Don’t Text Back [And Other Rules for Catching Mr. Right]

Audrey Hepburn

Real Men Don’t Text was read by over 2,000 people.

Thank you to everyone who read Michael’s post last week, shared it with friends, & commented. We were both blown away by the response. I’ve been observing, thinking, & praying how to follow up. A common thread I see is the incredible frustration among single women with dwindling hopes that Mr. Right even exists.

I am no expert on dating. I have only dated, observed, made mistakes, made more mistakes, listened to stories from countless women about dating pitfalls, and am now married to my tall, dark & handsome husband. I write this post because I am tired of seeing women date guys they shouldn’t be dating, settling for Mr. Wrong, & making mistakes that will hurt in the long run. Please hear I am far from perfect and have made many of these mistakes myself. Also, I really need your feedback. Let’s all help each other on this journey to find Mr. Right, shall we?

Here we go.

Don’t Text Back. Text messages and any form of social media communication should never be the way you get asked out. If a guy can’t pick up the phone and CALL you to ask you to dinner, then he’s just not that into you. The first few months of dating—guys are on the their best behavior and if text messages are the ‘best’ wooing efforts they can put forward, then they aren’t going to do ANY BETTER down the road.  PLEASE don’t make excuses for him. You deserve better.

Don’t overshare. Your I’ve never told anyone this before stories should not come until engagement is discussed. You can gradually share more intimate, personal details after you’re in a committed relationship but not before then! Over-sharing is dangerous in dating relationships, especially with discussing anything sexual in nature. He does not need to know your sexual history unless he specifically asks after you are engaged. You are forgiven for your past and it does not define you. Sharing little by little creates mystery.

Keep your clothes on. I’ve written about sex before, but this is probably the #1 pitfall women fall into on their journey to get Mr. Right to the end of the aisle. Sure most couples sleep together before marriage but it doesn’t mean you have to. Remember this post is about catching a husband, not a boyfriend. Sex outside of marriage is dangerous for several reasons. One, it’s no secret that sex creates an emotional bond with your partner making it exponentially harder should you break up. I’ve had guys break up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with them, so I’m not saying it won’t happen. But I’ve also had an unprecedented number of men tell me the “you aren’t like all the other girls. You’re different.” While I wish it was my beauty & charm I think it came down to one simple trait:  I wasn’t willing to jump into bed with them. Sure there won’t be as many guys lining up to date you, but marriage will be a different story. Keeping your clothes on will ensure he isn’t dating you just because he likes seeing you naked—and keep his intentions honorable. If you aren’t into this idea, try waiting 6 months.

No sleepovers. (even if you’re not having sex) Sleepovers easily turn into moving in together and playing house.  You don’t want to ‘play house’ with someone who might drop you when the next twenty-something receptionist starts at his office. (How many times have we seen this?) There is mystery to a woman who won’t sleep over.

Don’t move in with him. Research shows that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce. Also, if he’s living with you & getting all the perks of marriage… why would he propose?

Get out and meet new people. Attend social events even if you don’t feel like it. Try out new avenues for meeting singles—online dating, churches, adventure groups, clubs, etc. If you’re an introvert, find a ‘single buddy’ who is an extrovert and ask them to come with you. Don’t be ashamed of online dating—it’s the new norm for our generation.

Put on some lipstick. It’s no secret that guys are visual. Use this to your advantage! Wear heels. Curl your hair. Buy a new pair of skinny jeans. Hit the gym. Do whatever you need to do to feel beautiful (not seductive) and confident. There is beauty in each of us. Don’t obsess about looking like a model or squeezing into a size 4. Confidence, self-assurance and carrying yourself well will make you look radiant. “Be a creature unlike any other.” (The Rules)

“I’m beautiful and I deserve a lifetime with a man who is crazy about me.” Say it to the mirror while you squeeze into that new pair of skinny jeans and DELETE his text message.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! What do you think? Would you add or take away anything from the list? If you have something to share that would help us, please share.

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59 Responses to “Don’t Text Back [And Other Rules for Catching Mr. Right]”
  1. michael says:

    Well said my love! So blessed to be with you!

