Was He the One? | After the Breakup
Today’s guest post is from Amanda Altice. I’m so grateful for her vulnerbility and courage to share her story with us! She is a single mom of two beautiful daughters-Jordan and Taylor-and made an extremely tough decision to leave an abusive relationship and then leave a great man who after five years refused to commit. She clings to God’s unconditional love, daily.
Amanda writes:
Thirteen years ago, at the ripe old age of 19, I packed up and left an abusive relationship with my precious 2 year old and 3 month old girls in tow. I moved from a small town to a big city; for the first time I was on my own; I was terrified and truly alone. As a high school dropout I found a job making minimum wage and after getting my GED I worked hard to put myself through business school. I struggled financially, emotionally, mentally. These were hard times.
In the first few years as a “single mom” I was so desperately lonely. I wanted SO badly to find the “man of my dreams” and to have the “perfect little family.” I slept with my abusive ex on occasion over the first year trying to fill the empty void, only to be left feeling emptier. Once I gained strength to refuse him, I began to let new people (and possibilities) into my life. After a few one-night stands that left me feeling emptier than ever before, I decided that I would no longer seek out “Mr. Perfect”. If there indeed was a “Mr. Perfect” for me out there, I was going to wait and let God bring him to me.
Five years ago, God answered my prayers and sent the most wonderful, loving man into my life. He was more respectful, God loving, and caring than I ever knew a man could be. He defied all my previous notions and ingrained beliefs about men. HE was the ONE.
Or was he . . .
We each entered into our relationship carrying heavy loads of baggage. Now, I’m not referring to added complications of dating with children involved (my then 7 & 9 year olds and his three boys).
I’m speaking of a baggage much weightier than that; the baggage of unhealed pain and sorrow. For him it was the breakup of a 20-year marriage; for me it was years of childhood neglect followed by an abusive relationship.
We had an instant chemistry, an easy friendship, and an incredibly strong love for one another. Despite this, we argued ALL the time. Living apart, I only saw him on weekends at most with an occasional weeknight visit. I felt as though I had a part-time boyfriend instead of a future husband. I began to question whether or not he was really right for me. He treated me well, better than anyone EVER had. He was sweet and tender. He was patient and kind. He loved me for me, including all my flaws. Best of all he loved the Lord deeply.
…but, was HE the right one for ME? Over the next few years the little voice kept asking that same question. After five years invested, my love and respect for him dwindled because he made no attempts to make me his wife, I finally decided to listen to that little voice.
I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to let him go, to be alone again. Having a man in my life gave me a sense of safety and protection. It provided me a kind of love I didn’t seem to be able to find anywhere else. It filled a void that had been empty and aching for so long. How was I going to do this on my own? I had done this on my own for FAR TOO LONG. I wrestled with the decision for six months before following through. I didn’t want to let him go, but I knew in my heart it was what God had been nudging me to do.
Since the “breakup” seven months ago, I’ve realized that God is the only one who can provide me the protection and unconditional love that I desire. It’s a daily struggle for me to trust in HIM fully for these desires, but I know that HE is the only way. I cling to the hope that God will send me someone new, someone just right for me. I pray I will not have to continue to do it alone. But until then, I have once again decided not to seek love, but instead to allow God to guide to the love my hearts longs for. In my brokenness, I will continue to seek God . . . for His wisdom, strength, and love. For this God we worship is always, always faithful.
Have any of you ever wondered after a breakup if he was ‘the One?’ Has it ever seemed like God brought someone into your life, only to leave you incredibly broken and disppointed? How did you cope with this confusion?
If you liked this post, you may also like:
- Forgiveness Won’t Fix Your Toxic Relationship
- After the Breakup | Finding Myself
- A Broken Engagement and a God Who Changes Hearts
- You May Not Have an Answer, but You Always Have a Song
I sincerely do NOT believe that God would EVER bring anyone someone who will leave them “incredibly broken and disappointed.”Ever.
I think that the relationships that we experience that are like that are the ones we rush into because we are afraid. I know this from experience. I knew that Jesus was telling me to stay away from someone and I didn’t listen and I still feel the consequences. It was so sad to realize how my disobedience hurt my relationship with Jesus.
Single ladies, Jesus is our protector. Women do not need a man to complete them; men do not need women to complete them: Colossians 2:8 “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. 9 For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” We are complete in Jesus. Jesus is so Faithful to give us good things, but sometimes we have to wait. I’m so glad that we do. Personally, I know I’m not ready to be married and I’m grateful that my precious Heavenly Father knows that.
Ana Sofia ~ thank you for commenting on my post. I agree that God would never bring us to someone who will leave them broken and disappointed. That is the last thing God wants for us.
I do believe that God does take the mess we create from our poor decisions and turns them into something great. For me, although the relationship ended, I learned what is was like to be treated with respect and kindness. Most importantly, I had never had that before in a relationship. God knew I made a poor choice, but he turned it into a valuable lesson for me, that I will never forgot.
