Last week, I wrote Never Have I Ever : Unveiling Promiscuity where I discussed pain as a driving reason behind promiscuity. Daddy issues & sexual abuse were two of the stories I heard over and over from promiscuous women. Today, I want to continue the discussion-because I believe it is vital to understand another component of a woman’s sexual choices.
“I have to fight the urge to want to be like them….they were wanted by somebody. It is so tempting to give in, to feel beautiful and desired by someone again,” one woman confessed.
I know what it feels like to be told by friends, “If I was a guy, I would be totally into you”. It’s not helpful, is it? If I’m so so “pretty & awesome” then why isn’t anyone asking me out? When I was single, these talks often made me feel worse because I didn’t want 10 friends (even male friends) dishing out compliments. I just wanted to be picked by one man. I wanted someone (NORMAL) to find my forgetfulness charming & who thought my tone-deaf singing was endearing. Have you ever felt this way before? Like you are shouting “for goodness sakes SOMEONE PICK ME!” ?
As women, we were created with a desire to be desired. Little girls often put on dresses spin in front of their father’s and ask, “Am I beautiful?” This part of us-the part where we long to be chosen and found beautiful-can feel like a curse. You must understand that your longing to be loved & chosen by a man is normal. You are not desperate or pathetic. However, it is vital make sense of this aspect of who we are because it can lead to unhealthy places.
Three places unmet desires with men often lead women:
Promiscuity. It’s easy to think that by giving in sexually, men will desire us & the aching question “Will someone pick me?” will be satisfied. Especially in a culture where we hear things like “men think about sex every 3 seconds” and the media incessantly tells and shows us how to seduce. I distinctly remember a friend’s words after having a one night stand: “I just feel so empty…so used.” She slept with someone because she was sick of being alone & wanted to be desired.
Pretending to be someone you’re not. Be yourself in relationships & don’t try to morph into someone different for a man. Down the road, physical attraction fades and the truth comes out. If you aren’t into fishing, or bar hopping, or living overseas be upfront about it! Physical attraction isn’t everything. Being best friends is what will make your relationship last and stand the test of time along with cute interns who know all the football scores & sensitive men who are passionate about moving abroad.
“I don’t care” attitude. It’s easy after years of waiting or rejection to start to not give a d*&% whether or not a man notices you. Oftentimes the way this presents itself is through “letting oneself go”. I get it. I put on 25+ pounds in China and didn’t even try to look presentable because I just didn’t care anymore. Maybe you feel like you will never look good enough? God created you beautiful, dear sister. Believe it and don’t compare yourself. Another way the “I don’t care attitude” is shown is through an abrasive attitude. Men confess they are instantly unattracted to a woman with a disrespectful attitude. The “I don’t care” attitude only numbs your desires and pushes men away.
The good news today is I cannot promise you a date for Valentine’s Day. But I can share with you that you are desired. By a high King, who calls you by name. He desires to be in a relationship with you-to know the good…the bad…and especially the quirky parts of you. He loves that you have bad breath in the morning, can’t go a day without dessert, and have no shame singing Lady Gaga at the top of your lungs. For today, let that be enough.
Have you found yourself in one of these places? What are some other coping mechanisms women use for their unmet desire for love?