  2. 50fifty50 says:

    Good post, but can’t say I agree with this!
    No sex before marriage? In a time when sex is at it’s most socially acceptable that’s a bit stupid. 6 months is a bit better, but not so much. There will be very few ‘good’ guys that will want to marry someone who is not giving out for their own benefit.
    Dont move in with him – A guy asking a girl to move in with them is a major thing, if a girl were to say no that would definately be send the wrong signals to a bloke who would think she just isnt too keen.
    Oversharing is a good point, NO guy wants to hear about your previous sexual partners haha!
    The last point is good, girls that make effort are great. But equally, you don’t need to make yourself look beautiful all the time. More often than not, you’ll be a different, but still as beautiful woman without make up.

    • Ruthie D. says:

      Hi! I am very aware that abstinence until marriage is an idea of the past. The Bible tells Christians to wait until marriage, but a recent article in Relevant entitled (Almost) Everyone’s Doing It showed that most Christian couples are sleeping together before marriage.

      However, I have witnessed both sides and I must say those couples who waited until marriage experienced less heartbreak, confusion, infidelity, etc. (Just my observation). I think most people agree that sex outside a committed relationship can be dangerous.

      I really appreciate you sharing honestly and disagreeing! I am not claiming expertise, just writing based on my experiences & observations. If you have time, I’d love for you to listen to this pastor talk about love, sex and dating and share your opinion.

      What do others think?

      • Danelle says:

        :) “Keep from me Thy loveliest creature, till I prove Jesus’ love infinitely sweeter.” Charles Wesley
        Well said, Ruthie. It’s only by God’s grace that He allowed me to remain a virgin until marriage and oh the sweet intimacy that only married people can experience.

        • Ruthie D. says:

          Love the quote, Danelle! Thanks for continuing to be an avid reader. I’m so glad you have experienced sweet intimacy in marriage.

          Can any other married people weigh in on the subject?

          • 50fifty50 says:

            While I do not currently have time to watch that video I will make sure I do it tomorrow! I’m sure the ratio of working relationships of those who have waited until marriage to become so intimate is higher, but no doubt is it a smaller number than the much more commonly ‘done’ sex before marriage.

    • Christy says:

      Sadly 50fifty50, you’re stuck in a sad trap of society that is only going to set you up for heartbreak. Waiting to have sex until marriage is not stupid, it’s absolutely so smart. As a woman who gave herself a way far too many times, I wish so much I could have given that gift to my husband. Living with someone before marriage, is not a slap to the man, it’s standing up for your relationship and if he can’t see that, it’s better to end the relationship then vs staying with someone who doesn’t have respect for your values and wishes. If men and women had more value in themselves and in what the Lord tells us, the divorce rate would be lower, joy would be higher, and true contentment would be found much easier.

      • 50fifty50 says:

        I don’t see that I am stuck in a sad trap. Sex is more of a pleasure than a gift for many people. There are plenty other things you can keep from your future partner-in-law such as having a child. I would much rather prefer that as a gift. If you did give yourself a way to your husband before you got married, then how do you think it would have gone if you didn’t? It could have been completely different. I’m not set up for heartbreak by having sex with people who won’t wait until marriage, i’m having a good time. Whether it be with a girl I love (such as the one i’m with now), or a girl I happened to have found attractive.
        Standing up for the relationship is a bit much. You have to respect the man’s values too. I do respect what your saying about the divorce rate being lower, thats always a good thing for the future generations. However people should have the urge to do things, such as wait until marriage before giving themselves away rather than because of what religion says. I do not believe in a religion, although I do believe in aspects such as Karma and luck. Religion has never been proved, i’d encourage people to set themselves a morale code to live by.
        I do respect your views, and do not wish for you to change yourself. These are just my opinions.

        • Ruthie D. says:

          Thank you for respectfully disagreeing! It’s only through healthy debate that we can learn and grow from other people. I really apprecaite your honesty & willingness to comment. I am a Christ-follower, so the Bible very clearly says not to have sex before marriage. I’m interested in your comment, “religion has never been proven”. The cold hard evidence for me is both the unexplainable joy I’ve found since believing in Christ & the simple fact that for hundreds and hundreds of years people have sought to find Jesus’ body-to proove He didn’t rise from the dead as claimed-but no one (not the Romans immediately after his death nor anyone trying to find flaws in the Christian Gospel) has located His body. People all over the world from every generation have wanted to proove Christianity as fallacy-so don’t you think they would have found His body if He didn’t rise from the dead?

