10 Reasons He’s Not Calling You


Waiting by the Phone

Photo Credit: My 10 Online

What could possibly have gone wrong? I wondered, pondered, prayed, and even once yelled hoping my empty apartment would provide an answer.

The date was perfect from my opinion, he even said he ‘couldn’t wait to see me again”. The first few days after the date, I entered an intense period of self-examination. The kind of intense that required a lot of ice cream. I assumed he was intimidated by me, or maybe it was a bad time, or maybe he wanted to take things slowly. After several days finally came crashing down on the conclusion he thought I was fat or perhaps the zit on my chin grossed him out. Which led to days of wallowing in self-hatred.

I think we’ve all been there. Whether we try to decipher why our crush hasn’t yet figured out he needs to take us on a date or why a guy we thought we had a great time with (GASP). . . doesn’t call back. Rejection can knock the wind out of us.

In writing Real Men Don’t Text, I’ve set out to read every great relationship book available. One of my favorites is Have Him at Hello . The author, Rachel Greenwald, spent years interviewing men why they didn’t call a woman back. She compared the men’s reasons with the women’s and found a startling statistic: women were wrong about the man’s reason for not calling again 90% of the time. In fact, 78% of women assumed a man didn’t call back for reasons beyond her control, yet only 15% of men agreed with this assertion. Through a ten-year interview project, she discovered the reason you aren’t getting asked out on dates or the reason he never called again might be more in your hands than you ever thought.

Rachel grouped the men’s responses into 10 types of women who don’t get called back. The part I love about this list is they are all aspects that can be easily altered through self-awareness. For me personally, I think I came across in several dates as “The Flasher” because I tend to be an oversharer. This list might prove helpful as you pinpoint what ‘type’ you tend to lean towards, so hopefully you can alter your words, behavior, and demeanor for your next date.

10 Reasons He’s Not Calling You

1.) He’d rather hire you than date you. You were argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, or too independent. Steve Harvey in Act Like a Lady, talks about the importance of a man feeling needed in your life. Don’t: brag about your career, cut him off, wear a power-suit, make him feel like he’s on the stand. (The Boss Lady)

2.) You bored him to tears. The date wasn’t bad, it was just boring. You lack enthusiasm, opinion, a good joke, and pizazz. (The Blahs)

3.) You advertised (usually through a younger, slimmer version of yourself) and promised something you’re not. (The Bait & Switcher).

4.) You make him wonder if he can afford you. You asked leading questions to try to figure out his salary. (The Park Avenue Princess)

5.) You interviewed him. Your biological clock is ticking and you wanted to figure out how he is with his mother, how he feels about kids, and if he’d consider moving to support a family. (The Closer).

6.) You overshared. Again, he doesn’t need to know you are in AA or about your dysfunctional childhood (The Flasher). For more on this read,  Are You Oversharing? 

7.) You were rude to people around you, impatient, and quick to snap. ( The B***-in-Boots)

8.) You complained. A lot. You talked about how you hate your job, your roommate, and thinking about the future (Debbie Downer).

9.) You talked about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriends. (The Ex-Factor)

10.) You questioned him excessively, were a bad listener, or talked about yourself  the majority of the time (The One-Way Street)

What would you add to the list? Anyone willing to share a story about a mistake you made?

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39 Responses to “10 Reasons He’s Not Calling You”
  1. Kathryn says:

    I’m definitely not perfect, BUT I seriously am not making any of those mistakes. I don’t think “he’s” calling me because I’m hard to get and won’t just be his last minute booty call. Sorry…was that too blunt? Ha! Maybe, I’m a little bitter at the lack of decent men out there!

    I know there are some other single ladies reading this thinking, “I am smart, easy to be around, clean, family-oriented, attractive…yet no man is calling me.” Amen????!!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Kathryn! I’m sure MANY women can relate to your feelings. Sometimes we just need to be patient, which I know is the last thing you want to hear from someone who is married. And to John’s point, I think it’s valid. Michael was actually writing about that just the other day for our book…

      • eve says:

        Hi Ms. Ruthie Dean.

