Patchwork Brokenness
I’ve prayed a lot lately, attempting to reach God over the noisiness of my life. Last Sunday, I finally felt like He turned down the volume around me and sat with me. Just right next to me on the sofa. After a while, I felt His quiet voice-not scolding me for not doing as I’m told nor rushing me like a hurried mother-but reminding me to breath deeply. To stop taking myself so seriously. I’m terrified of failure. I, like many of you, feel like brokenness represents a closed door that sometimes gets flung open for everyone to see, but most of the time stays carefully tucked away. Brokenness is an essential part of learning to walk with Jesus, but isn’t it funny how we so often tape and glue and trim hedges to make ourselves look presentable? The passage below came to me during this time last Sunday. The words poured cooling waters on my worried, troubled soul and I understood once again. You’re supposed to be broken. That’s what makes you a beautiful patchwork of stories-to shine Light into the shadows.
Listen to what Mike Yaconelli says:
It only took a few hours of silence before I began to hear my soul speaking. It only took being alone for a short period of time for me to discover I wasn’t alone. God had been trying to shout over the noisiness of my life, and I couldn’t hear him. But in the stillness and solitude, his whispers shouted from my soul, “I am here. I have been calling you, but you haven’t been listening. Can you hear me?” I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself you are loved that you have not heard me.”
I heard him, and my slumbering soul was filled with the joy of the prodigal son. My soul was awakened by a loving Father who had been looking and waiting for me. Finally, I accepted my brokenness . . . I had never come to terms that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weaknesses, to deny who I was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again-or at least to get to the place where I was very seldom broken.
Can you relate to this endless striving to get to a place where you are seldom broken? Have you felt like a failure because of weaknesses that keep showing up in your life?
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A million times yes. It’s hard to let go of that brokenness because what are you supposed to do then?
I think we are to embrace brokenness, Maggie. It’s only by embracing our weaknesses that Christ can be made strong (2 Cor. 12). I think God chips away our brokenness, piece by piece, but there will always be cracks and old paint that still needs to come off-because then we can fully depend on him. Right? Have you found when you aren’t “struggling” as much, then you don’t depend on God?
Supposedly right now i’m in a situation where things are getting rough like now and I just crack. Sunny thinks, and really I agree because this pattern has been evident since we’ve started dating is that when he’s having his issues, I take advantage of that and not lean on God. And I’m really struggling and alone up here and stressed to the point of getting myself sick among other things, and well I don’t feel like that in either case even when I know I’m weak that I’m being made strong through Christ, and that really hurts because I know it’s my fault.
I used to think that healing removed brokenness. Now I understand that brokenness adds a beauty and strength to life. Living a life re-ordered by my brokenness.
Amen, Tina. Thanks for commenting!
Yes, Ruthie. And coupled with not admitting that we are broken is usually an unrepentant heart (in my case especially). I over-apologize but it’s rarely b/c I realize my sin- I apologize for hurting the other person. I have been blinded by my own selfishness b/c I’ve been so busy “working” on trying to be perfect. Thank you for the reminder that a broken and contrite heart is what Jesus desires.
Facing your brokenness, at least at first takes so much energy. I am skilled at running away. I am skilled at apologizing and apologizing and apologizing…but I am not skilled, and am only beginning to enter into a stage of discipline that acknowledges my brokenness, and then turns to Christ to hear what he has to say about it.
I am so ashamed sometimes of my inability to achieve perfection that I reflect Adam and Eve hiding in the garden. I face the same few weaknesses, and feel like I’m fighting against everyone they are exposed to, as well as presenting myself to God. I need to choose to serve God only though…because I owe man no explanation except for the hope I have, while I owe God every acknowledgement of the breath I breathe.
This resonates. And I found your blog by chance sixish months ago and really appreciate hearing your stories. Nothing is new under the sun and it really helps to hear I am not the only one who’s ever been lonely.
Not sure why I’m writing as I’ve never commented on a blog before, but you are helping this lonely, but hopefull 23 year old woman!
Thanks for being bold and sharing.
Hi Stephanie!
Thanks for commenting . . . finally, right? Thrilled my words are helping and encouraging you. How did you find my blog? I always love hearing.