Stop Praying. Start Asking. | Christian Men Need to Man Up and Date
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/8196557351/sizes/l/in/photostream/
Michael is the writer of today’s post. I’m really proud of him for conveying such a tough message!
I was talking with a group of Christian men the other day and was given astonishing insight into the current dating scene. As I sat down with them to talk about life, I found something concerning: none of them were asking women out. Does anyone go on dates anymore? Some had text-based relationships, but most of them were fearful of “messing up” or “ending up with the wrong one”. This fear caused them to seldom date and keep female relationships plutonic and confusing. THIS IS NOT OK.
Ask any Christian woman over the age of 22 how she feels about Christian men’s dating game and she’ll most likely confirm what I’m witnessing.
Christian men don’t know how to ask a girl out. Maybe it’s because we all kissed dating goodbye?
Or maybe no one ever taught us how. I have no idea, but something needs to change. I’ve heard from Christian women that they either have said no to dating altogether (because the Christian guys don’t do any asking) or go on dates with men who aren’t Christians (because at least they are asking).
I get it. I, too, was more of a prayer than a dater, until I had a number of older men sit me down and tell me to stop being afraid and take a girl to coffee.
It’s not a marriage proposal. It’s just coffee.
In looking for “The One”, Christian men can easily get caught not asking women out AT ALL because she might not be “The One”. Really? Enough of this nonsense. Why aren’t you asking? What are you afraid of? Why are you hiding behind prayers, vague intentions, group hangouts, and TEXT MESSAGES?
I’ve found myself wondering how do I encourage my brothers to GET OUT THERE and date. Real Christian men are needed to step up in this area. (Novel idea, I know.) The issue that many men run into, I know I did, is over spiritualizing the dating process. “What if I’m not going to marry her?” “What if I hurt her?” “What if I don’t like her after we date for a few weeks?”
Praying about your dating life is of course advised, but there is such a thing as too much praying. Are you using prayer as a cop out? Is your prayer life a cover-up for your fear? Don’t know if she’ll say yes? That’s part of being a man!
Men, listen up! Stop over praying and overanalyzing and start asking!
Stop the group hangouts and text messages with no clear direction.
If you are clearly leading her on step up and ask her out, or stop leading her on. Group hangouts are great, but find time for one on one where your intentions are clear.
Dating 101: Start by finding a girl who you think is interesting and attractive. Ask her out in person or over the phone (no texting). After you go out, call her again and ask her out again. Shocking! Then if you decide that it just isn’t there, be straightforward. Tell her kindly you won’t be calling anymore because you aren’t interested in a romantic relationship. It will sting a little for her, but it’s better than leading her on for months and her having 372 discussions with her friends.
Be a man and don’t hide behind vague intentions and confusing relationships.
And ladies, if you are confused about a man’s intentions—just ask him to clarify. It’s your responsibility not to let him lead you on. You heard me: your responsibility.
Men, imagine what it would be like if we started stepping up and took dating seriously? If we didn’t over spiritualize it, but started taking girls out on dates and even sweeping them off their feet? You really don’t need to pray if she’s the one for you—you need to talk to her and ask her to go somewhere with you.
Stop praying, start asking.
If you liked this post, you may also like:
- Real Men Don’t Text is $2.99 on Amazon!
- Men: This is How You Ask Her Out
- Stop Waiting for Him to Ask You Out
- Book Giveaway! | The Circle Maker
Yap! It’s about that time they started talking…!
THANK YOU for giving ladies permission to ask a man’s intentions. Girls, it is ALWAYS okay for you to ask a guy what his intentions are for your relationship!
Yes, it’s so important for women to feel empowered to ask questions and not just let men string us along.
Everyone has there own personal experience with dating. What I have discovered is that some will succeed and some will fail. This “man up” idea has been preached at me over and over again. Down here, I have observed and been a part of the church/dating scene (I don’t know what else to call it) The men, including myself, have always “Manned Up”. The result: You get to go out on that first date where the woman tells you, before you get to dinner, that she does not want to date you. Or you get that cancelled date where the woman forgets to tell you that she is still married until right before the date. I have also had the idea of not dating someone you wouldn’t marry preached at me. This idea has been so twisted in the church. “You betta not been a sinner before if you gonna date me!” Ultimately, this means that attractive people are MORE LIKELY to succeed in dating than unattractive people. I think everyone wants to tap dance around that fact, but what do you say to that guy who has “Manned Up” (with good intentions) and been deemed a “Creeper”?
