Premarital Sex or Divorce? | Ask Ruthie
“I know in the Bible it says to wait until you are married to have sex. But a friend and her husband waited and when they were married they realized they had NO sexual chemistry and it was “miserable.” They were both so mad at God for letting that happen after they honored Him and waited. It resulted in them getting divorced. How do you know if God would rather you wait until you are married and potentially end up miserable or experiment before to make sure the connection is there? God doesn’t want you to have sex before you’re married but He also doesn’t want you to be miserable or get a divorce. What is the better scenario?”
This question came through my email shortly after I launched the “Ask Ruthie” page. It’s especially interesting because just the other day had a conversation with a friend where she confessed the sexual chemistry “just isn’t there”.
Stories of fearful sex or hard sex or disappointing sex are being shared online recently by women who waited. Some said they felt they were dealt a bill of goods, a false promise the church gave that sex would be ‘worth the wait’. Others have shared hardships during their first year of marriage.
In other words, this question is important. I love tough questions that show we aren’t afraid to say, “Wait a second…God are you sure that’s what you meant?”
Have you ever wondered, “What if I wait for sex and then the sex isn’t good?”
When I was in college, many would give me reasons why I was ridiculous and experimenting with sex was the only way to ensure sexual chemistry. When enough people look at you like you have two heads, you start to worry and reevaluate.
I write a lot about my journey with waiting in chapter three of Real Men Don’t Text, but for now, I will leave you with a thought: when God instructs us to do something (not have sex, tell people about Jesus, speak the truth, love one another), it usually doesn’t come with a guarantee for success. You may have heard the term, “prosperity Gospel” which refers to the belief that if we behave well, then God gives us good things (health, wealth, sexual chemistry, etc.) If you read the Bible, very quickly you’ll discover through stories like John the Baptist’s beheading, Jesus’ crucifixion, Paul in prison, and others that following Christ doesn’t guarantee a smooth ride.
In other words, waiting for sex doesn’t mean God gives you a Hollywood perfect sex life. But waiting does give you a head start in figuring out how intimacy is designed to work.
Living in the ‘what ifs’ of life will lead you down a miserable road. What if I study my butt off and don’t get into law school? What if I kill myself and don’t get the job? What if I wait and sex isn’t glamorous?
I can’t promise sex will be perfect if you wait, but I can guarantee you won’t look back and wish you’d had more ‘experiences’, whatever that may mean for you. It’s not an either/or scenario. It’s not premarital sex or zero sexual chemistry. The same way it’s not ‘stay a virgin’ or be doomed to a life of miserable consequences.
Sexual is like anything new; you’re not going to be spectacular the first time you try it. It takes patience and practice—learning and giving. Sexual chemistry is based on many emotional factors, so if the sex is hard, something deeper is going on.
Think about it this way. What if you’d been watching marathon runners your whole life and when you finally try running—you give up after the first mile because it just ‘isn’t clicking’. Runners like me would laugh at you and say, “Give it time. It’ll get easier and easier.”
Sex is going to be different for every couple. Some will have unspeakable chemistry, others will have more trouble—just like some couples will never mention money and others will fight about finances daily.
Trying sex out with everyone you might consider marrying is likely to make marriage sex even harder. With all these other guys to compare your husband to, what if he stops measuring up? Stops performing the way you want him to?
It’s not a decision between premarital sex or divorce. It’s a decision to trust God’s heart for you and your future. He says to wait, I believe because it makes marriage sex better and less complicated. God’s not Santa Claus, granting us our every wish, but He is a good Dad.
Have you ever wondered about sexual chemistry? What has your church taught about waiting? Do you feel like perfect, easy sex is promised? LET’S DISCUSS!
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- “…God? I’m still not married.” | A Guest Post from my husband