When God gives her a husband and you’re still single
Photo Credit: Creative Commons, doistrakh
Her email landed in my inbox just after 2am.
“How could God give her a husband and not me? I’ve gone home alone a million times when she went home with a guy. I’ve waited and saved myself for my husband and she hasn’t. She’s cleaned up her act recently but she’s only spent 6 months dating the “right way” and she gets the amazing Christian man?! I mean her husband is perfect. I’m so heartbroken. I’m not even mad at my friend. I’m mad at God. How could He? How could I do all the right things and him bless her instead of me? It’s like it doesn’t even matter what I do or who I date. . .”
Her sentiment is something we’ve all experienced.
You do the right thing and God blesses your friend who chose the wrong path. You wait for marriage, your friend doesn’t-and she and her husband have carefree, easy sex while you struggle. You followed all the rules during your pregnancy, she didn’t, and your baby has something wrong. You chose a career in full-time ministry and it feels like God blesses everyone else except you. She gets the husband and you’re still alone.
We follow Jesus and the path is wrecked with heartbreak.
Part of my story is one where I’ve examined my circumstances and said, “God? Hello?”
Or if I’m really being honest, “What the hell are you doing, God? Do you even care? How could you let this happen?”
It’s hard when we are doing the right things, and we see people doing the wrong things receiving the blessings that we desire. Maybe it’s a husband for you, or perhaps a certain job. Maybe it’s school acceptance or healing for a family member. Whatever the circumstance, it’s common to compare and wonder what God is doing for others and not doing for us. Is He even in control?
For me, I moved to China to be a missionary and expected God to protect me from what I considered worst-case-scenario. But He didn’t. He spared my friends, but allowed me to go through something extraordinarily difficult. It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that following Christ or doing the right thing or dating the right way didn’t guarantee blessings. In theory, I rejected this prosperity Gospel, but my frustration with God displayed otherwise. I was, and still often am, entitled. I felt like God “owed” me.
I love to remind women that God is a good Dad because that truth took me more than a decade to realize. Let’s look at the email above from this lens. Why would God reward a ‘prodigal’ sister with a husband and allow you to stay single? Does He know what is best? Does He even have a plan? Does He care about you . . .about me?
We want to say “yes”. But is blind trust enough?
Recently, I talked with a woman who described this monumental day in her faith journey. She was convinced she was dirty and could never be redeemed because of her relationship decisions. After hearing about God’s grace and mercy, she ran outside crying and sat underneath draping trees on her college campus because she just didn’t believe that mercy was for someone like her. At the time of her deepest despair, a gust of wind came and she heard the word, “Tirzah”. She had no idea what the meaning of the word, but heard it twice more.
Later she learned that Tirzah means “she is my delight”.
Take a minute to let that soak in-Dad says we are his delight, his beloved. When we measure our circumstances or compare our blessings to that of another, it’s easy to feel slighted, overlooked, and even abandoned. But when we open our eyes to the grand story happening all around us, we see the astounding beauty that leaves us speechless. God delights in me. He delights in you. He is a good Dad loves you and blesses you no matter what you did or didn’t do. Not an obligatory love, but a love that delights in who you are.
I don’t know why some women find husbands and others remain single. I don’t know why God healed her family, but not your own. I don’t know why your growing baby has a deformity. But I do know that we miss the panoramic, expansive view of grace if we are focused on everyone else’s story.
Can you relate? Have you ever felt slighted by God, like He’s blessing everyone else except you?
If you liked this post, you may also like:
- What great husbands are made of
- What do you really want?
- He Chose Me | Fully Known & Fully Loved
- Will God love my baby?
Sometimes we get so caught up in our own situation that we don’t realize that God is busy doing something bigger. Comparison is the thief of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strenght. He is enough, and we can rest in that thought. He delights over us. I love that! Thank you for sharing Ruthie!
So glad it spoke to you, Nadia. Great thoughts here!
Maybe if God is enough, everyone should remain single with no spousal distractions. maybe if God is enough, we shouldn’t worry about working, eating etc…..but God made us with desires besides wanting Him. They are supposed to be complimentary desires., not contradictory ones. You can fill the cup with Agape love, but the desire for Philia and Eros doesn’t just disappear, God hard wired us that way….
THANK YOU Paul. I’m so tired of hearing “God is more than enough for you”. Especially from women who have been married for 10, 20, 30 plus years. I love the Lord, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it feels like he’s the ultimate tease. Hardwiring a desire within your heart but denying it from you.
Story: Marrying Later in Life
The Vaughans and Elliotts understand better than most about the frustration of waiting to find a mate.
by Shana Schutte
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Story: Marrying Later in Life
When Thinking About Marrying a Non-Believer
Next Steps / Related Information
Like most men, Joel Vaughan wanted to marry, so he prayed for a mate and dated as often as he could. But more than 10 years after high school graduation, he still hadn’t found his wife.
Then, while in his mid-30s, he was organizing the details of a conference. A package he needed for the event had not arrived the morning it was due. Desperate, Joel did everything he could. Still no package. Miraculously, only minutes before the seminar started, a courier walked into his office and handed him the prized box. Filled with gratitude, Joel silently thanked God for the delivery.
That’s when he felt he heard God speak to his heart. In the same way I brought this box, I’ll bring your wife. When you have done everything you can, then I will bring her.
Joel laughs now and says that, by the time he turned 42 and moved to Colorado Springs to work for Focus on the Family, he wondered if he’d just “eaten some bad chili” the night before and hadn’t heard from God at all. Still, he continued praying and enjoyed dating, but without long-term success.
Then one day, almost two years after moving to Colorado, he unexpectedly met his future wife, Kellie, while picking up his mail. She purchased the town home next to his and had just moved in. Weeks later, when Joel discovered Kellie also worked for Focus, he thought, “God could be doing something.”
Indeed, He was.
After their first meeting, Kellie and Joel became good friends, danced their way to love in a ballroom class, then tied the knot a year and a half after they met. Joel now jokes that not only did God “deliver” his wife just as He promised, He brought her right to his mailbox; a true mail-order bride.
Brian and Cindy Elliott, like Joel and Kellie, also wondered if they would ever find “the one.” But unlike the Vaughans, they didn’t meet at a mailbox, but on a dance floor of the Queen Mary when they both attended a Christian Singles dinner dance. Both were 38 years old when they walked the aisle.
Joel, Kellie, Brian and Cindy are like an increasing number of singles who are marrying later in life. They understand better than most about the frustration that can result from waiting and praying to find a mate. And they are also well-acquainted with the joys and challenges of marrying later than the average person.
So if you’re an older single and you want to get married, here is some advice from four people who’ve been there:
There’s Not Necessarily Something “Wrong With You” if You’re Still Single
The Vaughans and Elliotts know what it’s like to face the stereotype of having something “wrong with you” if you’re older and still single. Thankfully, when each of them explains why they didn’t marry earlier, they agree that it was due to not meeting the right person. In retrospect, all see God’s sovereignty in action.
“God brought Cindy at just the right time,” Brian says.
This can be comforting for many singles who fear that they can’t find a mate because of their flaws.
“He [God] can overrule our inadequacies,” Brian says. “You don’t have to be perfect [to meet someone].”
While it’s important to improve your emotional and spiritual health while you’re single, remember that everyone is a work in progress and that God ultimately controls every detail of your life.
Marrying Later Doesn’t Mean You’ll Have a Harder Time Complementing Your Mate
It’s commonly thought that couples who marry later in life will automatically have a more difficult time uniting as a couple because each spouse is set in his or her own ways. Not so for either couple.
“Kellie and I have found it very easy to blend,” Joel says. “She and I were extremely grateful the Lord brought someone to us …after years of wondering and waiting,” which he says helped them merge their lives together.
Cindy Elliott agrees: “[When I married], I was surprised at the perspective I had on what’s important and what’s not.”
She doesn’t worry about minor problems like her children’s fingerprints on the refrigerator because she is just grateful to have a family. This has made blending easier than she anticipated.
If You Want to Get Married, Do Something!
Both the Vaughans and the Elliotts also say that marrying later can be challenging because it becomes more difficult to find a suitable mate. But many Christian men, Joel and Brian suggest, don’t take the initiative to find a wife.
“A common complaint I hear from single Christian women is that Christian men don’t do anything,” Joel says.
“Some people believe that God is a magic genie,” Brian says. “They say they’re not going to work on their issues but expect God to magically bring someone to them. You need to learn about yourself and learn about others.”
In short, both men agree that guys should get busy and initiate!
Take Advantage of Your Single Season
In retrospect, Cindy wishes that she would have taken better advantage of her “single season” by focusing more on God.
Joel agrees.
“The Apostle Paul was very clear. You can serve God better being single,” he says. Of course, there is intense emotional pain that can come from being alone. But God is always faithful. “Realize that the key to everything else in life is to get closer to God.”
So while you’re waiting, praying and dating, develop a heart of gratitude and service to bless God and others.
Copyright © 2008, Shana Schutte. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
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Agreed. I recently broke into tears because my 29 year old best friend was getting married on my 35th birthday.vIts tough. And I get so freakin tired of feeling like I should somehow always feel happy that Im still sinsingle just because Im a Christian. I still have the deep longing for a spouse. And although Im trying not to be negative & complain about my singleness, its not easy sometimes!! I still feel like God has forgotten me. Thats just the honest truth
joining a group on facebook called Two become one founded by teri allen it has the best godliest advice that worksbor bethany scalon book wheres my mate
Way to go Paul!!! My heart exactly!
Agreed, Paul! No “rose-colored” glasses for me. Singleness is hard!
When I was in college, Mommy and Daddy were paying everyone’ else’s bills. I had to work three jobs while taking a full course load. Everyone else easily found a spouse when they needed one, I could not find anyone. In addition, everyone else found a cushy 9-5 job, while I had to work the night shift for years on end, which ruined my health. Now, that I need a kidney transplant, because they thought I should work a job that they were not willing to work, no one wants to help me with a transplant. I never did anything to them and I helped them numerous times. I see that everyone else has a perfect spouse, perfect kids, perfect job, never fired or laid off, except me. Yes, I worked full-time for 30 years and nothing has changed. However, at some point, enough is enough. I am going to discontinue giving to charity and other people, they need to grow up at some point and work like me. I was faithful, God was not. I have been given the “Everyone one else is more important than you” speech every day for around 30 years. So, the charity window is closed shut and others are going to be ignored.
Late in replying to this but I’m sorry for everything you’ve been thru Joe. Sounds a lot like my life. I also had to work to put myself thru college, I was the only one out of all my family and friends who could not find a good paying good (even with my college degree) so I ended up working 2-3 jobs every single day (including weekends and holidays with only 2 vacations in TEN years!) for 10 yrs straight and I ended up ruining my health. Was diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune illness at age 29, family ignored me and I was abandoned by all I thought were friends. My life has gotten only worse since then. Everyone else i know has great jobs, spouses, kids, houses, travels, etc etc…. not me. Never had any of it and never will. I agree 1000% with your comment… “I was faithful, God was not”. I’m so done.
Hi Joe n Marie,
Your posts above really moved me. I can understand your pain and your frustration and despair with God. I am not here to blame or criticise but I just wish you would consider the following few verses as an encouragement in God’s word because though you both seem to be done with God I am sure God is not done with you. God has a perfect plan for each and everyone of us as he says in Jer 29:11. In 1 Cor 10:13 God says he will not give us more than we can handle. I ve had some hard times too but I know that a lot of these were due to my own wrong choices even if God had warned me I did not listen to his voice. But all I ve gone through helped me grow stronger in character and in faith. I like to think that God has a special plan for me otherwise the devil won’t be fighting so much to prevent that plan from happening. Please allow me to suggest one final verse to you. God tells us in Mat 11:28-30 to come to him when we are weary and discharge everything on him. When I was in your position at some point I kept having these messages God was talking to me to tell me stop controlling and let your Father drive you. And I pulled away from everything. Broken relationship weary jobs abstaining from further choices. At that time I said to God. OK I quit everything now you lead me where you want me to be in your perfect plan and God has provided and is still providing me with marvellous blessings. And I know for sure he will do the same for you if you allow him to take charge of your life. Be Blessed sisters.
Xie – I’m sure you mean well, but I respectfully disagree with you. I am dead inside from having to fight for so long with no relief. So I’m sorry to tell you, but God has certainly given me much more than I can handle, and I have no interest anymore in trying to follow his word or trying to figure out what he wants from me. I’m too exhausted to care anymore.
Nothing is impossible but we must start saying what God says and believe and remember we have an enemy who is going to fight tooth and nail for some Christians pray against the spirit of delay also be encouraged by this testimony
I know of a church member who is a grown man with a decent Job. This guy carries a toy light saber on his waist everywhere he goes. He really does. He dresses in Jedi robes sometimes in public or church. He prayed for a wife and right after wards he cleaned out his truck and put in a new seat cover on his old truck for his new wife he knew was coming. He cleaned up his house in expectation. He saved some money up for dates. He believed he had already received. He had faith.
Again, this guy wears a light saber! in public. all the time. what chances would you give him?
He was married to a girl in few short months after that. This girl was very pretty and a christian.
Is there hope for you? Ya there is hope for you. There is hope for even cat ladies and Jedi wanna Be’s if they have faith. If you don’t have faith then forget all about it.
“as your faith is so be it done unto you.”
Love when mixed with the word brings faith. “faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word.”
“speaking the truth in love you might grow up into him.”
“thy word is truth”
“faith works through love”
I just have to say this again, he WEARS a light saber! all THE TIME! God got him hitched. Tell me hes not a miracle worker! This is close to the “red sea miracle” one with me.