          • 50fifty50 says:

            Hey Ruthie. I hear what your saying. With the up-rise of Science, Religion has fell. Cultures around the world are no longer that religious anymore. Some stilla re however. When I say it has not been proven, I mean that really it’s a theory of how the world came to be. I know that isn’t everything that religion teaches, but there is no proof of a higher being.
            I’m a practitioner in NLP, an aspect of NLP is working with your unconcious. Much like religion, most of NLP has not been proven, however it has more so. It has shown to help and sometimes bring ‘unexplainable joy’, through state changes. To me, his body never being found is more of an indication that Jesus never existing. Also on the point of unexplainable joy. Peoples brains are crazy, when their in the womb brain cells can be developing of 250,000 a minute. Their complex, and interaction tends to create change in these cells and their connections. This unexplainable joy could come through simply a person creating this upper being in their mind whilst being completely congruent.

          • Ruthie D. says:

            Firstly, I have to say that Jesus existing as a man is not disputed by anyone. It’s the ‘did he rise from the dead?’ and ‘was this man Jesus also the Son of God’ questions that are debated.

            I researched NLP as I am not familiar with it. No disrespect, but what hope is there in believing in nothing greater than ourselves? Isn’t it a purposeless existence to live for only ourselves? That there isn’t anything greater than that which we see right in front of us?

            The Christian Gospel says if we believe in Jesus, we can have eternal life after we die. We have a greater purpose than just living and dying. Because if true joy and feeling of purpose is just science, then why does it matter if I’m kind to my neighbor or I steal from them?

          • 50fifty50 says:

            Jesus has been disputed as actually being around. Although i’m pretty sure there has been research done to suggest he did live. Whats disputed is whether he actually did anything at all, not just rise from the dead.

            What hope is there in believing there is something greater than us? NLP is not the belief of living for ourselves. I’m not sure where you have got this from.
            Sure there might be something greater than ourselves, but is it to do with religion? Is it worth committing your life to?

            Life isn’t about living and dying. It’s what you do within your life which will give you this true joy and feeling of purpose. Your brain is largely moulded by the experiences you have, with a few instincts and genetics from your parents thrown in there. Life isn’t about moral code, even though it has largely been made out to be like this through culture. Life is about survival at the root and this has been proven through many situations.

      • Ruthie D. says:

        Christy, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Kristy Maloy says:

    Love love love Ruthie! Just what I needed to hear!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Wow do sounds like an expert .i hope all your rules will work for me .
    Lately i watch this series.I think it would be helpful for you to write more about this type of articles

    • Ruthie D. says:

      HI! I love that series. Thanks for sharing. I’m definitely no expert, I promise! Thanks for reading and commenting. Do we know each other personally?

      • Tyree says:

        Everything I know and believe comes from my rehliionsatp with Christ and belief in God the father not some secularism that a lot of people believe, my heritage did not hold on to me to make me believe there way. I believe in God creator of heaven and earth and in His son Jesus Christ and the Holy Bible is my life line that I live by, I am not perfect and I still make mistakes but my faith and belief stand solid!! I will continue to believe my pastor over ignorance any day!!

  5. Kristen Murphy says:

    I think this is great advice! I may be a little old fashioned but I agree with all your points :) The only one I would add is to make an effort to maintain separate hobbies, interests, and friends after you are dating or married. It’s great to have a close bond but even better to still have independence your relationship. Glad you are doing well!!

    • Ruthie D. says:

      Hi Kristen-agreed! I actually have another post coming this week with ‘rules’ I couldn’t fit into this post.

      Does anyone have any other ‘dos or don’ts’ they think I should add?

  6. snookums709 says:

    Dear Ruthie,
    Just want to share with you that both my brother’s (born 1932, born 1941) know Gentleman’s Ettique or manners and have always used them. It is wonderful to be treated with respect and like a lady.
    You may not agree with me but I believe that women who are wanting to find a husband would benefit from going to the Bible because God specifically states what to look for in a husband and what to look for in a wife. Also, God tells men and women how to treat their spouses. Check it out and add it on to your tips that you are offering your followers that are seeking what you have found for yourself. In Christ’s Love, Martha

    • Ruthie D. says:

      HI Martha,

      I agree! The Bible is where I get my ‘handbook for relationships’ so to speak. However, I didn’t want to convulude the arguement by making it only apply to Christians! I think my “rules” for catching Mr. Right apply to both religious and nonreligious people. Wouldn’t you agree?