The harder lesson for me, is that we indeed DO NOT need a man to complete us. Only God has the power to do that.
Thank you for reminding us, with God’s words, just how truly faithful HE is.
God Bless,
Amanda
I am going through a tremendous amount of pain and anxiety due to the breakup I am going through. I have been praying like a zealot and very conscience that this is of God’s will now. I ignored each and every sign that was given to me and that is why I am going through anguish. It is not because I blame the cheating man I allowed into my life but because I am angry with myself for being so foolish. I have gained so much more faith now within this messy situation. I love your encouragement and thank God each day for the power of his hand. We are so small in comparison to his Almighty Majesty. Please pray for me in this time and that I do not fall weak and contact this man. He has manipulated me and I am so worried about my own strength. I keep praying and the pain comes in waves. Bless all of those that are dealing with a giant in their lives. I will pray for all pain to be left at the feet of Jesus. Amen
Amanda- You are so inspiring! Thank you for sharing.. I went through a horrible breakup from a 2 year relationship and I also thought He was “the one”. This was almost a year ago .. and even though it was very tough when it happened. I have grown SO much since then and God has also strengthened my faith in ways I never knew He could! I still play back in my head if my ex is “the one” and if he’d ever come back into my life?.. however God reminds me that He has someone soo much better for me. Thank you again .. and Ruthie- I have just LOVED this weeks blog entries.. Great timing and much needed!
Allison – thank you!
It’s hard not to wonder… “what if?” When it comes to relationships, we invest so much of ourselves that it is truly devastating when things don’t work out.
The important thing is learn from it and to pull closer to God. HE will never fail us!
I know HE has someone just right for you. Hang in there and hold fast to God. HE is faithful.
God Bless,
Amanda
What a hard question to have to ask… I’m young, and I haven’t made any of the “really big mistakes” that some others have made, but still I’m seeing my friends starting to get married and have children, or at least seem to be happy with their single lives, and I’m left lonely. A close guy friend that I prayed for and cared about for two years finally began to show interest…right before deciding to move away for work. He hasn’t made any effort to keep in contact, much less pursue me, and I’m missing him, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m caught between asking God to bring him back into my life or just doing all I can to forget and move on. I don’t know what God has in store, and I know I’m powerless to guard my heart or to “have a better attitude” or outlook. It really helps to have people like you, Amanda, and Ruthie, who are willing to share your stories and speak to us openly and honestly. You are great encouragements to us, and just your stories and testimonies are a ministry. Thank you for being a blessing.
Hi Joy,
So sorry for your heartache and loneliness, I know how painful and discouraging it can be. But I know God has something great in store for you and for me… for all of us.
I know you miss this guy …the conversation, attention, companionship, etc. However, someday when you meet the “the right one” you’ll realize why he wasn’t the one.
Don’t lose hope, for God is faithful even when we falter. You are not powerless; seek strength in HIM and he will provide. Hang in there.
Many blessings,
Amanda
Amanda, your story is just what I needed to hear today. It’s so true and mirrors the longings I think that most women have especially as they get older. I don’t think that God brings men into our lives for disappointment. I think that happens when we make poor choices or at least for me thedisappointment comes when I’m not adhering to God’s red flags that he is waving so high!
My heart still struggles to grasp that God is all we need to complete us. I know that, yet I just feel like my heart doesn’t understand it.
Great post, just loved it & I pray God brings you someone really wonderful, Amanda!!!
Thank you Sarah. So glad my story touched you in some way.
It’s so hard sometimes to remember how loving God is in the midst of our pain. Yet, for most of us, that is when we remember to turn to him. It’s important to remember to seek his wisdom & guidance even in the good times.
I appreciate your kind words and prayers, and pray for God to fill you heart with the wisdom and truth of his love.
God Bless,
Amanda
hi amanda. greetings from china.
your story blessed me so much!thank you. im supposed to do my master’s thesis writing now, i have to submit in 2 days, but i feel tooooo lonely. so i went thru google and just ramdomly searched ‘lonely’. found your story that motivates me a lot. thanks for sharing amanda… i broke up with my ex 4 months ago here at the same uni. i ve been trying to forget, trying to be strong, yes i am now. but not to the fullest. cant really let him go. i hate him so much but all the good and sweet memories are still on my mind. one thing that raised me up is that god promise to give the best according to his will. so i just believe in god. in him. all things happened about the love story were just lessons learn, so i can fly high and stronger like an eagle flying up through the storm.thanks so much for your story. i dont really have anybody to talk about this relationship and connect it with my belief. glad you wrote something about this.
hope. trust.
dinah,
Just come across this article while I was looking for inspiration and motivation articles and blogs. I’m going through some really hard times. 4 days ago I came to know the man that I always thought that “he was the one” is planning on marrying someone else after staying together for almost one year. I meat him after a very bad break up. I prayed to God for husband and he gave me exactly what I had prayed for. Nothing less nothing more. He was the perfect one. But here I am once again Nursing a break up. Thank your so much for this.