If I’m so “pretty & awesome”…why isn’t anyone asking me out?

Last week, I wrote Never Have I Ever : Unveiling Promiscuity where I discussed pain as a driving reason behind promiscuity. Daddy issues & sexual abuse were two of the stories I heard over and over from promiscuous women. Today, I want to continue the discussion-because I believe it is vital to understand another component of a woman’s sexual choices.

“I have to fight the urge to want to be like them….they were wanted by somebody. It is so tempting to give in, to feel beautiful and desired by someone again,” one woman confessed.

I know what it feels like to be told by friends, “If I was a guy, I would be totally into you”. It’s not helpful, is it? If I’m so so “pretty & awesome” then why isn’t anyone asking me out? When I was single, these talks often made me feel worse because I didn’t want 10 friends (even male friends) dishing out compliments. I just wanted to be picked by one man. I wanted someone (NORMAL) to find my forgetfulness charming & who thought my tone-deaf singing was endearing. Have you ever felt this way before? Like you are shouting for goodness sakes SOMEONE PICK ME!” ?

As women, we were created with a desire to be desired. Little girls often put on dresses spin in front of their father’s and ask, “Am I beautiful?” This part of us-the part where we long to be chosen and found beautiful-can feel like a curse. You must understand that your longing to be loved & chosen by a man is normal. You are not desperate or pathetic. However, it is vital make sense of this aspect of who we are because it can lead to unhealthy places.

Three places unmet desires with men often lead women:

Promiscuity. It’s easy to think that by giving in sexually, men will desire us & the aching question “Will someone pick me?” will be satisfied. Especially in a culture where we hear things like “men think about sex every 3 seconds” and the media incessantly tells and shows us how to seduce. I distinctly remember a friend’s words after having a one night stand: “I just feel so empty…so used.” She slept with someone because she was sick of being alone & wanted to be desired.

Pretending to be someone you’re not. Be yourself in relationships & don’t try to morph into someone different for a man. Down the road, physical attraction fades and the truth comes out. If you aren’t into fishing, or bar hopping, or living overseas be upfront about it! Physical attraction isn’t everything. Being best friends is what will make your relationship last and stand the test of time along with cute interns who know all the football scores & sensitive men who are passionate about moving abroad.

“I don’t care” attitude. It’s easy after years of waiting or rejection to start to not give a d*&% whether or not a man notices you. Oftentimes the way this presents itself is through “letting oneself go”. I get it. I put on 25+ pounds in China and didn’t even try to look presentable because I just didn’t care anymore. Maybe you feel like you will never look good enough? God created you beautiful, dear sister. Believe it and don’t compare yourself. Another way the “I don’t care attitude” is shown is through an abrasive attitude. Men confess they are instantly unattracted to a woman with a disrespectful attitude. The “I don’t care” attitude only numbs your desires and pushes men away.

The good news today is I cannot promise you a date for Valentine’s Day. But I can share with you that you are desired. By a high King, who calls you by name. He desires to be in a relationship with you-to know the good, the bad, and even the quirky parts of you. He loves that you have bad breath in the morning, can’t go a day without dessert, and have no shame singing Lady Gaga at the top of your lungs. For today, let that be enough.

Have you found yourself in one of these places? What are some other coping mechanisms women use for their unmet desire for love?  

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30 Responses to “If I’m so “pretty & awesome”…why isn’t anyone asking me out?”
  1. L says:

    Yay! I love that you wrote a post on this (as it’s me that’s quoted). It’s HARD, this singleness thing. But God has changed me from an atheist who didn’t want to get married into a Jesus-lving girl who does. So if He can do that miracle He can help me be patient! I think it’s so crucial though to remember than a man never can fill those desires, or in my case, deep pits of insecurity. I tend to turn to food, or to close up completely- sitting at home eating chocolate doesn’t really get me anywhere and it’s a vicious cycle- gaining weight makes me less likely to want to socialise, so I eat more to comfort myself. I’d love to know how you broke out of that cycle when you were in China.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      An atheist to a Jesus follower? Incredible! I’d love to hear more about your journey (and I know others would, too!). As far as changing the cycle, the most important thing for me was exercise. Not just 30 minutes, 3X/week at the gym-but 6 days a week of hard cardio followed by weight lifting. Over time, my mind started to change & open up to feeling desired by men again and wanting to feel beautiful. And throw away the chocolates and don’t keep dessert around the house! :) It’s like an alcoholic keeping a bottle of gin in the cabinent “just in case”. Ask God, “how do you see me?” Listening to His response daily can make all the difference in the world. He desires you!