      Thankful for chivalrous men like your brothers!

      • alissajean says:

        Hi! Just found this post through somebody sharing “real men don’t text” on FB, and I was totally intrigued…. Thanks for sharing your perspective. In reply to your comment above, yes! People should be intelligent about dating regardless of their religious beliefs! Although I am a Christian personally, I appreciate a writer who is able to avoid being too “Christian-ey” (sorry if that’s offensive to any other Christians out there!).

        In closing… some real men do text! I think the important thing is that it should only be ONE method that a well-rounded communicator uses. But that’s coming from a COM grad student and communications professional addicted to all forms of communication and also prone to over-sharing {as you also mention above}, so take it for what it’s worth ;-)

        • Ruthie Dean says:

          Hi Alissa! Glad you found my blog. Texting is definitely an acceptable form of communication in certain situations. But a general guidelines my husband and I like to tell people is text messages should always be supplemental to face-to-face and phone calls-less than 20% of your communication. Thoughts?

          Thanks for commenting!

  7. Natalie says:

    Love your comments/suggestions, you are a really expert, I don’t know how to survive without you, haha~ Though the first one is hard to keep, and I still need to find my lipsticks…but I know your points are right! You are a role model for me, I’ve seen God’s work on your dating process with Michael~

  8. Mona says:

    Hey Ruthie where are all the other comments ? I know I wrote one and do not see it on here…….

  9. chelsea says:

    I like this, though I find it ironic that it’s classy Audrey from Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and she slept over at her neighbor’s house one of the first days they met. xD

  10. Corley says:

    Just came across this post (and the ‘real men don’t text’ post), and I agree with everything that you and your husband said! I just wanted to point out, though, that in a culture where it’s now normal for relationships to begin online, it doesn’t seem consistent to then say that real men don’t text or facebook. The guy I’m dating right now is THE most chivalrous man I have ever met, and he first asked me out via facebook. Now, he called soon afterward and we talk on the phone nearly every day (we live 2 hours apart). I’m not disagreeing with you, just saying that there’s a fine line when it comes to the combination of relationships and technology.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Corley! Yes, we aren’t drawing a hard and fast line…it’s just a great way to market the concept that is men need to step up and pursue and not succumb to laziness.

      I’m glad you enjoyed both posts! Glad you have found a good one:)

    • wiseup85 says:

      I believe there is a fine line. There’s men that text. And keep it that way. Then there’s men that Text and gradually move up to something more organic like calling or even going out to dinner. There are men that send one line texts, that don’t even proofread or do spell-checks. <<< That right there is lack of "Virtual Chivalry" (New Blog Topic??? lol). Then there are men who actually take their time to communicate with you.

      So yes, you can say "Real Men don’t Text," And "Real People aren’t afraid of Online Dating," and still make sense. I believe that Chivalry has transcended the times. It still exists, it just evolved.

      I have dabbled in the "online Christian Dating Scene," and this is what I learned: There are people who just write stuff, then there are people who write profiles that impact you. There are people who write emails like this: "You’re hot, praise God, lets meet." Then there are people who write emails like this: "Wow, thats amazing that you do this and that, I once did this and that, I disagree with your love for cats, I think they are evil, and that quote you put was… etc."

      I am a "texter", a writer, a "typer", I can express myself through paper in a way that I feel is beyond possible through a face to face conversation. (Yes, I know I need to work on this, it really holds me back lol.)

      But when I read a phrase like "Real Men Don’t Text." I’m not offended. Because as someone who is more of a writer than a talker, I can tell you there are men who put no effort into a text, but won’t call you either. Those are the guys you have to avoid. But then there are guys that can pour their heart and soul into a text, but are afraid to call because they feel they don’t speak clearly enough. Those are "Worthy Guys" that need to be hatched out their shells lol. Of course, it’s best to let them hatch on their own, or else they will not develop properly. Ugh thats another topic.. I digress!!