(the “Jedi” is a great person by the way and I like him, its just in the worlds eyes someone like that might have had a few problems getting married.) “P
(remember knowing God loves you will grow your faith when mixed with the word, not how much you love God)
I’m sure you area very nice person and you mean well, but maybe you don’t realize how condescending your post comes off. Don’t tell me I don’t have faith and that’s why I am not married. I had plenty of faith for years on end and got nothing. And plenty I know who have never believed God for anything have everything I have ever wanted. So that argument does not fly, and it’s very insulting to those of us who know we are/were VERY faithful for YEARS (some of us for more than 20 years) and we STILL sit here waiting. At this point you are right… I have no faith left. Apparently it was God’s will to break me down until I had no fight left…. He succeeded.
This post was copied from a blog called “Things God Taught Me” by Timothy Jordan. I’ve read it and posted replies to it. Tim Jordan takes a very strident tone in his blog, and has little patience with those who disagree with him or question him. Most of the entries are about getting answers to prayer, with some right-wing political posts and some end-times commentary. In a nutshell, his views on prayer are: if you aren’t getting prayers answered as you want, your faith is lacking; and if you don’t hear God’s voice or sense his presence, you are not “walking in love.” The entry that gets the most traffic is one where he claims to have prayed for a wife with specific physical characteristics, to come to him within two weeks, and she arrived in one week. Pretty fantastic claim he’s making. It would be wonderful if that happened for all of us.
Girly,
Your post is absolutely hilarious!!! The “light saber” is killing me. I’m late to the conversation, but I can relate to every message. I started praying for a mate at 23. I’m 43 and one “good egg” left to reproduce with. I’ve tried to forge a relationship with them all, out of desperation. Straight, Gay, Cripple, & Crazy!!!
but if you give up what do u have? you have the possibility of things turning around. look God doesnt promise ease and happiness you are just focusing on those ppl who are happy TODAY. But everyone has struggles, not following just puts you under His wrath and who needs that. I mean life is hard enough without God being your enemy.might i suggest following anyway, even if things are bad, let me tell if singleness is your pain, when you marry it will not be happy days everyday either, does that mean you give up on the marriage no..you stick with it..everyone has a breaking point and God knows that, so since you still have breath consider still using what you have for Him, whether things change or not. No one who really served God has a painfree life. noone..so when you compare your life to others you dont know what they gave up to have the things they have or what they sacrificed..or maybe they dont know Him like you do. so I would say be encourage and try to help someone in worse situation then you. if you are ill read joni earackson tada messages shes suffered more than.most. theres always something to b thankful for. im single might stay single but I can be thankful what ive experienced some ppl have never even had a boyfriend.
If I ever want to get married I have to find one on my own . God has had plenty of time to bring someone into my life
Whst I also need to continue to do is stop listening to fools who stamp Gods name on their opinions !!
It’s beyond me why people can’t put their own name on the bad advice they give
Telling others what God is perhaps doing when in fact is not needs to stop
Gods thoughts and ways are not our ways
When anyone tells me that God is doing this or that I immediately dismiss it
1. They aren’t God
2. God isn’t speaking thru them
3. They will not be manipulating me with their opinions
I’m 38 I want to get married and share my life with someone
Jesus is my savior but will and can never be my spouse
Hi Kathryn,
I know it’s easy to think that. I don’t think “God provides a spouse” and we can sit back and not do our part in putting ourself out there, meeting new people, etc. I am only speaking from my experience, so I’m sorry if it came across as hurtful.
You claim Jesus is your savior but your entire post sounds like you do not know the meaning of that and how God DOES speak/act through us sometimes.
Your opinion matters to you , get that
I agree with Kathryn….those guys who sere talking to Job thought they knew what was going on with Ob, but they did not know. Nothing that they said was edifying or accurate….just self righteous chitter chatter, and often times Christians thought out dumb, judgemental cliches and platitudes that really do not help the person that is hurting. Just wait until it happens to you. Maybe, some of what Kathryn says or how she says it may be tinged with bitterness, but she is right…..and sometimes things need to be said bluntly so that people will get the gravity of the situation. We are all to work out our soul salvation with fear and trembling, none of us was called to be judges over anyone elses walk with God.
I like this comment, I will have to use it.
,
I beg to differ. Go read the psalms and focus on David’s life. What a man of disappointments and frustrations he was, what a sinner! Yet God blessed him in the end. A man after God’s own heart? If Kathryn and any other singles feel frustrated, then God is big enough to deal with it. We can all only handle so much. Plus it was God Who hard wired the desire for a mate within us.
God did no such thing when he made me and cut the lingo we aren’t bionic robots no one is wired
I was born with underdeveloped male organs , nothing female
Not enough developed to be raised a boy so a surgery was done to remove it . Doctors told me
To be raised female
I’m on synthetic hormones yet 2 weeks ago was told I had a prostrate
God ” pre wired ” me for a Mate ? Not me
Couldn’t even make up his mind on my gender
I have been screwed big time !
Am I male or female ? Sadly I have nothing female but synthetic hormones
Why did this happen ? There is 0 purpose in this ! 0 !
I feel duped and robbed !
Kat, I am so sorry. I could not imagine what your situation feels like. You must feel so disheartened and disillusioned. God please help Kathryn, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Don’t just strengthen her faith, we don’t want grace or more strength to get through this. Please send a solution, in the form of love and family. Do a miracle for this beloved daughter….please. If I could trade my desire to have a miracle so that you could have one, kathryn, I swear to you that I woud. I want you to have love….I know how important something like that is.
I completely understand that, Kathryn! I feel much the same way and whether it’s right or wrong, I really don’t think that God is personally invested in my life and desires to the extent that every little thing is predetermined by Him. If it means that I lack faith, I’ll own that. For now, it is what it is.
I’m 36. Obviously waiting, hoping, praying, and just focusing on being the ultimate stand-up gal isn’t working so I think that being a little more proactive is not a bad thing. I’m not letting go of my principles or who I am, but I am actively looking and I don’t care who knows it. If you’re doing the same, don’t let anyone convince you that you’re just not a good enough Christian. Having struggles and doubts doesn’t make you any less worthy of God’s love and your journey is not required to look like anyone else’s.
Often people tell us that things are God’s will because it mirrors their opinion or it’s just a platitude they throw out there when they don’t know what to say. They go home to their husbands telling you that “God will provide” while you struggle alone year after year because they’re glad it isn’t them but they don’t want to feel guilty or they are indeed trying to manipulate you into having feelings that make them more comfortable.
You’re not obligated to buy into everything someone tells you is God’s will.
Hey Ruthie! as always, great insights right here…
Mmh to me, yeah honestly many a time I have asked God such questions. Not only for a husband but for example, your former school mate that you know was really below average and you were brighter than them but looking at them now, they are doing much better with good jobs and life while you are struggling to make ends meet. The encouragement I get is knowing that delay is not denial and God has no favorites… He loves us all the same way. But dear, before you get to that revelation, it’s not easy.
I love your thought, “Delay is not denial.” I have never heard that…thanks!
Oooh Nicole! you are so sweet
Yes dear, just coz it has delayed, it never means it won’t come to pass. He is a covenant keeping God… May you hold on this truth now, there is HOPE!!!
Not easy at all. Full of heartbreak and pain and confusion, that I know well. Thanks for sharing, Jess!
I love that too- “delay is not denial” and “God has no favorites”
He does have favourites i have seen it over a 14 year period.
I take back what I said and repent. God is good all the time and what i wrote is a lie from the pit
You shouldn’t feel guilty for speaking the truth. God (if he exists) most certainly does play favorites and I’ve seen it too. If God didn’t play favorites then why would a pedophile win the lottery? (true story)
Ruthie, this is the best article! I really struggle with this relationally and career wise. Sometimes I wonder where in the world God is and sometimes I just walk away. I know He’s good but sometimes I’ve given up hope on my dreams. My question is if He gives you a dream then why in the world won’t he let it come to pass? I guess I just feel like I’m in a waiting period in my life and my life is on pause. Thank goodness for my golden retriever who is the man in my life!
Sarah, I love your attitude. Thanks for admitting it’s hard, but it’s not all bad. It is so difficult to understand why God blesses some and not others.
I can relate, Sarah. I feel like I’m just waiting for my life to start. Surely this is not what God has sent me here to do? But who am I to question Him? I know I must be obedient to His plan… but how do I know if this unsettled feeling is Him saying that it is time to move on? I pray and pray and then sometimes I just get mad and have a big ol pity party. Neither make me feel better.
My sentiments too sarah.
i have watched people younger than me living their dreams while i am still stuck in a phase,
i do thank God for many achievements in my life , but still got no answer why me, when will my time be,
they say “God’s timing is the best but for how long should i wait…i do trust and believe that he has a purpose in my life but the Waiting…………………………………
The prodigal son was given a warm welcome because he needed one; people who have already been living in Our Father’s House have had a lifetime of warmth and encouragement, and aren’t necessarily carrying those same scars and hurts that someone who is new to it all are burdened with. The “newbies” need that extra sense of reassurance and love and tranquility at the start, but I”m sure that God will allow them to meet with their own trials in time, once they have become strong enough.
Amen! So true.
Yes, but some of us have been going through stuff for 20+ years and feel like we’re in a holding pattern that will never pass. We too need to move pass this and have the blessings that others are getting. Especially those Christians who have life so easy. The ones that have never had to struggle with anything, who are living comfortably, etc. I’m 40 still single and still living paycheck to paycheck. No matter what I seem to do, or how much I pray about it, nothing changes. I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, something that was further away before. But there’s still that distance between me and the light. How long will it take? Why is it still going on? Why doesn’t it pass, already?
Amy,
You are looking at the surface of others’ lives. Those Christians who “have life so easy” did not just pray for a better job with better pay or pray for their spouse and children. They worked to achieve those things while glorifying Him. How do you know their struggles? Want a better job with better pay? Go out and learn. God created your brain to learn and experience new things. Want a spouse? Go out and meet people. Put work in and he will bless your hard work. God didn’t give a good harvest without work.
Read up AND study on this passage:
James 2:14-26
Faith without action is dead, just as the body without the spirit is dead.
In other words: If you do not put in the work. Put in the action. Put in the deeds, then faith alone is dead. Nothing.
typical condescending remark. You have no clue what I’ve done with my life, but you talk as if you’re the end all, be all expert on my life. Not that it’s any of your business, but I did go to college, had to drop out because I couldn’t afford to keep going (I started working when I was 16 and worked while in college). Plus I came down with mono and tonsillitis and found I could no longer burn the candle at both ends and the middle. I would become exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. My body needed more rest than I was giving it before getting sick. I have years of experience to back up a higher pay demand but companies are not paying that! Or have you not heard how many thousands, upon thousands of people are living below the poverty line? You think an education is the answer? My cousin has her masters degree and can’t get a job in her field. She works in a bank and is barely scraping by. There are thousands of people with degrees who can’t get a job, or have low paying jobs these days.
Also, I’ve been praying for better finances and a change in my relationship status, for the better part of 20 years, but while you tell me to “go out and take what I want”, GOD had other plans. I have taken the steps to make more money but that doesn’t mean I’m going to make money overnight. This is all in GOD’S timing, NOT mine! However, I have seen many people that do have it easy, while many of us have it hard. We struggle through life, no matter how much we pray for change and how much we try to change things, nothing matters. Nothing will change until God changes things.
Another thing that you have no clue about is, that I DO thank God for things daily. But yet, nothing’s changed with my life. Rather than being condescending to those of us that struggle and desire a spouse, you should read this:
http://amys-treasures.blogspot.com/2013/06/being-40-and-still-single.html
I’m sure you’re going to just write me off as being bitter and angry, which isn’t true. It’s condescending posts like yours that tick me off.
By the way, that passage you told me to study, is wrong! James wasn’t talking about going out and getting a better job, or whatever else we want here on earth. He was talking about heavenly rewards. You’d do well to study this and learn what it is you’re misquoting.
http://www.biblelineministries.org/articles/basearch.php3?action=full&mainkey=FAITH+WITHOUT+WORKS
That is true many Christians who have it all think other Christians are not working hard enough. Some say if your single and overdue for marriage its because you are under some kind of curse or your star is covered etc;
One of my dear friends is married and we were talking about my status. When she met her husband she was backslidden and basically sleeping around. They got married when she felt guilty and the main reason she did what she was doing was to marry anyways. So they got married but according to her God saw she could not take being alone and he would have to give her someone as she would burn but God saw she was hurt and had gone through some hardships. She is such a lovely godly woman she returned to Christ after marriage but perhaps its time to call a spade a spade. When it comes to marrige it may be like applying for various jobs its luck and good fortune her husband is also saved now and they and their children are blessed. She did say she had too work out issues when she married and repented for being disobidient but at the end of the day if she was obidient would she be married today?? Most likely not. Shes always encouraging me to pray and wait and said if she could do it again she would have followed God’s way but my answer to her is she may never have had children and she may have had tought times but at least she did not go through those times alone. At least she is not the object of pity or the constant questions of when are you going to get married? Don’t you want children? The church wont help you they the reason you not married! She is not the only married person i know with such a story God has favourites no doubt about it the more people sin the more they rewarded
I completely agree with you Amy. I’ve seen people who purposefully go out and do wrong, those who has asked God to leave them alone (Christians) still get blessed. I can’t understand It either. It hurts to rely on God for so long only to watch those get what you’ve been desiring all along. Then, they don’t appreciate it. I hate when people remind me of those who waited in the Bible. Those same people were “blessed” during their wait. For example, Joseph waited in prison, but he held a high position there as well, so he didn’t have it hard like the others. Hannah waited, but she had a man that loved her more than anything and was willing to give her anything. I’m saying that to say, I’m going through so much and I don’t see blessings within my trial. I’ve lost so much and as much as I love God and need Him, my faith is wavering. I’ll never give up on God because through it all, I know He has a plan, but this is hard.
Oh, and to answer Cory, I don’t have a job with a Master’sDegree. God gave me dreams for years and they are further away than ever before. I am about to lose everything, plus I have a daughter. I’ve been searching for something better to provide for us, but it’s not working. I’ve prayed, fasted, trusted and things are getting worse. I’m a giver and I help people only to have them leave and use me. So be careful with what “advice” you give to others, you really don’t know the trials of others.
