You’re Not the Problem—He Is | Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse

For one friend it looked like her boyfriend loved her so much he wanted to know where she was at all times. For another, a kind man who just wanted to take stress off his girlfriend (asking her to quit her job & stay home). For yet another friend, her relationship seemed to change her personality—she didn’t like to dance or enjoy time with friends anymore. These relationships all turned out to be characterized by emotional abuse.

If the statistics are true, 35% of women have been in emotionally abusive relationships —but it’s generally quite difficult to pinpoint because the abusers are good manipulators (i.e. they tend to smooth over their bad behavior and make you believe it’s your fault).   I want us to talk about emotional abuse—define it and look at some warning signs—in hopes that you will be able to stand strong and not suffer through one of these volatile relationships.

Emotional Abuse is defined as behavior and language designed to degrade or humiliate someone by attacking their self-value or personality. “Emotional abuse is a form of abuse where a person treats another in a psychologically harmful way. It is a silencing attack on the self-esteem of a human being: in the end the victim feels so small that there is no talk-back possible.” (Emotional Abuse, The Silencing Enemy). Several studies have found that up to 35 percent of women have been in romantic relationships that were emotionally abusive, and that such abuse was the greatest risk factor for and predictor of physical abuse (Women’s Health).

Signs you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:

  1.  Makes you feel nervous or like you’re “walking on eggshells.”
  2.  Asks you to change jobs or careers, or even quit a job, because he wants you home (i.e. to control you)
  3.  Is extremely jealous and accuses you of flirting with other men and lashes out when you have a simple conversation.
  4.  Constantly needs to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing (i.e. even time with girlfriends is monitored closely as if you are a his child)
  5. Puts you down, calls you names or criticizes you.
  6. Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right or blames me for problems.
  7. Makes you feel like no one else would want you.
  8. Threatens to hurt you, your friends or family—but then says he was just ‘overreacting’.
  9. He checks your cell phone or email without permission.
  10. You have changed your lifestyle, personality, hobbies and/or job because he asked you to.

What emotional abuse sounds like:

“You shouldn’t spend so much on clothes, you don’t have a good figure anyways.”
 “Why are you always disrespecting me in public and flirting with other men.” “Don’t complain about how bad you have it, do you think any one else could date you?” “One of these days you’ll wake up, and I’ll be gone.”
 “You don’t know the first thing about finances.” “You are such a b%&*—it’s a wonder I put up with you.” “I want you to stay home, so I can keep an eye on you.”

Arguably, the most detrimental aspect of emotional abuse is women who are being emotionally abused feel trapped, and they tend to internalize their partners abuse. They believe if they change how they behave, speak, dress, socialize, and work, then their partner will stop criticizing them or flying into rages. As a result, women in these types of relationships gradually lose their identities. (Women’s Health).

If you find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly thinking about how to avoid upsetting your significant other and believing it’s all your fault—I encourage you to take the steps to talk to trusted friend or counselor about abuse. He wants you to think that you are the problem—but I hope you find an ounce of courage to talk to someone today. You deserve more, so much more, and I pray you know how deeply you are loved. I can’t say much about my history with this subject, but I understand what you are going through and I promise it won’t be easy to cut ties, but I also promise you’ll never regret it.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? How did you get out? How would you advise someone going through emotional abuse?

{Disclaimer: women can be emotional abusers just as easily as men, but since most of my readers are women, I decided to focus on just one aspect of abuse.}

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Comments
96 Responses to “You’re Not the Problem—He Is | Signs of Emotional Abuse”
  1. jimmie lee says:

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years from ages 15-19. I became pregnant before I knew how bad it was, obviously i didn’t know the signs at that age {neither did my mom, she never experienced it} I stayed in it because we had a baby but through God’s calling and strength, Christina Aguilera’s Stripped CD and some strategically placed people in my life, I was able realize I was worth more and I gained the courage to break it off. It was hard and for about 6 months he didn’t want to accept it and tried to make my life a living hell. I didn’t let him. He hasn’t changed. He’s not around and its better that way.
    I want to write my story on my blog but I just can’t get it done, for some reason i’m a little scared. But i just shared part of my story here, so maybe this is a step in the process.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Oh Jimmie, I can’t imagine all that you’ve gone through. You are truly courageous for sharing your story with us. Praying God’s peace and strength over you…

    • Jessica says:

      I too have tried to blog about my experiences or even write it all down but I can’t seem to put it all down. Something always stops me. But yes replying to post like this is a step forward!!!

    • tracy says:

      I just realized i have been in an emotionally abusive relationship the past year…maybe not as extreme as som cases but seemed bad to me….i. ended the relationship for many reasons just a few wks ago and still emotionally sufferibg….but he and his mom live in the same house they both have anxiety depression problems they take meds for..they r constantly goung through some sort of drama and arguing then she tries to contl him and it works…he drives her car and chas to get permission toc me which is once a wk ths,t she lets him..he’s 32..hi neverknow what’s going to set him off and when it does there’s np reasoning with him..then the next day he always apilogizes and then it repeats again sometime within the next few days usually…he won’t moveout of there even tho he knows if he did his life wahave a lot less stress
      I thot things would improve in the yr we were in a relationship…he would sincerely say he was going to get a better job move and. b on his own…he just never done it…he works but.not motivated to make his life better…now I’m lefy with this feeling of being btrayed by him because of his false promises..
      i ended it by saying we were friends and if the situation changed msyb we could pursue a relationship in future and because of his emotiobal instabi iflity h called and cried had hisesster text etc…i was nice and wanted to keep an open line of communication betwee..nn me and him…but now he is givin

  2. Maggie says:

    When I was 14-18 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. (And I have one with my mother but that’s a different story). I dated basically the first guy that showed any interest in me in high school and stayed with him. At the time I truly thought all the things that went wrong were my fault. He raped me because I said no and he wanted to, he was mean to me when I was trying to be funny and I hurt his feelings (unknowingly until the sudden rage), he caused strife between me and my mother because I was spending too much time with him, I alienated myself from my friends to be around him. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of because of that relationship.

    I should have ended things the summer between sophomore and junior year of high school because that’s when I found out he was cybering with another girl that we had become friends with through an anime website. He told me that I was being irrational and that he wasn’t cheating, yet arranging for her to come to California to see him. The day that I found out that he was encouraging her crush, I was at his house with his family and his relatives from Idaho. He showed me a song on his phone that I liked and after he went to play a game with his cousin I went to his phone to find the song. I tried to boot out of the inbox before going to the music but the phone didn’t have an exit option. And I saw texts with my name, with messages that I didn’t say saying I love you, I miss you, and a couple other things that was totally inappropriate of me.

    Should I have ended it there? Yes. Did I? No. I foolishly thought for the next 2 years that if I change and keep asking him to not cyber (not stop talking to her) things would be okay. Even after I broke it off with him we had a class together (I started community college) and every time I saw him he’d try and rub it in my face about how hot girls were and the such.

    If God didn’t let me get out of that relationship when I did I never would have met my current boyfriend who brought me to Christ. Things aren’t perfect, but he treats me the way I should and I’m very grateful for that.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Maggie–oh. my. goodness. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s beautiful how God can bring beauty from ashes, isn’t it? Everything you’ve gone through is absolutely devastating. Thankful to be able to call you sister. He’s a good Dad, isn’t He?

  3. Jessica says:

    I have been through two but the each were so different I didn’t notice until late into the relationships. My first was a four year relationship tht started my Senior year in college. The first year was actually really great so I thought, there was drinking but he wa 23 and I jut alloyed it to be 20 something and partying, but he would cry himself to sleep most nights over hurts from his child hood, I learned he had been suicidal before we met by everyone telling me how great I was for him. After that first year he would get mad if I was late because of being out with a friend, I was too fat. If I brought up his drinking he would bring up my love of potatoes. Silly as that may sound it always turne into a fight, but we were at “his house” so we had to fight by “his rules” I tried breaking it off several times but to no success I was afraid HE would break, why if I caused him to go over that edge. In the end of our third year he grabbed the back of my shirt to pull me back in the room we were fighting in, we were both shocked by the aggression and broke up with him a month or so later to which his response was ” we need to keep fighting to get along” , what it took to break it up was seeing my best friend being treated similarly by her boyfriend. My co workers had been praying for an end to our relationship.

    2 weeks after we broke up I met the man I almost married. He was nicer then the first guy, he wasn’t a mean drunk an didn’t make me fill bad. He told me how amazing I was in so many way an he told other people too… But he didn’t call me his girlfriend for 6 months. We moved in together at about 9 months. I would log on to the computer only to fin him checking out single sites. I would call him on it only for him to turn it around on me that “it’s always the person doing the accusing that is doing something wrong” or ” I was looking for a girl for so and so” this progressed over te years. We split after 3 years, 2 months before our wedding. Thank God!

    I went through counseling and fell in love with God and have over the last few years started being more aware of what is happening around me. It’s hard to her other women’s say “I would need stay I. A relationship like that” but until you have been there you can’t know what you will do. I hope that by reading your blog post anyone in this place will find the strength to leave!!!

    • Jessica says:

      Ps I typed this on my phone so please excuse errora

    • Jessica says:

      Should say senior year off highschool, really was typing away really fast on my break. Sorry.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Jessica,

      Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s truly heartbreaking to hear stories like yours–and I honestly can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. It is interesting that you went through two abusive relationships that were very different from each other–so you “didn’t notice until late in the relationships” that they were abusive. I think that is the hardest part about abusive relationships is that every single one looks different–and most people on the exterior have no idea the abuse is even happening.

      I LOVE that you said you “fell in love with God”–what was that like? How did it happen?

      • Jessica says:

        “How did it happen?” It was a long road. Even as a child I was seeking God. My parents were not Christians but would let me go to church with friends. In Jr. High my parents even sent me to several youth camps! But I fell away in high school. So the second relationship liste above ended like I said two months before our wedding. We were casually going to a local church with good friends of ours. When my heart broke I started going to church regularly. The people in my church picked me up. They hugged me and loved me when I showed up on their door steps crying. They prayed for me. They talked about God’s purpose for me. It still took some time. My heart was mending and my life was liking fuller than ever. There were a few changes happening at work and one day at a church prayer meeting. I walked out to a text with answer I was praying for! Huge step! Almost a year after my world came crashing down on Easter Sunday 2010. This is the short version, maybe someday I will put it all down.

        Ruthie, thank you for this blog and your heart that you share with all of us!

        • Jessica says:

          I deleted a sentence. I was baptized on Easter Sunday!

        • Ruthie Dean says:

          What a beautiful story, Jessica! Praise God for capturing your heart. You are HIS, dear sister! Thank you so much for sharing. I love when people share on the blog, because I want us all to learn from each other.

      • Denise says:

        I have been in a an is ice relationship for thirty five years,trying to raise my children I it I started having mental problems,he calls me names and never have anything to say to me at home but when we get to work he wants to talk I can’t have any friends I can’t go anywhere alone ,it was making me sick I start to think everything was wrong with me ,then I realize it is all the bad things he say to me when I had surgery in two thousand for a female problem he told me it was something like cancer,and he curse me out and told me to get out ,but now I hate him I ask god to forgive me but I hate his guts

  4. Ana says:

    Ruthie,
    Thank you for this post. Please pray for my mom who is still in an abusive relationship.
    Thank you.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Oh Ana. Of course I will. Thanks for sharing. Anyone else witness a loved one stuck in an abusive relationship?

  5. Lily says:

    I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship for about four months and three weeks… Strange how the number 4 appears quite a bit in everyone’s story.

    My ex was also a great man at the begining, called me beautiful all the time, told me how much he loved me everyday and although he didnt have much he would cook for me, want to spend time with me and etc. I thought I must have been the luckiest gal in the world… What favor God has had on me. Withing a month he was talking marraige and meeting my family (yes, I quickly got overwhelmed).

    Anyhow I just thought this is it, as a Christian I always thought I would date for a year or less, get engaged and withing two years max I would be married to whomever it is that would date.

    But as the weeks pilled on, he slowly started changing, very gradually… I did not realise unti I was actually annoyed with his attitude. My ex boyfriend would quote scripture about how we are weak and God understands, he actually almost led me to sexual sin. He would also pass comments like I am stupid, I dont listen, I am bossy. I actually started believing him.

    I think the second time he called me stupid, I looked him straight in the eye and said, “you do not ever call me stupid, what the heck is wrong with you?”. He changed the subject and made a comment about how that was not what he meant. Then the demands to know where I was, when I was coming to see him (he barely came to visit me) and how as a girlfriend i should do this and that.

    When I read Maggie’s comments I thought of a time where he “force-kissed” me. I had had it with the excuse of “What I want to do I do not do, and what I do not want to do I do” so I said that kissing needs to be off the table for us because it leads us to want to do me that just kiss. He clearly was not impressed with that. But that day when he force kissed me because he wanted to kiss me and he missed me (forget your convictions young lady, we ae doing what I want to do), I realised that if I married this man he would rape me too… If for whatever reason he want to have sex and I either couldnt (period) or whatever, there is a high chance that I would be forced to have sex because he wnats to… it was all about him. My body was his property, he would touch me inappropriately and when I voiced my concerns, he would play innocent and make it seem like I was over reacting, I let him treat me like a piece of meat sometimes.

    Dont get me wrong, being led does not exempt me from the choices I made to follow and I am equally to blame for the choices I made in the relationship as much as he is responsible for his actions.

    I was convinced, lol, convinced maybe I was actually over reacting.

    But the Spirit in me would not rest. I got to a point where everytime I thought of him, I would get upset and repulsed… :O (this is actually the first time I admit that). I got mad, I was a daughter of the Most High and I “deserve” to be treated like one.

    So after 3 attempts at breaking up with him to no success (its not over until he says its over), I sucked up the courage and told him to his face that I am not happy and I am walking out of the relationship, with or without his consent.

    That my fellow survivors was the most liberating day for me in just over 3 months. I broke all ties with him and knew that I deserve better.

