Men: This is How You Ask Her Out

 © 1978 ABC

© 1978 ABC

Real Men Don’t Text is officially available today everywhere books are sold! Michael wrote this post for the men out there who want to date differently, but don’t know where to start.  Spoiler alert: it will start with a plan and a phone call.

When I was in high school and college, the easiest (read: least ballsy) way to ask a girl out was Instant Message. If you wanted to get to know a girl without risking rejection, you somehow got her screen name then flirted relentlessly through a cryptic Instant Message. It’s no secret that texting  is the new norm. The amount of effort and the gall it takes to stand face to face and ask a girl out is slowly fading.

Young men no longer have the nervous coming-of-age experience when they stare into a girl’s eyes, heart-pounding with fear of rejection, and ask her out for the first time. A recent study reported that 67% of high school students hide behind a screen and shoot a text to ask a girl to prom. But it’s not just high school students. As USA Today recently reported, approximately 38% of 21-26 year olds and 36% of 27-34 year olds that schedule dates over text.

I was recently ragging on a friend of mine the other day about texting a girl to ‘hang out’, reminding him that real men don’t text (especially for dates). We discussed why it’s not a good idea to text for a date and he admitted: “It doesn’t require much to ask a girl out since texting takes all the fear of rejection away.”

So what? It’s just modern communication, right?

Your dating strategy is your decision, but may I suggest that there is a better way to find a woman worth committing to? If you’re wanting more from your dating life and have desire to grow in character, integrity, and respect— I’m here to help. It’s time to figure out how to ask a woman out like a man.

Before we begin, I feel we need to clear something up: a group hangout is not a date. I repeat, a group hangout is not a date. It is a great way to get to know her, but it sure as heck is not a date.

The steps to asking her out:

  1. Start by getting her number, i.e. don’t ask her friends. Don’t text her, tweet her, Facebook her, email her, comment on her blog, or chat her.
  2. Figure out where you’d like to take her, on what day, and what time before you ask. It’s your job to have a plan if you’re doing the asking.
  3. Call her at least four days in advance of when you’d like to see her at an hour that doesn’t come across as a booty call (read 11pm).
  4. Take her to a public place for your first date. Don’t take her on a long drive into the middle of nowhere for a picnic. Weird.
  5. Pick a place that is unique and provides a good atmosphere for listening to her and not staring at her breasts or thinking about her naked. Yes, you heard correctly: listen.
  6. Make her feel comfortable. Topics that are off limits: what turns you on, politics, racial comments, kids, marriage plans, your fraternity if you’ve been out of college for more than three months.
  7. Ask her questions. Ask her about herself, what she’s interested in, what she loves (or doesn’t) about her job. Keep the conversation light-hearted.
  8. Do not, under any circumstances, divulge the following:
      • Your childhood secrets
      • Your family drama
      • Your history with foot fungus
      • Your psycho ex-girlfriend
      • How much you hate your boss (don’t be a complainer)
      • Your 3am donut-eating habits
      • Your sexual history
      • Your daily phone call with your mom
      • Your video game domination
  9. Make her laugh. I cannot tell you how important this is. Make fun of yourself, tell a joke, share a funny story—anything to get her to laugh. Gentlemen: if you do nothing else, make her laugh.
  10. Pull out your wallet and pay the bill.  You asked her out, didn’t you? Be a gentleman.
  11. Call her within three days and ask her out again. Repeat steps above.

Remember you are not asking her to marry you, its just coffee, or a drink, or dinner, it’s not a marriage proposal. You are not locked into a long-term contract. But the purpose of dating is to figure out what you like, enjoy time with the other person, and learn the skills necessary to develop healthy relationships with women. If you can’t muster up the courage to call her, then you aren’t ready to date.

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17 Responses to “Men: This is How You Ask Her Out”
  1. Laura says:

    Oh Michael. I hope EVERY MAN on the planet reads this post!!

  2. Ted says:

    Very challenging. But I accept the challenge! I will ask her out like a man.

  3. Julia says:

    So excited about Real Men Don’t Text! I ordered 5 copies off Amazon last week, so hopefully they will get here this week! Blessings on your week, Ruthie & Michael.

  4. Meg says:

    Happy Pub Day!! Enjoy!

  5. Ally says:

    THANK YOU for including kids and marriage as something not to talk about on a first date! I’ve been on a number of dates with nice, Christian men who asked me out the right way but jumped right into that topic as we sat down to dinner. It is terrifying!

  6. Jake says:

    Love this! The problem I’ve been running into though (as a guy) is that it’s the GIRLS that think that coffee or dinner is like a marriage proposal. They make such a big deal out of it and it’s just a date!

  7. Ninny says:

    “But the purpose of dating is to figure out what you like, enjoy time with the other person, and learn the skills necessary to develop healthy relationships with women.”

    Translation: “enjoy pretending to be something else than yourself to trick her into going out with you again”. Not a skill, definitely not healthy, and not cool.

  8. baunty says:


  9. Freddie says:

    All of this is reasonable and true, but it omits two great obstacles. First, you have to find a single woman to ask out on a date. Once you’re past 25 or so, there may not be too many of them around. Secondly, it’s a looooong way to go from step 3 to step 4, at least for guys without tons of natural charm. Somehow it seems like this kind of writing is always by the ones who didn’t struggle with dating…

  10. Wes says:

    How long do you wait to date her then? Are you supposed to get to know her really well before you ask her out?

  11. jessica says:

    Okay Im a girl a here is one tip: Do not wait to date her! just do it. She can say only yes or no. If she say yes its good, if no you can date another one:)

  12. Ashley says:

    So sharing this list with me friends! Thanks!!

  13. Morgan says:

    This is the most beautiful thing I have EVER READ!!! I wish every man on the planet would read this! Why is it so dang hard for a guy to simply call a girl to ask her out??

  14. Jeremy Whistler says:

    …because there are rules, or because you’d like to live in world where rules for dating might be comforting? :) I don’t think so!

    I appreciate your efforts in trying to “enlighten” us, but there are no rules in love or war. There are a million personalities and possibilities out there, and if you’re not married you have NO FRIGGIN’ CLUE as to who or why or how you will fall for that someone special.

    I’m 38 years old, happily married, and out of your target demographic, but you cannot regulate or shame people for texting themselves into a date. And to stereotype that “Men should always be the one to ask for dates” is (likewise) an outdated, art-deco mentality. To try and shame us all for “being human” or simplifying “the chase” out of your “normal” storybook-fairytale version of how it “SHOULD BE” isn’t enlightening at all. I guarantee if the right caveman wacked you on your head and dragged you (by your hair) into his cave, you would be romantically-enlightened your-danged-self!


    Sorry, but I’m a real knuckle-dragging man, and I tell it like it is…

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