      My Name is Jose Sanchez and I approve this article!! lol.

      • Ruthie Dean says:

        Hi Jose! I want to write a whole post on “give the nice guys a chance!”. Of course texting is fine in the right circumstances…but we are merely pointing to the fact that it seems to communicate a lack of thought/effort. Relationships are built on face-to-face interaction-so it’s important to get there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  11. Lerato Chaba says:

    I agree with Corley and I’m not too sure about online dating. I fear that it would communicate lack of faith an impatience… The again God can use any means to lead us to our life spouses (husband in my case hopefully soon).

    I am encouraged by both yours and Deans post. It sounds pleasantly awesome in theory, but I dont see knights in shinning amours, chivalry is rather far too gone in my Christian community.

    I think we ought to touch on the fact that unbelieving men/guys (for the wrong reasons) pursue us christian gals well… Wolves in sheep clothing most of the time, but not always.

    Tricky situation, but we need to remember in Whom we believe and that relationships do not mean we have finally arrived and can “now” live.

    It’s sometimes really hard to believe my husband is coming, but should “he” not pitch, my fulfilment, hope and identity is constantly and completely still in Christ who has saved me from much.

    Very thankful for your post. It has encouraged me dearly.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Lerato, I’m glad you were encouraged by the post. Something you touched on that I wanted to validate is we do need to be careful and guard our hearts because I’ve heard too many stories where men aren’t who they say they are (ie wolves in sheep clothing). And unfortunately MOST of the stories I’ve heard are about men who were supposedly Christians. Anyways, stand strong and do not let your relationship status define your worth or your identity. Keep building His Kingdom whether or not a husband is on the horizon.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Wow. How very 1950’s of you. Please recheck your “research” because living together has nothing to do with divorce rates anymore. That’s a hangover from when that was a liberal thing to do and only liberals got divorced. I have to say, it makes me sad to see advice like this still rampant.

    • Bethsaida says:

      Hi anonymous,

      I’m curious to know where you found your research countering this fact? I actually did a paper myself in college a couple years ago, and found that the rates of divorce are higher for couples who live together before marriage, as it boils down to this very simple and yet profound concept.

      When living together, and no commitment, each person’s mentality is ” i do what’s good for me.”, but when you get married the proper mentality is “i do what’s good for my spouse.”

      It makes it more difficult to switch from one mindset to the other when you are used to the same living environment, which is why the divorce rates are higher. if the marriage isn’t working due to the “single” mindset, then it’s easier to just call it quits.

      When we’re single we have more leeway to be selfish.. but in marriage.. selflessness is the only thing that will keep it together.

      • Ruthie Dean says:

        Thanks for sharing, Bethsaida. I have also done research on the topic and she is right, anonymous! Of course there are always outside factors, but there is definitely a strong correlation between couples who live together before marriage and get divorced.

        I’d love to see your paper, Bethsaida…interesting topic. What else did you find?

  13. Franz says:

    Hmmm, I found this article interesting… I’ll use it as a guidance for dating. Haha…
    I am still young.. Just turned eighteen (yay!) and I haven’t any relationship before, so I kind of not knowing what to do with men( I am a girl, btw). Once a boy asked me out via text, I said no. I am glad I did that. My friends thought I should say yes since he is Christian too (we are minority here, so low chances on that). But I barely knew him. Now after reading your article, I can answer back my friends who ask me why I did that. So thank you for writing this article. I will wait for Mr. Right and I shall endeavour to be his Mrs. Right!

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Franz! Glad you enjoyed the article. It’s so important to wait for the RIGHT guy-even if it means staying single all through college! Look at the long-term picture when all your friends tell you to throw your standards out the window. I wish I knew this truth at your age, but hopefully you can learn now. Good for you for not having a relationship yet! Stand strong, sister. The right man will come.