    My road to recovery has not been smooth though, I find myself looking back and wondering “why?”, I have also found myself looking for love in the wrong places, attention, affirmation, something. Its a constant war not to choose wrong, because he, if the guy in the church treated me worse than the guys in the world, what guarantee do I have. I have to keep fighting to believe rhat my Prince is coming and as I wait on God, I will be preparing myself to be the Queen he has been looking for.

    As for now, I am still a working progress, I have fallen a few times and dusting myself up and waking again has not been easy, and I have felt far from God and wondered if I have treated Him with the most profanity that I have become unforgiveable… But “today, as I hear His voice, may I not harden my heart”.

    Love,
    Lily

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Oh Lily. Thank you for sharing your story with me and with my readers. I’m saddened by all that you’ve endured and want to give this man a piece of my mind–disgusting! Please cling to this sentence you wrote: “was a daughter of the Most High and I “deserve” to be treated like one.” It’s beautiful and full of truth. How easily we believe the lie that we are only worth the number of men pursuing us or telling us we’re beautiful. Praise God you found the courage to walk away! What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone in a similar situation?

    • Maggie says:

      Reading your response to reading my comment made me think of times where my ex would treat me like meat. And at the time when it was happening there would be times where I went along with it and liked it, but a lot of times I didn’t like it and felt the same. That I was a piece of meat…It really is hard thinking of those times especially now that I have been a believer for a while now. It makes me wish that I never said yes to him on that day back in 2006.

      • Ruthie Dean says:

        Oh dear. I hate hearing that. But don’t forget who you are–a daughter of the Most High King–and no man can take that away.

  6. Lily says:

    I meant do more than just kiss in the 6th paragraph.

    I few mistakes here and there. I apologise for that.

  7. Amanda says:

    (My apologies for the book below, haha)

    I too have been in this situation – 4 years too long… and he still has a hold on me! :(

    I was 16 and he was 16 years my senior. He should have known better; but instead he prayed on my weakened spirit and low self-esteem. I too turned my back on all my friends to devote my time and heart to this man. He showed me attention I so craved and didn’t get at home. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear but in the quite of the night threatened to harm me if I ever left, saying “If I can’t have you, no one can!” He beat me down with his words until I felt like I was worthless and when I fought back with my words, he fought back with is fists (or elbow, or whatever was easiest). For so long I never thought of leaving, never felt as though I deserved more or better.

    That changed with the birth of our first daughter. I wanted something better for her. I didn’t want her to grow up and think that THIS was how she was supposed to be treated. I tried a few times over the next two years to leave; running out of places to hide I felt stuck. Finally after our second daughter was born I left one morning while he was at work; I moved in with my sister who lived an 1 1/2 away and he didn’t know where… so we were gone.

    Over the next few years he came to visit the girls here and there and when he wasn’t visiting them he was stalking me at night, sometimes breaking in during the day and hiding in my closet at night while I slept (the girls confirmed this years later… he told them). The girls got to an age where I was comfortable (or as comfortable as I’d ever be) to send them to him for the weekend and that went on (on and off) over the next 8 years or so. He had his moments where he chose to be difficult (i.e. making false report to children & youth service, accusing me of not being a good mom, etc.) but overall things went well.

    Two years ago, he landed himself in prison (once again) and was there for the last two years. I took the girls to see him when we could, even when he was released to a half-way house back in May or June. Over the two month period in which I took the girls up twice to see him, he had the audacity to think we could get back together (ugh… the thought makes me nauseous). I clearly, and as politely as a I could, informed him that it would NEVER happen, EVER. Since then he refuses to speak to me at all. Friending his children on FB was his go-to way of communicating with them. My youngest declined to accept, as she’s never really been that close to him; however my oldest (always a daddy’s girl) accepted quickly.

    He took this opportunity to bad mouth me, saying he was going to take me to court, and he tried to sway her into thinking she should come live with him. She began to avoid responding, not knowing what to say and fearing his reaction. Over a week’s period with no response from her, he was angry. Speaking to her degradingly and saying he was going to start a new family if that’s what she wanted…thus saying Good-bye… he Unfriended and Blocked her on FB. That was about two months ago now and he just a few days ago he tried to “re-Friend” both girls (his birthday was the next day). Niether girl has accepted and aren’t sure if they want to see him again.

    I’m not even sure if I can legally keep them from him at this point (we have no court-ordered agreement) but I refuse to make them if they don’t want to. I’m terrified as to what he may do in his rage induced state. I can’t sleep at night, I worry all day long; I’m scared, angry, and confused. I love God and pray often, but am hurt and frustrated that he allows the situation to continue. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I feel very broken and alone. I pray my girls remain strong through this, and should something happen to me that they be well cared for in my absence.

    Prayers of support are appreciated.

    And PLEASE if you are in a similar situation, RUN before it is too late!! Many prayers and blessings to all of you!

  8. Lou says:

    One of my friends recently went through this situation. I want to add in – “threatens to cut/hurt/kill himself depending on your actions” which is another form of maniuplation that is becoming more and more common.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      so glad you added this one, Lou. Definitely not ok if someone you are dating is manipulating your actions with threats to hurt himself.

  9. Janedoe88 says:

    I have a huge concern. I have been serpated from my husband now for almost 2 months now. We seperated beacuse of his contant mood swings and anger at God and others and myself. We have been to marriage counseling several time and talked with pastors from many churches, his parents, etc. We have been a part of small groups and prayer meetings, but nothing seem to ever change anything. I am concerned because I have been to a professional counselor and I asked her if she would be able to tell if I had been in an emotinally abusive marriage or not. She DIDN”T RESPOND! haha. I was so surprised!! She never really ever answered that question at all! So i don’t know where to go to find out if have in fact been emotionally abused or not by this man…especially since my counselor, who is a ‘professional’ can’t tell me :(. Here are a few examples of things I have experienced with him:

    -Saying ‘well maybe I will just leave you. You’ll just wake up one morning and I’ll be gone”
    -He has suicidal thoughts
    -Acts one way in front of others and another when we are alone at home
    -Says “it’s our relationship…our relationship is no body elses buisiness…it’s our marriage don’t your agree?”
    -Makes my sister put a t-shirt on over her swimming suit when we go swimming with my family, because of ‘her swimming suit’. Makes me ask her to put one on.
    -Not being able to talk on the phone at home to friends, because he is always listening in on my conversations
    -Is jealous of me even when I talk with my old friends who are girls, or with friends in church who are older men and women.
    -He has even been jealous of my pet cat at my moms house
    -He has to make all of major decisions.
    -Not allowed to say any encouraging things to guys at all
    -He would claim that I was sinning against God if I didn’t have sex with him.
    -Tells me he has been hurting for years. Then when I say how sorry i am that he has been hurting for so long (in a later conversation) he says ‘what do you mean I have been hurting for a long time?” … …
    -I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
    -He has mood swings from being calm, simple, to crying frantically, confussed about life, and yelling at God and me.
    -He seems to be depressed, but after he has going to a counselor, he is still not diagnosed with anything! He went to a psychiatrist and was given a perscription for depression and anxiety, but the guy spent 10 min. with him and never told my husband what he was diagnost with…(sigh)

    When I finally seperated from him; I had tension head aches. Mini nightmares before being able to fall asleep, was shaky, and had trouble sleeping altogether

    Any insight would be helpful…If you have any suggestions on where to really find out if I have been emotionally abused and can be helped through this, please share. ..

    Thank you for your time,
    Blessings,

  10. Anonymous says:

    I am currently in a relationship which I suspect is emotionally abusive. I need help because I’ve been researching this topic lately and certain aspects apply to my relationship, but others don’t and I just don’t know what to do. Here it goes…

    We have been together for almost 3 years. After less than a year he convinced me to move in with him. I did not want to at the time, but thought it would be good to get the experience of living out of my parents home. At first everything was good and it wasn’t really until this last year or so that I’ve been noticing red flags. One of my good friends does not like him because she said he is too controlling. Since they do not get along I have not talked to her for a long time. At the time he would talk negatively about her and say she was a bad friend for this reason or that. My sister does not like him either saying he is childish and annoying with a bad attitude. I would never choose him over my sister. I love my sister more than anyone in the whole world.

    I feel like everything I’m saying points to the obvious that this relationship isn’t good, but I feel stuck because if we break up then he will have no where to live and I still really care about him. The past few months we have been happy with little to no arguments.

    Here is more info on his behavior. He calls me when on break at work and expects me to do the same. He gives me a few tasks to do while he is at work and if they aren’t done he isn’t happy. But sometimes he is actually okay with it. I never know what kind of reaction to get. I speak my mind and try to stand up for myself. Since I am able to do this with no negative consequences it lead me to believe that maybe the ‘emotional abuse’ is minimal and not done purposely but because I do not always speak my mind.

    Big things he has done which disturb me. Threw my cat hard because he was angry at it, dumped cold water on me while I was in the shower, repeatedly flushed the toilet while I was in the shower making the water scalding hot, multiple times he got out of the car while we were arguing and refused to get back in the car. This isn’t everyday occurrences, but the fact that they happened at all bothers me. No one knows about that stuff happening.

    My feelings about the relationship- We talked about breaking up. I went into it believing that breaking up was the best thing to do for myself and my future, but as we were talking I felt guilty because I don’t want to hurt him or leave him with no place for him to go. I tried thinking only of myself, but I just can’t do that.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Oh I hate hearing this. GET OUT! Seriously. He is abusive and it will only get worse. He isn’t your responsibility, but your heart is. Please get out of this relationship, dear sister.

      This hurts my heart to hear…just prayed for you.

  11. Peanut01 says:

    I am 23 years old and 12 weeks pregnant. We dated for 9 months, and he always made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I had thought he was just paranoid at first due to an ex “supposedly (I say this because after all Ive been through, I realize he may have been exaggerating or lying) and figured once he realized that I wasnt going to cheat on him he would be more trusting. Well how he felt would constantly changing and he made me feel guilty, as if everything was my fault. He would not let me have a facebook (thought Id talk to other guys), If I made plans he would find a way to sabotage them (make me feel bad or like I seemed like it was to meet up w another guy), he would randomly call and expect me to be ready within the time he said and if not then he would not see me that night (15-20mins usually), hung up on me, I wouldnt tell him what I bought for Christmas and he said if I didnt he was ending things and wanted me to leave, broke things off atleast 1-2 times per month, called me horrible names, told me to quite jobs, wouldnt let me shop while on a business trip for a wk, wouldnt let me do things w friends, one week he would want to hangout alot then the next he would ignore me or even ignored me for days when he would feel like it and went through my phone. I tried to talk to him about it and he seemed to get better for a few wks but then we found out that I was pregnant. At first he was really happy, then told me if I did not get an abortion he wanted out and ended up packing up his things. Well he came back but wanted me to tell 90% of my friends that we couldnt be friends anymore and I had to call them in front of him or he was leaving me and the child. I also had to delete my facebook or he would not see or talk to me until I did so. Then he started calling me horrible names and I decided to end things. He has called me several times crying saying that he will do anything and wont ever do these things again that he wants us to be a family and he realizes what hes done is wrong and will talk to someone etc… But he has said very similar things before and always goes back to his ways, the only thing he was better about was the name calling/comments but the controlling/manipulation and selfishness always finds its way out. I dont think I can nor should ever get back together with him.. Even if part of me cares and we will have a child together. Just wanted to share my story.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave to let us in on a tender place in your life. I pray you can get out of this relationship and find healing.

  12. Kilche Balla says:

    Hi,I just wanted to tell you that I loved this post. It was helpful. Keep on writing of informative post.

  13. tish says:

    Hi all,its the first time I’m able to speak about my stor but the truth is I’m looking for someone to say I am making the right decision,I have decided to leave my marrige to a man I know for ten years and married to for 3years which I have a son with,from the time I have been with him,its been back and forth,he used to pyhsically abuse me at first but hen its 9years of long hard cruel heartless words I have put up with,from name calling to degrading,to accusationss contiously over and aover,I have reached the point where I can’t take it anymore and just want out and peace,he has promised that hed changed but within me I know its not the truth and he will always find somtinnew to accuse me of,I’ve actually become the one that physically hits him because I can’t stand what he says to me,he njoys seeing me going into a rage and having a fit about what he says to me,I can’t sit and be quiet it will be I’m thinking of another man,I can’t say I’m tired or want to go to bed it means I don’t want to be intimate with him,when he is intimate with me he has said many times it does not feel right I was with another ma,he slps with me like I’m a hoe and just does anything with thinking how it makes me feel,he wants to know where I am all the time,checks my phone and even wants me to leave work, besides all that he makes up his own scenarios to say I’ve been doing things while he is away at work on the weekends, he also has accuse me timelously ofhaving his friends,my own friens,his cousins,my own cousis boyfriends,he has aways found something new or someone new to pick on,now that I have had enough he doesn’t want to let me out of this,cause he feels I have stuck it out so long what’s so hard for me to forgive him now,says it can’t be cos of all the things he has done there must be somr other reason behind it,what hurts me the most is that we never looked at what we were putting my little boy through all this time,I’m living with my mum currently and need to make a decison about whow to move forward,we have seeked professional help for him which he has been to twice and doesn’t want to go back,I can’t do this anymore yet I still fell bad and guitly for wanting out….

    • amy says:

      Hey Tish..

      That it’s almost exactly the same relationship I’m trying to get out of now. He is constantly accusing me of having affairs.. Makes up all these scenarios that are totally absurd but they all have to do with cheating. Calls me horrible names mostly whore, bitch, slut… Says I’m the one who makes him act this way… Smells my dirty laundry to see if I’ve cheated on him… Threatens to leave me for other women… Doesn’t want me to spend time with my family… Gets jealous if I’m with my nephews… I’m just so tired of him promising he will change and then doesn’t it is getting worse and worse… The crazy thing is that he’s the only one who had made me feel so wanted and beautiful that’s the only good thing about him that he does. He always tells me how pretty I am but then he will Rollin it by advising me off stuff. He tells me it’s BC e lives me so much and I don’t realize how men are and he tells me even if a guy talks to me just saying hi it’s because he wants to have sec with me. So basically this relationship is turning into a love hate. Because I do love him but I’m starting to hate him for what he does to me. Please any advice would really help. Someone’s I do feel like I won’t find anyone better which sounds crazy but I do think like that sometimes.