Maybe as Christians we must ask God what to do go on a fast or something I was so angry and ashamed to admit even feeling hateful towards God but we need to first find out if there is an “achan” in the camp we must ask God to reveal to us the source of our delay it could be something in line etc then cry out to GOD like never before this our life and happiness at stake!Genesis 2:18 “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him”. KICK THE SPIRIT OF DELAY OUT OF YOUR LIFE YOU WILL GET MARRIED DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord the Bible says it is your will that we may have a life partner. You know the longings of my heart and you know what is best for me. Lord I do desire a good companion for this life. Guide me to the partner you have chosen for me. Give me the wisdom to choose the right person in my life. I need a loving and God-fearing partner. Remove all Obstacles in my way and perfect every thing for me. Lord I place my trust in you in finding the right partner for me. I pray for all those who are in search of life partners. Thank you lord for hearing my prayers.
This comment is a god given revelation and answer to the open ended question this article poses. Also, I wish the author mentioned that self righteousness and judgement are the root of these,”what about me?” Questions. When others are blessed, god is literally testing your heart. Its not about being overlooked. I learned this the hard way. God offends the mind to deal with the heart, and he desires purity from us. matt 20v 1-16 , the parable of the harvest workers, gives a CLEAR AS DAY answer to the nagging heart. In the kingdom of god, grace and favor TRUMP seniority!
Maybe that is why the newbies are blessed with husbands etc while others have to watch as the years go by.
Plus all the Father had was the older son’s time for the older son to tell the father we need our spouses show us what to be wear we will attract godly spouses etc;
I tell you what…this is EXACTLY how I have felt and sometimes still do! But like you said about being focused on someone else’s story….something that has given me comfort is knowing that someone else’s story has nothing to do with my story. My best friend has been married for seven years and my other best friend got married just last year and I struggle with wondering what’s so wrong with me that I haven’t married yet. But I try to remember God has His own story for me and he doesn’t see things as comparisons…He sees me for me and others for themselves.
Amen! Love this: “God has his own story for me . . . He sees me for me and others for themselves.”
Ruthie, this is an awesome post. Last night I got into my bed and thought about this. Ironically, my small group was before this and we talked about how God wants the best for us. But recently a friend of mine got married pretty soon and just announced her pregnancy. I’m really happy for all of those around me, but it’s hard because I often times wonder if waiting is even worth it. I do it out of obedience, but when I see people that are being blessed by not doing the right thing (or so it seems) it just makes me sad. I know I shouldn’t care, but I often feel like this. Thanks for this post though it’s so relevant for me right now.
Oh yes. Sounds like you are right in the middle of this struggle. Thanks for sharing. It’s so difficult, and I’m glad we can all talk about it and be open with each other.
This was a timely blog post. God has been speaking to me about a name. How cool that in other messages this past week at Church, Bible Study, and now this blog, I had the same message. He is so amazing. Single….maybe in the physical realm, meaning no male partner in my midst, but I am never alone. Thanks for your book and the blog.
Blessings to you!
You are never alone! Amen. So glad this was encouraging. And thanks for reading our book!!
For decades, since I was a teenager, I’ve begged, pleaded, raged, begged some more, tried everything I could think of that was within my control, begged and pleaded and raged again, howled in pain and the result was … zilch. Nada. Nothing. A big NO. You go home alone, you live alone, you die alone.
I don’t even have a sinful past to look back on with fond memories. More fool me.
It’s a struggle not to feel punished, to feel like a failure, to wonder what unfixable thing there is in me, what sin I committed, that God has turned his back on me. And I’m not alone in feeling this way, far from it.
Wretched women get husband(s), get children, and I get nothing. And being single is not a vocation if you didn’t choose it. I don’t want it; I hate it.
But apparently living a life of loneliness, despair, frustration and denial is what God wants for me. I don’t even know how I hang on to faith under these circumstances, when all I get is a blow upon a bruise.
Oh Cara. Your words are heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for all you have been through and are still going through.
Cara,
Your post broke my heart. I feel you. Truly. I have been in your shoes. If I can be so bold as to suggest a bible study that really has rocked my world, it’s titled Breaking Free by Beth Moore. God really spoke to me through it. I’ll pray for you.
Blessings!
Wow Cara, you are not alone. I had to re-read your post because I thought maybe it was something I wrote and forgot about! I’m 52, never married, no children, despite wanting these things and praying for decades. I no longer ask God. I’m very angry with Him and I am just trying now to accept my solitary life (more like existence). Of course, men my age act as though I am invisible, but they notice all the much younger women (and no, I’m not fat or ugly). I guess He wants me to be alone. It started with my mother’s suicide when I was five, and has only continued. The least God could have done was let me know not to expect a husband. Then I would have chosen a higher paying career so I wouldn’t be struggling now (I always wanted not a full time career, but a family). Whatever. I’m a career woman now, trying to get ahead at work instead of dating. It shatters your very core when you realize your life will never be anything like what you expected and prepared for.
be grateful they ignore you, if they didn’t they would only be after one thing anyway Shallow superficial creatures.. After a life of being bothered by them i am now 58 and they are starting to look through me, it is great, i feel free, and i have a lovely horse that i enjoy so much more. God gave him to me. i said to God if I had a choice between a man and a good horse I choose the horse. Three weeks later i got the horse of my dreams, for next to nothing. Really dear, men are just a pain in the butt. What you dream for generally doesnot exist, Get on with the Lord, He is so much more satisfying, He has saved you from a lot of grief. I have been married and had children. We are in the last days, you have to get ready.
Boy, Deborah, I don’t even know quite how to respond. I’m completely flabbergasted that you evidently wish you had never met your husband, or any other man. That means you wish you didn’t have your children either.
I believe that marriage can be a good thing, and that children are a blessing from the Lord. The Bible does not teach that the purpose of our lives is our happiness or fulfillment. We may be happy, and we may be fulfilled, but that is not God’s point in creating us. One of the reasons I have desired marriage is because there is something very worthwhile about overcoming my natural selfishness and being challenged to love my life partner and children, no matter how difficult it can be at times.
The choice is not between singleness and a horrible marriage. There are other options. I work with a half dozen women who have been happily married 30-40 yrs and are now enjoying their grandchildren. Your glib statements don’t even even begin to address these issues. They show lots of bitterness, though – no thanks! I’ve got enough of that I’m dealing with already! You know how God said not to let a root of bitterness grow up in you… yeah, that’s my issue too.
God did not create you for his enjoyment to watch you on his “ant farm” serve him every minute of every day.
He created you to enjoy all the wonders of life he created. To be happy with your life, pleasing him.
Put God number one, and enjoying life to the fullest number two. This means, take that extra trip to see Rome or France. Go on that date with the guy you like. God isn’t going to give you anything on a silver platter. You are not entitled to be given everything because you serve him.
Think of God as a true father. He wants you to be happy while respecting him. He doesn’t want to see you falter and fail, but he is not going to coddle you and give you everything you want.
Deborah, have you thought about the effect your attitude toward men might have on your children? You sound so much like my late mother. She got married in the 1960’s after a whirlwind courtship and conceived me shortly after the wedding. The marriage fell apart almost immediately after my dad found out I was on the way. He began an affair, and stated through his words and actions he didn’t want a fourth child (he had 3 from a previous marriage). Mom, pregnant with me, moved back in with her parents, filed for divorce, and never trusted another man again as long as she lived. I grew up being taught that men are to be feared and aren’t trustworthy. Needless to say, Mom never remarried, and I had numerous problems socializing with the opposite sex (I was “invisible” just as you feel you are now). I never dated regularly until I was in my late 20’s and didn’t marry until I was 40. If Mom could have sought healing from her hurts instead of becoming bitter, I might have grown up with a dad, married younger myself, and even had the children I desperately want.
By the way, that last sentence is what brought me here. This is the rest of my experience: I have been involuntarily single for the second time for the past 4 years, following the premature death of my long-awaited spouse in 2010. We were only married for 4 years. (He struggled with depression and drinking toward the end, BTW, which led to sudden cardiac arrest. He was also the only man to ever propose to me.) I am now 48, widowed, childless, struggling to navigate life and desperately trying to keep faith for a happy remarriage and parenthood. (Yes, I am nearing 50 and still want to conceive! Please, no disparaging remarks for this. I’ve received enough blistering criticism already in the recent past for wanting to have babies.)
I know my experience is different from those who have never married, but it hurts deeply just the same. I am praying that God keeps his promises of “none shall lack their mate” and “none shall be barren” for all of us here.
Deborah, I pray your heart heals from whatever was inflicted on you by others. Please don’t let it poison your children’s lives. I have no doubt Mom’s bitterness contributed greatly to my issues relating to others. I just hope my own story ends with something more than just being a cautionary tale.
Cara – My heart cries out for you. Your words tore at my heart. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been a Christian since 24 and now I’m turning 35. Never been married, no serious romantic relationships. I’ve always done the right thing. First in my family to go to grad school. First in my family to get saved. Despite all my efforts and obedience to God (tithing, serving on ministry, etc); I was laid off from work twice, had to work several part time jobs, collected food stamps, owe the IRS and have a large grad school debt. I spend most of my days thinking about dying. And wondering why I’m here.
I ask myself what kind of testimony is my life to others? What did I do wrong? How can any man of character love me with all my issues? How can God watch me suffer in this way when I know that I don’t have the strength to carry on. I can’t even afford to see my therapist anymore.
Suffice to say I haven’t had a break through or change in any of the aforementioned circumstances, however there is one thing that sustains me-the commitment I made when I accepted Christ. The memories of when I first heard the gospel and what it means keeps me. God is real even if our lives don’t reflect the real desires of our hearts. He is real and mighty. He sustains, empowers and rejuvenates. When you get your breakthrough all the years the locust stole will be forgotten. He is that good. I know that he won’t fail you. Be encouraged and courages.
I’ll be praying for you. Psalm 46.10. That is the word that God has given me in the darkest hours of my life.
This part of your post IS my life:
“I spend most of my days thinking about dying. And wondering why I’m here. I ask myself what kind of testimony is my life to others? What did I do wrong? How can any man of character love me with all my issues? How can God watch me suffer in this way when I know that I don’t have the strength to carry on. I can’t even afford to see my therapist anymore. Suffice to say I haven’t had a break through or change in any of the aforementioned circumstances”
The only thing different for me is I have no faith left. It’s been beaten out of me.
Cara PAt Holliday has a book on singleness perhaps God will grant you the desires of your heart.
I know what your going through I was praying with a very good friend of mine for a spouse. She testified she got saved as a teenager early 20’s she was believing for a husband after a broken engagement she slept around at the age of 26 she met her husband 6 weeks later they were married with a child on the way. She said if God could grant her a husband when she was living in sin why cant he do the same for me when I havent. I had a breakdown because I knew then that he has favourites.
Another friend of mine blatantly made a prayer that if God did not give her a husband she would stop being a christian 4 months later she met a guy moved in with him got pregnant and married.
IT has really got me seriously thinking about my faith.
Hang in there…. and no God has no favorites- your purpose is not like your friends. So you paths will be different. Different vessels for different use and pupose.
Stop to think what Joseph felt being sold off by his brothers- hated—why did God allow etc etc, but his role was not like his older brother Judah, or his younger bro Benjamin.
Yeah the question, why my? and why not me? Why not me for God to choose to go throu some rough patch so he can show me off with what unique purpose my unique circumstances have prepared me for? I will glory in my weakness and rejoice when he says to me, Do not not fear, I am the one who takes hold of your hand and tells you not to fear! He prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies. Even if I die hoping against hope, I will still believe to see the goodness of God in this land of the living. I am not giving the glory to another, it is God who is in control of my life and he knows me so intimately, my thoughts from afar, before a word is on my word, psalms 139 etc etc. There is nothing like walking with God spouse or no spouse. Mind you I have some trials that would pale in comparison to lacking a spouse right now. But he is the potter. I know my God is real . I have trusted him with my life and am not taking that back. I am not looking back, taking your plough and looking back. I will tug along as long as he stays with me. It is a great life!
Cara why dont you join a dating site or seek some male friends. The least you can do is seek some male company you deserve
I know exactly what you going through. Maybe you should go out more take a class no point begging or pleading if its not doing anything go out there and live your life
Well i would like to share i was having a good moan with a christian guy who got married at 47 and just to encourage everyone : At 06:33 AM 18/05/2014, you wrote:
Still struggling on and off it depends what day it is. Some days I am up some down.
This is to be expected during a trial. Praise God for up times and use them to strengthen you during the down times. I am sorry you are having a tough time but we need them in order to purify our motives.
everyone including Christians I know have all slept around
Not me.
I have tried to follow God’s commandments and I get to be alone and childless.
Do you really think any of us can earn God’s blessings? The only thing any of us deserve is an eternity in hell. Everything else is by sheer grace alone. Do you seek to do what is right for the sake of doing right or so that you can get your selfish way? Aside from Christ, none of us are pure in God’s eyes and especially not anyone who does what is right only in an attempt to manipulate the God who asks us to die to self and to seek treasure in heaven, not on earth.
I feel like I am being punished for keeping myself pure.
That is a ridiculous lie from the enemy.
Keep your eyes on Jesus, my friend.
With warm regards,
Anyone interested in going on a fast for 3 days it doesnt have to be food it could be tv, magazines etc and concentrate and confess on specific scriptures concerning finding a mate and answered prayers we can pray for each other and ourselves that whatever is keeping us from getting married will be broken.
Agree 100000000000000000000000000000000000% with this post.
Wow. What an insightful and encouraging post. Really puts things into proper perspective. I’ve felt frustrated with God more than once when everyone else is getting blessed and I seem to be overlooked in some way or another. All I know is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for others) is stop comparing your life to theirs. God has His own plan for our life and often times it doesn’t alight with our own plans. We just need to rest in peace knowing that in the end He always does what’s best for us (even if at the moment that means not getting what we want). Thank you so much for such a timely message. Be blessed!