      • L says:

        Yup, 3 years ago now. The very short story is that I met Christians at university, which led me to meeting a lady who worked for Agapé (UK version of Cru). We met in Starbucks and asked her lots of questions and she answered, I started going to church after a year of these meetings, and 2 months after that decided I knew enough to be confident in making the decision. I’m now living in France for a year volunteering at a church. God definitely has a sense of humour!

        • Hi, L, it’s so encouraging to hear your story! Ruthie started to meet me up at Starbucks about 5 years ago, and friendship with her showed me a glimpse of the real Love that I desire and the real freedom I could have in Jesus Christ! I went through stages of “I don’t care”, but Ruthie dragged me into doing hard cardio, weight lifting, and running, it indeed helped me a lot! Most importantly, it is the quiet time with the Lord that changes my heart and mind, trying to live a life pleasing God, not people. God will have the best plan for you, be patient and be confident!

        • Ruthie Dean says:

          God certainly has a sense of humor. I remember not wanting to be a Christian “when I grew up” and becoming a missionary seemed like worst case scenario! Then…God introduced me to Natalie…and gave me a huge heart for China. I can’t believe I ended up becoming in a missionary in China of all places! It’s truly amazing how God can change our desires.

          Natalie…it’s still your fault:)

    • C says:

      I love this L… The impossible is what God does best. Take every thought captive- to the obedience of Christ. I am a reform(ing) deep pit of insecurity!!! Divorce a year ago exacerbated the situation. The walls are coming down now that I have been practicing seeing God as He is: Good, Protecting, Loving. (The “nos”, “not yets” and “wait’s” are all flowing from a motive of love.) The exercise is daily, no, moment by moment, replacing the internal narratives I have built up about myself and God, with the correct ones from scripture. The washing of the Word… Seeing myself, and Him, as He does. As I am trusting God, finally, with my heart. I am starting to believe that He will only give it to the guy that HE knows can be trusted with it too… Wow, it’s a process! Best Wishes!

  2. T from Kenya says:

    I think I no longer care and I just live my life. I have built hedges around me which every time I try to bring them down, I see something in men that tell me to just build the hedge back up. I know I have a problem. God’s grace is sufficient! I don’t hate men but I prevent them from growing close to me, just so they don’t get close enough to hurt me eventually. I enjoy friendships but from a distance.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      It is so easy to build walls around our hearts to protect ourselves. Reminds me of one of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

      God’s grace is sufficent. Guarding your heart is important, but not so much that you are shut off from men all-together. I’m thrilled to have women in Kenya reading my blog!!

      • Danelle says:

        wow. so convicting….EVEN to this married woman who holds all her pain inside too often. dang girl…. get outta my head! lol

      • R says:

        Hi am from Kenya too hopefully we can share our Kenyan experience with Ruthie which to say the least is terrible. There has been a great shift in the dating game even respect alone is alien. How does one deal in such an environment? That is at least the one challenge we face

  3. vivvles215 says:

    Wonderful post, Ruth. I loved reading it, and it’s so encouraging. Looking forward to reading more posts!

  4. Edward says:

    feeling a bit out of place here recently, but the picture is hilarious (as usual) and the post full of great advice and encouragement (also as usual).

  5. Jen K. says:

    Amen, sister! Though I’m blessed to be married now, I still remember what it was like to be single, when everyone else always seemed to have a line of boyfriends.

  6. Moni says:

    You`re so right! I´m single and there are often days when I think what`s wrong with me, why is everyone around me in a relationship besides me. And then, I catch myself to fall into the “I don`t care” attitude. When this happens, I say to myself, that my time is coming and there`s someone outside waiting for me. :) so, thank you Ruthie

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      It’s vital to trust God’s desire for you and your future and allow your relationship with Him to become your identity-whether or not a man is on the horizon. Thanks for sharing and I pray you find a godly man to walk through life with!

  7. R says:

    Hi Ruthie. I am just getting out of a relationship where I was financially and physically abused. Both of these made me also stray in the relationship and I cultivated a long term relationship with a married man. He also cheated on me during the relationship and the wounds are still very fresh. I have chosen to pick up myself because he tried to blame me for the break up on the relationship but as soon as I found out he also cheated then tables turned and he seems quite remorseful. But I have chosen to move on, To build my career and mend and nurture any other relationships which I had neglected during my two year stint with this man. I especially want to mend my relationship with God. I am also trusting God that at the right time he will open a door for me and I will meet a man who puts God first above all else. Thank you again.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      How painful. I would encourage you to remember & believe that God doesn’t love you as you should be, but loves you exactly as you are, where you are. Do not go back to an abusive man, no matter what he claims, promises, etc. PLEASE!

