20 Great Questions to Ask Your Spouse


Husband and Wife

Photo Credit: Creative Commons, Tavallai

It’s easy to get in a rut with our spouse and stop moving forward in our relationship. I don’t think you stumble your way into a great marriage. On the contrary, it takes work!

Michael and I are constantly working on our communication and learning how to love each other better. It’s funny how the farther we move into marriage, the more we discover how different we are. Just as one small example, we learned in our first year of marriage that I wake up every Saturday morning with the question, “What will I accomplish today?” Michael wakes up and asks the question, “How will I enjoy this day?” As you can imagine, our different expectations can make for some misunderstanding.

I asked Michael most of these questions over the weekend (doing them all in one sitting is a little ambitious!) and it brought us closer. We also learned things about each other that we didn’t know before, like Michael wants to write a book for men and he didn’t know that spending time with him had brought me the more joy than anything else . The key to asking these questions is to keep an open mind, take off your defensive hat, and make sure both of you are in a good place. Time and place is key in having a deeper discussion (i.e. don’t ask these questions when your spouse is in a bad mood or has their head on the pillow).

Enjoy and let me know if these bring on good discussion!

20 Great Questions to Ask Your Spouse:

  1. How can I love you better?
  2.  Do you feel heard in our relationship?
  3. What has brought you the most joy recently?
  4. What is your biggest goal for this year? How can I help you achieve this?
  5. What do you need my help with?
  6. Do I give you enough space to be you?
  7. How’s our sex life for you?
  8. What’s one thing I can do to take a burden off you?
  9. What hobbies do you wish we could do together?
  10. Do you feel respected when we’re in public?
  11. Do you feel loved when we’re together?
  12.  What is your favorite thing about yourself?
  13.  Do you think we have a good division of labor in our marriage?
  14. What could I do to make you feel more understood?
  15.  Am I doing anything that is driving you crazy?
  16.  Is there anything we need to discuss?
  17. How can I pray for you?
  18.  What is one thing you’d like to do before we have kids?
  19. What desires do you have that we haven’t discussed?
  20.  Am I meeting your expectations?

Anything else you would add? What did you learn about your spouse by asking these questions? Did it bring you closer?

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4 Responses to “20 Great Questions to Ask Your Spouse”
  1. Felicia says:

    I would put ” How can I pray for you?” at number one. My husband and I will be married twenty-seven years in January, with ups and downs early on in our marriage. I pray a lot for him now, as he has a difficult job as an elementary special education teacher. But I wish I had not been so focused on myself when I was younger, with somewhat immature, romanticized ideas about marriage and unrealistic expectations about our life together. God knows our needs before we even ask Him and tells us to come boldly before the throne of grace! That will always be the best thing we can do for our hubbies or loved ones.

  2. Natalie says:

    Thanks, Ruthie to share!! I will definitely try these questions!! Thanks for answering to my non-communication-major request!! I now think communication is a good major after all, :-)

  3. So good to see folks who have come through storms and live to excitedly share that the storms did not wreck your relationships.

    Good questions. I like your approach to speaking and your writing interests.

    Jerry – Encouraging husbands to Crack The Marriage Code

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  1. […] This list of 20 questions from Ruthie Dean is the one I used Friday night. (Obviously number 18 isn’t applicable to us, […]

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