Thanks, Anna. I’m glad it spoke to you. And thanks so much for adding to the discussion!
What I want more than anything is to move back to where I grew to up to start campus ministry. That got delayed by two years, so I am doing campus ministry training back at my alma mater. I figured it would be great since I know how our team and ministry works. But I got here and felt more lonely than I’ve ever felt. I just kept telling God -I followed you back here. I left my home church where I was known, my family, my best friends, and my youth group girls. And now I feel so uncared for.- Still struggling through it. I felt one night that He asked me -Do you believe that I am sovereign: Do you believe that I am both good and in control at the same time? – The answer: Sometimes.
Love your honesty, Brenna. I have definitely answered that same question with “sometimes”. It’s so hard and heartbreaking…
Oh dear sisters, my heart breaks for you. All of your stories are mine…plus more. At 63. and in a 40 year marriage, I just prayed to the Lord I was repenting for marrying my husband. What a tragedy it has been, except for one thing. It has continually forced me to need the Lord. I breathe His Word each day to continue to live for Him. He is my Rock and Redeemer and He is Good Always even if I don’t understand His ways..I trust His heart. Please pray for me to stay submissive and faithful to Him. He brought me out of the darkest of pits in 1991 and I will Never forget it! His love for such a beggar as me! I am his forever. This life is but a breath compared to eternity and I cannot wait to see my Saviours beautiful face
God bless you all..let’s all pray for one another desr sisters…
There’s something powerful about people who know that God loves them, and who live their lives knowing that God loves them…in full trust. I trust in Jesus, giving over my life to Him is the hardest thing I do everyday, but gosh, I trust Him when He says He’s got me. I trust in the finished work at the cross. I trust Him when He says He came to give me life, and life to the full. Everyday, without fail I will get bombarded with thoughts masquerading as half veiled truths that lists every insecurity I have about my looks, about the mistakes I made that ‘disqualify’ me. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been good and saved yourself up and done everything ‘right’ in preparation for a husband, or if you’ve tragically messed up every step of the way. When you’re still single at an age you thought you wouldn’t be-the enemy will twist whatever your background is to cripple you with despair and worry and doubt. If you’ve been good he’ll make you question why you’re still single and why God is ‘holding out on you when you deserve otherwise’. He’ll make you question why you even bother because ‘clearly it’s not doing you any good’. And if you’ve messed up the enemy will tell you that’s the very reason why you’re still single. The point is whatever you’ve done, he is relentless in attacking you from the moment you get out of bed.
I’ve realised that the people who are happiest are the ones who’ve had that revelation that God loves them, and trust Him. And I’m applying that to my life, because no matter what the enemy tries to get me to believe, no matter how much he wants me to focus on the heartbreak, the disappointment and despair of being single…I choose truth. The truth that I am so, so loved that I can’t even fully fathom it…truth that God loved me so much He chose me despite knowing all the ways I’d let Him down. Truth that He is faithful to complete the work He began in me. Truth that if He could give Himself so freely for me, do I really think that something like marriage is beyond Him?There is nothing that I go through that will not work out for my good, no matter how painful it is-the devil lost that battle a long time ago. So however painful it gets being single, I trust God more.
Maureen, I totally agree. Thank you for your beautiful words of truth.
Maureen, thank you so much for these words. You have been a real blessing and encouragement to me.
Maureen, I love your God illuminated truth. Thank you and God bless you.
eek from the book of the LORD, and read: Not one of these will be missing; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them. Isaiah 34:16
All the promises of God are yea and amen in him 2 Corinthians 1:20 (all God’s promises are for you)
By his doing you are in him. 1 Corinthians 1:30 (it’s by his work that you are in him, not your own efforts)
So the promise of “none will lack his mate” is for YOU now based on the word of God and only the devil or your flesh is trying to talk you out of it being true for you.
He that finds a wife (or husband) finds a GOOD thing. Proverbs 18:22
God has plans for you for GOOD and not for evil for a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
So this means a mate is included in the good things. You can believe for a mate and know your believing a GOOD thing, and it is in the will of God for you to have GOOD. You can also believe that the devil will come to talk you out of it so be ready. (the devil comes immediately to take out the word)
eremiah 29:13
“When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.
You need a promise book, because that “by them you might partake” I recommend this one.“God who calls those things which are not as though they were.”
“this is the confidence we have in him, if we ask anything according to his will he hears us,”
(no GOOD thing will he withhold from them that walks uprightly)
( as in he that finds a wife/husband finds a GOOD thing- proverbs)
“and we know that if he hears us we HAVE the requests which we have made of him”
Remember when the disciples asked for more faith, Jesus told them the parable of the servant that comes in from the field. He said if you have your servant come in from the field do you say hey go eat, or do you have the person working for you, on the clock, fix you food first and then tell him he can eat.
The idea here is to give God glory first, then God will let you eat. When you plant the seed in the kingdom of God don’t go back and dig it up. Keep the weight on God completely don’t ever give any weight to the doubts. Don’t even question that you received it. You TAKE IT by faith. Give god more faith than you do united parcel service or the post office.
Be sure to watch for the birds (the doubting thoughts) use the word of God and his promises to smack them. (they are coming.)
“Know this, that if the owner of a house had known in which watch a thief would come, he would have been awakened and would not have allowed his house to be broken into.”
The devils coming to get your seed. He wants that glory or weight on his doubts.
taken from things God taught me how i geot married be encouraged my hubbys on the way!
I used to feel that way everyday! Often, I thought that God was playing a big joke on me. But I have learned that He has a plan. God is not evil. He is good. He cares for me. And I have to keep going to see all that He has planned….husband and all!
Ahh, thank you for this!! So true and good. My eyes teared up when I read what Tirzah meant. Wow. God is such a good Dad.
God certainly does punish many of us when it comes to having a love life that we would want so bad, and yet he blesses so many other men and women to find love and happiness together. I just never will understand that at all.
Though I am not a woman and not particularly in this situation, it did speak to me. Over the past seven or so years, I have felt this way. “God, I do everything I can. I trust You. I tithe. I devote myself to You. Why are You allowing this? Why is he getting blessed? Why are You forcing me to watch my dream happen to someone else?” And through the years, I see how much God has actually protected me and developed me. I now have a more “go-getter” attitude and an attitude of gratefulness. I see that He has my best interests, and that I was not ready for the things I had been asking for. Now I am, and I am moving forward in faith. Even if I fail, I know that He’s there with me to hold my hand and pick me up.
Amen, James! I have been reading the replies to this post for months and have been meaning to reply because all of these women are breaking my heart! While I understand we are indeed human and do not always think or feel the way that pleases the Lord most, it just hurts so much to read how upset and angry yall are at God for not giving you a spouse/family. I, too, am single and I also ask “why not me? when will it be my time?”, but sometimes we fail to remember that the Lord’s plan is perfect. And it is. It is. It is. It is!!! Whoever said that being married and having children was the perfect life? There’s no proof of that. It is only what society has led us to believe. We can live a life that is pleasing to the Lord and that will fulfill your heart without a husband and children. I am preaching to myself here… I know it is hard and I don’t always want to hear that- but please, do not forget it, ever! His promises are real and true. His love is pure and everlasting. He wants the best for us and what we have right now in this season is HIS BEST for us. Try to embrace it. I know it is hard… but we must try and pray fervently for the ability to embrace it, and similar to what James said- prepare your heart, be ready for the changing of the seasons. Be your best self for the Lord NOW. Don’t wait until you are married, til you are a parent, til “life begins”.
My prayer for us all is that we will continue to put God first, not our earthly desires. We are here for Him, and we can serve Him alone just as well as we could with a spouse. We can further His Kingdom in so many ways, regardless if we have children to raise in a Christian environment. We can! God gave His only son for us- can’t we give Him our very best here on earth? Can’t we at least try? I am praying for all of you. I am praying for God’s best for us all. I know we already have it, but I’m praying we will learn to cherish it in every season of our lives.
P.S. James, will you marry me?
Ha!
P.S.
James, Jill and others,
I appreciate your responses and your prayers. Something I didn’t go into in my original post is that, for 25+ years now, I’ve had a chronic incurable illness which greatly affects my energy level. I have to go against my doctor’s advice to cut my work hours. Instead, I have to do the opposite and I’ve been interviewing for full time jobs. If I get one, I will have a lot less financial stress. But, I will have to cut back further on my already minimal social life. I will spend all of my time outside of work recovering from my work day. It’s extremely difficult for me to see how this plan for my life is better than having a partner in life. It must be nice to be like the married people I know who have the luxury of working either part time or full time. Several women who regularly compete with me for promotions have told me they’re not really sure if they want full time work. I want to scream at them, “Then please stop competing with me! I’m trying to pay my bills!”
Can anyone tell me how going to work, getting exhausted, resting, then getting up the next day and doing it all over again when I’m still exhausted from the day before glorifies God? I’m too stinking tired to even witness to people! I could understand if He allowed me to have my health but remain single, because I would have the energy to go on mission trips, etc. and I could get a lot done for the Kingdom.
Several years ago I met the one I thought was Mr. Right. We seemed to compliment each other and we talked about marriage. If I’m not constantly pushed, I can remain pretty much on an even keel so that I can be a good relationship partner. But no, that wasn’t meant to be either. Turns out I was just being teased by God again.
I’m 53 now, and I’m too old for this. I don’t care about most ministry activities, because I can’t do them. I have nothing to do with men anymore because I’m tired of negotiating new relationships when nothing ever works out. It’s too stressful and heartbreaking. I’ve come to the conclusion that my life doesn’t have to have this big, special purpose. I’m meant to struggle day after day until I die. That’s just how it is. I’m sure it’s made Satan happy that God has not healed me nor allowed me to create a godly family.
Anyone who can go through this and not be disillusioned and angry is a better Christian than I am.
I understand.
You are not alone and I do not blame you. It is unfair these type of things do make me wonder about some of his rules it says in the good book flee fornication until your married. You obey and then everyone who sleeps around ends up getting married and have children and someone who tried to follow God’s commandments ends up Alone. Does not make sense to me at all
I understand.I have been preached to by people on my weak faith, complaining spirit, bad attitude. I am under pressure, yet they are getting married, getting scholarships and well paying jobs. I changed my prayer to; Lord if I am not meant to get married then kill this desire, but its still persisting. Give me a good job, nothing, a scholarship, nothing. I am stuck in a rut. I serve God and pray ALOT! Then God take my life because I dont understand my purpose anymore….nothing. Its a struggle. My faith has become weak and question at times arise as to whether God exists. Is He still in control? dId I sin and shouldn”t I be forgiven already? I am scared that God may lose me out of my despair. So sad.
Wow, I know I am late in responding to this but your life sounds so much like mine. I have suffered from a chronic debilitating illness for the last 15 yrs and it has literally sucked the joy from my soul and my faith right out of me. I have struggled financially my entire life despite having a college degree AND a masters degree. I’ve always had to live paycheck to paycheck despite being incredibly fiscally responsible, while I’ve seen many others , including relatives, get ridiculously high paying jobs despite never having gone to college AND being irresponsible with money, even declaring bankruptcy, but they keep getting huge raises and better jobs and I never could. I’ve struggled with health issues since I was a child, including being overweight (the main reason I think all men have basically ignored me my entire life). I have tried and tried and tried and triedddddd to lose weight so many times I’ve lost count only to be unsuccessful over and over again. I too have wanted a family since I was in high school and now I’m 44 and still alone. I’ve only had one date in my entire life (when I was 16 and it was an awful experience), I’ve never had a boyfriend or any kind of relationship with a man. I do not think I am without sin (as none of us are) but I have lived a MUCH purer life than most people I know but they receive blessings upon blessings and I get nothing…. not ONE thing I have ever dreamed or wanted has come true. The last straw was when at age 29 I was struck done with this curse from hell (my illness) and everyone I thought were friends abandoned me. I receive no compassion from family either so I am truly alone. I have come to 2 conclusions about God – either he does not exist at all or if he does then he hates me, so I hate him right back. Sad but true. Lost all hope and just wait for this pitiful existence to come to an end.
Marie,
Sorry I’m so late in responding. If I made you feel less alone in your suffering, then posting my feelings was worth it.
Been thinking lately about how people who tell us things like, “Stop looking for a spouse”, etc. just don’t get it at all. To tell us that is like telling a starving person that they are too obsessed with food. Just as everyone must eat to live, we have very strong emotional needs that are not being met. No matter how you slice it, that is extremely difficult to live with. I have the constant uneasiness, the feeling that my whole life just isn’t right. Sometimes it bothers me so much that I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
You’re probably more like me also in the sense that, having a chronic illness, you don’t have lots of social contact. So we’re more lonely than people who go out with their many friends. I don’t understand why God made me with my particular personality – wanting an extremely deep and intimate relationship with one person – and then torture me like this. I’m simply not one of those people who can be shallow at all. It’s very, very difficult for me to just go through each day if I don’t feel any meaning in it. Some people can do that easily, but I’m not one of them.
What really gets me is that my face is constantly rubbed in this whole situation. It’s not enough that I’m going through it; my face is rubbed in it. For example, one of my coworkers is one of the hardest people to get along with that I have ever met. My manager once told me that I will find she is one of the hardest people I will ever have to work with – and he was right. And guess what? She just got engaged! Unbelievable!
I’m trying so hard, and I never thought I would say this, but most of the time I am just very angry with God. I feel that He has given me more than I can handle, and I can’t seem to get past it. I used to care so much about serving Him, but now I’m a different person – and not in a good way.
If He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, then why did my mother kill herself?