  14. Kindhearts says:

    I was with an emotionally abusive man for two years- he was very heavy into drug use and alcohol, and no matter how many times I’ve tried to help him, it failed. It makes me laugh now that I thought my love and support would be enough…nope!

    I was accused of multiple affairs (and on a monthly basis- sometimes weekly. He would accuse me of wearing more makeup for somebody else, going over to another man’s house when I went over to my parents house) I was called very nasty names, he threatened to hurt/kill himself if I left, he also threatened ME that he was going to tell the police that I assaulted him if I ever called them (something that isn’t true- I have never struck him even though he has done it to me) One time I tried to leave him, he walked (no car) to the nearest store and called me on a payphone telling me to “stop trying to act tough and come pick me up, you [insert bad name here]”

    Sometimes he would get angry at me when he was driving and purposely speed up and act like he was going to crash the car (going 100km in a 60km zone) and when I begged and cried for him to slow down, he would say things like “I’m the f**king man in this relationship, you don’t tell me what to do”. So many more things I could say he did to me, but it makes me very upset to think about…in fact, nobody REALLY knows how badly he has hurt me. I haven’t admitted everything he has done yet, I’m planning on seeing a counselor soon so I can talk about this. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Depression? Anger? Trauma?

    I look back on it now and realize how damaged I am from that…nobody and I mean NOBODY ever deserves to be treated this way. I used to be one of those girls that think this will never happen to me! Wrong. It can happen to anybody! I realize how fragile I am and how easily I let him come into my life and basically control it for two years and I am sure he wasn’t sober half our relationship anyway. It’s a sick feeling.

    How I got out? Well, after having to move back home (because I had no where to go), I ignored every single phone call he made. He eventually gave up calling me after I gave him no intention of ever speaking to him again. Boy that was hard, it took almost a month to get him to stop.

  15. Anika says:

    Hi I’m 20 and after I got pregant I felt like my life was over because im in a emotional abusive relationship with a guy I real love and it’s our first BBY I’m due aug 20 2013 I jus hope he changes sumtimes ion b knowing Wat to do when he gets emotional abusive wit me I b scared sum times but I pray and pray

  16. Distraught Mom says:

    I believe my married daughter is in an Emotionally Abusive relationship. He is a manipulator and controller. He has moved her far away from all of us in her family. He undermines everything she was taught and valued growing up – is superior to what her “ignorant parents” taught her. And the worst thing is watching her NOT see it yet. She thinks his intense attention is love and affection, not obsessive control.
    I feel so helpless. And I fear I am watching her drift further and further away.
    I am committing it to prayer, and asking the Lord to work miracles. But I must admit it overwhelms me some days beyond belief. The tears just flow.
    Thank you for this source of comfort and encouragement. And thank you for the example of all who have gone before and been brave enough to share.

  17. Emily says:

    Thank you for this post. I was also in a relationship like this….like so many girls, unfortunately. The first night I hung out with him we kissed and he said I don’t kiss a girl unless I think I’ll marry her….the first night! Talk about thinking you’re serious when you aren’t. He started talking about engagement and marriage 5 months after knowing each other, but not 5 months of dating. We met in October 2010 but started dating in February and he said he was saving up for an engagement ring. I later learned he probably said that to make me think we were more serious than we actually were and to keep me in the relationship.

    We broke up 7 times in a year and a half…he used scripture to persuade me to get involved in sexual sin…he said I see us as married in my eyes so it’s ok for us to do this. Like this post says, I constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells and that anything I said or did would make him mad. He was constantly jealous and getting mad over everything. It was so emotionally exhausting. BUT…God used that relationship to bring me home to Himself….He saved me through that relationship. That guy invited me to church with him and I learned about Jesus and God’s love for us and made the decision in July 2011 to stop living for myself and start living for God. That relationship was one of the hardest things I ever went through but God used it for the greatest thing ever….to bring me to Jesus! That guy and I broke up March 2012 and I haven’t dated anyone since…not because I won’t ever date anyone. I can’t wait to date and marry a strong godly man one day, but I’ve just been using this time to grow in my walk with God. He truly does use bad things and turns them into wonderful things. Part of me is thankful I did experience so I hopefully never will again, having learned what that relationship is like. And I am so thankful God pulled me from that relationship and closed the door on it. :)

  18. Emma says:

    After reading this I realised my last relationship was probably an emotional abusive one.Sadly I did not realise it at the time. When he was sweet he was very sweet but his comments could also be extremely hurtful. The thing that constantly comes into my mind is the fact that he said I was not beautiful, and not as beautiful as his girlfriend should be. He also made me feel like noone else would want me. I have a medical condition which mean sex is sometimes painful. He would say i was lucky he was patient because no other guy would put up with not having sex every day. He was particularly mean when he was drunk, spitting on me, calling me names. We lived together and if he came home drunk i would lie in bed and pray that he wouldnt wake me up to have sex, which he always did because i was not allowed to say no to him.
    My behaviour changed alot when i was with him. I spoke to my friends less as he accused me of being unable to be alone. I had to be careful not to embarrass him in front of his friends. I changed what I ate becoming very careful not to put on weight. He would get crossed if i didnt dress the way he liked, saying i looked shit sometimes.
    its been a year since we broke up. He has a new girlfriend but I still cannot let a guy close to me. I have gone on dates but pull away after a certain point. I cannot seem to sake comments he made from my mind.
    on the plus side alot of people have commented on how happy i am without him. I feel alot happier and confident. Hopefully time will heal the rest.

  19. Steph says:

    I have been in two abusive situations which still haunt me.
    My very first ‘love’ (dated for just over a year) had another girlfriend at the end of our relationship. He emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. He then began to stalk me and torment me for the next four years, and also tried to kidnap me. I contacted the police when I gained courage and was told that there was not enough evidence and nothing came of it.

    I then had a friend who was so kind to me for a few years. He was so so over the top nice to me. He also always said how much he hated my ‘first love’ for all he had put me through, and he wanted to see justice done. But the constantly tried to control me as a friend and we would fight all the time. He then started emotionally abusing me, constantly putting me down, lying to me, pointing out all my flaws, that I am NOT a strong person, that I’m this and that. Then apologising profusely.

    I have escaped both situations, and I have an amazing boyfriend now. But why do I still want these two men to know how ‘happy’ I am? Why do I feel like I wasn’t good enough for these two – they’re both ‘happy’ in relationships. What was wrong with me that I copped abuse but these girls seem over the top happy with these men? I am happy in my relationship and I love my boyfriend, but these two have ruined my self esteem. The memories haunt me.

  20. Christina says:

    Sadly but true.. I’am going through one abusive relationship currently and I don’t know how to break it off. I really really loved this man like I loved no other man, but whenever he is mad he says bad things about me, my friends even my PARENTS !! I’m emotionally exhausted now, he tells me to fuck off, bitch, whore, slut any abusive thing that comes to his mouth when he is angry. I’ve told him a zillion times to not say me things or call names when he is mad. He makes issues out of every minor thing that I do even the way I talk, walk, sleep.. every single thing. When it comes to him he gets totally defensive and starts blaming me for my wrong doings instead of looking on to his own mistakes.. I tried breaking up several times but my guilt takes me back to him thinking that I misbehaved with him and did wrong :(

    • Jessica says:

      Christina ,

      I wish I could send you the strength to get out. I will pray you find it. I was there as you can read. At the top of the post. The first abusive relationship I was in (I know scary to say it wasn’t the only one) . He called me horrible names when fighting and. Said hurtful things about my family and friends. They are the kings of guilt. When I finally had enough and broke up with him I will admit I had to do it over the phone at a friends house and I stayed the night with her and drew my strength from not being alone. I should have also turned my phone off. He tried the next day to convince me I was wrong but thankfully I had had it. When you find your strength I really recommend spend ing atleast 6 months to a year alone with yourself and God! It is the only thing that will heal you. I few commend reading “captivating” by Stacci Eldridge along with ” Praying for your future husband” and. Of course “”Real Men Don’t Text” ! After my second. Abusive relationship I dated off and on and almost settled for ok relationships with nice guys but not the right guys. For a year or two but the third year God kept me single and wow did I grow so much. I found this blog, I spent time finding out who I was on my own and when I met my husband. I was actually shocked that a guy could be so kind and loving and. How I would feel being second to God! I promise it is so worth the pain of ripping off that bandaid. God loves you and he has so much more for yor life than you know.. Again I pray you find yor strength and that you see the open door and walk through it into your future , it won’t be easy like so much in life the best things take time and sometimes hurt.

      • Jessica says:

        I can’t remember who wrote “praying for your future husband”. And I am sorry again I am typing on my phone and it auto correct and adds punctuation when I type to fast.

  21. gina says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. I have been trying to figure out if I am in a emotionally abusive relationship and this article including others are confirming it. The last paragraph really is inspiring and i needed to read it … the first step is acknowledging it.

  22. kim says:

    First of all i want to thank kristina for the post she made on how dr khakani helped her in bringing back her lover before christmas.At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted dr khakani and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called kristina and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before christmas.i said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Steve voice.i was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking kristina for posting this early.Dr khakani you are truly a man of your word. He can also solve any kind of problems in this world. Friends you can contact dr khakani on his private Email khakanibestsolutioncentre12@gmail . com or cell phone (+)2348062216903

  23. Anonymous says:

    Wow…. I’ve been married 12 years, 2 kids and I’m with an emotional abusive man. I question myself, who I am, and I am a nervous wreck. My kids are told by him that mommy will be replaced by a better mommy or someone he will pay. My girls are terrified of him and I know I need to leave. I’m afraid because even though I work with CPS, he threatens me with my children. I’m called ugly, worthless, hypocrite, you name it. Then it’s turned around to me like he didn’t say anything. Some days I feel like I’m crazy. He choked me on 2012 and has pushed me before. He will go through the house and find dust and through everything off and say now clean it. I can order take out for us and I’m told I’m a horrible mom because I didn’t cook veggies. I work a very stressful job and I’m not allowed to make descisions on my children or household. My money goes into a joint account and I’m not allowed to use it. We sleep in separate rooms but he forces me to have sex. There is not anything he’s not said. I need prayers and advice on leaving because he will flip out. What’s sad is this man portrays to many a very Godly man in church, but as soon as we get in the car he belittles me and calls me names in front if my girls. So much has happened that I’ve become numb and I’ve forgotten a lot.

  24. Brick Tamland says:

    Well I don’t know about this. I’m a guy, and my wife left me after four years of marriage and first tried to argue that I was being “emotionally abusive” when it later turned out that she was seeing another man behind my back. Whoops. She told her co-workers and mutual acquaintances I was emotionally abusive. We didn’t see eye to eye on issues, but I never once hit or threatened her, or told her she was stupid (in a sincere way and not during a fight) or tried to really belittle her. The biggest fight we had was when she actually wanted to quit her job which we couldn’t afford to pay for things if she did and I told her that if she quit her job I would leave since otherwise it would have ruined us financially. In fact, she actually threatened me on several occasions. But in the end she just kept lying to herself and everyone else and trying to blame me for everything.

    Sometimes it’s emotional abuse, sure, but there are just as many times I think that women will try to cover for themselves and save face by blaming the guy as being abusive or mistreating her, because that’s a lot easier for her to do than to say that she wants to end it just to end it. Likewise there are women out there who will pick a fight to force the man to end the relationship or so they can give themselves a reason to leave.

  25. Sam G says:

    Hello,
    I just stumbled upon this site, and I wanted to share my story. I am so sorry to read what other people have shared, I really am. You are all brave and courageous, I know I am not.
    I was in a friendship with someone for over 8 years or so from University. For many years, I have suffered from Anorexia Nervosa – and hit rock bottom, self harmed, and have had a slow recovery. Anyway, I am rambling, so sorry. Um, I thought this guy, this friend really cared about me, but he always made negative comments, and really made me hate myself. He moved away, but we kept in contact via email. He said he was falling in love with him, and I believed him. It was stupid. Nothing ever happened. He kept telling me he loved me, but he was seeing other women, and was having relationships with them. Even when he was with them, he said he wanted me, even though he was always rude to me. I stopped contacting him.
    A few months later, he contacted me saying he dumped her and was alone, and heartbroken. He acted all nice, then a few weeks found another girl. He tried to sweet talk me and I said no. However I was stupid to fall in love with him. I mean, it is stupid, and yet I could not stop feeling this way.
    A few years ago, he found this girl and his behaviour changed for the worse. He became more aggressive to me, bullying me and making me cry and hate myself. I could not tell anyone, I felt so ashamed. I felt so alone.
    He told me to “have a nice life” and never talk to him. I left it for about 5 months, but I missed him. I think it was because I convinced myself he loved me – stupid right?
    We got in contact again. He told me he wanted me to be happy, and was forcing me to meet people and have sex. I am a virgin and have never had a boyfriend or relationship ever. He was trying to force me into being a lesbian. No matter how many times I said no he would never listen. Anyway, I told him to stop his aggressiveness and to just respect my wishes. He said he would.
    However, he put my details on a dating website, and a picture of me when I was anorexic. We would walk when I was anorexic, and would take pictures of ourselves. He used these pictures and set up this profile. I never even knew about it, until people started ringing my house, knocking at the door, and sending texts etc – it was scary. Men and women contacted me and were very rude, saying hurtful comments from “You are ugly” to “You are fat”.
    From having anorexia, I convinced myself this was true, and they were right, I am fat, ugly, repulsive and unattractive.
    I found out where they all came from, from this particular dating site, and I stumbled upon my details and pictures being used by this guy. I contacted him, and he said I am repulsive.
    Hearing that really hurt me, and I cried myself to sleep for many nights. I could not tell my family – I am so ashamed of myself. I have been stupid, and yet I don’t know why I still have feelings for him. I feel so weak, and I know I am.
    Do you know what the worse thing is? I really want to contact him even now. Even though he has hurt me, why do I still want him in my life? I hate myself.
    I have not self harmed, even though I have wanted to, and I know this is not the same as what many people have written, and I am sorry if you hate me, or think I am weak and useless, and have not suffered the same as you – but I feel so hurt, alone and isolated. I don’t know what to do.
    For anyone reading this, thank you for taking the time to read this – I know its drivel, but I feel so ashamed. I did not deserve to be treated this way, and I am embarrassed with my feelings.