        I’m a highly educated, attractive woman. and I”m a very nice person too. I just had a 2nd date with someone I really truly liked. I liked him so much that I was a bit quiet, shy and not myself..He kissed me on the 2nd date and even said i was a good kisser and I had to eventually leave for work in the morning..he said to me “let me know if you want to come hang out with me and my friends at the house this weekend” I said ok and I left.. usually he texts me every day since I met him 2 weeks ago.. but I havent heard from him in 2 days..today i sent him a text saying hello handsome do you want to catch a movie later..he didnt respond… the last text he sent me was glad you came over was 2 days ago..i replied dinner was great, thank you..he said gnite… but havnet heard from him in 2 days..he lives 3 hours away and comes to town on weekends..i’m just hurt and
        i’m really surprised he told me i was rare bc smart and pretty and he really seemed like he liked me..i wonder if its because i was a bit tired, shy, quiet and he is outgoing thats why he didnt respond…. i’m really bummed because i really like him..not sure what to do… hes the first guy i have met that actually is mentally, financially stable and tall which I like becaus i’m tall… i met him on an online dating site by the way… do you have any advice for me? i had butterflies and chills down my spine when he kissed me..i hadnt been out on a date in so long….thank you for your time..

      • Angel says:

        Hi Ms Ruthie I have been talking to a guy since september 26th via email i gave him my number and he finally texted me october 12th 2014 he’s in the military he has a daughter im 30 he’s 42 he’s told me that he would take his daughter on our first couple of dates to ease my mind cause im scared ive never had a boyfriend never had kids and i really feel like this is it he told me he would help me get a life take me camping fishing ect we had a date wednesday but it rained so couldn’t go another date sunday but i had a death in the family and couldn’t go i talked to him last on the 18th and its the 21st no word since and we’re supposed to go out this coming saturday the 25th what should i do ive never been on a date and ive never liked a guy this much before

  2. John S. says:

    Kathryn-you do sound bitter, just from a man’s perspective-I wonder if men are picking up on that? Just a thought. Don’t shoot the messenger, please.

    • Adam says:

      I have to agree with John here…if you are mad about the ‘lack of men’ it tends to show. I’ve been on several dates with women who were just pissed off that they were “old” and “single”-so pissed off that it showed through our conversation that was dripping with sarcasm.

      • stubborn says:

        To some extent i agree, however i do not understand the need for women to hog a man, the entire thought of hanging over the phone in case someone calls is depressing and undermines general human value. Yes, women are actually more than birth machines and sex dolls. It should be completely obvious that if something is important in a girls life, then that is what she will talk about. I find that many men just do not try to participate or encourage positive conversations. They just sit around thinking and are clearly uninterested in what is being said without at all trying to contributing, not even with a tiny joke.

        A conversation is more than a monologue, if you want a conversation which is useful to both parties, it would be wise to consider engaging in it also by taking control and steering it in a direction which seems suitable also for the men. This is in fact not a 100% a girls responsibility, but should be devided between to two people holding the conversation. this blog defines everything to be a girls responsiblity, which is idiotic.. it takes two to tango.

  3. Andrea says:

    OH NO. Must buy this book ASAP. I’m definitely the INTERVIEWER!!!!!! I ask questions as a part of my job and it’s hard for me to switch out of that mode…..

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Don’t worry, Andrea . . . the reason I shared this list is because they are all easily fixable! I’ve made many of these mistakes myself. It’s helpful to hear feedback (from 10,000 men the author polled) isn’t it?

  4. Rachel says:

    To Kathryn-
    I completely agree- I skimmed over the entire list thinking “nope. don’t do any of that”… so, whats the problem?

    Most have told me “you send off the friend vibe” whatever that is. I have been told this by, I kid you not, at LEAST 29 fraternity boys, foreigners, and friends alike. I could never figure it out. So “girl-next-door-cute” and “cute friend” can never intersect? WHAT DO YALL WANT FROM ME?
    Then a very blunt German told me something (probably the only reason being that he is German and his social rules are different) that stuck with me. “I had NO IDEA you liked him! He tried so hard to hang out with you and date you but he thought you were uninterested” I was shocked. I thought the cute outfits, the casual run-ins, the late night convos, etc was evident enough. I realized that I strive with everything in me to NOT be the interviewer, the princess, the attention whore, the one who falls in love with everyone, the flirt, the slut, that I don’t give off ANY vibe to an interested gentleman except the cool-as-a-cucumber, friends-with-everyone, talks-with-everyone, loves-a-great-time, but probably-not-interested-in-me . Guys take the cues when they get one, but if they don’t they usually aren’t bold enough.
    This is of course my personal experience, but I learned a lot about myself because of that German bluntness. Although the men in Turkey here are scarce, when I do find a nice English native Im interested in, Im gonna give it a shot :)

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Rach! I love this comment. For you, and probably MANY OTHERS, you just haven’t met the right guy yet. Seriously, since I know you so well (everyone-she’s my sister) I know you aren’t doing anything wrong. You haven’t had men lined up asking for your number but that’s because you are doing everything right. Your confident, friendly, fun, pretty, etc, etc. That is interesting that your German friend came out and told you you weren’t giving off a vibe. Maybe you need a lesson in flirting-not sure! You do have an uber cool vibe, so I wonder if guys think you are too cool for them…?