Dang!! I didn’t mean for this to be a reply to another comment!
Plain and simple I would tell him to stop being a “Creeper”. People aren’t deemed “Creepers” by a majority unless it is true. Also working out, proper hygiene and some personality are required.
Wow, Ryan, I guess you have it all figured out.
I’m one of them creepy fat non-hygienic southern boys. lol
I’ve tried asking a guy what his intentions were, and he said he was unsure because he hadn’t heard from God what to do. It seems like fear to me. I told him that, he said, “that’s a good though.” and that was it.
Hi Deans!
Thank you for the post, funny enough I have started writing an article on what it means to Man Up and Woman up, this was a bit helpful. However I don’t agree with some things.
“Tell her kindly you won’t be calling anymore because you aren’t interested in a romantic relationship. It will sting a little for her, but it’s better than leading her on for months and her having 372 discussions with her friends”
I would really rather not get hurt and ask myself what I did wrong or if I’m not good enough for him, or enforce a perception that my brothers are not trustworthy (toy with your heart and bounce). I prefer to be guarded as much as I will guard him. The brother can ask for one on one time (informally, should not pour his heart out and overwhelm me). Get to know me and build a friendship and that way when/if he develops feelings (break ups are not nice and sometimes get messy and hurt one’s perspective), he has my character and personality in mind… Leading me on is just down right evil.
I am also guilty of over analysing things because I am afraid of being hurt, and I don’t want to lock my heart up until it’s calloused with all kinds of rock and bitter-mould on it. So, I need whoever is going to be my boyfriend-turned-husband, to be a friend and to keep praying for me (as I am for him), and never make light of it. Also, I need a man who is going to step up and actually ask me out than one who paves his way to singleness with text messages and empty pursuits which get me confused and having to ask what exactly is going on between us… Men, trust me when I say this… It’s exhausting and it’s not a role I ought to be playing. Be authentic and try, just don’t be reckless (that’s not sexy, it’s immature).
This was an interesting article. I liked reading your thoughts though Lerato -and I agree with you. “Get to know me and build a friendship and that way when/if he develops feelings.. he has my character and personality in mind… “
Ms. Beth Ann – Not that I EVER understood this awful game, but are you not describing the dreaded “friend zone” for guys who “try to build a friendship”?
Amen, Lerato! I found your advice more sagacious than that of the article. I understand why we shouldn’t ‘over-spiritualise” but at the same time I think the dating culture is what causes so many problems. We can’t deny the fact that it is an emotional investment and one that isn’t worth making on a whim. It’s all very well to say ‘let them down gently once you know they aren’t right’ but I’d rather not have been put in that position in the first place. A defined friendship is a much safer foundation than ‘sample dating’ as the article suggest. I as a woman do not date. There are others like me. Before I put myself in that position, yes I will pray and expect God’s spirit to lead me so I don’t emotionally invest in the wrong relationship, no matter how brief it is. Some of us are more damaged by these things than others not to mention the spiritual distraction it could become. Dating and marriage are important but not the be all and end all. Let’s stop being defined by these things, live our lives, fulfil our purpose and change the world for God’s glory. I believe marriage should find you according to God’s season-especially women-rather than us constantly pining after it. Apart from anything it distorts your motives for getting married in the first place.
In some ways I think the dating culture encouraged in the article is as disingenuous as those men who make vague emotional promises but nothing concrete. It still allows you to ”play the field’ to an extent, keeping your options open. God knows from the outset who is compatible for you. There’s nothing wrong with being patient and waiting for His leading and THEN ‘man up’ and ask her out. As a female I would encourage that above anything else.
Shalom, Miss T
Eish im in that situation of seeking a truly christian girl,but im afraid to aproach the girl due to disapointment,thats why i prefer to connect things wth god before i aproach the girl
Oh Heavens, this needed to be written! AMEN!