    • Amanda says:

      Oh Sam!! I am so sorry that you feel so unworthy. I too have struggled with self-love. It is this lack of love for yourself that allows you to fool yourself into accepting this kind of treatment. You DO deserve so much better. Whatever it is that you have been through or wrongs you may have done, God loves you SO much. He truly wants you to me happy & treated kindly. The fight with self-loathing is a daily battle, I know I’ve been there and sometimes I still visit this very dark room in my mind. You can overcome it and you DO deserve better.

      Please email me anytime if you’d like to talk ever. (Manda_L_a@yahoo.com). God bless you sweetie!

  26. Steph says:

    I have been in two abusive situations which still haunt me.
    My very first ‘love’ (dated for just over a year) had another girlfriend at the end of our relationship. He emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. He then began to stalk me and torment me for the next four years, and also tried to kidnap me. I contacted the police when I gained courage and was told that there was not enough evidence and nothing came of it.

    I then had a friend who was so kind to me for a few years. He was so so over the top nice to me. He also always said how much he hated my ‘first love’ for all he had put me through, and he wanted to see justice done. But the constantly tried to control me as a friend and we would fight all the time. He then started emotionally abusing me, constantly putting me down, lying to me, pointing out all my flaws, that I am NOT a strong person, that I’m this and that. Then apologising profusely.

    I have escaped both situations, and I have an amazing boyfriend now. But why do I still want these two men to know how ‘happy’ I am? Why do I feel like I wasn’t good enough for these two – they’re both ‘happy’ in relationships. What was wrong with me that I copped abuse but these girls seem over the top happy with these men? I am happy in my relationship and I love my boyfriend, but these two have ruined my self esteem. The memories haunt me.

  27. Arianna says:

    My heart goes out to all the women who have left their stories. <3 I am wondering if emotional abuse can ever take a more subtle form? I find that although my boyfriend doesn't say explicitly mean things to me generally, he often will take a critical rather than supportive stance on things I say/do. On one hand he will say how much he loves me & how beautiful I am etc… but then he will almost willfully neglect to actually do things that i say I like or make me happy. I feel majorly like I'm walking on eggshells… if i don't just go with the flow & do what he wants to do, it will cause trouble or something. I feel like any indication that I am a unique person who is different from him with my own needs etc causes a very defensive response on his part, which makes me feel even worse. If I tell him any of this, he will then say 'we can do whatever i want… 'what do you want to do'… incessantly which makes it feel unnatural and then if I do choose something or just bring something up he'll act like it's annoying or if he does it he will make it miserable for everyone. The worst thing is that even if he has seemed to be the one who 'loved me more' from the beginning, there have been a few times where he has sort of 'broken up' with me out of nowhere and then gotten back together with me right away… maybe he really doesn't want to be with me… but he keeps pursuing me and it seems as if these break ups, as torturing as they are and as real as they feel at the time… it seems they are his way of testing me/controlling me. It's like the constant threat that he will leave keeps me in my place of not getting to have needs or want anything great. Sort of like him saying, 'You mean a lot to me, as long as you do what I want, don't expect too much, and don't cause too much hassle.' Anyway… he often seems like a wonderful man of course… especially around holidays or times he wants me to do particular things with him. The way I feel about myself and my life is so different since i met him a few years ago. I was at the beginning of my career, I felt like a great person… confident and ready for great things. Now I feel like I have to give up every dream I had just to maintain some sort of status quo. It's so weird. Very confused… I'm sure this is a common sentiment, but I never thought I would allow myself to feel like this in a stupid relationship! : )

  28. Michelle says:

    Hi Steph,
    I was just reading through these posts and stumbled across yours which seems to have been posted not too long ago, so i thought i’d comment. The thing you need to remember is that people don’t change and so even though other girls may look “over the moon” happy and in love with them, they are most certainly receiving the same treatment you did in the past. It’s just that on the outside things are never what they seem. You are able to see all the “happy” pictures on facebook but you are not there to witness all the verbal and emotional abuse happening behind closed doors. Of course things are going to look nice and rosy on the outside but i guarantee you that their relationships are no different to what you experienced because abusers will continue the same pattern of behavior no matter who they are with because it’s just how they are unless they can recognize themselves as nasty people and are willing to seek professional help in the hopes that this can improve them as people. However, people who abuse and manipulate others generally tend to be self-absorbed and the thought of bettering themselves for the sake of others would rarely (if ever at all) enter their minds.

    What you need to realize is that it was NEVER a reflection of YOU or something that YOU ever did but rather the way THEY are. If you can identify that they abused you verbally and mentally/emotionally on a regular basis and not just a one off incident, then that indicates a negative pattern of behavior and a sinister element to their personality which would always be present no matter who they’re with. Just be thankful that you got out of it and are now happy with your amazing new boyfriend who treats you how you deserve to be treated and pity the poor girls who a trapped in the emotionally crippling cycle you were once in. Remember all the hurt, pain, anguish you were going through at that time and feel sorry for those poor victims that are now with them going through the same things you went through.

    I truly hope that you realize it wasn’t you and that just because they may seem in love with other girls and the other girls seem happy with them, it’s most certainly not the case. People like that are very selfish in love and this does not change because they have entered a new relationship. It’s who they are.

    Good luck and God bless,
    Michelle.

  29. Michelle says:

    P.S. The best revenge is to live well and be happy ;)

  30. first I would like to send prayer out to all the ladies that endured such horrible things by these SO CALLED MEN! God loves us and has a plan for each and everyone of us.

    well, i don tknow if im in an abusive relationship or not, i have been with this man for 10 years we have 2 kids and have been married for 3 years now. In the beginnning we fell in love. with in the first 2 years he was physically abusive. we both were. then we found god and began changing. we ended up getting married after 5 years and had another child. it was going good but now instead of physically abusing me he does it verbally and emotionally. he doesnt call me names but he would always blame everything on me! every argument it was my fault, he never apologized for anything he does, maybe once every few nonths. I am the one always apologizing and trying to win him back. i have changed i am a sweet woman and i dont do the things i used to do. but he makes me feel horrible. like i cant do anything right, everything i say to him he persives it as disrepectful. he throws scripture at me but doent follow through himself. I dont kjnow what to do anymore. I belive we can fix this but maybe im blind. maybe he doesnt even love me and is just using my weakness as a ride through life.. because I TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING! so how does a woman that has made changes, has an education, alsways kept a job and provides for her family and loves god with all her heart, still get treated like dirt?? we cant even have a conversation anymore. he says things like i hope my kids dont pick a woman like you. (i have 2 sons with him) he wants me to do all the changing, which i have for the better. he just downs me in every way. saying all what I DONT DO! WHEN I DO EVERYTHING! i cant believe this. I am so stressed out now because of everything, im trying not to break down and believe him. I am a strong woman and a good woman, i don t underatand why he is acting like this and thinks its okay?? when he loves god too? someone please help me with advise, i am so confused and we tried consouling before and the pastor even told him a few times what he does isnt right, but he always turns it around on me… I cant take it anymore.
    God bless you all.

  31. Becca says:

    Martinez- it’s not you! Physical and emotional, both are abusive traits. You have been the stronger person, by changing the way you think and control your life! It is not your responsibility to change him! He is weak and feeds off your strength and be careful because he will strip you down emotionally and you will be left with low self esteem. With no disrespect to you, sometimes people that are in an abusive relationships stay and continue thinking that some day they will Change…. Or that we can help, (co-dependent) The odds of that happening is close to null. It’s easier said than done, but you need to walk away….it’s a toxic relationship, and it will trickle down to your children. The cycle of abuise will continue through your children, They will also be in abusive relationships or be the abuser. Don’t try to understand it, by doing that, you will continue to endure it. My best advise to you, is to break the silence…..once you do that, you’re one step closer in building the courage to leave. And as clear as it is day and night when your ready, you will know when it’s time to leave. Prayers to you and your children. And prayers for your husband, as the lesson he will learn will be devastating. But rest assure, once he know he can’t continue to abuse you, he will find ,someone else’ to do continue the cycle with.

    Respectfully – ‘someone else’

  32. Jennifer says:

    me and my husband were fighting and he always tells me i flirt with other men and mentions things that dont exist. the other day we had an argument and and he told me he was going to kill me. then he told me to stay away from him and he left. i feel im this issue.

  33. Namkelo says:

    I was in an emotional,verbal and physical abuse relationship for almost 8 yrs now ‘m 28 yrs old and 7 months pregnant. He use to critisize how i dress when going out in public. Call me names and cheat repeatedly even to family friends daughters. I use to be an outgoing person but for what he was doing i was afraid if ppl wil c wat m going through. Not even once he called my family with name, hit his car bell infrant of my house so i couldnt go out with him. Accuse me of bringing problems to our relationship. One day he beat the hell out of me and call his gf infrant of me….then i keep on holding on thinking he will get into his senses when calm and try to ease his anger. Sometimes i will think dat des something i did wrong because he was good in being defensive even if he is wrong. Finally i got pregnant. I found out after 3 weeks i told him he sounded so supportive and a bit excited all it was a lie. He chat to his ex’s behind my back again n i told him isnt well on me. After 3 months he beat the hell out of me pressing on my wonb. He then left me at his place for a weekend without saying a thing. I was bleeding i took myself to a doctor. And stay for few days @his place he came back and ask me to leave. I went home. I was so pale and sick by that time. My family took care of me and i told them about the pregnancy they were angry coz they knew da person i was dating. After all this months i would as the bf to help out he will say”i didnt sign a contract with your parents to give them money” he will yell then one day i got fed up. I talk back. That was den he told me dat i finally show him my true colours it bothered me but i got over it. He told me about his new gf and da gf will ask if m okay. When i spoke to ex bf that his gf shouldnt talk to me he accuse me of doing that to his gf. Then i saw the gf wearing one of my jewellery bought by the ex bf last year. I kept quiet i’ve got support from my parents m not even ask him anything.

  34. r says:

    Hi all, I feel trapped right now. I need help! I love my boyfriend with all my heart! But he flies into rages when I say I am going to do something he doesn’t want me to do. Smashing his phone up when I said I wanted to go on a girly holiday. He made me deleted my facebook! Hes jelious of the dog! Yes I treat the dog as it was my child as I have none! I feel like I need out! I cant just leave. Im a uk resident! Have no kids, and my pay is not the best! I can’t afford to live alone and my friends are not able to live with me. We currently rent a house! If I had the money in the bank I could get a mortgage, as I have the credit rating. I have looked at place but I got my dog for life not christmas kind of thing. I am not getting rid of him! And thats whats making it harder to get a place. Due to me work I can’t get give a council place. I feel trapped and I dont know how to get out. He is happy as larry now I have deleted my account. he was making out as I speak to his friend who we both work with, he says I was going to do something with him. This person has been my boyfriends friend for years. We just talk about stuff like this. “Get *my bfs name*- to ring me!” Tell him I got that for him. And I asked the one time about a girl who started on me over fb. checked mutal friends and his friend popped up. I didn’t think there was any harm in asking. I see this lad as a friend! But now I avoid him at all costs, in work! I am so hurt! He would say that I would do this to him! I feel like even though he is accusing me, I cant trust him or ask for his support anymore. I feel betrayed and so unhappy. He threw a plate of food at the wall when he made out I was about to cheat? I am so fed up of this. I want to win money or something to just get out of this. I am pretending its all okay! He started acting like this more when hes drunk and he drinks a lot lately. I do say I dont like it or I rather you not just for 1 day. And it all kicks off. I have to watch adult cartoons all night or he acts like a child. He checks my phone and flips if I texted a friend that I am upset. I feel like I am being punished for something I will never do. I hardly see my friends. We dont visit my family but he feels I must visit his. Its making me ill. Lose all my confidence. He kept saying when I was crying, are you crying because you got caught or because your sorry. I said because you think I am someone who would do that to you. He then went mad again. is there a way I can get finacal help to get out of this Situation.

  35. AMaria says:

    Ex- Boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago after I caught him having an affair with my best friend and i insulted him then we broke up. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confused and didn’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony of how a Love Psychic help them to get their ex back so I contacted the Love Psychic and explain my problems to him….. He cast a spell for me and assure me that after one week that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise after 5days my Pedro Alejandro came knocking on my door and begging for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr. John, you are truly talented and gifted. He is the only answer to any relationship problem. He can be of great help to you and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man contact him through his
    Email address ( usuokhaspiritualtemple@gmail.com )
    Whatsapp or Tel: +2348072034149

  36. Marian says:

    My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted Dr. OKORO LOVE SPELL and after I explained my problem, In just 3 days my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier more than ever before Dr. OKORO you are the best spell caster. I really appreciate the love spell you cast for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work. Thank you once again Dr. OKORO. You can also contact Dr. OKORO via email address: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail. com in case you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail. com CONTACT HIM TODAY VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail. com AS HIS POWERS ARE SO STRONG AND VERY EFFECTIVE AND HAS NO BAD EFFECT INSTEAD IT HAVE A VERY GOOD RESULT AFTER CASTING THE SPELL.