Susan, I don’t know if you will see this but I wanted to thank you for responding to my comment. I agree with everything you say, esp about having a chronic illness. I have no social life, as I have no friends left. As I said before, they all abandoned me once I became ill. I’m too sick and chronically exhausted most days to try and meet any new friends or to even think about dating, so yes… it is a very lonely existence. Anyway, if you need someone to talk to or vent to, I’m happy to listen. I find it difficult to relate to “well” people as they just don’t understand my struggles, even when I try and explain. It would be nice to talk to somebody who understands, even if we don’t have the exact same illness. I’d tell you to email me (if you felt like talking), but I don’t feel comfortable posting my email on an internet forum, but maybe we could connect thru facebook? No pressure or anything (I’m not a weird internet stalker — haha!) I just thought I’d extend the offer. : ) Peace.
Hi Marie,
No, I don’t think you’re an internet stalker! I have a throwaway email that I can check that I feel comfortable posting here if you want to write – we seem to have a lot in common. It is sharemycountryhome at yahoo dot com. Look forward to hearing from you! If you do decide to write, please respond here too, if you can (there are so many posts it was hard for me to find this one) so that I’ll know to check that email. I automatically get notified when someone posts a reply to my posts here.
God bless,
Susan
Hi Susan, just letting you know that I sent you an email to your countryhome email address that you posted here for me. I hope to hear from you!
I have multiple sclerosis. I live with chronic pain and chronic fatigue. I have had it since I was 20 years old. I was told by my pastor that I was just one those people who just liked being in pain, since it is the case that I am now miserably depressed by my current single status and now my recent knowledge that I wlll be childless. I am 42 years old now. The underlying reason for all of my misery is that there is a small fox on the vine of my faith, as well as the fact that I just really don’t want to be healed, and of course I am one of those types of people who apparently likes being in emotional and physical pain.
Tell me again God, why I should want to go to church and be around the “saints”. How is it that a “Church family” is supposed to satisfy the pain I have for having my own family. According to the church that I go to, I just refuse to accept the outs and help for my situatuions that God has provided. So yeah, I get your very last statment about whoever can do this better than me, is a better Christian than I am.
Tia,
I am so sorry to hear that you have MS, such a serious, chronic disabling illness. Yes, we have some symptoms in common. I have CFIDS or ME or CFS, or whatever they’re calling it these days. I’ve also been psychologically abused by people in general as well as the mainstream medical profession. I’ve heard that MS used to be called “Hysterical Paralysis” before they could explain it. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Blame the victim when you can’t prove or explain something, especially if it strikes more women than men. Us women, especially middle-aged women, are all a bunch of looney tunes, didn’t you know? We play sick to get attention. REALLY?????? CFIDS is where MS used to be, so I’ve been blamed, told I must want to be sick, I’m somehow being rewarded for illness behavior, all of that abusive crap. It’s as hard to deal with that as it is to deal with this hellish illness! Shame on your so-called pastor.
It’s really hard when it hits you that you will NEVER have the children you so desired. I lost a friend by whining too much about that. I’m sorry, but that’s a pretty big thing. I have a right to feel sorry for myself while I’m adjusting my entire psychological mindset about my whole life! It’s a MAJOR disillusionment! Took me about 3 years of emotional turmoil before I started coming out on the other side of this. (Of course, the friend I lost was married and had children.)
This is something else that is accepted if men struggle – then you’re having a “midlife crisis” and it’s almost expected. Even if you do stupid things like go wild, visit prostitutes, pretty much anything, it’s supposedly justified by your “midlife crisis”. But if you’re a woman who doesn’t deal with her anguish by going wild, then you’re blamed. Well excuse me for not dealing with my issues in a self-destructive manner!
Wow, I guess I just blew off a little steam there! Ha! But seriously, Tia, I hope you are encouraged by my comments. Wish I could make your health better. Sometimes it helps just to know that someone understands and can relate.
Susan
I must say that I’m truly disheartened to hear the stories. It is disheartening to me because GOD has blessed me immensely. Have I had hard times?? Of course I have. Once upon a time, I wanted nothing more than a husband and family. And I have that. My husband and I had trouble conceiving. I had to take fertility drugs but they worked. I had twin boys. I had a daughter a few years later after two miscarriages. Not sure how that happened. It is a miracle to me. I’ve been married for 20 years and I prayed for a husband. After reading all of the stories, I feel like I’m not worthy of the blessings that God has given me. God has called me into the ministry and one of my big questions is why some and not others? Are you fasting as you pray? I once read that God has a hard time finding people to bless. I’m researching this because God has been so incredibly good to me and I know people want to know why. It is a question that I myself can not answer. My heart goes out to you and I truly know you feel. I found an article and will try to copy it below. I pray that it blesses someone. According to Lindsay (2013), character is one of, if not the most important things you must have if you are seeking to be blessed by God. Reason being, is because character goes beyond being a good person and having morals. Having character shows the type of heart you have and God is looking for people after his own heart… You have to understand the reasoning behind why God needs to trust you before he can bless you. See, if you don’t have the character of a champion you won’t be able to sustain the abundance of wealth that God desires to bless you with. Without the right character, the blessings will only bring out the worst in you. If you crave power, you will abuse it and lose it. Which means God cant trust you enough to put you in a position of power. If you are greedy, your greed will cause you not to give back to others who are less fortunate, in fact you may even screw people over to get more money. Which means God can’t trust you enough to bless you with finances because you will rob others of their blessings. You have to be willing to love beyond all faults and give up your right to hurt someone else for hurting you, cry behind closed doors & fight battles that nobody else even knows about. These are the types of character traits you must have to be blessed by God so he can use you to be a blessing to others. Do you have the character of a champion? Now, on the next most important trait you must have…That type of suffering takes a commitment far beyond measure. You see, there is always a cost to pay. There is no reward without pain, No progress without struggle. And no blessings without commitment. Do you have a decisive mind? Are you prepared to make a commitment to God? Can I ask you a question? Do you have a relationship with God?Have you ever the Lord’s voice? The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant Psalms 25:14
Yes,God has blessed me but I’ve also endured a lot of pain. Please do not take this post negatively. I wish I had the power to give unto every desire but it is not up to me. I do know that God is able. Give up all negativity.Fast and pray without ceasing. Ask God to fix anything that is in you that is preventing you from getting the blessings that you desire. I don’t care how long it’s been or how long you have prayed. Re-commit your life to Jesus Christ, stop your disbelief and see the Lord work in your life.
God bless!!!
Reference-
Lindsay, M.(2013). Can God Trust You Enough To Bless You? Retrieved January 31, 2014 fromhttp://www.mauricelindsay.com/can-god-trust-you-enough-to-bless-you/
Angie,
It seems you answered your own question quite well. You believe that God has blessed you because you have good character and you didn’t just pray – you fasted, too. You gave up negativity, had a decisive mind, and God could trust you enough to give you His blessings, etc. So, in other words, blessings are a reward for being a good Christian.
I’ve got a few problems with that theology.
1. God bestows wonderful blessings on both the just and the unjust. Many unjust people have spouses, and they are blessed with children. And, sometimes they even have lots of money! How do you explain that?
2. Backslidden people can have good marriages and lucrative jobs. How do you explain that?
3. The Christians who were starved, otherwise tortured, and killed in Nazi Germany must not have had the right character traits. I guess God couldn’t trust any of them with His blessings. The same goes for Christians who are victims of violent crimes and horrible diseases.
Marriage and children aren’t rewards that God only gives to the best Christians.
The fact that we have blessings is not a reflection of how good we are – it is a reflection of how good God is!
Thank you so much, Susan. I couldn’t have explained nearly so well.
I remember a recent sermon in which the minister talked about similar theological views that equate our blessings with God giving us a cookie for being the best Christians. Both Scripture and reality don’t support that view. One of the biggest temptations for Christians is to try to attribute goodness in the world to the goodness within ourselves rather than the goodness of God. God’s grace is the source of our blessings, not our efforts. We can’t squeeze God and His world into a neat box that’s easy for us to understand by reducing everything to a tit-for-tat contest.
The consequence is that even though we may not mean to do so, we fail to encourage others, help them to grown their faith, or show empathy. We simply succeed in sounding self-congratulatory and like we’re beating others over the head for imaginary flaws. (“Something bad happened to you? Well, you must have done something wrong.” “I have what you want because I’m better at Christianity than you”.) We also become putty in the hands of people who convince us that blindly following their directives is the key to all these blessings we’re supposedly not a good enough Christian to get.
How many people have had their faith killed entirely by the constant struggle to “earn” some blessing by being a superhuman Christian? When the blessing doesn’t materialize though they’ve gone above and beyond the millions of people (many unbelievers) who have that blessing, they assume that there is something unfixably flawed about themselves and give up in despair. Other folks mileage may vary, but I don’t see that as a healthy way to engage in Christian living. Leaning into the fact that there are things I don’t like or don’t understand the reasons for is sometimes uncomfortable, but it’s more realistic than just making up an explanation that does neither God nor ourselves any justice.
TJ,
Thanks for your post. As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve realized that I still fall prey to this exact theology that I have just refuted! Because I try to figure everything out and I haven’t been able to, I feel that I have to have some kind of explanation for why I’m going through all of this. So, I tell myself things such as, “There’s something wrong with me. I don’t deserve marriage and children. Other people do, but I don’t.” And (when I consider my chronic illness too), “I don’t deserve to have a normal life. God wants me to struggle day after day with no reprieve.”
I’ve also come to the conclusion that God is not concerned with my emotional needs. In thinking about that one, too, I’m trying to come up with anything in the Bible that says he will meet our emotional needs. Not sure that’s one of His promises.
At my age, 53, I think I have a much different take on this than younger people who are in the same situation. Say a woman is 35 and still not married. I think it’s a lot easier for her to hold out hope for various reasons. One is that men can still possibly be interested in her. There are very few men who are interested in me at all, due to our sex-saturated, youth-oriented culture. Unfortunately, i’ve seen a lot of evidence that shows that Christian men are the same as non-Christian men in this regard. Just not interested in older women at all because my body doesn’t look like what it used to look like (even though I’m not what anyone would consider fat. I’m a size 12.)
Another reason a 35-year-old can at least hold out some hope is because she’s still probably physically able to have children! The fact that I am no longer fertile makes it extremely obvious that God will never bless me with children. So I’m on the other end of this thing looking back and seeing what has already occurred. How could there be any hope in this regard? EVERY ONE of those Christians throughout my life who said there’s always hope, etc. WAS WRONG! And please don’t tell me that I can still adopt. That is completely unrealistic for me for a couple of reasons. One is my health problems. I have enough trouble just getting myself out of bed in the morning and going to work. Another is that I cannot afford a child. I don’t even work full-time.
Thank you for this. Thank you for sharing this
Again, wow Susan. I feel like you are me, writing this posts. I agree with every word. I have many many many times cried out to God… “what have I done to make you hate me so much???!!!” I have never heard any answers from God and only in the last few yrs I have come to the conclusion it’s cause he isn’t there. I don’t expect anyone else to agree with me, so please don’t anyone respond with pointless meaningless platitudes trying to change my mind. If you had to live my life, I’d love to see where your faith would stand.
I knew that someone would take my comments negatively. I do believe that most of the time, we miss out on God’s blessings because of our actions, not his. God is a good GOD. He has no respect of persons. Maybe you feel differently. They tried to mince words with Jesus and he was the son of man. If God is good and perfect and has no respect of persons, how else can we explain how some get the blessings and not others?? I have compassion for anyone who is hurting. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even be on this site. All I can tell you is that it’s working for me. If you want it to work for you,maybe you should check yourself.
Revelation 3:20
King James Version (KJV)
20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
Angie,
I was only explaining why I have problems believing the way you do on this matter. I did not mean to offend, but I do think I am allowed to respectfully question what you assert without my Christianity being questioned. I’m not the only Christian who has struggled with this – that is clear from many passages in Scripture.
Thank you for contributing your thoughts on this difficult issue.
God bless,
Susan
No Angie… you are on this site to boast about your supposed “goodness” as being the reason why you are so “allegedly”” blessed. You actually suck.
There is no need to be rude. Why don’t we, as Christians especially, strive to treat people online with as much courtesy as those we are looking at face to face? It’s not that hard, it only takes a bit of emotional maturity and self-control. Just imagine Jesus sitting next to you. Makes the challenge a lot easier for me when I have that mental imagery!
I dunno Angie, how do you explain a pedophile who wins the lottery? (true story) God must have blessed him cause his actions as a pedophile were so good.
Girl, you are SO spot on! So many women fall for a bunch of spiritual “okie doke”, and end up walking a thin line between sanity and emotional instability. Many end up giving up, because they’re tired of hearing nowhere-close-to-perfect people preach about how they need to “put God first”, and God is “testing” them, to see if they’re legit, and only then will God reveal their man.
Putting God first, loving Him with an undivided heart is a challenge, regardless of your marital state. Why did these folks choose to marry, when they could have stayed single and offered total service to God? Why? Because they wanted companionship, sex and for some, children…and God too. We can want God, and want to have a man to love – MOST of us are wired that way. God is not sitting in heaven, shaking His head because I want a husband in my bed.
Thanks Tlynnsmith,
You point out the false dichotomy of wanting love, a family, etc. and wanting to serve God. If marriage and serving God were mutually exclusive, Genesis 2:18 would have read very differently indeed. I remember struggling for years in a church that basically ridiculed single people (in particular women) for wanting marriage and yet most of the people (generally men) sitting up preaching at you about how you just don’t love God enough because If you did you’d focus entirely on Him, were married themselves. I never knew a one of them to renounce their spouse and go live in a monastery or something. Utter hypocrisy, not to mention manipulative and misleading!
I let that and other things turn me from God for a while but at the end of the day, the one thing I know in life is that God is real, He loves me, and I am His. None of that is predicated on whether He gives me everything I want, or whether I continue to struggle or be uncertain about some of the particulars, or whether some random human approves of me. I’m certainly never going to allow anyone (whether Christian or not) to trick me into forgetting it again.
“I let that and other things turn me from God for a while but at the end of the day, the one thing I know in life is that God is real, He loves me, and I am His.”
