more aware of what is happening around me. It’s hard to her other women’s say “I would need stay I. A relationship like that” but until you have been there you can’t know what you will do. I hope that by reading your blog post anyone in this place will find the strength to leave!!!
Ps I typed this on my phone so please excuse errora
Should say senior year off highschool, really was typing away really fast on my break. Sorry.
Jessica,
Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s truly heartbreaking to hear stories like yours–and I honestly can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. It is interesting that you went through two abusive relationships that were very different from each other–so you “didn’t notice until late in the relationships” that they were abusive. I think that is the hardest part about abusive relationships is that every single one looks different–and most people on the exterior have no idea the abuse is even happening.
I LOVE that you said you “fell in love with God”–what was that like? How did it happen?
“How did it happen?” It was a long road. Even as a child I was seeking God. My parents were not Christians but would let me go to church with friends. In Jr. High my parents even sent me to several youth camps! But I fell away in high school. So the second relationship liste above ended like I said two months before our wedding. We were casually going to a local church with good friends of ours. When my heart broke I started going to church regularly. The people in my church picked me up. They hugged me and loved me when I showed up on their door steps crying. They prayed for me. They talked about God’s purpose for me. It still took some time. My heart was mending and my life was liking fuller than ever. There were a few changes happening at work and one day at a church prayer meeting. I walked out to a text with answer I was praying for! Huge step! Almost a year after my world came crashing down on Easter Sunday 2010. This is the short version, maybe someday I will put it all down.
Ruthie, thank you for this blog and your heart that you share with all of us!
I deleted a sentence. I was baptized on Easter Sunday!
What a beautiful story, Jessica! Praise God for capturing your heart. You are HIS, dear sister! Thank you so much for sharing. I love when people share on the blog, because I want us all to learn from each other.
Ruthie,
Thank you for this post. Please pray for my mom who is still in an abusive relationship.
Thank you.
Oh Ana. Of course I will. Thanks for sharing. Anyone else witness a loved one stuck in an abusive relationship?
I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship for about four months and three weeks… Strange how the number 4 appears quite a bit in everyone’s story.
My ex was also a great man at the begining, called me beautiful all the time, told me how much he loved me everyday and although he didnt have much he would cook for me, want to spend time with me and etc. I thought I must have been the luckiest gal in the world… What favor God has had on me. Withing a month he was talking marraige and meeting my family (yes, I quickly got overwhelmed).
Anyhow I just thought this is it, as a Christian I always thought I would date for a year or less, get engaged and withing two years max I would be married to whomever it is that would date.
But as the weeks pilled on, he slowly started changing, very gradually… I did not realise unti I was actually annoyed with his attitude. My ex boyfriend would quote scripture about how we are weak and God understands, he actually almost led me to sexual sin. He would also pass comments like I am stupid, I dont listen, I am bossy. I actually started believing him.
I think the second time he called me stupid, I looked him straight in the eye and said, “you do not ever call me stupid, what the heck is wrong with you?”. He changed the subject and made a comment about how that was not what he meant. Then the demands to know where I was, when I was coming to see him (he barely came to visit me) and how as a girlfriend i should do this and that.
When I read Maggie’s comments I thought of a time where he “force-kissed” me. I had had it with the excuse of “What I want to do I do not do, and what I do not want to do I do” so I said that kissing needs to be off the table for us because it leads us to want to do me that just kiss. He clearly was not impressed with that. But that day when he force kissed me because he wanted to kiss me and he missed me (forget your convictions young lady, we ae doing what I want to do), I realised that if I married this man he would rape me too… If for whatever reason he want to have sex and I either couldnt (period) or whatever, there is a high chance that I would be forced to have sex because he wnats to… it was all about him. My body was his property, he would touch me inappropriately and when I voiced my concerns, he would play innocent and make it seem like I was over reacting, I let him treat me like a piece of meat sometimes.
Dont get me wrong, being led does not exempt me from the choices I made to follow and I am equally to blame for the choices I made in the relationship as much as he is responsible for his actions.
I was convinced, lol, convinced maybe I was actually over reacting.
But the Spirit in me would not rest. I got to a point where everytime I thought of him, I would get upset and repulsed… :O (this is actually the first time I admit that). I got mad, I was a daughter of the Most High and I “deserve” to be treated like one.
So after 3 attempts at breaking up with him to no success (its not over until he says its over), I sucked up the courage and told him to his face that I am not happy and I am walking out of the relationship, with or without his consent.
That my fellow survivors was the most liberating day for me in just over 3 months. I broke all ties with him and knew that I deserve better.
