I was 10 weeks pregnant. The nausea, exhaustion, and emotional instability were unbearable that day. I came home from work and crawled into bed at exactly 5:23. When Michael arrived home, I called out to him from under the covers in a rather pathetic voice, “Hi dear. Can you come up here?”

He came trotting up the stairs and entered our bedroom saying his usual, “Aw, sweetheart-I’m so sorry.” The Saltines and Ginger Ale next to the bed was his sign that pregnancy was still not agreeing with me.

And then the crazy started. In near tears, I asked Michael to get his computer and look up my symptoms. “I think I also have cancer.”

Michael cracked a smile, but quickly returned to his dutiful-husband-serious state (seeing that I was on the verge of a breakdown) and started looking up my symptoms on WebMD. (I’ve been banned from research because, well, I can jump from everything is fine to the worst possible conclusion in a matter of seconds.) My suspicions were denied: I didn’t have cancer. I was experiencing the horror joy of pregnancy.

Ah, pregnancy.

Prior to getting pregnant, I had three thoughts about pregnancy:
1.) You get to eat whatever you want.
2.) People are really nice to you, but also might ask you weird questions.
3.) You can’t drink wine or coffee.

I’d heard about morning sickness and fatigue, but nothing could have prepared for what was in store: becoming the world’s least graceful pregnant woman.

Here are 8 things you might experience in pregnancy:

1. Have nothing to wear. FOR REAL this time.

Yes, everyone woman has at one point stared into her closet and declared, “I have NOTHING to wear.” But pregnancy brings wardrobe crisis to a new level.

At the beginning of the long process of growing a human, you aren’t really big beautiful enough to be wearing maternity clothes but as your stomach grows a “protective layer of fat” anything that doesn’t have an elastic waistband or a baggy top makes you look (and feel) like you live at a keg party.

2. Vomit without notice.

So most of you probably won’t throw up during pregnancy. I’m not sure the percentage of people that actually throw up everyday (remember: no pregnancy research), but none of my friends did.

However, vomiting without notice is perhaps the most terrifying part of it all. It’s not like when I got pregnant I didn’t have to do my job, attend meetings, or go to the post office. Everything moves right along and you just have to do your best (Ginger Ale in hand).

Enter: The Hustler.

The Hustler is a porn store that happens to be about 1 mile from my office.

One morning in late March, it was snowing. Yep, snowing in late March. I started feeling sick about 5 minutes from work. On the highway.

I started taking deep breaths, as I got off the exit ramp, but knew what my future held. The light was green for the first time in my lifetime on that exit ramp, so I scanned my car for something to throw up in. My options? A grocery bag with a whole in the bottom, my purse, or my gym bag.

Since I am not dying, only growing a baby, I decided wasn’t willing to sacrifice my purse or gym bag. I screeched into the nearest parking lot, which had to be The Hustler. Let’s just say throwing up outside of a porn store looked a lot like I took too many shots of tequila the night before and nothing like I was growing a baby. The icing on the cake? A homeless man approached me and asked me, “You work here?”

3. Have a day where you think “I really don’t look pregnant at all” & someone proves you wrong.

On a day where my self esteem was at a pretty reasonable level (for a pregnant lady, that is), the older gentlemen at the gym who shines shoes yelled at me, “GIRL, you gone and got yourself PREGNANT!”

And I thought I was fooling everyone.

4. Want to join Weight Watchers because you’re “gaining weight too fast.”

It’s best to put aside your bathroom scale and stop looking at the weight gain charts online. Everyone gains weight differently and at different rates. And not that I know from experience, but Weight Watchers won’t take your money. In fact, they’ll flat deny you from the program.

5. Your workouts become pathetic.

I was training for a marathon when I found out I was pregnant. I was up to 17 miles. I always envisioned myself being a super in-shape pregnant lady . . . not so fast. One time I was on an elliptical of sorts and slowed down so much that the machine actually flashed across the screen, “Are you there?” (Confession: I formerly judged people who consider the elliptical an actual workout-I’m now repenting.)

6. Eating tator tots at Sonic prior to 10am.

Prior to pregnancy, I ate Kale almost every day of my life. Let’s just say I started dry heaving with the mere thought of a vegetable for my first 16 weeks of cancer pregnancy.

Give yourself grace when you’re starving or nauseated (or both) and have to leave the office for a “meeting” and park yourself at the nearest fast food place and eat your feelings.

7. Live in a very fragile, emotional state.

On memorial day, I woke up and made the following statement to Michael:

“It’s not sunny today, no one wants to go to the pool, our friend is going to have a premature baby, I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I can’t figure out what color to paint the nursery.”

To which he responded, “What is Sarah doing today? Maybe you should call her and go on a walk. Get your mind off things, ya know.”

Wise, wise man.

Thankfully, Sarah walked with me in my fragile emotional state, because, well, she’s also pregnant. Crazies, unite!

8. Worry about the tiny life inside you . . . constantly.

In all seriousness, don’t google things during pregnancy. So many scary, terrible things can happen and it doesn’t help to get anxious about worst-case scenarios.

The first 13 weeks, I was paranoid about losing our little girl and anxiety is SO BAD for pregnancy. I wrote “God is a good Dad” on our chalkboard to remind me every day that Dad was with me and knew how much I wanted to keep this baby. I loved her more than I could have imagined from the moment I found out about her.

Most must forget how pregnancy feels, because so many women decide to have more babies.  I have a feeling once I see our sweet baby’s face, I’ll forget all about the craziness. Regardless, as Anne Lamott suggests, after this is all over I’m holding an awards ceremony for my body. Growing a baby is no joke!

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