TJ, this is it, right here. If God gave His son for me (the best gift, more loving and far superior to a husband or a wife), while I was/am yet a sinner, why do I have to “earn” the love/companionship of an imperfect, flawed human being? I want other women to see this lie, and stop letting folks trip them up with counsel that is dangerously unbiblical.
Single women need to know that just as there are thousands of us trying to escape the cross of singleness, there are also tons of CHRISTIAN women (and men) who aren’t fulfilled in marriage (and many of them did all the right things), and if they are, they weren’t always – and with the divorce rate in the church as high as it is, the “you’re not seeking God first” message doesn’t seem logical. Anybody can get married – staying married is the hard part, as we can see.
I believe that married women need to tell the truth – to add balance. It’s not about telling the world that the man you married – “The One”, ain’t all that. It’s more about admitting that it takes God’s supernatural power to merge two sinful individuals, and that the marriage you truly want often comes after many years (if you stick it out ) of work – not in the beginning. All we hear are the “I waited on God, prayed and when I stopped thinking about a guy, God sent me one!” type testimonies, which are great. But somebody has to stand up and say, “I’m not married, and I may not ever get married, but it is well with my soul”. because that will be somebody’s reality.
“WHATEVER my lot, GOD has taught me to say, it is well…it is well, with my soul”.
Thanks, TJ…and AMEN!
OOOOOOOOooooo, I wish you could stand up in the pulpit at my church and repeat this just like this. So may good points. I know one person in particular who needs to be blasted with this. Well said, my firend, well said.
It is not that God gives marriage and children to his best Christians he gives it to his favourites.
Thank you for the comment you made. No good thing will he withold from the righteous. You were righteous in God’s eyes and thats why you are blessed and even though you had problems conceiving God still blessed you along the way. Answered prayers are one of the ways we know God hears us and your prayers were answered.
I am happy and blessed when God blesses others.
You are blessed because God favoured you more than other christians! Thats not a bad thing it just means he decided to give you the desires of your heart. There are other people I know who have also been blessed some were in church but sure as heck didnt follow biblical teachings and are blessed whereas others who did some are still single at 60.
God has favourites he is God and has blessed those he deems worthy.
You dont have to feel unworthy it is what it is.
What I don’t get is why do all the wrong guys and older men dhow interest in me
I am not flattered ! Where is the right guy ? The one who is not too old or young
People say don’t be picky – I wonder if they are divorced and probably should have been picky
To me this is marriage kind of have to be picky ! Tough luck what society says
Honey, don’t let anyone tell you what you like. It is okay to want to be physically attracted to your mate but don’t let physically attraction alone lead you into marriage. When I was single, I experienced similar problems. I am a tall women and only short men were coming my way. Everyone in the church was telling me, I can’t be picky because there were no tall men in the church. And I would get so frustrated because every other girls’ mate were taller then them. I felt, why would God make me so tall to give me a short mate. God finally revealed to me that he created me tall for a reason, for my future husband was tall as well. Remember God does not give his children a stone if they are praying for bread. Don’t let other discourage you. He knows your hearts desire. He will give you just that just as long as it is not out of the will of God.
God has not been good to me . Starting with my birth defect which robbed me
From ever having children . I’m really angry at people who put me in a marriage with Jesus
I’m lonely ! I have never been on a date and to be told ” God called you to be single , to serve Him instead ”
That statement has killed me emotionally and spiritually .
I don’t want to be single and alone
Why on earth are there so many Christians forcing singleness on people already single
What’s it to them exactly ?
Of Course God didn’t call them
What’s worse is the ” they were just trying to help. ” or. ” they are only human ” bunk
People say Well isht Jesus enough ?
No he’s not ! He died for me but he has neve kept me company , ask me how my day was , go to movie
I resent Jesus with the he is my husband bunk !
I’m not his wife – sad I even need to clarify this but I have to
As people told he is my husband -that’s bunk as he’s not
None of my friends or family is married to Jesus
I’m sorry, Kathryn. I have no answers for you, only compassion. I’m not sure anyone on this earth has the answers to these hard questions.
Perhaps go on Ok cupid on line dating. Join a club with an hobby you like. your not alone trust me!!
I am thinking maybe I got saved too young. Now I realise why people say they want to get married and have children before they come to church or/and Christ. Because if they get in church first there is a chance they may never get married unless they are lucky.
At least you don’t have people mocking you or asking you silly questions like dont you want to have children? your pretty im suprised no one has married you yet? or someone yelling at you about you being old alone and 50. I am in my 30’s and have finally got it. it hurts i feel like a fool because while i was faithfully obeying i should have been doing what everyone else was doing they all married now.
I hear you Kat, I have been told that Jesus is enough garbage myself, as well as you should be happy that Jesus loves you if no one else does….it is utter rubbish, and Yes he takes care of my spiritual need for salvation, but I am left starving for psyshococial emotional connections that are not satisfied with churchified stuff. Lonliness is crappy…..it just is, and No one should be denied the joy of rocking a baby in their arms and having that child say mommie or daddy I love you, or having that baby reach for you because only you can do for them. I love you Katherine, and though I could not possibly understand all of your pain, I get a lot of what you are saying. I wish you would write a book to all of the sanctimonius idots out there about how us single barren people REALLY feel about it….I think that book would be great.
And there are so many of us men out there that are still single, and we’re hoping to meet a good woman to settle down with as well.
Jim,
As a man why dont you approach someone your interested in. Your supposed to be the leader. Many Christian women marry non Christians because at times no Christian man will even ask them to go out for a coffee!!!
Well if so many women weren’t so stuck up and stupid since they like playing hard to get, doesn’t help the situation either. Tired of being Rejected, especially when i see very pretty women with the creepiest looking men that i have ever seen in my life. Go Figure.
Jim, if this is your attitude towards women, I can see why you’re still single. There are just as many shallow stuck up stupid men in the world so stop blaming women in general. You and Tim have the same bad attitudes. From your posts, you both sound like woman hating misogynists.
Marie, my attitude towards women is mean because i never would had expected to get Cursed at by a woman that i really wanted to meet which doesn’t make any sense at all. And this has happened to me which makes me believe that there are so many Psycho women out there nowadays which is very scarey for many of us men trying to meet a Good woman today. I never did anything Wrong for her to curse at me, and there are certainly very mean women out there these days. And half of the time they’re Drunk and dress very sloppy to begin with, especially at the Clubs. I really wish that i had been born much sooner since i could had Avoided this mess today, and years ago many women were Real Ladies back then since most of them were Raised well by their parents. But not all of them. Well i had other friends that had the same experiences with women that were very nasty with them as well, and shows like MTV And Sex In The City promotes it more as well as the Media. When you think about it, the times were certainly much different years ago when our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were married for a very long time since most of the marriages back then did last. They even had a couple on TV recently that celebrated their 75th year together, and that shows you how much different the men and women were back then. And both men and women had to Struggle years ago to make ends meat, which many of them did work together to make it happen. Peace.
To Giray, many women will Reject many of us men when we will try to start a conversation with the one we would like to meet, and yet they will date Creepy looking men. Go Figure.
Hey Ruthie! Great words! I am 25 years old and I’ve been struggling with my singleness! I pray every night that I found a wonderful Christian man that loves God more than me, recently it’s been so hard watching my friends get married so easily. I believe that everything working his timing but it’s so hard to wait. Have a blessed night!!
Amazing! I’m reading whiney texts from people in their 20s and 30s and how they’re “struggling” with their singleness. Well, Boo-*******-Hoo!! I’m 59 and have still been unable to connect. Sympathy? Sorry, I’m fresh out. I’ve stopped praying about it, wishing for it, hoping for it or thinking about it. What I did was make the decision to date and seek a permanent relationship OUTSIDE ‘the faith’ as well as within it. That’s right…..I date non-christians….most of whom have their act together a LOT more so than so-called christians. I won’t go into great detail as to how screwed up and neurotic the christian women I’ve encountered have been, but if I did youall wouldn’t believe it anyway. I waited on god and waited my life away. I know, I know….”but His ways are not our ways”; “God’s Plan”; “God’s timing”…yadda yadda, blah, blah. Heard it and believed it for years. It’s B.S.!! And the older I get, the more I’m inclined to think it has always been so. So yes, I date and socialize outside the faith and I have no qualms whatsoever about keeping a good supply of Viagra on hand. If He objects, that of course, is His perogative. I figure he’ll deal with it one of two ways: either send me a christian wife that has her head screwed on right, or kill me. But until then, I will not live my life alone any more. And please…..no feigned sympathy, threats of judgement, or scriptural platitudes. My life is what it is. I’m just dealing with it. If I don’t, who will?
I hear you!! do what you gotta do its your life. I too believed for years and have seen life is not always black and white. I am meeting men who are lovely but not necessarily Christian. However, I will keep some christian values i wish you God’s peace and reas about Asmodeus before you turn your back on God forever!!!
hahaha your Viagra comment made me laugh. Good for you for getting on with life. Men are luckier than women in the “age” factor in that older men are still seen as desirable in our society but older women are not. ps I know ALOT of screwed up non Christian women, so don’t completely exclude someone based on that criteria alone.
Kathryn I was in the same position as you, I have an incurable disease that prevents me from having a social life and I am still single but there is a potential man in my life now. This is what I did: I fasted for 3 days, I asked for forgiveness for my unbelief. I told God that I know that he has the power to change my situation. I told him that I would register on dating sites but I will not talk to anyone and that he should send me potentials through those sites. Counterfeits came and I was disappointed but after a while 1 man spoke to me. When we met I felt that he was the one. Guess what, even getting to the relationship phase with him is a struggle because he feels that he is not ready. I rallied all my friends to fast and pray with me. My friends started getting a series of dreams confirming that this man is my husband from God. I got a little faith and started praying for God to reveal it to him as well. After a year he seems to be changing his mind. My attitude has also changed because I believe that if God said it then it will surely come to pass. So my advice to all of you is to st waiting and do some searching. While you search do a lot of prayer and fasting. Seek confirmations and prophecies from the Lord. And no Jesus is not your husband, he is the bride of the church but that is only an analogy. The bible says that is not good for man to be alone.
Why on earth do all these woman want husbands. I told God if I had a choice i would like a horse and two weeks later He gave me a wonderful black Spanish one. Definately more fun than a husband any day.
You have had a spouse and children. You can’t even begin to relate. It’s like a car owner telling someone else to just keep riding the bus. It doesn’t matter what responsibilities or issues come along with having a car. I want the freedom and benefits that come along with the car. I can’t help if you got a clunker. Everyone has that desire that initially had.
I think he forget about me to im not sure but I see a lot of people around me doing great but me and these people don’t have jesus in there life where im praying reading the bible I don’t even watch tv no more
Joann you should read Psalm 73
it describes how people that don’t know God can look like they have a good life, but this can all be taken away in a moment …anyway i think it would be a good encouragement for you 
hi all,
its so sad to read but whats worse is to understand these feelings. be it young or old, if you are lonely you are lonely.
i am 30 years old and am now the only single one out of every friend i have. they all have kids and are happily married.
i have been through alot even had a pulmonary embolism whilst being a leader/convenor at my church, then my job went downhill and i had to relocate and live on my own with the chronic illnesses that i am going through but through it all i still have faith. whenever i hear or see a friend of mine succeed i thank God for them but i also cry to him asking him why am i not at that level as yet. there are times that i sit back and say horrible things like “maybe if i am a bad girl id be better off’ and keeping myslf pure isnt even worth it but then after i say these things i feel so guilty because after all that i have been through he has still saved me from death then i start counting my blessings and naming them one by one whch is my family and friends and my job even though i also live from paychq to paychq. iv accepted whatever it is God had for my life even though it breaks my heart daily to live alone and not to be loved and to be the odd one out at every function. to see my Ex’s happier when they are the ones who hurt me and cheated. but as i go through this pain i embrace it and repent because at the end of the day i want a place with God in heaven regardless of what he has given me or not given me. in my family the woman until 50 are still unmarried and it seems that the genes are following. so no matter how old either of you are who are going through this lonliness and heartache, God is not our husband but he is our comforter and our flesh now seems deisres more than our spirit.
i know most people wont agree with my opinions but bare in mind these are my own thoughts and my own opinions that i am also just sharing with you. so dont take offence to anything that i mention.
i have not had a dad from the age of 14 he passed on and my mum ever since had 5 children to grow on her own, they say a widow will always be blessed as so she was. i have been the only child out of the five kids who faced death but Mercy said no, he brought me back to life which is my miracle and im ever so greatful, but does this cover up the pain and lonliness? NO -i wonder why i was actually saved if im still so alone. it doesnt change any situaton but what helps is the hope of a future, and even sometimes when depression kicks in but still keep pushing on, if God wants us too be single until death then maybe if i had to accept that and pray about it then i will be at peace but one thing is for sure, i will cancel, rebuke and bind everything that the enemy has stolen from me including my happiness and a future with someone that God would have wriiten in my lifes book.
i will still hope and pray and have faith. maybe one day by gods grace i will meet someone despite all the obstacles i have endured and still have to endure. he has a plan for my life not to harm me but to prosper me. if i am prospered it doesnt mean it has to be with a partner even if my flesh cries out for it. its a human desire that we all face daily.
i dont doubt that God is listening but i know he answers our prayers in his time for us and that is something i know i have, a lateness in my faith, just like how we feel like theres a delay, just when i realise how Good God is he does something to prove it.
being single and lonely is not a good thing but maybe we should start thanking him for the breath of life daily and change our bitter feelings in order for him to work in us and through us so that the person out there that who is meant for us will see the light shine through us. maybe we carry around so much of baggage that we are so transparent
maybe we/i need to re-focus my life, a woman after Gods own heart despite all the tears, pain, heartache and suffering. il be so lost in him that all these become peripheral, alll these things i will continue to pray about and as i continue to pray for each of you that has responded on this site, i will hope and pray that you do find love no matter what your gae may be 50 or 60 or 70 nothing is impossible. look at abraham how God had promised him and blessed him at an age of 100years that we think is impossible. But Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.
may the peace and love of God be with you all as you read this. if my words do not make you feel any good or you disagree may God speak to your hearts through someone or something else…. may we all be convicted with a super natural mind and be re-focused according to the will of God for us.
p.s. regardless of what we may feel and believe he still loves us.