HAHA. What’s your experience? DO SHARE!
I kind of was hanging out with a male friend after church in the car park for over an hour for a whole year and over.
He would give off these confusing vibes.
He told me once that it was deceptive to look for women at church.
As far as I know He is single and very prayerful and way beyond the marriageable age.
I just decided this gentleman was just not in this world told him in a round about way and went my way.
His excuse? He was laid back. I thought you could be laid back and still show you are interested.
Being single and in church is tough!
You either get these old men who are in their twilight years seeking women 20 years their junior or nothing. Something must give, I wonder what God would say when we meet.
Great post. Let’s hear it for clear communications, clear intentions, and clear decision-making. Sometimes it is so easy to spiritualize the things we would rather avoid facing in our daily lives. I am a big fan of Harris and his book, but I think it also takes courage to listen to your heart and to take out after the things in life it points you towards, be that a certain career, ministry, or mate. Spiritual living encompasses action as well as supplication. As I heard it said years ago, “It’s hard to steer a parked car.”
I love this. So much.
When someone asks you to a coffee/dinner/movie date and you are confused about intentions, it’s really easy to ask playfully, “So…like a date?”
It answers the question for me.
I love this, Caitlin! Great advice;)
Thank you Beth. i think sometimes we all forget that we are all human, a heart is a very delicate thing and should be guarded (well of life). But we can’t recklessly led by our hearts because its deceitaboveelse.Friendship guards all parties.
Last night my youth group here at school was talking about dating and answering the typical questions. But one thing that was said that really did stand out to me (even though I do have a boyfriend) is what he called covenant friendships. That you sacrifice your time to be friends and be friendly to people, men and women, and having these friendships will better determine in what direction feelings are headed. And if the man and woman decided they wanted to see each other more that it continues as a friendship rather than starting a mini marriage, where it is everything in a marriage without the vows and true lifelong commitment.
Love that. Thank u for sharing that.
Thanks for all the comments, keep them coming! Men are definitely up to the task of asking girls out. I challenge guys all the time to take that step.
Michael
I have definitely had more girl friends hurt by guys leading them on without asking them out, than girl friends hurt by it not working out after 2-3 dates.
Just a hint for those nice guys out there who really are stalling for the right reasons!
I have noticed this phenomenon at church and actually the hot girls are getting asked out ALL THE TIME. Too much. It’s the same girl getting asked out by every single guy at church and she politely declines.
So I don’t think it’s an issue of dudes needing to “man up” but rather dudes looking past initial hotness.
Thank you for writing this. I am 26 and still single. It seems that there are more and more men who would rather be pursued by women or not take the initiative to move a relationship forward toward marriage. It makes me really sad but I just keep praying for the men in my life and for my future husband to be the leaders and initiators that God created them to be.
Well stated!
There is a taboo against dating out there and that needs to change.
My one question of challenge to women would be to hold men to that standard.
The article “Don’t text back” speaks into this a bit.
Also, I think, women should consider why men have issues with this area and I would argue that many men are afraid to ask the girl out not because they lack the guys but because they honestly don’t want to hurt the women.
So the mindset needs to change about dating being a slow process, a discernment, to decide if the other person could be a good lifelong partner. Too many women marry themselves emotionally to the man on the first date.
A slow, more frequent, relaxed approach would allow the men to be men.
And things like a profile picture together and a public relationship only speedup the process and cloud your ability to think about it.
The men are there and they will grow, but wait and keep your standards high for how they should treat you.
Sorry for the grammer…
Thanks for commenting, Peter! It’s always nice to hear from the men. Agreed that women are excusing the ‘non-dating’ men by putting up with it. I agree with you that women need to be more relaxed and not have their expectations too high at the beginning.
Are you kidding? Most women today have an attitude that they are too good for any man, and that men bring nothing to the table in any dating relationship. Since women are firmly convinced that men are generally worthless, dating has deteriorated into two canps: THEM AND US!!!