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  37. Jason says:

    I am a man and I know what it’s like to be the abuser and to be the abused . Men act like this for a few diff reasons here’s my point of view ! Men have a image of how they want they want their woman the one they are with to be in their head and when they meet u and u hit it off they automatically think that ur the one so they don’t hold back fall Inlove and begin to see that wait hold on u weren’t doing some of these things in the beggining of our relationship n if u were doin some of these things he over looked it becuz he was tryin to win u over ! Men can be very selfish and so can women no ones perfect it’s a working process ppl need to app sayin opposites attract becuz they really don’t u can’t possibly be with some one who’s a party animal and be a home body n be happy in your relationship u have to share the same intrest it’s all about COMMUNICATION if u can’t tell ur man the things he’s doing wrong n how bad it hurts u then that’s more of a problem then the actual problem women have to take responsibility as well relationships are about love giving caring understanding n so much more u don’t get Into a relationship to only worry about how u feel it’s about your partners feelings to that’s what ur with him for !!!! Sit him down n ask him y does he feel that way talk to him not cry ur self to sleep COMMUNICATE men have feelings n ALOTTA times we jus wanna protect the women we love n it often gets confused I’m not perfect but I love my women enuff that no matter how many times I messed up I’m still fighting to get it right becuz I wanna be perfect for US give the man a chance to change n if he doesn’t want too then move on !!!!!! Men have hearts too lady’s !!!!!

    • Gina says:

      Well yeah. But what if when you tell that man that something bothers you he starts cussing at you telling you how sensitive you are, scolding at you for hours, telling tou it was a joke. You get kind of frozen by the reaction and offguard, next time somwthing happens you are affraid because of last reaction so you decide to email or text saying you did not like what just happened, and this time you get a worst cussing, also he starts comparing you to his friends wifes by telling you how much less of a woman you are by raising such a stupid topic and making it a big deal and no woman is like that, on top of that you get home and find a broken present you gave him. Hummmm so tell me you tell me the right way. How about next time you just shut off to not start a big fight because you are freaking scared of how many times you tried to say something and then he just yells at you because you are quiet and you are such a worst person for not saying anything then you try to bring back the past reactions and he tells you you are lying you are just making things up…… After a while you start loosing your mind and reality is so confusing… Then you leave finally…. Well he comes back with all you were hoping were normal reactions, apologizing telling you how wrong they were you go back….. After 3 weeks same pattern, then you start really going crazy who is this person you confront, and then he says, see this is why i cant be with you….. Even though you left and he came back, then he leaves you stay away….. 3 months later he comes back…. Telling you even more wow things, i realize i need therapy im joining church….. You stay strong but it seems so genuine you fall for it….. 3 weeks later when he has you rite there comitted he starts mocking good, forget therapies as a matter of fact he starts recording people on the therapies to make fun of them you then are puzzle what is going on!!!!!!!
      This time you change phone move away but then you still get his messages about how crazy you are and you need mental health!!!!! You even start believing it actually no…. By this time you do need help you have been conned you you are trapped emotionally trapped and have to use so much help so much strenght to not believe anything say anything hear anything because at this point nothing nothing makes sense and u live in fear emotional fear

    • Kela Jones says:

      Wow… My current bf called me 100 hitches in one breath the other night becuz I went out with a few friends. It, to me, was unwarranted, unnecessary and unsolicited… After allowing him to cool down for 18 hrs, I sat him down and ask the necessary question “why”.. after several moments of thinking about it, he finally revealed tht he felt tht I was no longer consistent. He felt as though I wasn’t doing the things in our relationship tht I use to do and it made him feel insecure and angry. He’s right, I have not been very consistent, however, the punishment, in my opinion, didn’t match the crime… If anything bothers me in my relationshipiI quickly address him abt the situation instead of allowing it to fester and manifest into a bitter argument tht will ultimately shift the relationship into resentment nd spite. My point; I shouldn’t have to go to him and ask him why, instead, he should come to me and explain how things tht I’m doing, or not doing, is starting to affect the dynamic of our relationship. Easy fix. My point; I’m responsible for my feelings and actions in our relationship and he us responsible for his. We aren’t mind readers, therefore, as cliche as it sounds; communication is key. If u are an immature man or woman tht is suffering from arrested development, fix tht before u get into relationship with a person. Otherwise, ur ignorance is liable to affect someone emotionly for the rest of their lives and u could ultimately lose the girl/guy tht u thought was ” the one”… If ur being verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusie: the time fir redemption is now, while ur still in the relationship. Grow all the way up and treat ppl the way tht u want to be treated.

  38. scott says:

    sorry but there’s something wrong with this article here what rubbish if your partner is flirting with other men even more so in front of you this should be challenged men have feelings to and if you are doing this kind of thing to your b.f then you have no respect for the relationship in the first place…

    • Angie says:

      I think the point is, emotionally abusive partners are so controlling, possessive and manipulative that they “think” you are flirting when you are not and/or simply accuse you of flirting to control you, or make you feel bad about yourself.

  39. Ashley says:

    I am 30 years old and i need a way out..
    I’m ashamed to say that I have been in an emotionally
    abusive relationship for over 5 years. I have tried to get away.
    I have left several times to stay with parents and even a friend
    for months at a time..but he is so manipulative that It’s impossible
    not to forgive him. It even got physical a few times and I had nowhere to go
    and he knew that! So he kicked me out on the street in the middle of the night.
    I had to sleep in my car. I feel so trapped because he has all the money,
    so I have no other choice but to stay. I’ve tried to work but he’s forced me to quit
    the last 4 jobs I’ve had. I’m also a student, going for my computer programming degree
    but his outbursts have caused me to miss too many classes. He’s going to
    inherit 15 million and he makes 100k at his job but he blows it all gambling on sports!
    And he refuses to pay for my school or any of my meals. It sounds horrible when I type
    it all out. I’m so scared and depressed.. I can’t believe I would allow myself to be put
    through this torture. To top it off our sex life is non existent which means
    he’s cheating on me or simply not attracted to me at anymore. It makes me sick.
    I’m 5’5 and 120lbs and gorgeous but not good enough for him.
    How do I get away?? I need help.

    • Amanda says:

      So sorry that you are going through that. Check out http://www.thehotline.org/ for some tips and resources. At the end of the day though it comes down to you. You have to be willing to walk away. You are worth so much more! God wants so much better for you. Praying you find an escape and the strength to let him go. You can get through this.

    • Confused says:

      I am going through the same thing… I feel useless and scared. But still i am here. I have been with him for 6 years. Live together for two…. He hasn’t been working due to an injury so he is on workers comp. i work full time … I am a teacher… Hust graduated with my second masters degree. Two night ago we got into a huge argument … He tends to get upset very easily… He got upset because he told me to let my mom know to not send anymore food because we are moving to another apt… However my mom gave me food for the week and he went off! He said i dont respect him… Kept telling me to stfu… Thats no surprise everytime he gets upset at me he always curses and yells at me… By this time i am already shivering and blaming myself for accepting the good my mom gave me .. I even called myself stupid… Things got worse i confronted him by telling him that i am
      Tired of his cursing and arguing over small things (last week he argued with me because i did not put his good in a glass tupperware because his always goes on a plastic one). Anyhow… As i confronted him he kept telling tonto stfu… I was so angry!! I got up and then he grabbed me and shoved me to the corner of the living room.. Pulling my ear .. Yelling and cursing… Not letting me go anywhere… Grabbed me by my neck… Im already crying.. Scared.. Telling him to let me go… But hes not … He claims i am
      Not sweet.. Told him he is always so grumpy.. Hes always on the phone .. Told him i saw his account online and hes acting like a single man! He denied it… I ran to the bedroom he shoved me to the corner of the bedroom.. Pointing at my forehead.. Saying u are not going anywhere.. To stare at the wall … Said im a dummy .. A fucking retard… I have two masters and i am still dumb.. That no one is going to tolerate me… That this is y my ex cheated on me.. This is why i wont last… I tried to get away.. He grabbed me and started kissing me… I said no get away u are crazy.. However i felt for it… We had sex… Then when done he says that i didnt listen to him about bringing food from my mom… I was confused!! We started arguing again…! He grabbed me… Had me in bed and shoved his hand in my nose that it hurt a lot and made me cry.. He covered my mouth so i dont yell..then he headbutted me and called it an accident… I cried and yelled because it hurt so much.. He covered my mouth again… He got up.. Got me some water… Got me an icepack.. Asked me if i wanted to eat.. I was so angry… He took a shower.. He ate … I was getting ready to go to sleep and then he comes and says ”
      U know i think its pretty fucked up what u said about my family” (because he doesn’t have communication with his parents or brother/ sister.. And i had said no one is there for him
      Except me) he told me to shut the fuck up again and we haven’t spoken since then… I am seeking help… I m
      Afraid to telll my parents because they can call the cops … I feel ugly.. Retarted… Like a loser… Usually he takes me to work but today i asked my friend to take me… I feel like my life is coming into pieces and i want to escape… Please help… My heart and brain hurts… I am crying outloud but no one can hear me!

  40. Confused says:

    I am going through the same thing… I feel useless and scared. But still i am here. I have been with him for 6 years. Live together for two…. He hasn’t been working due to an injury so he is on workers comp. i work full time … I am a teacher… Hust graduated with my second masters degree. Two night ago we got into a huge argument … He tends to get upset very easily… He got upset because he told me to let my mom know to not send anymore food because we are moving to another apt… However my mom gave me food for the week and he went off! He said i dont respect him… Kept telling me to stfu… Thats no surprise everytime he gets upset at me he always curses and yells at me… By this time i am already shivering and blaming myself for accepting the good my mom gave me .. I even called myself stupid… Things got worse i confronted him by telling him that i am
    Tired of his cursing and arguing over small things (last week he argued with me because i did not put his good in a glass tupperware because his always goes on a plastic one). Anyhow… As i confronted him he kept telling tonto stfu… I was so angry!! I got up and then he grabbed me and shoved me to the corner of the living room.. Pulling my ear .. Yelling and cursing… Not letting me go anywhere… Grabbed me by my neck… Im already crying.. Scared.. Telling him to let me go… But hes not … He claims i am
    Not sweet.. Told him he is always so grumpy.. Hes always on the phone .. Told him i saw his account online and hes acting like a single man! He denied it… I ran to the bedroom he shoved me to the corner of the bedroom.. Pointing at my forehead.. Saying u are not going anywhere.. To stare at the wall … Said im a dummy .. A fucking retard… I have two masters and i am still dumb.. That no one is going to tolerate me… That this is y my ex cheated on me.. This is why i wont last… I tried to get away.. He grabbed me and started kissing me… I said no get away u are crazy.. However i felt for it… We had sex… Then when done he says that i didnt listen to him about bringing food from my mom… I was confused!! We started arguing again…! He grabbed me… Had me in bed and shoved his hand in my nose that it hurt a lot and made me cry.. He covered my mouth so i dont yell..then he headbutted me and called it an accident… I cried and yelled because it hurt so much.. He covered my mouth again… He got up.. Got me some water… Got me an icepack.. Asked me if i wanted to eat.. I was so angry… He took a shower.. He ate … I was getting ready to go to sleep and then he comes and says ”
    U know i think its pretty fucked up what u said about my family” (because he doesn’t have communication with his parents or brother/ sister.. And i had said no one is there for him
    Except me) he told me to shut the fuck up again and we haven’t spoken since then… I am seeking help… I m
    Afraid to telll my parents because they can call the cops … I feel ugly.. Retarted… Like a loser… Usually he takes me to work but today i asked my friend to take me… I feel like my life is coming into pieces and i want to escape… Please help… My heart and brain hurts… I am crying outloud but no one can hear me!

  41. mary says:

    My name is Mary and my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you RE UNITING EX SPELL TEMPLE caster, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email: OLOKUNSPELLCASTER@GMAIL.COM All thanks to the source of my happiness{DR MUKU}

  42. Freedom says:

    Hello everyone, finding this blog was like discovering water in the desert. I was in a suffocating emotional destructive relationship and basically held captive for years, until one day I met someone that instantly warmed my senses and allowed me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was able to escape the relationship but it wasn’t easy, I was an emotional basket case and I lost the new flame too, which was expected. I realized that I was only a shell of a person, I didn’t feel confident to order a coffee – even though I had a university degree! So a decade has passed, and I am a top executive in my field and have a wonderful family, and I am producing a movie on my experience to inspire women like you, like me around the world, that no one has the right to take our freedom.

    My story compelled an Academy Award winning Director (USA), to write and direct the film.