At 30 you are still young. Please fast pray get out there.
Trust me you do not want to be alone at 38.
Join a dating site socialise more.
Whatever you do dont just accept God will just bring someone out of thin air. Join a gym do your hair smile smile and smile
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You will feel much better when you realize there is no God.. Life is random and when you die. It’s like before you were born. Nothing. NO we are nothing but more evolved bacteria. Does bacteria have a sole? I don’t think so.
The problem is the church…yep, The Body of Christ. We’re taught very early in our walk that if we just trust God, He’s going to give us every desire we have. We believe that if we do all the right things, He owes us. There’s a problem with that kind of thinking. Yeah, if I thought that way I’d be upset too – we all know some woman who slept with the multitude, got saved one day, and got married six months later – to the most upstanding dude in the church. It happens.
We think we must “earn a mate” – women, especially. Christian men are viewed as a prize, regardless of their spiritual condition. We’re told if we keep our legs closed, God’s man will find us, appreciate our chastity and swiftly escort us out of singledom, into marriage. Now, before you say I’m bitter, let me inform you: I’m not. I’ve spoken with so many heart-broken single women, who are worn out from the endless teachings regarding what we need to do, to attract a sinner, saved by grace, just like us. I’m older, still single…and I’m much wiser than I was when I was younger, waiting to be found as a “good thing” by a good man. Praise God! I’m sad for the thousands of women who have been made to feel like they somehow don’t measure up, by well-meaning, sometimes smug married women and pastoral leadership. The vast MAJORITY of Christians didn’t remain chaste until marriage…and somehow managed to escape permanent singlehood. So, I think there needs to be a lot more humility, a lot less speculation (I don’t know why you’re not married, but God knows, so ask Him), and lot more truth from married women about how unrewarding marriage SOMETIMES is. Life is not a fairytale.
Here’s the truth, straight with no chaser: God does not promise every woman she will marry, regardless of her desire to marry. Part of spiritual maturity is coming to grips with how “unfair” life OFTEN is. Nobody wants to grow – if the growth means having unmet desires. We trust God, as long as we believe the man is coming. But what if he never comes? Then what?
Live your life -it’s shorter than you think. Marriage is tough, and MOST marriages don’t survive the storms, including those in the church. Nothiing wrong with wanting to be married, have good sex and have a family. But like everything else, we must learn to thrive, even when our circumstances are not to our liking.
And that, Tlynnsmith, is what smart grown-folks Christianity looks like! Thank you so much for putting this out there. When we can love God, live life fully even when it is far from perfect, and face reality as it is even when we don’t like it and can’t explain it, I think we’re doing it right. Faith that is sustainable, life-giving, and real versus these manipulative theologies that back us into corners and separate us from God and each other. Amen!
TLynnsmith,
Wow… you just described me to a “t”! I have been believing, hoping, praying for my life partner…my husband since my late 20s. I’m now 44. I fell into that trap of believing my desires would be fulfilled…especially because I was faithful and did all the “right” things. I bought into the marriage, house and kids…in that order…hook, line and sinker. Needless to say, the entire concept has been upended. By age 35, I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids and fertility was questionable. In 2005 I had 22 fibroids removed, followed by a second surgery in 2006. My ob stressed if I wanted to bear children, I needed to do it asap. Without a relationship on the horizon, I decided that the praying, hoping and wishing was not working. I chose to have a child via an anonymous donor. I could not bear the thought of not having a child considering my desires for a husband had gone unanswered. Plus, I reasoned that if I opened myself to a different definition of how my family was created, then perhaps my husband would come later. Well… 5 years later, I’m still single but more tired with less time available to date! Lol!!!
I agree with you that marriage not pie in the sky. Being one of the only single friends in my circle of friends, I know that marriage is not a panacea. It takes hard work everyday. But… it’s something I want. Even if I accept that maybe I’m not “deemed” for marriage…which btw I still don’t agree with…am I not deemed for companionship and intimacy?
I don’t know the answer. I agree life is short. I focus on making the best of each day with my son.
Maria1935, I SOOOOOOOOO applaud you for taking control of your life… having your son!! Had I known I would be perpetually single, I would have done the same thing. I’m 42, and not sure of my fertility. Like you, I had a fibroid removed… and, I question whether I can even still conceive. I am constantly bombarded with regrets and questions, “what if”, “shoulda, coulda, woulda”.
Hey, Maria!
I was done commenting here, but I just wanted to clarify – There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to get married. I want to get married and I’ve met a wonderful man. My point to Christian women, which you seem to understand, is that marriage is not a “reward” for having the right amount of faith in God. The “faithless” have husbands, and in some parts of the world, marriages are arranged, so no “faith” to get MARRIED is needed. Christians , mostly married ones”, have made this “Until you put God FIRST, He won’t give you a spouse!” a spiritual mandate, and it is NOT. So, my suggestion to you is to keep trusting God – that He is good, whether you get married nor not. Live life, and make the difficult choice to be happy – knowing that if you do get married, there will be challenges, opportunities to build faith, re-establish trust in God, and failures. That’s comforting to me, because I can’t be good enough to receive anything good from God. God is good to us, not because we’re good, but because He is good.
God bless you!
I commended you for trusting God enough to have your child without a husband. Do you have any regrets?
Hi Lakisha,
No, I don’t have any regrets having my son without a husband. It was difficult to accept this path but I had to do something! Believe me, I arrived at the decision after countless years of crying, kicking and screaming! It was a process to mourn the fact that I would not have a family in the “traditional” way. I struggled to understand why I had to go this route to have a child. I was afraid of what people would say when they heard of my decision. Well, let me tell you, it was the best decision…for me. I’d spent enough time waiting…I could not rationalize waiting any longer.
In hindsight, had I known my life would take this path, I would have made the decision sooner. I come from a family of 5. I wanted my child to have at least one other sibling. My heart aches knowing that my son will not have a sibling. But having a second child solo at this age would be too much for me.
Ultimately, this path delivered my son. Clearly, the husband got stuck somewhere in the universe along the way. I’m finally resolving that marriage won’t happen for me and that I need to accept that. I focus each day on making the best life I can for my son.
I hope this helps you in some way.
Best,
Maria
God is the biggest fabrication of all time. Wake up people. GOD’S NOT REAL! Time to grow up and stop believing in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and a big mysterious man in the sky who knows everything. You have to except the fact that this world is not the work of a divine creator. The bible? stories written by men. There has never been any valid scientific proof of god’s existence.
Why do atheists troll Christian sites? Seriously, you have to be a complete loon to spend time arguing on sites like this when you don’t even believe it. This is a blog for Christians struggling with singleness, not a Christian vs Atheist forum. Get lost. I’ve got all eternity ahead, you on the other hand have only this one life which is the only heaven you will know before you are cast into outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Spend you time wisely and stop wasting it trying to get Christians to embrace your nihilistic and hopeless world view.
After discussing the single issue with my friend who is married. I think God is not the problem the church is the problem telling someone they are married to Jesus, or to sit and wait forever is ungodly.
I am out there dating some amazing guys and there is one in particular i think i do find him obnoxious at times but I appreciate men who know what they want are assertive. I would encourage everyone to stop talking negatively because words have power but yell rant and rave at God and hold him by his word that he will give you the desires of your heart, man was not meant to live alone etc; seek out churches that are pro marriage. Ask your friends to set you up. I pray each and every one of you on this site inc myself will find the “one” in Jesus name Dont give up but I would strongly suggest to try new methods.
I would like to thank Ruthie for writing this article so much I came on here and reading the comments i understood perfectly what readers were experiencing i must confess i was resentful,hurt and felt betrayed by God and at times still do but am going to turn a new leaf. Refuse the curse of singleness refuse to be its candidate please prayerfully consider this a vision a pastor had as he was praying for his daughter to get married he was in a house when suddenly he saw a witch with his daughters wedding ring he started towards it in prayer but suddenly he was distracted and looked outside the window and saw hundreds of men young old who were stuck in a plantation of something that were unable to get married because they were bound. I think the enemy is fighting very hard for christians to get married time to fight back in prayer,fasting and being very pro active. Also pat holliday has an article on asmodeus that has literally kept many singles from every marrying
Being alone is not good – but not having a man doesn’t mean you’re alone, and having a man to keep from being alone is not good either. Secondly, in the beginning it was the man who was alone – and God decided HE needed someone like him. We were created to eliminate man’s “aloneness”. So, while it’s wrong for women to have inflated egos, we need to develop the proper perspective: We don’t have to spend so much time trying to be perfect, because we’re trying to get a man who isn’t “seeing” us to see us. God will give a woman favor with men (I don’t believe there is only one person who would make a suitable mate for someone) who will appreciate who she is – including her imperfections. We are “perfect” for men, because we were designed to be just that.
Being single is not a prison sentence we need to try and free ourselves from. If your biological clock ticks away, let it tick away, and thank God for a different direction your life may take. I’m African-American, and there are some cultural issues that prevent a lot of black women from finding suitable mates. God can, but often does not change the circumstances we find ourselves in, as a society, because of our reluctance to do things God’s way. Sin complicates things, and the way of the transgressor is hard. Sometimes there are societal consequence and we have to pay the piper and depend on God’s grace to sustain us. It’s not always about “smiling’ and “putting yourself out there”, “wearing cute clothes”, etc. There are some gorgeous, friendly, kind, godly, accomplished women who would like to be married and aren’t. There are some women, who aren’t necessarily any of/all of those things, and they’re married. Life is often much more complicated than, “Do this, and this will happen”. There are lot of bitter Christian men and women, who aren’t even capable of having whole, enriching, unselfish, edifying relationships with others, not in their current condition. It’s hard to work on you, when you think the problem is everybody else.
Life is hard, but Jesus has overcome the world. You can be married, and be alone/lonely. You can get married, and end up single. Your husband/wife can leave you by choice, or by death. So, “you” is the common denominator – you must deal with you, learn to be at peace with yourself, and understand that just like we come into the world “alone”, we leave the world…alone.
Yes im aa too an know this is tru we live in a fallen world and theres nothing you can do. Marriage cannot be the goal of life. Families are built thru years and generations of obedience. Not that God cant change that, but honestly most of the problem is with us and SATAN. So being single but being blessed with relationships i have dated and i can say im not alone and even tho not married i never had a godly friendship. Sometimes we make choices and unfortunately those choices have consequences. Otherwise God is trying to get glory out of your life so ive finally given that to the Lord.God does what He pleases we simply my obey and go to Him with our sorrows life is not perfect.
He does reward obedience however, so thats never a waste. But you must be obeying for the right reasons too, but it says ‘God rains on the just and the unjust’ so He never promised wicked people wouldnt prosper
But we don’t obey God, expecting to see our reward in this life. Plus, I don’t see marriage as a “reward” – sorry. It’s too much work, and there are no promises when it comes to what another person will do. I believe it can be a blessing, but it’s one of many blessings. There was a time when a woman didn’t. have to “believe God’ for a husband, because her marriage was pretty much guaranteed – arranged. We forget that. Now, in this modern society, we have women “praying” for husbands. Had God changed? No, He has not…He does not change.
No, life is not perfect…and that’s a concept too many of us missed in bible study. Where we got this idea that because we have Jesus we’re never to experience unmet desires. That is so..immature, and there’s no wonder that many people fall away from the faith, because they never got the full picture of what it means to be in the world, but not of it.
The last thing is very unpopular, ive seen ppl living in sin and God bless them with a marriage why? The most unpopular reason..bc i think He would rather them NOT fall and burn.in other words if you ‘can’ hold out you should. If you cannot, you should get married its hard to open that box and close it again..it can be done .but i feel like because i am ABLE to contain He allows me to. Marriage is nit the Goal, Gods purpose is. If Gods purposes were for you to marry you wouldnt be able to do anything but.He does want ppl sinning. maybe bc of the past sins that young woman wouldnt have the grace to wait as long as we, maybe she would or maybe God is using her to test our hearts and ‘works’ thelogy.God does what He wants with whomever. So its really not about her but what is God wanting me to do.you cant compare
Sorry, I got a problem with that theology. A lot of folks seem to believe God “blesses” fornicators with mates, to keep them from “sinning more”. No, the scriptures say to AVOID fornication, women and men should have mates. You get married to keep from fornicating in the first place.
I resent when people imply that God can “trust me” to not fornicate, so He ain’t pressed to provide a mate. That’s utter hogwash. I have to make decisions, just like anyone else. I’m no less sexual than average – I’m probably more sexual than average, if anything, BUT I have to bring my body into subjection – it’s a discipline, and if you don’t master it before you get married, you’ll have problems after. The flesh will always want what’s’ contrary to the spirit. The battle just changes, once you get married.
If had more than a few married couples tell me that when you’re single, the struggle is abstain, and after you marry Satan’s goal is to keep you from coming together (everything gets in the way of sex) – his goal is always to get us off the path God desires, and it doesn’t matter if we’re married or not. Folks who couldn’t keep their hands off each other before marriage, may find that the fire dies down after marriage. It’s real tricky.
God always supplies grace, when “sin” abounds – “Where sin abounds, grace that much more abounds”. Romans 5:20. God does not leave us without power to resist the flesh. However, my pastor used to say, “God does not intend for sex to stop, once it’s started”, meaning it’s supposed to be continuous – as part of marriage. It’s hard to shut it off, even when we desire to do right. I
What about an asexusl like me ? I don’t desire sex at all and no it’s not celibacy
I was literally born this way
God either didn’t create me or not all humans are sexual beings
1 person is it all it takes to derail ” all ”
So what do I do ?