My road to recovery has not been smooth though, I find myself looking back and wondering “why?”, I have also found myself looking for love in the wrong places, attention, affirmation, something. Its a constant war not to choose wrong, because he, if the guy in the church treated me worse than the guys in the world, what guarantee do I have. I have to keep fighting to believe rhat my Prince is coming and as I wait on God, I will be preparing myself to be the Queen he has been looking for.
As for now, I am still a working progress, I have fallen a few times and dusting myself up and waking again has not been easy, and I have felt far from God and wondered if I have treated Him with the most profanity that I have become unforgiveable… But “today, as I hear His voice, may I not harden my heart”.
Love,
Lily
Oh Lily. Thank you for sharing your story with me and with my readers. I’m saddened by all that you’ve endured and want to give this man a piece of my mind–disgusting! Please cling to this sentence you wrote: “was a daughter of the Most High and I “deserve” to be treated like one.” It’s beautiful and full of truth. How easily we believe the lie that we are only worth the number of men pursuing us or telling us we’re beautiful. Praise God you found the courage to walk away! What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone in a similar situation?
Reading your response to reading my comment made me think of times where my ex would treat me like meat. And at the time when it was happening there would be times where I went along with it and liked it, but a lot of times I didn’t like it and felt the same. That I was a piece of meat…It really is hard thinking of those times especially now that I have been a believer for a while now. It makes me wish that I never said yes to him on that day back in 2006.
Oh dear. I hate hearing that. But don’t forget who you are–a daughter of the Most High King–and no man can take that away.
I meant do more than just kiss in the 6th paragraph.
I few mistakes here and there. I apologise for that.
(My apologies for the book below, haha)
I too have been in this situation – 4 years too long… and he still has a hold on me!
I was 16 and he was 16 years my senior. He should have known better; but instead he prayed on my weakened spirit and low self-esteem. I too turned my back on all my friends to devote my time and heart to this man. He showed me attention I so craved and didn’t get at home. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear but in the quite of the night threatened to harm me if I ever left, saying “If I can’t have you, no one can!” He beat me down with his words until I felt like I was worthless and when I fought back with my words, he fought back with is fists (or elbow, or whatever was easiest). For so long I never thought of leaving, never felt as though I deserved more or better.
That changed with the birth of our first daughter. I wanted something better for her. I didn’t want her to grow up and think that THIS was how she was supposed to be treated. I tried a few times over the next two years to leave; running out of places to hide I felt stuck. Finally after our second daughter was born I left one morning while he was at work; I moved in with my sister who lived an 1 1/2 away and he didn’t know where… so we were gone.
Over the next few years he came to visit the girls here and there and when he wasn’t visiting them he was stalking me at night, sometimes breaking in during the day and hiding in my closet at night while I slept (the girls confirmed this years later… he told them). The girls got to an age where I was comfortable (or as comfortable as I’d ever be) to send them to him for the weekend and that went on (on and off) over the next 8 years or so. He had his moments where he chose to be difficult (i.e. making false report to children & youth service, accusing me of not being a good mom, etc.) but overall things went well.
Two years ago, he landed himself in prison (once again) and was there for the last two years. I took the girls to see him when we could, even when he was released to a half-way house back in May or June. Over the two month period in which I took the girls up twice to see him, he had the audacity to think we could get back together (ugh… the thought makes me nauseous). I clearly, and as politely as a I could, informed him that it would NEVER happen, EVER. Since then he refuses to speak to me at all. Friending his children on FB was his go-to way of communicating with them. My youngest declined to accept, as she’s never really been that close to him; however my oldest (always a daddy’s girl) accepted quickly.
He took this opportunity to bad mouth me, saying he was going to take me to court, and he tried to sway her into thinking she should come live with him. She began to avoid responding, not knowing what to say and fearing his reaction. Over a week’s period with no response from her, he was angry. Speaking to her degradingly and saying he was going to start a new family if that’s what she wanted…thus saying Good-bye… he Unfriended and Blocked her on FB. That was about two months ago now and he just a few days ago he tried to “re-Friend” both girls (his birthday was the next day). Niether girl has accepted and aren’t sure if they want to see him again.
I’m not even sure if I can legally keep them from him at this point (we have no court-ordered agreement) but I refuse to make them if they don’t want to. I’m terrified as to what he may do in his rage induced state. I can’t sleep at night, I worry all day long; I’m scared, angry, and confused. I love God and pray often, but am hurt and frustrated that he allows the situation to continue. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I feel very broken and alone. I pray my girls remain strong through this, and should something happen to me that they be well cared for in my absence.
Prayers of support are appreciated.
And PLEASE if you are in a similar situation, RUN before it is too late!! Many prayers and blessings to all of you!
Oh Amanda. I don’t even know what to say…I can’t imagine your pain. You are SO BRAVE to share your story with us! Your courage is inspiring. May God be with you!
Praying for you and your sweet girls!