    I would love to hear from you all, and to have your moral support. It’s been really tough to open up about the details with this person, I’ve cried a lot, and have suffered reliving the past in order to create the script… But it will be worth it.

    dolcevita7@hotmail.com

  43. Lizbeth says:

    I’m 31 went from the worst nearly and should’ve been deadly to the worst emotional abuse I have a 2 yr old and am stuck, no job, no clothes, no money, he has gotten me in the worst place I could not have even imagined, & I’m scared, I cry all the time, I have no strength left because the last 7 years have been physical to emotional and the only thing I have left for a reason to breath is a 2 year old little boy! I have more hate inside than one could imagine, I can say Yes to all 10 above! The tips the hotlines, everything, I’m scared, terrified to leave, can’t don’t know how me and my son would make it and my son not have to be taken away from all his things because he loves his home and he LOVES HIS MOMMY!!! But today I’m drained before I even woke up, my body hurts, im imprisoned in my home and there is nothing I truly love, even the times I say oh I love him blah blah blah, later I think why did I even say that or think I felt that way, IM NUMB

  44. renee says:

    I’ve been emotionally abused for the past 4 years. Been married for 26 years. He accuses me of sleeping with neighbors and his reletives. He threatens to break items and tells me I cannot have family over or if I go and see my family, he accuses me of cheating

  45. ross says:

    My abuse also lasted for 4 years. He was very nice in the beginning loved me so much told me im so beautiful all the time and how lucky he is . I was only 17 and as time passed he tried to control me more n more. He wont let me hang out with my sister . He wont let me make friends and I had to give up on whatever friends I had. I was not allowed to go any where with any friend girl or guy . Opsss I was not allowed to have a guy friend just cause he said so . If I was walking and on phone with him and some random guy asked me for directions he will get mad at me and accuse me of flirting with him. He had to know where I was at all times If I ever missed his call he would fight about it for n hour make it into a huge deal and this would happen pretty much every day. He isolated me to a point that he crippled me he wont let me study for an exam cause he loved me so much that he wanted me to talk to him . He would go out with his friends without telling me but I couldn’t. He would tell me im fat (i was 140lbs and 5.5ft at tht time big but cant be fat) he would tell me im a bad christian that I am not religious enough that i have weak faith, that I should cover more, that iam not graceful, that i am dumb , i am lose character ………….. He made me feel worthless at alot more times that I can recall. He would yell at me call me names like bitch slut whore………… He wanted sex all the time and I didn’t so it was my fault and it was never about me it was all about him how he wanted it and at the end of the day me the women was the evil of this sin he was just a helpless man who couldn’t help it ……… He forced me for sex didn’t care about me made me feel so bad that I would do it for him which made me physically and mentally tired………………….. He made me feel like no other guy would ever want me …………There was a patch in our relationship when he wouldn’t talk to me so I met someone else and broke up with him he got furious that how dare i break up with him I ended up coming back he found out y i left and after that he made my life living hell i was not allowed to go any where be on phone with him at all times he would monitor every thing took access of my laptop ……………… He abused me to a point that I had to seek counseling and get on medication but he still didn’t care would call me in the middle of the night to threaten to commit suicide but of course he never did ………… He told me he had brain tumor attack cause of me right before my exam but fully recovered in a day i was doubtful but I was worried sick later I found out he did all this to manipulate me and hurt me ……… He confessed to having an affair before I broke up with him but he was just so Nobel to tell me that even though it came after months of name calling and tormenting my character. I broke up with him again and in return he hacked my face book and told the world that what a slut I am he would threaten me all the time and I ended up going back I lied to my family friends and counselors. Then came alot of family crises and to my amazement he said i deserved it cause of what I did to him by breaking up and cheating on him it hurt me so much and he said that my parents will die and I wont be able to go to there funeral and that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore I broke all ties and got free he still stalks and harass me but i don’t care he tried to suicide thing to get me back but this time it didn’t work cause i don’t care about him and then he said oo ill make ur life a living hell that you will commit suicide your self I accepted the challenge and told him to do whatever he want try his best but he wont get me back and i wont lose this battle by committing suicide

  46. Hopeful says:

    The past two years of my relationship have truly been a living hell. I knew my husband in high school and dated him for a little while…we split up and dated other people and honestly I forgot about him for 6 years. We were young and so our relationship was mostly just a fling. He got married went to the army and had a child. His divorce was finalized February 2012… We got together again right after. Four months later I got pregnant and all he’ll broke loose. We had both done occasional drugs but I didn’t know how much he really did it until I got pregnant. He was an addict to anything he could get. Most of my pregnancy I was alone. I just couldn’t be with a addict. My heart had changed and I just wanted so badly for him to get it together. When he would get sober he would come around, but it wouldn’t last more an 10 days at a time. He slept with other women while we were apart and was living with another woman when I gave birth. I took him back and gave him chance after chance when he was sober but he just couldn’t stick with it. He accused me of sleeping with men while I was pregnant which I never did to try and make himself feel better about leaving and choosing drugs over me and our unborn son. After I gave birth about three months went by and we talked on and off and he had maybe sent me 200 dollars…most of the time asking for it back for who knows what…probably drugs. He continued using drugs and finally he stopped…but continued smoking the fake weed. He would promise to get a job but everyday would make some excuse. He got A job when my son was four months old but it was six hours away. We packed up everything and left. This job lasted for about two weeks. He was lying and doing drugs behind my back and eventually it led to him getting messed up to the point that we got in such a bad argument the cops got called and he went to jail. I had had enough and packed up and dove home, got a job, a place, and had my things together. I started talking to another man and did so for about three months. During this time my ex at the time got out of jail, went back home, got his truck stolen while trying to by drugs, broke down, when to rehab. Also when he got out he called cps on me but nothing came of it. Once out of rehab he contacted me. Now I’m from a divorced family and know the effects it has on a child to not have the father around. My only issue with him was his drug use and laziness. I told him we could give it one more shot but he had to do right or leave. I told him of the guy I was talking to (which I blew off to give it another try) and he was honest with me as well. We agreed to not allow us seeing other people to get in our way of trying again. He moved in with me got a job and he was amazing for about three months….I sW a complete change and we got married. After we got married he changed. He relapsed on drugs and quit his job. After he had spent a crap load of money on drugs he got sober again got another job. He worked there for another two months and then went back to drugs and quit his job again. He almost ran our family into the ground. The town we were in just wasn’t good for either of us and he insisted we needed to move for him to get better. So we moved. But things didn’t change. He continued to use on and off until he almost went to jail for being late to court. After court they drug tested him and told him if he failed he was going to jail. He was franked out but didn’t have a choice. He passed but it was dilute. He needed another drug test a month later. I think him almost going to jail for a long time freaked him out. Since then he hasn’t touched drugs. He has been working out everyday and working towards getting a hair follicle to see his daughter after 2 years. I’ve been really proud of him but he is very emotionally abusing at times and he gets jealous of me staying home with our son. I wasn’t making enough to pay child are and work. It was and still is cheaper for me to stay home with him. He is a pipefitter and makes a lot of money. Money that people wish they could make. But he is lazy and any reason he can he doesn’t go to work. He blames it on me in anyway he can. I don’t know what to do. He says I’m lazy but he has no idea what I do during the day. I clean, take care of our 1 year 2 month old, do laundry, clean the car, and errands I run them, cook, grocery shopping, and work out 1 1/2 hour a day and pick him up from work. Everything besides working is left up to me and I don’t mind. I enjoy being a wife and taking care of things but he isn’t appreciative at all and complains that he has to go to work while I stay at home a be lazy. He constantly uses the fact that I was seeing someone else before we got back together to put me down and make me feel bad for him. He says he hates his job and that I don’t care, but I do it’s just bills don’t pay themselves. If I could make as much money as he does I would but even if I worked and he stayed home I know things wouldn’t get done at home. He is just plain lazy and selfish. He married me knowing what he was signing up for so why is he now saying he doesn’t want to pay for my things but he’ll pay for our son….I just hate being around him. He’s so negative and bitches about everything. The way people drive, if he can’t put his boot on fast enough, if I ask him to do anything, if our son cries, if I don’t do something fast enough, if the remote can’t be found…ect. It’s ridiculous. Annoying. And pathetic. I really want things to get better but don’t know how to help him. I know he has issues but don’t men ever grow up? If I were to leave I’d have nothing and can’t go live with my family because he is too unpredictable and brings drama if he’s not getting his way. Is there any advice, I pray for him every night and I pray for my patience. I don’t know how to help him. I just wish god would open his eyes. He believes he’s saved but he is so lost. I’m not perfect but I try to be for him. I just don’t know how much longer I can take all this. Is god testing my marriage? I don’t know. Help.

  47. Mark says:

    I never cheated but I was constantly accused of cheating by my wife. We were loosing our home and I was doing my best to save it. I needed help from my wife, asking her to find a job so we can make ends meet. She’s the type that if she ignores a problem it will go away, she wont even open her mail if she thinks it’s bad news. So, as I’m trying to save the house on my own, my sex drive was not what it used to be, it went from 5 or 6 times a month to 1 or 2. I was mentally exhausted, and always held her tight in bed said I love her and we will get through this. The reduction of sex started her accusing me of cheating. I know she was scared and I told her that understand your feelings, but accusing is not helping. The accusations continued to the point I just didn’t want sex. When she didn’t accuse and we didn’t fight I would feel good and the sex drive started back just in time to be accused again. She would start being gone until late at night when I was home from working at the Fire Department, come home and ask who I’m screwing. She would check on me at work at 1 am or 2 om. I would wake up and she would be standing over me. I lost the urge to have sex with my wife, though I still would holder in bed, I was hurt and told her how I felt, but she would keep accusing me and then leave and I didn’t know where she would go until late at night. We argued a lot about the littlest things and was the only one to apologize after we argued. This lasted for about 2 years and now we are divorcing. I wonder how I could have handled it different. I never left emotionally or stopped kissing and holding her but I just didn’t feel like sex.

  48. Torquoisesky says:

    I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years and 8 years ago we separated> I didn’t have a resource like this 18 years ago and wish I had…..I didn’t even think he was abusive, but see now he IS a classic abuser.
    1. Makes you feel nervous or like you’re “walking on eggshells.” -I did feel this way all the time! I was taken aback by his first attacks….he changed so completely after our wedding. I was an extroverted, high energy fun gal when he met me (I was in college and he lived in the town I moved to). Once we got married, he accused me of being a flirt/slut/etc and screamed at me in the car after leaving a BBQ at his friends house. He said that I was making a fool of myself, etc and that I should tone it down). WOW! Over time, I “quieted” down and then we just stopped going places….he still went but I was not invited….he often told people that I was working/not interested in attending/sick/etc. I see now that is part of ISOLATING – wow! He ended up beating me violently one day before our 10th anniversary – I had miscarried a child and that was the day he would have been born. He attacked me (having hurt our dog the day before – I wish now I had known that he was escalating – I just thought it was very strange and scary but had no idea he was ramping up to what followed) and beat my head into the floor until I thought I would pass out. To this day, he denies that anything happened and told his brother (who was our neighbor and whose house I ran to as his wife was my friend) that I hit myself. I am not sure how I could have inflicted all the damage myself (he punched me in the mouth, the stomach, bent my glasses, threw me on the floor and bruised my thigh and then gripped my arms so tight there were bruises starting) but his brother believed him…..that was a sign that his whole family is abusive isn’t it? I was constantly anxious and realize now that my gut was aware he was dangerous and my body was reacting – my heart was trying to deny he was abusive though.
    2. Asks you to change jobs or careers, or even quit a job, because he wants you home (i.e. to control you), He didn’t do this – he wanted me to work and pay for things because he didn’t like to work. As long as I had an income, he had more freedom, and I guess he also knew where I was. I never knew where he was – he ran his own business so had lots of flexibility and opportunity to take off fishing/golfing/hunting….he made sure I never had any extra money for fun stuff but he always had cash in hand for unexpected outings with his friends……I was expected to be home when he got home though. He would go somewhere and tell me when he was coming back – he never came home on time though but I would wait for him….he wouldn’t call to say he was going to be late. I realized at some point how controlling/rude/disrespectful he was being and would just go do what I wanted. One day he came home on time, and I was not there – he called me screaming, and I said I would come right home but he said it was too late and he was going back out. He then refused to make plans with me since I couldn’t be on time, etc….classic!
    3. Is extremely jealous and accuses you of flirting with other men and lashes out when you have a simple conversation. Yeah, he did this (see party story in 1). I was friendly and he took that as flirting….as noted above, I tried to be “less” and it was a noticeable change…
    4. Constantly needs to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing (i.e. even time with girlfriends is monitored closely as if you are a his child). He didn’t really seem to care but again, he wanted me home when he said he was coming back. Those first years I didn’t have many friends since I had moved to his town…..developed friendships over the years and he ruined a few friendships by being rude to them.
    5.Puts you down, calls you names or criticizes you. YES! I was “f-ing B*tch” most of the time…
    6.Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right or blames me for problems. YES – he blamed me for so much that it became ridiculous. When his friend didn’t want to get up at 4am to go fishing, that was MY fault – he said that his friend thought I was a b*tch and that was why he didn’t want to do anything with my ex…..I was never rude to this friend so never knew what the problem was – tried to be friendly to him and he was rude to me. (I think now that my ex was telling his friend how awful I was and therefore, his friend hated me…but the 4am wakeup was likely the reason he was refusing the fishing trip!).
    7.Makes you feel like no one else would want you. YES – he called me fat when I was so skinny people who knew me thought I was anorexic and he made fun of my looks a lot. Of course, that makes you self-conscious and that spirals doesn’t it?
    8.Threatens to hurt you, your friends or family—but then says he was just ‘overreacting’. YES
    9.He checks your cell phone or email without permission. He never did this but at that time, I had no cell and he was technologically stunted….his porn addiction helped him become more proficient with the computer over time. He did read my journal though.
    10.You have changed your lifestyle, personality, hobbies and/or job because he asked you to, YES (see above).
    Thanks again for sharing your stories!

  49. Amy says:

    This is my first time posting on anything like this. I just entered therapy and am dealing with the mmy boyfriendny emotional and physically abusive relationships in my life. I am the child of two mental health professionals who was physically abused by my father and younger brother growing up and emotionally absued by my mother in sister. Not knowing how to set boundaries or stand up for myself, I have often found myself in various toxic relationships. I have kept people in my life as friends who have stolen thousands from my parents and bullied me with words. I had one beautiful relationship with the love of my life and let it be sabotaged by a friend who was so jealous of my happiness. She told me I had to choose between my best friend (her) and my boyfriend. She would invite people over to make fun of my boyfriend for being a nerd…which was the only thing they could find wrong with him. He was a sweet, educated, romantic man who would cook me dinner and bring me roses. Eventually my best friend drove a wedge between my boyfriend and I and we ended things.

    Flash forward several months and I am still heartbroken over the loss of a man I dated for 5 years and thought that I was going to marry. In comes “Brad” (not real name) who I literally meet in my living room via a roomate inviting him over. We hit it off immediately (or so I thought) and begin dating. My best friend/other roomate get jealous again that I have someone in my life and go nuts (years later this friend would be diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and stops paying rent, pge, and her share of the bills. I eventually have to evict her which ends our relationship (until just recently when we have been able to reconnect.).

    “Brad” is wonderful, almost perfect, and like me comes from an unstable family life hiding under the appearance of a normal professional family. Then he would get moody, and stop talking, or even sometimes say something sort of rude…but I obviously was just being too sensitive….

