“OHHHH. IS THIS YOUR FIRST BABY?”
I am pregnant?!
My muddled thoughts came screeching to this conclusion. The morning sickness, the “weight gain”, the craving for sweets—I’m definitely pregnant. Enter panic from stage left.
You know in Runaway Bride when she’s about to actually make it down the isle, starts to panic, and her best friend gives her a brown paper bag to breath into? That’s what I needed at that moment. A brown paper bag to exhale into. I was coming completely unglued.
Alcohol! I wasn’t upset that I was pregnant—I was panicking simply because I had a glass of wine after work on Friday before my flight (remember, I am that ‘please don’t let us crash’ prayer on a plane person) and continued to celebrate because we after all, we were on vacation. In combination with a daily glass of wine, I had pushed my body to the absolute max doing Insanity with my sister in law. Which speaking of, I can’t think of a better way to get in shape, lose weight, and feel good about yourself. BUUUUT, Insanity cannot possible be good for Baby Deans! Enter more panic from stage right.
Michael came home from golfing with his dad and I grabbed him by the arm and said, “We need to run an errand.” I tried to disguise the fact I probably needed a Xanax, but he saw right through me. Michael is my even-keeled, never-unglued better half, so he promptly grabbed the keys without asking questions.
In the safety of the car, I blurted out, “I need to get a pregnancy test”, then started sobbing about what a terrible mother I already was because I consumed alcohol and did pushup jacks and diamond jumps while growing our baby. Michael gave me the I’m-listening-to-you-but-this-really-is-ridiculous look and then calmed me down by telling me I hadn’t done anything to our baby & everything was going to be just fine. In hindsight, I was a acting like a maniac—but at the time I felt completely justified. I’m a perfectionist, so my panic was simply from the fact that I hadn’t read 10 books about what to eat, drink, & do to grow the perfect baby. Oh dear.
So we arrived at the island grocery store and scanned the isles for pregnancy tests. Not a single one. I was too embarrassed to ask customer service {I had a “then they’ll know I’ve had sex” moment}, so Michael went to ask while I hid among the nail polish. So picture me sweaty, hiding, and peering over to my dear husband standing in line at customer service. ALL OF A SUDDEN, a large woman working the counter screams, “NO YOU DID NOT COME UP IN HERE AND GET THAT GIRL PREGNANT.”
Oh . . . dear God. I was sure the entire grocery store heard her and immediately pinned me as the one needing the pregnancy test. Where was the paper bag when I needed one?
Michael held up his wedding ring and Mrs. Loud Talker Customer Embarrassment Rep said, “OHHHHH. IS THIS YOUR FIRST BABY?”
I continued to panic until we were able to take the test. The funniest part of the whole scenario was when Michael and I were waiting for the results from the test, we sat down to distract ourselves and watched New Girl on Hulu. And guess who sponsored the episode? Pampers.
Pregnancy Test: Negative. Crazy test: Positive. In every way.
Please someone tell me you can relate to my craziness. Ha!
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LOL! Quite familiar! I so relate with you! My friend, a couple of weeks ago looked at me and said, and I quote, ‘ Tatuu you are a lunatic’ I thought I was ‘unique’ in my craziness but I am glad to share it with you. What an encouragement. Lol!!!
So picture me sweaty, hiding, and peering over to my dear husband standing in line at customer service. ALL OF A SUDDEN, a large woman working the counter screams, “NO YOU DID NOT COME UP IN HERE AND GET THAT GIRL PREGNANT.”<-Now that has made my day!
HAHA! I’m so glad you can relate to my craziness, Tatuu. It’s hard being a woman sometimes! HA.
Oh my goodness! Dying thinking about you hiding out. I can totally relate to show much of that. I took the whole box of tests within a week because I KNEW I was pregnant. Negative every time-and Patrick said after the third one, “negative for pregnancy, positive for crazy” ha. But turns out I wasn’t crazy-I just knew sooner than the test did.
lesson: buy another one in a week or two if you’re still feeling ‘crazy’ 
So, not show-Teagan took all my brain cells
That is hysterical, Andrea. I love that you were actually pregnant…justified craziness?! Thanks for commenting!
….so Michael went to ask while I hid among the nail polish. LOLEST…..
Ruthie you are sooo hilarious. that has made my day….I was yet to read a funny one like this from you
From the start was so thrilled that the baby was coming but anyway that time is coming sooner and can’t wait
Thank God for Michael…the craziness he sees!
God bless you dear! (with many babies as you desire)
Hi Jess! Thanks-I’ve been meaning to write a ‘funny’ post because it’s good to remember not to take ourselves too seriously. Thanks for reading & commenting (and reminding me it’s ok to laugh at myself).
And I apologize to everyone for the two emails you received about this post. Working on this ASAP. Thank you for your patience!
dear, halirious!! I can totally picture if you could tell me the story in person, can you make a video and send it to me??! I cannot wait for you have pretty babies, as you know!haha~~ love you!
HAHA! I’m so glad you laughed! It’s hard to write funny stories, so I’m glad my drama/humor came across.
ahhh yes, i received two emails…are you working changing your newsletter/mail providers? I’d love to know how you are going about it (without having a fresh subscription blitz) cos it’s something i want to do (move from google to mailchimp) when my ebook comes out.
That lady at the counter just had to do that!? lol. I’ve had some of those moments (though it never came to grab-hubby-run-to-store-meet-loud-cashier moment). It’s just funny how our body acts sometimes!
Yes! I’m switching to mailchimp. They have “easy” videos to help, but I incorrectly turned off my feedburner emails. Anyways, it took me a good 5-6 hours to figure it out but I think it’s well worth it. Plus, feedburner is having all kinds of problems recently (deleted all my subscribers) and I hear of more problems forthcoming.
I’m technically illiterate, so you might find it takes you 1 hour to switch everything over!
Sorry for the duplicate emails. I figured out how to fix this so it doesn’t happen again.
No worries dear! (I totally understand these small hiccups as a blogger
I’ve heard about the feedburner issues so i backed up all my subscribers on Evernote, just incase! Thanks for the heads up. Am on the same boat with you, tech-wise. I hope you don’t mind if i shoot you an email if i get stuck at some point :). Nothing like two tech-deficient heads put together…lol.
God bless you!
Please do! I’ll help in any way I can.
oh heavens, Ruthie!
I have had crazy hormones and irregular cycles so yes I have had those moments (all negative so far…God’s timing) I sense a bit of relief. Not ready for that next stage of life, yet huh?! Having a baby does mean you have to change a few things; part of the sacrifice of our bodies I guess. 
Glad Michael remained calm throught it all! Husbands are great for that!
Haha, exactly. What would we do without our even-keeled, calm husbands?!
I added you to my blog feeder so I just now read that you are pregnant! Congratulations!! I only started reading your blog after my old professor commented about something you wrote in (was it Christianity Today?) another blog she reads. I love how honest you are and love to read all that you have to say. I am a mom of a 3 and 6 year old. My husband and I were married almost three years before our first was born. I really think our lives changed as soon as I was pregnant because my hormones went crazy! It’s called pregnancy brain. I like to think this hypersensitivity is God’s way of preparing you for a baby.
Hi Sarah! It probably was Christianity Today. I’m glad you subscribed to my blog! I’m actually not pregnant-the whole post was about my craziness because I ended up not being pregnant. Ha! Anyways, so glad you are reading and I really appreciate your comment. Come back soon!
This was really funny to read. Will I react the same crazy way? Hope not. But yeah, probably.