  14. Candice says:

    I agree with most of this article, BUT I have to say that………..If a Man would discount a woman for a meaningful relationship, just because she has sex with him……….he is NOT a real man and is NOT worth her time! There are PLENTY of Spiritual, Godly Women, who DO have a sexual relationship with their mate’s before they get married. I’m Sorry….It’s Not the woman’s job to abstain from sex ALL her life and be a “Symbol of Purity” that determines whether or not the relationship is worthwhile! What some people don’t realize is…..the theory of waiting to have sex until marriage is great until reality sets in and women realize that finding a man who is even worthy of marrying in the first place is very rare (even in the church this is rare)……Not to mention the fact, that unless you want to rush into marriage, it can take YEARS of dating to determine whether or Not you have met the person you feel you are meant to marry. A HUGE THING that Women also DON’T Realize, is that while we are “Holding Out” on sex and being Abstinant in order to show Men that we are good enough to marry……….The men are Sleeping with Another Woman (or Several other Women) On The Side, while they are “Courting” us and Pretending to Be Satisfied with Not being able to have sex with us! If you don’t believe me………..Just take a moment to think about the society we live in for a minute and ask yourself if you know your man’s whereabouts every minute of the day! Most Grown Women Cannot Appreciate Being Abstinant For Years At A Time! Why Should Women Waste All Of Their Beautiful, Young, Vibrant Years Being Abstinant While They Wait For A Husband That They May Or May Not Find? This is cute for a while………but after a year or more of abstinance and once a woman reaches her 30’s and she still hasn’t found a husband…..she gets a little tired of Not being touched! The Other Issue With Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex, Is The Fact That Some People Rush Into Marriage Just So They Can Have Sex……And This Is No Good Either! Then You Have A Huge Problem On Your Hands Also!!! The Important thing is that the woman finds a MATURE Man, who can appreciate an adult relationship and not judge her for having sex with him. I Believe That God Knows What Is In Our Hearts And He Will Bless Us In Other Ways If We At Least Try To Pursue Love! This doesn’t mean that Women or Even men, should just be promiscous AND It Doesn’t Mean A Woman Should Just Move In With A Man, BUT 2 mature adults should be able to handle a relationship and plan a future with one another As Well as have a loving, intimate, physical relationship at the same time. The truth is…….if a man is going to loose respect for a woman simply because She agrees to have sex with him…………he will loose respect for her even if she makes him wait 2 years before having sex! This is also the type of man that has a mental problem of some kind and truly misunderstands how to determine the value of a real woman. This type of guy is also the type of man that will be very controlling and judgmental during a marriage. Ladies….if you meet a man like this……..RUN!!!! ALSO, Men Need To Realize that just because a Woman Appears to Abstain from Sex (because you also never know if she is being honest) DOESN’T automatically mean that she is a Good woman, who is truly the best choice for you to marry either.

  15. Angelica says:

    Hi Ruthie!

    I’m a young 26 yo lady and my mom sent me to your blog after I had a tough time releasing someone who I cared a lot about. These tips are great, tride and true. I’ve had my experience with using these rules and slipping on them. They definitely do work and we’re worth the WORK!


  16. Faye says:

    Dear Mrs. Dean,
    After reading this article as a feminist and a nonvirgin I would like to respectfully critique it.
    This post focuses a lot on women’s bodies not as a healthy part of who we are, but as an instrument to attract men and a path to marriage. Though at the end of your post you tell us “There is beauty in each of us” you say this after advising your readers to “Wear heels. Curl your hair. Buy a new pair of skinny jeans.” According to you, mr. right should be a man who loves us not for what we wear, but for the “beauty IN each of us” not outside of us. We should not have to depend on “heels,” curled hair, skinny jeans and lipstick in order to attract this man. In fact, a man who is attracted to us because we look this way may in fact be the type of man you warned against the one who is “dating you just because he likes seeing you naked.”
    In all honesty a loving, caring partner should like us without us having to “hold out.”
    Any “Mr.Right” who judges me because I have had sex with him is not right for me, nor should he be right for anyone as he is only assisting in the persistence of the sexual double standard.
    By viewing the body as an instrument of attraction and as something that should be withheld we are distancing ourselves from God’s gift: our body and it’s sensations. We need to worry less about our looks and about whether or not we are having sex and more on important things like our mind and our personality. Because it is our mind and our personality, not our bodies that will attract mr. (or misses!) right.