    Things went on fairly well for about a year and then JI noticed he really didn’t like me to go to school, or find a job, or hang out with my friends, or family, or do much else without him, actually. In fact, he would bot answer my calls when I did. Eventually, when he would pick up and we would see each other he would give me the silent treatment, threaten to break up with me, or sit me down and literally go through a list of everything that was wrong with me or he would go ob a tirade against whomever or wherever or whatever I was doing without him. I felt like everything was my fault, because why would someone who loved me try to hurt me. I guess I hadn’t realized how hurtful my actions of having a life separate from him were…

    Eventually, I stopped seeing my friends, stopped going to school, and didn’t see my family or do any of the things that used to make me, well, me.I was entirely isolated. He essentially moved into my place without paying rent as he was living at his parents (a fact he concealed from me for two years…he also lied about his age, telling me he was 28 when he was 32.) He would spend all my money, take my car, break ny things and replace them with his stuff until I had nothing left. Sometimes I would be trapped at home without my car, a phone, internet connection, or any food. I would eventually loose 30 pounds off of my already slim 110 pound frame. My hair fell out and walking up the stairs felt like an activity that would give me a heart attack. He would play mind games and deny when he would hurt me. I had no way to go to the dr. to get birth control or condoms, but he insisted with having sex with me, evew when I dekt so ill from lack of food. He got me pregnant and I knew I would nee subject a child to the misery that my life was then. I decided to get an abortion. He wouldn’t help with the medical bills because “he was already hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and asking for help on luxury was insulting.” He made me feel like this was all my fault. I would stare out my window and cry all day.

    Eventually, I decided that it was him and not me that was the problem. I started to do little things for myself. J developed a small networks or people to go to and gradually made me escape. It took me about two years tk finally be free.

    I am still dealing with the emotions of the situation. I hope one day I will e able to let someone good into my life.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      I cannot imagine your pain. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please post an update with how you are doing now. I’m so glad you were able to get out!

      • Anonymous says:

        I too have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 20+ yrs. I divorced him after 7-years; but let him control everything about me even after the divorce. We lived in separate arguments, but same complex. I still worked part time for him & worked another full time job at the same time. Still cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, errands, etc for him. Eventually I just moved back in with him. I see from reading this blog that I really am in an emotionally abusive relationship….he controls me, makes me feel intelectually inadequate and that I will never survive on my own. He calls me horrible names, degrades me, wonders where I am when I am not at his business running his errands. He controls ALL the monies, I have to ask for money like a child & he questions everything I need any money for. He doesn’t like for me to dress nice, but he can. I cannot have a nice hairstyle or makeup, but he can cut/color his hair every 3-weeks. He is only concerned for his own wellbeing, if he is sick, tired or having a hard day it is the end of the world; if those things happen to me…I am on my own. I have even had to drive mysel to the ER when suddenly severely I’ll & needed an emergency surgery. I had all I could do to make it to the hospital, I was so sick and in pain! He cControls my conversations with friends and family, but all my family live 7 states away from me and friends have become few due to their non approval of our being together. I need God back in my life, my friends and family and most important, the strength to finally leave him. He has drummed it into my head that I am basically worthless and no one will hire me. He says I am too fat and will take up all the room. I am afraid to be poor, like he says I will be. Why do we as the abused let someone say horrible things to us that we completely loose the person we were? Please pray for me to find the strengths to carry on, I am very depressed these past few years. Thank you for reading.

  50. sian says:

    I am in an abusive relationship and have been for two years. It started out great was so in love perfect couple then I fell pregnant and he was so happy we argued a fair bit about my past. He asked about it and I didn’t want to lie I told him we shouldn’t go down that road but he still pursued it. We started fighting and he kicked me up my back side. I’m convinced that’s the reason my baby didn’t make it. He put me through so much stress chipping away at me winding me up then physically hit me. I was devistated and in such a bad place. He even give me a load of abuse in the hospital while I was going thro it. Afterwards I was walking round like a ghost of myself due to what I had been through. Things got better between us, I couldn’t leave him I felt like I couldn’t live without him. He had stripped me of who I was and everything I believed in. The arguments were all the time, they got more and more physical black and blue I was he was clever never to hit me in plain view. I fought back why should I take it. The more I fought back the worse off I was. But I wouldn’t let myself give in I had give in too much. I could go on and on how bad it’s been. I know myself what the relationship is and who he is too. As soon as I open my eyes in a morning he starts oining me till I snap then it’s me who’s a miserable c*nt, I wouldn’t be if he didn’t start. But he doesn’t get that. I hate him most of the day till I’ve calmed down. And I love him all at the same time. I can’t stand the names he calls me it cips away at me. I can take the physical just not the verbal. I just wish that one day I come home him and his stuff gone. No drama no arguing. I can’t leave him he would hurt my family I know he would. He would try to ruin my life outside of my home.

  51. Emii says:

    I was in a emotional abusive relationship for four years . Obviously at the time I was oblivious to it and he started out such a loving caring boy. When I met him I had recently broke up with my child hood sweetheart which I had been with on and off for 6 years, trying to go to the complete opposite of my ex I met him (a bit of a rebound) but I felt I needed to break the ties from my ex and give another relationship ago. He seemed so happy to be with me and was always complimenting me and saying I was too good for him I felt he was a little insecure but thought not much of it.

    A year and half in and I fell pregnant with my daughter this is when his true colours started to show. I always felt I was walking on egg shells and would do things just to stop him from kicking off and when he did kick off he made me think it was my fault. When my daughter was born he didn’t seem to come home straight from work anymore and would roll in all hours of the morning and basically did what he wanted knowing I was at home with the baby cleaning the house not going anywhere or seeing anyone. As time went on I returned to work from maternity leave I worked nights so he had my daughter at night with this time he spoke to endless amount of girls on dating websites and other social networking sites which therefore was MY FAULT apparently for not paying him much attention.

    I became very paranoid and believed that I could make him stop doing this by changing me and the way I was but that never worked if anything it made me feel as if I was going insane. This is when the relationship started to become volatile and I would answer back and huge arguments would break out i slowly started to have no love or care for him and knew me and my daughter deserved better. I got strong and decided I needed to leave him so I left this caused 2 years of pure hell in my life!!!! He wouldn’t leave me alone to begin with always crying and texting and then using pick up and drop off times as an excuse to see me I do admit I became weak at some points as I always wanted my daughter to have a family and I felt responsible for breaking it (MY FAULT) but every time I tried to rekindle it the same anger and hurt and paranoia was there so over time my family thought it would be a good idea if they did hand overs of my daughter and distance the contact between us Which really helped the arguing stopped and he found a new girlfriend which appears to be another volatile relationship.

    I slowly built my confidence back up and now I look back at things I realise none of that was my fault. I made a list of positivity of all the things I wanted to accomplish after leaving him and I have completed everything on it after two years of being out of it. He is in yet another volatile relationship which is hard for me as my daughter is wittenising this now as she’s older and understands arguing and fighting. The only advice I can give someone living this and feeling trapped is leave you will look back and realise your not living until you have left xxxx

  52. Mel says:

    Hi everyone! I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and at a point where I do not know what to do. I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I have been married to my husband for 8 years. And before our marriage we had been previously engaged. I met my husband when I was 15. My dad was an abuser and had not been in the picture except to cause havoc from my ninth birthday onward – so yes – I have daddy issues! When I met my husband, he was my first real boyfriend. At first I didn’t really want to date him but my friend really liked his cousin and at that age it was a package deal. I guess you could say I was the ‘wing man’. Lets call my husband “Jake” for ease of telling the story. SO I agreed to date Jake. Jake is East Indian and I am White (German and Italian). This is significant because of the cultural values that Jake and his family have. When we dated, I wasn’t allowed to call Jake because he wasn’t allowed to date a white girl. Anyways we dated for a year (he had just graduated when we met and I had just finished my grade 10 year). He was nice enough, would bring me flowers or buy a shirt for me at the mall that he thought I would like and surprise me with it. And he didn’t seem like he was very ‘indian’. He moved to Canada when he was just over a year old so he was very canadianized. Like any other guy except for the colour of his skin. But towards the end of the first year of dating, he started acting weird… he would get overly jealous and possessive. I would call him during my lunch break at school and he would ask to talk to a friend and then once they were on the phone he would threaten them. Eventually I lost most of my friends. When I was about to start my last year of high school he asked me to move in with him. Things had not been great at home for me and his parents were very clear that he was not allowed to date me so we thought if we got an apartment together, it would be him and me against the world. Man was I dumb! Right before moving in together I felt like it was the wrong decision. I worked as a telemarketer for a company downtown and went for a dinner with a group from the office. Jake through a fit and came and picked me up and then tried to scare me by driving really fast like he was going to kill both of us. He often would show fits of rage and then later cry and say he just wanted to be with me. After we moved into together things got a lot worse. He drank a lot. I worked and went to school and he did nothing He refused for us to get a phone hooked up – he said it was to punish his parents by not letting them contact him because they hadn’t accepted me – I know now it was to control me. We made a few friends in the apartment building. Many of them witnessed on numerous occasions his abuse and when anyone tried to intervene he would try to physically fight them. One new years eve he accused me of cheating on him and in front of people pulled my skirt and panties down and my top up exposing my body and yelled for people to look at me that I was a whore. Then he poured his bottle of beer on my head. I remember one time I had made dinner before he came home and then while he was eating he got mad ( I can’t even remember why) and he took his beer bottle and threw it against the wall. I was so scared but even more scared of going home and knowing I couldn’t make it on my own. Eventually though, I went home. Jake wouldn’t take no for an answer and to save face I told him we could go back to just casual dating cause it was too much pressure. I figured I could slowly distance myself then. I was wrong. He asked me one day to talk to him in his car and when I got in he climbed on top of me and began strangling me and putting one hand down my throat. I will never forget the words he screamed at me. “YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE ME? I’LL KILL YOU FIRST YOU DUMB BITCH!”. After I managed to get away, I refused to see him again. He stalked me for months afterwards. He would call me and tell me what I ate for dinner, what I was wearing that day and where I was, just to let me know that he was following me. Eventually he stopped. After that I moved away to a different province. I had two kids and life was different. But every year, Jake would call my mom and tell her that he missed me and loved me. That I was the love of his life. He would bring my mom and baby sister presents every Christmas and call her each year on my birthday to see how I was doing. He convinced my mom that we were meant to be together. And then of course my mom would tell me that he was the ‘One’. And that I should give him another chance. During those 8 years I found myself in another abusive relationship from which I got pregnant with my son. That guy is a whole other story but the relevant part here is that he kidnapped my son after we broke up and took him across the country which was against our legal papers. The RCMP and City police were authorized to obtain my son from him after a judge made an emergency order in the parental kidnapping. It took 3 months to find him. After that I had my first normal relationship with a good man who was nothing less than kind to me. Him and I created our daughter. Unfortunately as years went on we seemed to have less in common. He was 13 years older than me and in my mind we had different life goals for the future. I wanted more kids and a simple home life and him – well he had already done that and wanted to go past that. So I ended up moving back to my home city and Jake and I got in touch. At first we just wanted to go for a drink to catch up but not long into our conversation he put all of his cards on the table. He told me that I was the only person that he ever loved. He told me that in the 8 years we were apart that he never dated anyone else because he wanted to wait for me. He told me all of the things that I wanted to hear. And before I knew it we were dating and within months I let him move in with me. During those months, my son was taken from me a second time. I spent 10 months getting him back and during that time Jake began to change. I had thought that he was a new man. That he had matured,. That the old Jake was just young and full of emotion. But no he hadn’t changed at all. After he moved in I started to realize how much he was drinking. Then he started to become aggressive and violent when he drank. He would tell me that I had mental problems. That I was sick in the head. One time he was driving and he began calling me names. I started to cry. He told me (while the car was moving) to get out of the car. I said no and he told me he was going to take my daughter from me and tell people I was mentally ill if I tried to leave him. This was especially hurtful as I didn’t have my son at the time. I think I went through a depression during that time – how could someone not when there son is stolen from them and you have to fight to get them back for a second time – not knowing whats going to happen – and the worst part of it is I couldn’t ask for help because Jake threatened to say I was mentally sick if I tried to leave him. For the record I don’t have any mental illness but I do suffer from chronic anxiety and panic attacks. Jake would then tell me to do sexual stuff that I didn’t want to do. He would want to tape me performing sexual acts on him. It grossed me out and made me feel disgusting. I ended up pregnant with my second son. Jake wanted me to marry him. I did not want to . I could see his true colours and did not want to end up married to the devil. He told his parents who want due to get married right away so it didn’t shame the family that I was pregnant. I said no. I told his father I didn’t want to because of his drinking and his lack of respect for me. Jake said he would change and that it was all due to stress. That if we got married we would live with his parents and there would not be the financial stress. He then told me that I should do it because what people will think of me if I don’t because I will have 3 kids then with three different fathers. I felt ashamed and so I did it. Worst mistake ever. We were married by a justice of the peace 3 days later. Jakes parents planned to do a big indian wedding ceremony the month after. I wanted a real Canadian wedding but I didn’t have money for it and Jake told me his parents needed to do an indian wedding. Jakes drinking got a lot of worse and he treated me worse too. The night before our indian wedding he punched me in the face (yup got a fat blue lip in my wedding photos) yelled and screamed at me, locked me in the bathroom with him while he yelled in my face and then took my hand and started hitting himself in the face with it saying he would tell anyone that heard that I was abusing him. He woke up his sisters and their husbands who were visiting for the wedding and his parents. He yelled at them saying this is the whore you are bringing into the family. She is nothing but a slut. She doesn’t give a fuck about any of you. This went on for almost an hour. His sister called the police. No charges were laid. The next day we had our wedding ceremony. It was not the happiest day of my life! The abuse has continued for 8 years. He calls me names in front of my friends. He drinks heavily. He tells me to get out of his house and live somewhere else. When I try to leave him, he takes the vehicle away so I can’t go. BTW we have one more son – so I am the mother of 4 kids total. He calls our friends and cries to them that he loves me and that he wants things to be good between us. He starts fights and arguments. He is still violent – not physically with me and the kids but his father came over and while Jake (who was drinking) started to call me names physically beat his dad in front of our kids because his dad told him to stop calling me names. The police were called and again no charges were laid. His father denied the incident happening in order to protect his son. To make it even worse Jake picks on my oldest son and verbally abuses him. I try to protect him as best I can. Jake also tells me he treats me bad because I don’t have sex with him and that if I want him to be nice to me he can only do it if we have sex. And when I do give in and have sex with him, he criticizes me for not being good enough or not trying all the sick things he wants me to do. He has jokingly (so he says) told me that he is going to slip me the date reap drug so that he can do what he wants to me without me complaining. When I am sleeping he molests me and tries to have sex with me. One time I woke up because he had ejaculated on me. I feel so disgusting and gross. He won’t even let me have one night sleep. When I confront him about it he tells me its my fault and that if I have sex with him he wouldn’t do it but even when I do it still happens. Sometimes he pretends that he didn’t know he was doing it. I also found out that when I wanted to take the kids to Disneyland (after being married to him for 2.5 years) that he couldn’t go to the USA because he has a criminal record. He won’t give me details but I saw papers that he has to register as a sex offender. Who the hell did I marry? Now the abuse has gone on so long – I don’t know how to get out. When he gets upset or has been drinking, I feel real fear throughout my body. I feel like I am going to vomit and pass out. I can’t breathe and I shake. I know he will never let me go. Right now I am trying to focus on my life so I can afford to have more options for getting out. I am a full time university student – getting my psychology degree so I can help others, I work part time as a chiropractic assistant and I home school my kids. But how do I get out? How do I get rid of the feeling that I am going to die? How do I get a proper plan in place? I feel so trapped. My daughter has a learning disability and needs to be homeschooled. Im a full time student – how do I make bough money to support myself and my kids and get out so they can see a new healthy normal? Help please…… :(