One of my friends recently went through this situation. I want to add in – “threatens to cut/hurt/kill himself depending on your actions” which is another form of maniuplation that is becoming more and more common.
so glad you added this one, Lou. Definitely not ok if someone you are dating is manipulating your actions with threats to hurt himself.
I have a huge concern. I have been serpated from my husband now for almost 2 months now. We seperated beacuse of his contant mood swings and anger at God and others and myself. We have been to marriage counseling several time and talked with pastors from many churches, his parents, etc. We have been a part of small groups and prayer meetings, but nothing seem to ever change anything. I am concerned because I have been to a professional counselor and I asked her if she would be able to tell if I had been in an emotinally abusive marriage or not. She DIDN”T RESPOND! haha. I was so surprised!! She never really ever answered that question at all! So i don’t know where to go to find out if have in fact been emotionally abused or not by this man…especially since my counselor, who is a ‘professional’ can’t tell me
. Here are a few examples of things I have experienced with him:
-Saying ‘well maybe I will just leave you. You’ll just wake up one morning and I’ll be gone”
-He has suicidal thoughts
-Acts one way in front of others and another when we are alone at home
-Says “it’s our relationship…our relationship is no body elses buisiness…it’s our marriage don’t your agree?”
-Makes my sister put a t-shirt on over her swimming suit when we go swimming with my family, because of ‘her swimming suit’. Makes me ask her to put one on.
-Not being able to talk on the phone at home to friends, because he is always listening in on my conversations
-Is jealous of me even when I talk with my old friends who are girls, or with friends in church who are older men and women.
-He has even been jealous of my pet cat at my moms house
-He has to make all of major decisions.
-Not allowed to say any encouraging things to guys at all
-He would claim that I was sinning against God if I didn’t have sex with him.
-Tells me he has been hurting for years. Then when I say how sorry i am that he has been hurting for so long (in a later conversation) he says ‘what do you mean I have been hurting for a long time?” … …
-I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
-He has mood swings from being calm, simple, to crying frantically, confussed about life, and yelling at God and me.
-He seems to be depressed, but after he has going to a counselor, he is still not diagnosed with anything! He went to a psychiatrist and was given a perscription for depression and anxiety, but the guy spent 10 min. with him and never told my husband what he was diagnost with…(sigh)
When I finally seperated from him; I had tension head aches. Mini nightmares before being able to fall asleep, was shaky, and had trouble sleeping altogether
Any insight would be helpful…If you have any suggestions on where to really find out if I have been emotionally abused and can be helped through this, please share. ..
Thank you for your time,
Blessings,
I am currently in a relationship which I suspect is emotionally abusive. I need help because I’ve been researching this topic lately and certain aspects apply to my relationship, but others don’t and I just don’t know what to do. Here it goes…
We have been together for almost 3 years. After less than a year he convinced me to move in with him. I did not want to at the time, but thought it would be good to get the experience of living out of my parents home. At first everything was good and it wasn’t really until this last year or so that I’ve been noticing red flags. One of my good friends does not like him because she said he is too controlling. Since they do not get along I have not talked to her for a long time. At the time he would talk negatively about her and say she was a bad friend for this reason or that. My sister does not like him either saying he is childish and annoying with a bad attitude. I would never choose him over my sister. I love my sister more than anyone in the whole world.
I feel like everything I’m saying points to the obvious that this relationship isn’t good, but I feel stuck because if we break up then he will have no where to live and I still really care about him. The past few months we have been happy with little to no arguments.
Here is more info on his behavior. He calls me when on break at work and expects me to do the same. He gives me a few tasks to do while he is at work and if they aren’t done he isn’t happy. But sometimes he is actually okay with it. I never know what kind of reaction to get. I speak my mind and try to stand up for myself. Since I am able to do this with no negative consequences it lead me to believe that maybe the ‘emotional abuse’ is minimal and not done purposely but because I do not always speak my mind.
Big things he has done which disturb me. Threw my cat hard because he was angry at it, dumped cold water on me while I was in the shower, repeatedly flushed the toilet while I was in the shower making the water scalding hot, multiple times he got out of the car while we were arguing and refused to get back in the car. This isn’t everyday occurrences, but the fact that they happened at all bothers me. No one knows about that stuff happening.
My feelings about the relationship- We talked about breaking up. I went into it believing that breaking up was the best thing to do for myself and my future, but as we were talking I felt guilty because I don’t want to hurt him or leave him with no place for him to go. I tried thinking only of myself, but I just can’t do that.
Oh I hate hearing this. GET OUT! Seriously. He is abusive and it will only get worse. He isn’t your responsibility, but your heart is. Please get out of this relationship, dear sister.
This hurts my heart to hear…just prayed for you.