What a great article! Not so sure how I came across this but it spoke volumes to me. I have had my share of hurtful relationships with christian guys that I think I am starting to wonder if this will ever happen for me. I go to a very big church with hundreds of great looking guys who are just too afraid to ask and those who have have different intentions in mind.
With the kind of program I am studying, I find that Christian guys are so intimated to pursue a lasting relationship because they are afraid that I may not exactly be “wife materail.” I am doing my second year of medical school right now, and this has not exactly been in my favor, and this has been an issue with many of my christian sisters in professional careers (law school, pharmacy school, medical school). This may sound bizarre but I have friends making up or not being honest with guys about what they study because they do not want to scare them away. Most of my doctor friends say things like ” I am a doctors assistant, or I work in the health care field” because they do not what the guys will think about them if they are upfront about their true careers as physicians.
In my own experience, I have had guys say things like “I do not know how you will fit into my mission, I have to pray about it, you are going to be so busy as a doctor, I do not know if I can wait that long before you finish medical school, ” and the list goes on. I do not know if this is fear or intimidation. I think christian guys definitely need to man up and pursue christian sisters in professional schools or at least give them the benefit of a doubt.
What’s to man up about? Men may not find professional women desirable, because we’re pretty certain they’d put their careers before us, considering how much time, effort, and money they’ve put into them. Women should realize that there’s almost never anything innately attractive to a man about a woman’s career. Also, when a young woman is pursuing professional school, she’s typically using up her most youthful, fertile, and attractive years pursuing something that might be noble from a societal standpoint but does little if anything to attract a husband to her. There’s nothing wrong with a woman being a doctor or a lawyer, but she should know there’s likely going to be a trade-off. The only caveat I can think of is that you’ll probably meet quite a few men in graduate school and so forth, but having two professionals in a marriage can also have its difficulties I would think.
Smh….Wow.
That is, by far, the most sexist and insecure thing I’ve ever heard a man say. “Women should realize that there’s almost never anything innately attractive to a man about a woman’s career.” Then followed up by, “There’s nothing wrong with a woman being a doctor or a lawyer, but she should know there’s likely going to be a trade-off.” And just would this trade off be? That if a Christian woman chooses to be a doctor, she can’t complain when Christian men are too scared and insecure to pursue her? What kind of nonsensical thinking is that??
Your logic is all types of messed up. Like any and every profession, everyone has motives for the careers they choose. Some it’s money. Some it’s security. Some prestige. Some to help people. Some it’s because it’s what they genuinely love to do. Some it’s because it’s what God called them to do. Some it’s a combination of all the above.
You’re obviously of the belief that women should not pursue “overly ambitious careers” like medicine or law, as it is not conducive for being a homemaker and raising a family; furthermore, the process to attain such careers is soooo long that she will be too old and ugly for any self-respecting god-fearing man to desire. Are you kidding me?? Perhaps what you’re really getting at is that you are scared that a career woman would not make a good wife because she would be too selfish to make any necessary career sacrifices for her family? I could go on and on about how you are TERRIBLY mistaken with that logic, but I’m not writing this to start an argument with you about why it’s wrong to discourage women from seeking careers (in ANY field) and aspiring to be anything more than homemakers.
Have you ever considered this senario:
A woman, who has had a proclivity for the sciences since an early age, honor student, enjoyed learning about the human body and how it works. Always enjoyed serving people as well. She also enjoyed dance and music and art. She enjoyed learning to cook, clean, keep a home. O yea, and she’s also beautiful and believes in God’s design for marriage (wives submitting to their husbands, the whole 9). Her parents encouraged her as a child to pursue whatever her heart desires, but to use her gifts and talents to serve the LORD. Fast forward to young adulthood, the LORD has opened MANY doors for this young woman to pursue a career in medicine. She has the gifts and the God given desire. Are you seriously going to say that this woman should not be a physician, even though God is CLEARLY leading her down that road, in order to make herself available to be a wife for some insecure man who? Or you’re saying if she chooses to follow God’s calling on her life to be a doctor that’s all fine and dandy, but she should expect the “trade off” of being alone due to men not finding such a career woman attractive?