  53. Marie says:

    I left my fiancé several months ago. It took a long time to leave this relationship. I constantly found that I doubted myself. Over the 7yrs. That we were together a terrible cycle developed. He would treat me badly. I would become upset & know it was wrong how he treated me, but somehow I always felt I was to blame. For example his brother was visiting from out of state & they were going to go fishing. My fiancé asked me if I wanted to go. I declined & suggested he go have fun & spend time hanging with his brother. He wouldn’t take no for an answer & kept asking me to go. I do like going to the ocean & was only saying no because I trying to be nice. So with his insistence I happily agreed to go & was looking forward to it. He asked me on a Wednesday & we were to leave that Friday about 7pm. It was going to be beautiful because the full August blue moon was that night. About 3pm on friday I was at the grocery store & missed a call on my cell phone from my fiancé. He didn’t leave a message. I called him back… No answer. I went home got my things ready to go and waited for him to come home. Only he didn’t. I tried calling again… No answer. Around 7pm I received a call from him. He, his brother & a nother guy friend (who originally wasn’t going) were already on the highway heading to the Ocean. They had left without me. I was shocked & could barely say anything. I just kept saying… “Oh”, “oh”… “You left?” He got angry & started yelling at me; “What’s wrong with me spending sometime with my brother?” This embarrassed me because I knew his friend & brother were listioning. They probrably didn’t know I was supposed to go & thought I was just being a jerk. I was upset, cried most the evening. Felt hurt, angry & mostly confused! Why did he make a big deal to invite me then take-off!??? The above described incident happened over & over in the seven years we were together. Different only by the people, places, & events we were suppose to go to. Why didn’t I get rid of him when he did this the first time? Because somehow he always came back and convienced me it wasn’t his fault. I was too sensitive he would tell me or play on my sympathy of how he had no choice, ect, ect. I have left & bounce back & fourth in my mind. Sometimes I feel I did the right thing by leaving & sometimes I am heartbroken & think, “if only I had tried harder.” But he had a bad temper (didn’t physically hit me). He would scream & smash things. Called me terrible names. Once told me that “nobody loves you, their in love with the illusion of you, but they don’t love YOU! He would throw my belongings out in the trash. We are both tidy people, but sometimes he goes on thigs kick where he just gets angry and throws things out. He’ll just suddenly change things. Dosen’t sound like a big deal but I’ll be sleeping on the left side of the bed for months or years & one night go to get in bed & find he has moved my books & things 2 the right side of the bed. When I stop & look confused he’ll just lay there smirking at me and say “what?” I can’t explain it. This all probrably sounds silly, but it all was just strange. My head felt so confused for so long. It still does. He lied all the time about the dumbest things. He tells me now that the lies were to cover-up his drug use. Which I didn’t want to be involved with a man who used drugs, because they are not a part of my life and they scare me. I guess I just did a lot of babbling here. I leave anyone who reads this with this message. If it dosen’t feel right, if your gut tells you something is wrong, run! Don’t walk away, run! Don’t let his charm, the I love you’s, the but I need you’s, I’ll change… I promises’ or any of it cloud your judgement. It just isn’t worth your sanity. I wish I left long ago. God Bless :-)

  54. Genevieve says:

    I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for almost three years. He would constantly undermine me, call me awful names, and always felt the need to remind me of how he could always be with someone else instead of me. It turned out that he was – I found out that he was cheating on me for over a year and a half. In all that time, I allowed him to abuse me both physically and emotionally, all the while ignoring my gut when it told me that something wasn’t right. Instead of leaving and taking the higher road. I allowed myself to become bitter. And there were times I would fight back. I feel guilty about this, and I know that I have to forgive myself, and deep down I know that I am not that person. He made me that person by filling my mind and my heart with poison. When i confronted him again, he pushed me and out of anger I slapped him. He proceeded to act out violently towards me and then choked me. I did try to talk to him afterwards in an attempt for some kind of closure. And he only continued to mock me. He said he could never forgive me for the mistakes that I had made, but not once did he ever apologize for the violence and emotional hurt that he brought to me. He told me that I deserved worse. I talked to the other woman, and she was also disgusted. In the end she had decided to stay with him. For her sake and her daughters, I hope that she does not endure the same violence that I encountered. I tried to warn her, but she chose to believe whatever lies he told her. He was a very good talker, and always found a way to manipulate me. He would constantly try to break up with me, but then would come back and say he didn’t mean it, and there were times that I begged him to stay with me- because I thought that he was all i deserved. But the reality is that I deserve better, And I am not the monster he believed that I was. He has not owned up for his actions, and I don’t know that he ever will. The saddest part is that several people knew that he was cheating and no one came to my aid. The let me suffer in silence, including his family members. This all just happened a few days ago and I am going through so many emotions. I have gone through anger, guilt, disgust, sadness, but I know that as time passes I will heal. He was a poison to my life. And I hope that one day his demons will heal, because the way he lives his life is not one worth living. He was a cheater and a manipulator and I do not believe that he will ever change. But I hope and pray that he does. I know that I was not the problem. I tried my hardest to give him the love he so desperately needed. And he chose to abuse it. I will love again someday, and dealing with these emotions is difficult at times. But I am counting on the support of family and friends and people who care and love me. I want to be around people who want to see me happy. Not people that want to see me suffer. I am not ready to dive into another relationship. And I hope that one day, the right man will come along and sweep me off of my feet. Until then, I am learning to love myself again.

  55. maria says:

    I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used herbs… Within 2 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution60@gmail . com) Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.

  56. me says:

    im going thru the worse. im in love with him but he says things that hurt me. I know he loves me but he accuses me of the most and always wants proof then I show him and he still has a reason to say something else. I feel degraded and when I call it off he is even meaner and doesn’t care what he says. I end up giving in because im all about family. I support my kids. weve been together for 6yrs and he has put me thru a lot but also has showed me he loves me. he barely is working and he lives at his mothers house now and its gotten worse and still he wont help me but we fight everyday because he says who are u texting or u did this n when I say no he says yea right….. he lies and says someone told him….im tired and I blow up on him now…

  57. Tired of hurting says:

    I’ve been in an emotional & mental abusive relationship for 5 years. I’m just now finding courage to get out. So, here’s my story … I met this man & all seemed perfect. After dating a while I decided to relocate little did I know I’d come to dread my decision. He cheated yet blamed it on me, he let his kids mistreat me, & he mistreated me. Many of nights I’d go to bed hungry & crying. He made ne believe everything was my fault, then I’d apologize. I was never appreciated & he got mad if I stood up for myself. Just like many I’d leave then come back thinking things would change, trust me they don’t. I’d listen to him put me down, listened to him tell others “oh she’s just a friend”. I lived with the hurt day in day out. I finally realized this isn’t love but it’s abuse. It’s tough on me but I’m getting through the effects it had on me.

  58. Darling says:

    Mine is almost all the same with all the above ones but Guess I’m stuck in the final stage of breaking up with him.. He just turned violent, swear at me, hurt me, kick me, hit me with a pair of wire until I stop talking and force me to sit and doesn’t even let me go to my work … And I heard he has another girl secretly and I’m even glad that I have to be single again … He spent 60% of my income never had a chance to save up my money and as I’m a model I hate getting new bruises over my body or face. I tried talking him in polite ways ..I’ve tried to fight him back .. I’ve tried being so nice but it always end up with his blame on me even when I said I knew about his secret affair and I told him to just move on with that Girl .. And Let me live my life back.. I dare not to tell anyone or my parents coz they are from like kinda high class .. And mom is not so well too… I’m afraid of him day by day.. I feel like he’s swallowing my dreams and hope esp…..My lifetime… To be an artist..not his baby sitter or sex slave or mom..:'( Help

  59. chee says:

    I am in a 6 year relationship and how I feel now is far from what you call love. We are both not perfect but every chance we have a little blue, he blows it into something so huge that my boyfriend is very quick to call me dumb, bitch, stupid, fat, ugly, no brain, pathetic, he doesn’t even know what we are doing together? and why shouldn’t I just move out? And take our five year old son with me. If I were so dumb I wouldn’t be in my fifth year of medicine about to graduate. I am beyond my limits right now that when we go out socially I used to be bubbly and have so much charisma in the way I spoke, the way I smiled and now when I speak he’s forever looking at me so I don’t say the wrong thing, he’s always judging me, he makes me uneasy even when I’m talking to my own friends and I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. He’s changed me from being a positive person into a insecure hopeless mum. I have strong Morales and my son is an amazing respectful little human I’ve ever met.
    This emotional abuse has been going on for 6 years and I’m at breaking point

  60. michelle says:

    Receiving red flags and started researching controlling behavior and come across this site and have questions or feed back on what to do cause I either think Im going crazy or I am this person that does and says EVERYTHING wrong. I have been dating this guy for 6 mos now. We met online and after our first date we have been inseparable. I have been divorced for 8 years and have 2 children and have had a few boyfriends since my divorce that always turned out to be good friends and not settling for just anyone. I fell head over heels in love with this man and I took this as a sign that God actually brought me my love of my life and a great relationship finally. (I am 43). He swept me off my feet and told me everything a girl wants to hear and then some. He made me feel so beautiful, smart, funny, extremely confident and other people envied our relationship. He is a very smart, romantic, and owns his own business so makes very good money, sent me flowers, took me on trips, bought me lots of things and even paid bills for me when I needed. About a month into our relationship, he told me he loved me, which I thought this is it! He is MY ONE and only I was meant to be with.. Well, it is no 6 months into our relationship and I could not be more miserable. I moved me and my kids in with him cause he wanted so bad for us all to be together and I gave in and did it even tho I was very skeptical about it cause we had only been dating almost 4 months. I gave away 2 cats that were at my house cause he hates cats we’ve had forever and said they destroyed my house and why would I want them (renovating it right now to rent) That really wasn’t a big deal, it was just the way he went about it. Now, 6 mos into our relationship, I can do nothing right. He told me a few months ago that he goes to a pain clinic for back pain and he is on high strength pain pills and they keep upping is prescription because the old dose does nothing anymore. He is EXTREMELY moody now, we all walk on eggshells but I especially do cause I do not know what kind of mood he is gonna be in from minute to minute. I say all the wrong things, I do all the wrong things and he calls me stupid thru telling me how he thinks I did wrong without actually calling me stupid.. He works only when he wants and stays in his bedroom and tells me that I should be in there by 8:30 pm every night to be with him and my daughter should not text or call unless emergency after that time til 7:00 am next morning. He is VERY rude to me, my kids sometimes and every where we go he is complaining to someone about service, help, ANYTHING. It is totally embarrassing. He makes me feel like a piece of shit when I used to feel soooooo HAPPY. Never says sorry, thank you, please, etc… orders me to do things.. I feel like I am going crazy cause I am this bad of a person but I know down deep I am not and I tell him that what he tells me hurts and he does nothing about it like I am crazy for feeling these thought… I’ve tried to not say anything to upset or frustrate him, he only thinks I am ignoring him, I’ve tried telling him how I feel, he doesn’t care how I feel. He has mentioned killing himself 3 times now and as recently as yesterday. He is now in this state of he knows he is addicted to pain meds and says I need to be there for him thru this and not pressure him with how I feel and what he doesn’t do anymore (like be sweet and loving and just plain kind) I don’t know what to do.. HELP PLEASE.. I am miserable

  61. Karen says:

    I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years. When it began to turn physical to my children, I filed for divorce. After having no contact for 4 years, he came back, asking for visitations and was granted therapeutic supervised visitations with the kids. They hate going, because we were doing fine and making progress until he showed up again. Now he texts me, emails me, says that I’ve brainwashed the kids, or alienated the kids. The therapeutic supervisor told the kids she didn’t believe they were actually abused, because she has seen much worse, more physical cases. It was a devistating setback after so many years to find we are right back to no one believing us that this man is toxic and we want him out of our lives. I feel so powerless, because I have no money left for court battles, but my kids are the ones suffering, and the people that are supposed to help don’t believe what they tell her. The system is broken. Now what do I do?

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