When It Isn’t Clear He’s ‘the One’
“Dear Ruthie, I recently came across your post “How Do I Know if He’s The One?” and it really opened my eyes to my current relationship. When I see some of his personality I know that he probably isn’t the one that I should be with. But he is so selfless and is always putting my needs first. We’ve been through a lot together–hard things that I wouldn’t have made it through if he wasn’t by my side. The dilemma I am having is do I overlook the bad in him and accept him or should I move on with my life?”
“Hi Ruthie, so some days I think my boyfriend is ‘the One’ but other days it isn’t so clear. I have prayed but don’t feel like God is answering me. Brian* is wonderful and smart and will be the best dad. He’s good to me, respects my boundaries, my family loves him . . . but he also has a slight temper and doesn’t really understand why I don’t want him to pursue becoming an actor. I don’t want to squash his dreams, but I also don’t want all the financial pressure to be on me. Help! How do I really know if we’re meant to be? I love him literally with all my soul, so it’s near impossible to think about breaking it off . . .”
One of the biggest decisions we make in life is choosing the person we marry.
Lately, I’ve received many emails like the two above from women who are unclear if the man they are dating is ‘the One’. In the past, emails about this topic containing more than 300 words were almost always cases where the questioner needed to read It’s Time for a Breakup or You’re Dating Mr. Wrong If . . . and end the relationship. But recently, the emails and questions haven’t been so clear.
Here are some common questions:
- Do doubts mean he isn’t the man I’m supposed to marry?
- If there aren’t any red flags and I have doubts, does that just mean I’m scared of commitment? Should I push through and get married?
- I love everything about him, except for his job. How important is his ability to make money on my future marital happiness?
- He’s not perfect, but neither am I. How do I know if the good outweighs the bad?
- If I don’t “just know” like everyone says, does that mean I’m with the wrong person?
- Will my doubts go away with time? Will I one day wake up and “just know”?
My good friend asked Michael the other day if he had confirmation from God that he was to marry me. Michael’s response shocked me. He said, “God let me choose. And I chose Ruthie. And I still choose her every day.”
Michael went on to explain that he doesn’t always think God speaks clearly, but instead gives us discernment to make a good decision. One that we can live with and not turn around and blame him if things don’t work out like we hoped. Michael told my friend he doesn’t believe there is one right person for everyone. It was a little hard for me to hear his admission (part of me wanted to jump up from the couch shouting “but I’m you’re soul mate!!”), but he’s right. We don’t believe in soul mates, any more than we do in one right career path for everyone.
So how do you know if he’s “the One”? Sometimes you don’t. Some couples will have the overwhelming feeling of being made for each other and others will struggle with doubt and uncertainty about making the choice. I don’t know if the person you are dating is the One for you, but I challenge you to pray. Really pray for God to bring up any red flags that you may be overlooking and perhaps give you a glimpse into your future with this person.
For me, I was dating a wonderful man for about 8 months and I remember praying over and over about whether or not he was the man I should marry. He had all the boxes checked, he was kind, and he loved Jesus. But when I prayed for a glimpse into our future together, I didn’t like what I saw. It wasn’t horrible, but it also wasn’t what I wanted either.
Sometimes you just need to weigh your options, recognize that no one is perfect, and chose to be with the person you love. Other times, the right thing to do is walk away when you don’t feel like you can choose that person every day, for the rest of your life.
You don’t always choose who you fall in love with, but you do get to choose who you stay in love with. And that’s the most life-giving decision of all.
What about you? Did you have doubts before you married? Did you end a relationship because you were unclear?
If you liked this post, you may also like:
- Real Men Don’t Text Book Club
- It’s Time For a Breakup
- You’re Dating Mrs. Wrong If. . .
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