Newsflash:
Plenty of female physicians marry. And are still fertile when they marry. And have kids. And are able to keep their homes up and their husbands happy. Our lifestyle may look unconventional, and it is when compared to women who are stay at home moms, but so what? How a woman runs her home should be the business of her and her husband, and no one else. So my point is, you do what works for YOUR family, and you don’t pass judgment on other people’s situations and speak on things that you don’t know anything about.
Christian women should be encouraged to seek the LORD’s face as to what His calling is on their lives. Then they should obey Him. Period. God is obviously more than capable of providing a secure, confident, loving, God-fearing husband to his daughters that desire marriagee…even his daughters that are in high-power careers.
“Waaaaaaaaaa”
For a woman who is so talented as you are. So gifted as you are you spend a lot of time defending yourself. A confident, Godly woman wouldn’t have to.
I just found this article and I’m a 23 year old christian and I have never had a serious relationship. Not for lack of trying as this article would imply. I have “asked girls out” as specified in this article, coffee, lunch,… Stuff like that and all that gets me is another friend. I’m not trying to be negative but this article and others like it put the blame on men and usually there is no mention of how women want the bad boy type and not the safe nice guy whether they are christian or not. Im tired of trying to get a christian girls attention only to hear ” your too much of a good friend” basically anything along the lines of its not you it’s me, within a month that same girl is dating a “cool guy” outside the church. I’m not putting all the blame on women, really I’m blaming our society today. Am I completely off base?
Quit trying to date the women at your church. By now word has gotten around that you have asked out a few of them. Women talk to one another and you might be getting a negative reputation of sorts. They may have you in friendship jail. You are going to have to find a woman outside your church. Get on the computer dating services to find a Christian woman. You say “I’m tired of trying to get a Christian girls attention only to hear ” your too much of a good friend” basically anything along the lines of its not you it’s me, within a month that same girl is dating a “cool guy” outside the church.” You said it yourself. You are in friendship jail. The women will date someone outside of their church. You are going to have to be the cool guy outside of someone else’s church. Forget about the women at your church. Get on a dating site.
I think that it is pretty true that in general people are getting married later and later in our society. I know how you feel…I am 25 years old and never been in a serious relationship either. But I know that it is worth the wait. Just pray for the girl that you will marry and leave it up to God because He will take care of everything!
You will never get anywhere using shame. The wall goes up whenever I hear the phrase “Man up.”
I don’t mean to be a downer but I totally disagree. Young men aren’t asking because there is no incentive to ask. You’re basically telling them to step up to the slaughter like sheep and why shouldn’t you? Women have NOTHING to lose in the marriage arrangement these days and everything to gain. The courts and society are all seriously stacked against men. If he cheats, he loses half of everything……if she cheats, he STILL loses half of everything. Even the whole “sex” thing is a total lie. Sex, even in christian marriage, is more like a dog treat to be handed out for being a good boy…..not some intimate act that God actually intended it to be where both people become closer.
I’m on my second marriage. I married a non-believer the first time out. She had an affair and left me for dead in a hospital. I deserve what I got for disobeying God by marrying a non-believer. My second marriage, however, is to a believer and sometimes she’s just as much of a feminazi as my first wife was. I can’t count how many times I’ve said “if I had it to do all over again I would not marry at all” and I try as much as I can to pass that on to other young men so they dont get raped emotionally and financially by women like I have. I would not, under any circumstance, try to influence a young man to marry, quite the opposite. A young man should take his eyes off of chicks and put it on Jesus while beating his body (flesh) into submission to the Spirit as Paul talks about.
Point taken. Fair enough.
I was in Kyle’s situation myself. It hurts. It’s real. It’s out there. I spent a lot of time depressed and very angry over it. While this anger was festering, bitterness set in badly. It drove me further from Christ. While I was being enabled, life was passing me by. I finally had to accept, change, or stay where I was.
Look, I get annoyed with the state of dating in our Christian culture. There is a ton of blame to go around…..but I will not be held accountable for someone “losing their faith” because of their own choice and have it thrown on me.
I’ll tone it down. I’ll sit back and lay out a few bars. Have a good day, and upcoming weekend.
-Jason
Thanks Jason! I appreciate you understanding. Have a good weekend as well.
Michael