Stop Waiting for Him to Ask You Out

Girl Starring Out Window

In college, I waited—like I thought every good Christian girl was supposed to.

The Christian rhetoric of “men initiate, women respond” gridlocked my heart into eleven months of waiting. As the story often goes, I really liked this great guy. Our relationship escalated from group hangouts, to study breaks and late-night runs, and from there on to dinners off-campus and formal events. He never expressed his feelings per se, so I mastered the art of channeling my anxiety about his ambiguity by scribbling in my prayer journal. I was that girl.

“Does he like me? Will he ever profess his true feelings?” I asked God, but I never asked my crush.

I didn’t ask him how he felt because I was told good Christian women’ don’t initiate, and speaking up crossed into the forbidden category of pursuing. I was instructed to pray more, trust God, sit by the phone, and wait. As a result, I lost my voice. And as it turned out, he did finally profess his feelings—to another girl. Spending a year of your life swooning over a guy only to discover he never fancied you “that way” can feel like a small death, can’t it?


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6 Responses to “Stop Waiting for Him to Ask You Out”
  1. Brenna says:

    At what point does one hit the mark of having waited too long? And is it appropriate to have a clarifying conversation at some point?

  2. Lerato says:

    Oh how my heart bleeds about this.

    The christian culture I grew up in, made it seem like a guy can pursue a number of girls at a time and then decide which he would like. But I think we as women need to also know ourselves and not let the decision be made for us.

    If a guy is spending an abnormal amount of time with you, gives you the signals but never says anything… We need to make every effort to guard our hearts as much as we expect our husbands (if it is within God’s plan) to be doing that. So we can not be toying with our hearts over “half-hearted” pursuits.

    I love the movie “He’s just NOT that into you”. Alex said, “if I guy wants to be with a girl, he would do everything he can to be with you” (paraphrased), “If a guy doesnt call you, he doesnt want to call you!”

    Sometimes we have to take responsibility for our actions or lack thereof. If a guys is sending us mixed signals but can’t or won’t define where he’s leading you… then you use your discretion, ask him or assume there’s nothing there for you to hold on to, or however the spirit leads…

    Guarding my heart means not entertaining the ideas that go through every girls head, holding his hand, hugging him, being his and him mine… Walks on a spring sunny day, dancing in the rain… you know how we go crazy and start planning a marraige… And constantly pray, redirecting my weak vulnerable heart to God… “Do not awaken love til love is ready”.

    Aluta continua (fight on) my dear sisters (and brothers) reading this.

  3. Yasheda says:

    Im so glad i bumped into this post!

    About two and a half weeks ago a christian guy that i see at prayer night mentioned to me that we should hang put “one one one” and he gave me his number that he doesnt have a phone for yet because he broke his. (he writes me via facebook) We have never hung out one on one. Every monday and sometimes other days he invites me to hang out with his friends (mostly the whole group from prayer night) with addition of some others. The night consist of about 8-10 of us. I really appreciate him inviting me and i love meeting new christians my age (especially because i gave my life to Christ two years ago) and im still in the transition in my life with the friends situation. But when we go out, He doesnt sit next to me and we really never converse. Its mostly a group thing. So, i guess im just waiting for him to invite me on this “one on one” thing/ God is showing me how to be patience and gaurd my heart. I guess im just kind of wondering when he’s going to ask me. maybe he’s shy. and i know he just finished this semester so he’s hanging out with friends.

    I really dont have any friends. so i was very suprised when i got invited to hang out. im not used to it. But to get asked out by a guy to hang out “one one one”. Trying not to wonder too much…..

  4. Yasheda says:

    Im just learning to take it easy. I recently asked my parents can i have a cookout or get together at home. i thought it would be a cool idea to invite the group of people ive been hanging out with.

  5. Emily says:

    I just have a few honest thoughts here..

    First, not asking a guy isn’t just the “Christian” thing to do.. This is also southern, and up until 50 years ago, the norm.. I am not “old fashion”- I just wanted to point this out, because it isn’t just a church thing.
    I also wanted to ask where you have the platform to really tell single women this? You had this experience in college, but did you have the same experience in your late 20’s? Yes, there are times where the woman asks the guys, and it works- but there are also times where the guy just needs to man up.. I think each scenario is different, and a blanket statement offered as advice – it just doesn’t sit with me well to be honest.. beyond personal experience, you don’t really offer anything of substance on why we should just stop waiting for him to ask us out & and maybe i am wrong on what you meant- but, you’re married – and the guy you married isn’t the guy you “anguished” over for a year in college..i am really wondering why you would offer such “bold” advice on something that doesn’t really even apply to you?

    • Tolita says:

      Indeed Emily.

      I feel this website obsesses over relationships and marriage to the point of idolatry. I only stumbled across it because some links were sent to me. There is a good reason to wait for a man to ask you out. Often women invest more emotionally anyway. It’s good for the man to make a bit of effort. If he really is interested he will approach you as Lerato has highlighted.

      The problem is patience and for women to stop wrapping up their contentment and self-worth in ‘catching that man’. There is plenty more to life. From a Christian perspective the bible says ‘He who finds a wife…’. I think this works best for the reason I stated above…too often women are putting too much emphasis/effort/anxiety into getting a man. That kind of desperation does not command respect. Anything that comes too readily, you’re likely to take it for granted or disregard it. Let marriage find you at God’s appropriate time. In the meanwhile, for goodness sake get a hobby or something but stop this idolisation of romantic relationships. It’s not the end of the world if you are single. The bible celebrates singleness. Men and women should be able to interact without a relationship having to enter the equation.

      It’s this kind of thing that causes women unnecessary anxiety. The world is unkind enough to singles as it is. As a church we should not be adding to this. We are meant to be counter-cultural, not looking for ways to ‘spiritualise’ worldly ideals.

      Lerato my lady, you speak sense as always but guarding the heart from those fantasties is tough. These sorts of external pressures do not help either.

      Shalom x

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