    • Lily says:

      Amen to this. I was nodding and taking it in (tue original article) until I got to this point, then I just dismissed the entire article, because I no longer had respect for the author on this level. I couldn’t help it. There are all levels of feminists, I’m sure even Ruthie considers herself one, but part of my sex addiction recovery was denouncing outward appearances as a way to lure men. The men I subsequently found that were attracted to me respected me more because I didn’t flaunt my figure, but I still took care of myself. I wear makeup now, and dress in a way that flatters my figure, but I wear it for me and because it makes me happy. I certainly don’t do it every day. I work with sex offenders. I know their triggers. I dress like a man five days a week and still attract good men.

  17. Emily says:

    hi Ruthie,
    I find myself coming back to your blog occasionally, Im 18 and still feel many of your posts are helpful. I may only be 18, not even graduated yet, barely an adult, but so much of what you say I find relatable. (And yes, I over share.) Looking for any helpful words… This may sound typical but its a first for me… I’m on and off with a close guy friend that has turned into more. This time I really let my guard down, opened up and I don’t doubt for a second I fell in love. We have always told eachother we would be there no matter what. Well he bailed… again. I don’t doubt he loves me like he SOMETIMES claims, but he clearly struggles with his past experiences growing up, drugs, and in my opinion just gets lost in the mix of well his life and personal demons. It’s like he’s trying to prove something through his daily actions. One day he loves me the next he wants nothing todo with me. I have been sexually active in the past, so has he, but never with one another.. Thankfully, that would make this a million times harder. I am heartbroken, and openly tell him that. I know I look like that pathetic girl but I don’t really care. I find myself crying and just asking… more like begging god for help and strength as I pray for this guy’s own peace, happiness and for him to see god’s light. I am more mature and have a different mindset compared to your average 18 year old due to what ive taken out of my experiences, I would say. I know I’m young, but I don’t look for a temp. boyfriend to fill a gap in my heart, or space in my bed. I’d rather keep an eye out for someone who I genuinely can see myself with, and this guy I just am not ready to stop fighting for. I never claim to be perfect, I try to be aware of my own issues, and will see a counselor in the future because I think its necessary… However spite my past struggles and what Ive carried to present day I know I am not a terrible person and I will continue to grow as a person. I know I deserve to be treated better than how it is now, but I am still being that annoying girl who just wants my best friend back. I feel foolish, I’m a bit stuck and just trying to keep my head on as straight as possible, with the hope that if we cant manage to work it out, I am able to let it go and get back to myself. A bit of rambling, hopefully you are able to get the gist a bit. Please, any advise couldn’t possibly hurt :)

  18. hello says:

    soo.. does the texting rule apply to someone in high school?

  19. Sean says:

    So online dating is the new norm, but texting is the devil? That seems like an unbalanced view to me.

  20. Karl says:

    Wait…. the girl’s past (of riding the hit-parade of one-night-stands) doesnt define her? That’s like saying that we shouldn’t put sexual predators onto a publicly available list. Why would ***their*** past define ***them***?!?

    If a VIRGIN refuses to sleep with a new guy friend, that means she is being strongly consistent. If a NON-virgin refuses to sleep with a new guy (now that’s she’s in her early 30’s and Desperate)….. that meanss she’s looking for a chump who will pay a high price for used goods that used to get past around at a VERY low price.

    Your blog is for women and you have every right to coach women on how to deceive gullible guys into putting a ring on it. But the manosphere is working overtime to make sure that these guys do NOT get deceived.

    And it is not the 30-something men who aree getting desperate with a capital D.

  21. Karl says:

    Wait…. the girl’s past (of riding the hit-parade of one-night-stands) doesnt define her? That’s like saying that we shouldn’t put sexual predators onto a publicly available list. Why would ***their*** past define ***them***?!?

    If a VIRGIN refuses to sleep with a new guy friend, that means she is being strongly consistent. If a NON-virgin refuses to sleep with a new guy (now that’s she’s in her early 30’s and Desperate)….. that means she’s looking for a chump who will pay a high price for used goods that used to get passed around at a VERY low price.

    Your blog is for women and you have every right to coach women on how to deceive gullible guys into putting a ring on it. But the manosphere is working overtime to make sure that these guys do NOT get deceived.

    And it is not the 30-something men who aree getting desperate with a capital D.

  22. Alex Cockell says:

    Please could you just add “let your yes be yes and your no, no” for the benefits of us guys on the autism spectrum? “Feminine mistique” etc really DOESN’T do it for the Aspie – we need you to verbalise so we know where we are…

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