      Thanks for commenting!

  5. Jamie says:

    Great list. I’m kindof in agreeance with Rachel & Kathryn-what if I’m doing everything right (aka “cool-as-a-cucumber” like Rachel said:)?

    I really think men base most of their dating decisions on attraction, a.k.a sex. . . at least in my experience.

  6. Rhonda says:

    Hmm, I hate lists…sorry but I do. But I love you, Ruthie;) ALL THE GOOD MEN ARE TAKEN. That’s the answer. Most women aren’t stupid-we know what guys want/don’t want. I find it hard to believe Rachel (the author of the book) polled 10,000 men.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Thanks for sharing honestly, Rhonda! It can be frustrating when we feel like there are no good men out there-but keep your standards high and pursuing God’s will for YOU, regardless of what men are (or aren’t) on the horizon. It’s really hard to understand why God tells us to wait…I’m sorry that you are in this place.

    • m@ says:

      “All the good men are taken”

      ….thanks. So I guess I’m bad?

      Good men often choose NOT to be taken at times, Rhonda. It’s incredible how much you can learn about yourself when you abstain from dating in order to enter a period of self-reflection.

  7. Kentucky Lady 717 says:

    I agree with Rhonda….ALL THE GOOD MEN ARE TAKEN….most men just want women for what they can get….and too many women are too freely giving it…..I have seen this all my life…….shacking up with a man for yrs…..what is wrong with these women ? Haven’t you heard the saying ? Why pay for the cow, when the milk is free ?????
    I’m from the old school and would NEVER shack up with a man….I figure if I’m good enough to go to bed with, cook for you, wash your clothes, and help pay your bills, then by heck, I’m good enough to marry…..I’d say too many SKANKS in town……and this is what most men want….notice I said MOST……there might be a few out there, but like Rhonda, I sure haven’t seen any…….

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      It’s simply not true that “all the good men are taken”. I know many good, godly single men who are waiting for the right woman to come into the picture. Men are not all out to ‘take our milk’ without putting a ring on it. I promise, they aren’t! I sense you are coming from a place of extreme frustration, so please hear that God sees and knows your pain.

  8. Scotty says:

    Wow. I’m feeling bad for the single men in this town. Now, as a 20-something female, I can tell you there are a LOT of great, single, Christian men out there. They AREN’T all taken (not by a long-shot), and we need to be so careful when talking through our pain and disappointment! I just can’t imagine my frustration if I read a blog and men were posting that “there aren’t any good single women out there” when I’m around!

    Just a suggestion to help our brothers out and not speak (or type) from a place of insecurity, disappointment, or pain without a wise filter!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Scotty-thanks for your response. I agree with you-a blanket “there are no good men out there” is never helpful-and often fuels frustration, bitterness, and resentment. As Christians we should strive to encourage our brothers and extend grace. There are bad men out there, just like there are bad women, too.

    • jeanette says:

      Hope you have the same opinion on life in another thirty years

  9. Sabrina says:

    I love the phone in the picture. My mom had a phone like that, and I’ve always thought they were elegant. However, what’s inelegant is “sitting around and waiting” for the man to call when there is a life to be lived. Why even waste time wondering? If the man is not calling you it’s pretty simple. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t like you that way. So face it, forget about the man and move on. You can be the finest Cadillac on the lot but some men want only pick up trucks. So don’t lament the fact you’re not a pick up truck. Single ladies, there’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting your precious time checking your text messages and VMs, or sitting by that “old school’ landline telephone… and just get out there and live your lives happly without the man. Don’t give any man so much power like that. If a relationship is meant to be, it will happen with no extra effort on your part. When a man wants to be with a woman, they will make the effort. It’s that simple.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Can I just say “AMEN”? :) Thanks for your comment, Sabrina.

    • Nita says:

      That’s it in a nutshell!! Love it! If a man is really interested he is going to do what it takes to get to know you, be around you, and he will definitely be making an effort. If he is not calling and setting up plans to spend some time with you, he is not interested. I just don’t know any man who is going to be indifferent to a women that he is gaga over. You surely don’t see that scenario played out in the world. Like you so wonderfully stated, it is time to get out and live the life that God has so graciously given us.