      I pray you continue to have courage to walk out of this darkness and pursue healing through Jesus. Only He can heal your wounds.

  8. Anna Kaye says:

    I often find myself in the comparison game, unfortunately for years. And through toxic relationships and negative self portrayal, I’ve developed a “not caring” attitude. I’ve convinced myself I’ll be a lady with 27 cats. (I already have one, that’s a start.) Figure someone has to do it might as well be me. I’m still working through these emotions. There are good days and bad days. It’s definitely not easy.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Anna. Acknowledging the subtle ways we believe lies & build walls around our hearts is always the first step. I challenge you to take your thoughts captive (I am ugly. I don’t deserve a husband. I will be a cat lady. etc) and make them obedient to Christ. In other words, align your thoughts with his and notice when lies creep in-our mind is the most destructive place and is often the hardest place to win the battle. Praying for you sister.

      Thanks for sharing. Anyone else struggle with this & want to share?

    • L says:

      Oh I have so done that! I laughed in recognition at the cat part- I make jokes about it but deep down I really worry it will happen. More and more I realise that it all starts with my thoughts- whether they reflect how God sees me or not. It’s so HARD not to compare myself to all the beautiful girls around me. I don’t really have an answer- all I do is go to God and tell Him (loudly and through tears sometimes) how I feel, and can He help me think differently on this?!

  9. J-Dub says:

    Just surfing through….
    I have read a number of you articles and find them very ironic in that many of these themes apply to men as well.
    I ask myself where have all the good women gone? I have a good career, stable, and I am a really nice guy but I only have average looks and am a bit shy.
    The only choices I seem to have are women that are not weight/ height appropriate, divorced (at least once) with kids, or have so much baggage I’d need a cart.
    I think your readers opine about “where have all the good men gone?” you’re not thinking about someone like me you are thinking about tall dark handsome, six pack abs, and makes a million dollars a year…Good luck finding that
    Me… I’m only looking for weight/height appropriate, a good heart, and is smart. Until I can find that I’m enjoying my freedom.

    • Jennifer says:

      May I share an observation? You mention that you think women overlook you because of average looks. Yet, your reasoning for passing over women includes “height/weight” innapropriateness.

      I don’t see “age appropriate” and “spirituality appropriate” in your list. Perhaps it would be good to consider relationships based on that.

  10. Justin P. says:

    Being single, I’ve had people give me or steer me towards a variety of resources on dating, preparation for marriage, and so on . . . most of which just prove that there isn’t actually a lot of consensus among Christians about what dating or singleness should look like. Everyone agrees that we should honor God in every aspect of our lives, but the practical implementation of that varies from neo-puritannical (Joshua Harris) to being willing to give any Christian or non-Christian a try (Henry Cloud). Incidentally, the best, most balanced teaching I’ve heard on marriage and singleness is probably Kevin Twit’s “Mating, Dating, and Relating” series from his Belmont RUF podcasts.

    I still don’t have any idea how or if God will give me the opportunity to get married, but in the meantime it bothers me how poorly churches integrate singles into their community. I didn’t even fully realize this until a Christian friend of mine, who is gay, bitterly pointed out that American Christian culture is almost as family-centric as it is Christ-centric. It’s not “Christian Radio,” it’s “Family Radio.” It’s not a “Christian Bookstore,” it’s a “Family Bookstore.” If there actually is anyone out there actually called to singleness, very little that their church teaches will prepare, equip, or encourage them for that role. Instead, they’ll just spend decades fending off questions about when they’re going to get married . . . and then looks of pity when everyone decides that “God’s best” for that person wasn’t quite as good as what everyone else got.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Justin, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Several thoughts: one, I agree that Christian culture can focus too much on family and not enough on Christ (ie people who aren’t married are looked down upon or have no place in many churches). Secondly, I think it’s always dangerous to compare my life to the person sitting next to me-and somehow deciding that God gave me more and her less. God doesn’t ever promise to be “fair”-and often the wicked prosper, while the righteous suffer. We have to learn to be content in sickness & in health, in plenty & in need. Thanks for sharing!

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