  10. I found you today through twitter. I’m always skeptical about women’s ministries. Some aren’t any different from any other ministry and others simply have wrong motives. However, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading 10 Reasons He’s Not Calling.It was funny as well as practical. I really liked #7 ! Thanks so much for posting this. God Bless;

  11. Thea says:

    I was recently told my body language was to stiff and although waiting to have sex before I get married I seem to uptight and prudish. Like he was going to rape me if I unfolded my arms.

  12. CM says:

    Hope you can assist here. Guy is wonderful, we clicked, he flirted alot, body language showed he likes me, always come up and talked to me, chatted till late every night and when I mentioned I’m going on a date with a guy friend, he seemed jealous and asked afterwards how it was, etc. We had a date – movies at my house and he held my hand, cuddled me and kissed me passionately. We didn’t eat the snacks he bought with, but said when I eat it I can think about him. Kissed and hugged me when he left. Haven’t heard anything from him following day and he’s very quiet after date – almost as if I don’t exist. So asked hom if everything okay between us, and he said yes I don’t have to worry. And then he told me about his plans and that I should bring him chocs the next time I see him. What is up with him? Is he still interested and wants space or should I forget about him. Have talked a lot the past month. Thx

  13. Melly says:

    I too need some input. Hung out, watched a movie , cuddled up and just finished the night getting to know each other and laughing. Date seemed to have gone by good. Never was there a dull moment. At the end of the night he suggested we hang out again the following week but never called back ever. I called a few days later and he just texted back to say hi. And when I replied, I got nothing. Was I coming off as some desperate chick? Just didn’t understand why he suggested to hang out again if he wasn’t even going to bother ever calling you again.

    • Nita says:

      I don’t know anything about this guy or his intentions obviously, but sometimes guys say this with no intention of following up. It’s like a generic thing to say because while you have not made any firm, definite plans, the option is still on the table should he want to hang out again. I don’t like it. I follow the rule of “Say what mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you’re gonna do.” You have only had one date, so let him continue to be the initiator for now. Don’t sit by the phone waiting for the call. Get out and live your life! If he really enjoyed your date, and wants to get to know you more he WILL call. You don’t want to invest yourself emotionally at this stage only to find he is a player or a flake.

  14. crystal says:

    I haven’t done that but I think he’s trying to avoid me but I ave no clue. But if it is true then I’ll just give him a chance to tell me when he’s ready.

  15. BESTY says:

    Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so much. in this kind of situation where one loses his/her soul mate there are several dangers engage in it. one may no longer be able to do the things he was doing before then success will be very scarce and happiness will be rare. that person was created to be with you for without him things may fall apart.
    That was my experience late last year. but thank god today i am happy with him again. all thanks to DR AKPAKPA, i was nearly loosing hope until i saw an article on how DR AKPAKPA could cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, i said to my self. i contacted him via email: [email protected]. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. i have promised to share the good news as long as i live.

  16. Lasce says:

    I enjoyed the information! However I don’t believe God desires for us ladies to question a man`s motivWhen the right one comes he will call. I see it as a mixed blessing. I’m glad when they dont call back. To be honest once they see me in person they realize that I’m not easy and but a challenge. I trust the Lords timing! The Bible states, no good thing will He withhold..

  17. Sophie says:

    I think that women should stop feeling guilty for how they feel and stop blaming themselves and stop taking responsibility for a mans’ poor or inconsiderate behavior. Also, I believe that women should take control of the communication between themselves and a man and stop listening to bogus, fictitious know-it-alls such as “Ruthie Dean” who enforce the idea that women should be “correctly” reactive to men’s behavior in the hopes of snatching one, rather than being themselves and acting according to how they feel. A woman’s feelings, emotions, and reactions to behavior are valid and should not be discounted.

  18. a guy says:

    I don’t call women back because they’re –

    -older than me
    -heavier than me
    -already have kids

  19. Gayathri says:

    Dear Ruthie
    My Parents looking for a guy for me through proposals. They 1st check horoscopes & if it is matching, we exchange our photos through FB or e-mail. Then we fix a date and meet for the 1st time with both families. Finally if he and family likes me they will inform us within few days. next step is we will call each other and meet each other .

    My issue is I have a guy witch I got through a proposal and I had gone for a 1 date with him also. Initially we started by calling each other every day after office and then he proposed me to update myself by sms witch I did. But now he is not replying for my SMSs and even not calling me after office which I had to call him every day.

    What Can I do? Please Advise???

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