Ask God to do a major new work in your heart and life nothing is impossible with God you have to rant and air all your grievances to him he can handle it….. Cry out to God like never before it is NOT his will for people to remain single forever despite what other usually’ married Christians think.
I had a really horrible situation not to do with marriage and I almost lost my faith on a serious level. I had a break down also cried buckets was angry and upset i searched the google like never before i prayed like my life depended on it well actually my life did depend on it! I was suicidal etc But you know what God DID COME THROUGH. Even someone called it a miracle
I was then adviced by my friend the same way I prayed about that situation is the same way I should pray for a husband. This is difficult/easy at the same time as been praying for a long time and now at the stage where I finally woke up and smell the coffee. I meeting different guys not Christians but lovely people and will see how it goes
He doesnt want people sinning i meant to say
What about me ? I’m asexual due to a birth defect
I also can’t have kids. So because I have no desire for sex and can’t have kids I can’t get married ? Is that all marriage is sex and children ?
Talk about being slighted and getting a very very raw end of the deal. !
Where is my say In this ? I didn’t ask for this birth defect
No good has come from it not will any ever come
I feel robbed and deprived .
What I am is lonely !
Jesus doesn’t keep me company at all
Also I was told I’m a Eunich or whatever
It’s as if someone went to great lengths to ensure I would be alone
But how in the heck is that fair to me !!!!
God has other plans ? That did nothing but Tick me off
No doubt many church people use Gods name to manipulate people
I was told that God punishes those who don’t put him first with singleness
Well the opposite is that he rewards marriage to those who put him first which is bunk
In order for the former to be true the latter has to be true
Maybe you should ask God personally. I am dealing with my issues but every now and then I get upset when I think about it but know I have keys to help me plus the pastor at my new church is very pro marriage and gives singles tips, encouragement,prayers i never been to a church where the people encourage you and give the first time i have heard basic honest genuine reason why people not marrying i am praying and believing to find spouse by August.
I’m just curious . Does God really give anyone a spouse ?
People say he did but did God say he would or did
Explaining needs to be done to us not excuses , Blame game etc
If he provides spouses why it only to some ?
I’m done with the bunk from many other
Christians honesty !
Actually,
There’s only one recorded incident, that I know of, where God directed someone to marry someone/a type of someone – Hosea and Gomer. A lot of our theology does not come from the bible, which is fine if you have the discernment/wisdom to sift thru what is biblical and what is societal/cultural….or neither. It’s really not fine, but it happens.
I do not believe there is only “one” person for anyone – that would depend on folks being really tuned into God’s will and direction…and too many of us, me included, sometimes miss the most basic promptings from God. I think God presents and directs (just like in any other situation/interaction), and we choose. There are those who say God chose their spouses…good for them. I’m not here to discredit their beliefs. The likelihood of people missing the “one” person for them is very high – God’s standards are often different from ours. I think God gives us freedom to decide, along with principles to make a sound decision.
As I stated earlier, there was a time when spouses were chosen – by parents, via arrangement. Marriage for a woman was a given…didn’t matter if she was “ready”, or “loved God enough” or whatever. So, since society has changed and morality has taken a nose dive, Christians often feel a need to come up with some not-well-thought-out answers to the single woman’s dilemma of not being able to find a husband…or be found by one.
To be honest I am not sure God gives modern day people spouses as such. What I have seen is people who sleep around including Christians and backslidders get married and then return to Christ. I have never seen a situation where God brought 2 people together except in the Bible. IF I could say anything to my younger self it would be less time praying and in church but having fun finding someone having a family and then coming to church! I feel so cheated doing my best to follow God’s law for it to come to be being alone in my 30’s while everyone else is married.
I bet im the laughing stock now i know how sarah felt. What is the point of marrying at 70 years old like one Christian woman I heard about Why would God do this to me?
And then the church keeps going on about being sexually pure how you going to keep abstaining into your 50’s I met a woman in new church who was currently suffering from depression All her friends are in stages of becoming grandparents whilst shes alone majority of these people are not even Christians
I pray for myself and I pray for others in my situation. I haven’t been to church on mother’s day for the last 12 years
Can’t take the torture.
Sorry you are sad pray in faith ask GOD to get rid of all obstacles or hinderances in your path and believe!!! Nothing is impossible with God . SINGLE.AND.SAD. you are just temporarily single!!!! remember proverbs says as a man thinketh in his heart so he is confess marriage not singlesness BELIEVE say no to discouragement, depression ASmodous ( main troublemaker for singles) and spirit of delay. HOPE deferred makes the heart sick.
Felt this on my heart for many:
MOUNTAINS ARE GOING TO MOVE, AS YOU PURSUE
“Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.” – Mark 11:22-23
Many have mountains before them that are labelled impossibility. They are screaming loudly all their impossibilities. They are standing tall, they are intimidating.
I sensed the word “pursue” heavily on my heart. No matter how things look right now, no matter what things are screaming at you DO NOT STOP PURSUING HIM! Do not let the enemy put your eyes to circumstances and what the “natural” looks like, but continue to PURSUE HIM and declare His Word.
The opposition has increased so dramatically for some coming into September because of the amazing things the Lord is going to release in this month, but now is not the time to sit back and “wait for it to blow over”. Now is the time to be proactive. Do NOT give up! Keep moving forward! Keep proclaiming the words that HE HAS GIVEN YOU! Not what man says, not what circumstances say, what THE LORD says.
Mountains are going to move in September. HUGE mountains. Mountains that look so impossible but out of these mountains moving ministries are going to be birthed, salvations will increase and the Kingdom will be seen to move and extend at rapid pace. Have faith IN GOD and watch what He will do as you move according to His Word, as you SPEAK FORTH His Word and FIGHT! Do NOT give up!
I also sensed many have felt like there are whispers of doubt and fear on every side. Foreboading, fearful taunts continually around. Look at the very area that the “taunts” are attacking, because for many, this will be the very area the Lord is about to give you victory and breakthrough over. THE VERY AREA the Lord is going to release you into, stepping into greater authority. He has given you ALL authority, but there is a growing INTO this authority that is happening right now.
Take UP your swords people of God! PURSUE HIM! Do NOT STOP pursuing Him! This is a VITALLY CRUCIAL moment for many. Press through UNTIL YOU SEE BREAKTHROUGH!
Do you know I used to cry and feel sorry for myself. Turning 40, no husband, no kids. Then I decided to seek answers through prayer, and it dawned on me. Some of us are merely here to be guardians of abandoned children, whether it be through adoption, mentoring, or whatever. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I was mad at God. I knew I was a good person, extremely kind, everyone told me I would be an awesome mother, yet motherhood eluded me. I finally realized that it takes a special kind of person to provide a child who you did not give birth to an extraordinary life. I believe this is a special task God reserved for his special children. I am now looking into adoption, and couldn’t be more thrilled. God makes vey thing beautiful in his own time, but you have to listen to his voice, and take the necessary steps you need to get what you want. I also want a husband, but I won’t be sitting at home waiting for him to come, I am going go put mout there so that he can find me.
But why would God force some of us into adoption, fostering or mentoring as our only route to parenthood when we clearly would love to bear natural children? Is it really necessary for God to deny us fruit from our own bodies to get people to care for others’ children? Does this mean the Biblical promise of fertility, plus the promise that all the blessings of Abraham are ours, is not to be trusted? What of the promise that God adds no sorrow to His blessings? Can someone please explain this?
When will things catch up with fornicators , adulturers and gays
It angers me to see things work out for them !
One night stand people don’t have a place in my life
Truth is for some sinners things will only catch up on judgement day. Try not to pay attention to them you will only become more angry.
You’re a sinner, saved by grace. Just like God allows you to keep breathing, while you are still a sinner, God has mercy on all. So, asking for God to “punish” those who fornicate would also mean you’re looking for what’s due to you…as a sinner. Be careful – bitterness and envy are sins too.
Now, while I understand your hurt…really I do, I think you’re not thinking correctly. God doesn’t owe us anything…including a mate. Secondly, who’s to say that God had anything to do with many of the marriages we’ve seen take place? Just because someone says God was in it, doesn’t mean He was. God allows a lot, but ordains not as much.
You may not get married. That’s life…hard as it is. There are married people now, who won’t be married tomorrow – because of death, abandonment, etc. There are married women, who can’t have children. You must learn to handle life…as it comes, and not make marriage a condition for you to be happy. I’m sorry..but that’s the truth.
i am not asking for God to judge fornicators as I don’t have to do that as I know He will . Im asking when will He?
don’t take me out of context please geez
God will judge fornicators and gays and adulterers it just seems to be them getting ahead and getting away with is what I have hard time with
Sorry, Kathryn…your feelings are getting in the way of what you’re writing. Again, perhaps it may be a good idea to read what you’ve typed, before you send it out for others to read. “Context”? I understand context very well.
Now, truth needs no co-signer, and those who desire truth swallow it, even if it’s bitter going down. If you know God, then you know He deals with wrong in due time. He rains on the just, and the unjust, so sometimes folks who aren’t trying to live right get “good” things. That’s the way it is. I’ve gotten things I didn’t “deserve”, but God showed me favor. I’m thankful.
If you take the time to read and process what I’m saying, instead of being so…defensive, you might actually gain something positive. I’m one of the few who said something you don’t wanna hear – life is hard, and we don’t always get we want, AND as outsiders, we OFTEN think God has “blessed” someone with a mate, when He actually (probably) had nothing to do with it. God allows a lot…doesn’t mean He’s ordained it. Christians often marry for the same reasons as heathens – and they give God credit for the union, and God probably shakes His head in protest. God’s first priority isn’t to find us husbands/wives – again I don’t know what religious teachings you believe. But as Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like…we’re to look like Him. All the other “things” are there to help us get to that goal – marriage can be an avenue, but it probably won’t be a path of ease, because humans are selfish, by nature.
I’m sorry smith no actually I’m not – your opinion is not the truth nor will i make it the truth – i respect that you have an opinion but I learned the hard the way that i must quit giving peoples personal opinions credibility let alone truth status. I do get your opinion matters to you but do get it will not matter to me – my life will not operate based on what you think of my situation nor does it have to . you are not the author or finisher of anything in my life = now “thats the truth”
God doesn’t share your opinion t smith as Gods thoughts and ways are not ours – I also learned the hard way but also learned that people not only don’t speak as God they don’t speak for him either – my viewpoint of God can’t be based on anything you say but my viewpoint of you has to be !
“God doesn’t share your opinion t smith as Gods thoughts and ways are not ours”
It’s not about my opinion. The Bible teaches that we are all sinners. If you’re “saved, it’s by grace. Now, if you don’t believe the bible, that’s fine. So no, you aren’t a sinner, saved by grace. My bad.
However, don’t blame me because you sound extremely bitter and angry. I answered you according to what you put out there. The whole “when is God going to punish the fornicators???” position is an interesting one to have, considering the fact the we all have sinned, and fallen short. You may not be a fornicator, but fornication isn’t the only sin Christ died for. So, if you’re looking for what’s due to others, then make sure you’re good with what’s due to you.
Again, you seem to have major issues with God…don’t transfer those issues to me. Now, if what I said is incorrect, based on the scriptures, then let’s address that – because that’s all that matters to me. I have no concern for how you feel about me. Sorry, I don’t.
Peace.
No I have issuues with your opinions the ones In this thread
I am not sorry but you aren’t negating anyone on here who is struggling
and your opinions and people like you are not aware obviously
Of the damage your words cause . Your view of things is your view
But it does not have to be anyone else’s no are your opinions the answer let alone
Reasons why what the bible says and what you think are not one in the same .Don’t put this on you but your opinions are yours
And that is on you . You seem to want to invalidate not Just me but many people here
Many of us here are in much pain over this and your opinion well is just that and no it’s not what the bible says . Don’t be a stumbling block. . Yeah I said it and mean that
Try reading what the bible says about that
What Also bothers me is being told that being single is what God thinks is best
Is this the same God tryst said it’s not good for man to be alone
Being single is NOT what’s best for me I haven’t met any worthwhile person to let alone date
Well I have they are taken smh
Why don’t you join some kind of social club or singles group?
What is not best for anyone is to watch others marry and have families
That is torture and of course people say well you have to get out there
Well there also has to be someone there when you get out there !
That is true. But seems to be a common theme for many Christians everywhere maybe its down to luck i dont know
what would help me to better to cope is to think God has absolutely nothing to do with who people marry . I think it really is up to individuals not God. I look at the divorce rate even among christians and to me it makes more sense that people made a very choice because is God that bad of a matchmaker or that proves the point that God is no matchmaker at all and therefore by providing for no one he isnt slighting anyone but if he is providing for some and not others well in my opinion the ones who he is not providing for are being slighted .
I also cant have kids yet i seem to see almost weekly people making the news for killing their kids
now why would God allow these people to have kids – sure people say God gave us free will well to me anything is secondary to the fact that God knows the future and knows that these people will kill their kids so why exactly didnt he make them infertile !!!! yeah i am bit angry over this because not only am i still single I somehow feel lesser than people who kill their kids – why did God allow them to have kids – no brainer to me they should have been infertile !
Yes,.. these days, some times I wonder if there truly is a God,.. even though I have been born again for many years. Even though am blessed in so many ways, I have really struggled where relationships are concerned,.. I feel so tired, almost hopeless, almost like giving up.
I really enjoyed this article and I’ve been reading over the comments posted. I either feel now…or have felt…exactly like everyone else who has been brave enough to post their feelings & frustrations on here. I don’t have any advice to give…and I’m definitely not here to judge…but let me share what I’ve learned during my struggles.
First, God’s love for us is not performance-driven. He loves all of His children…even those who don’t believe in Him. He blesses all of His children…and those blessings are not determined on how “good” you are. He blesses us when we are good, when we are bad, when we deserve it, when we don’t deserve it, and when we don’t even acknowledge that He exists. The reason He does this is because He loves blessing us! His blessings are not a reward….they are a gift.
This goes directly against everything we’ve been taught our entire lives. Because down here…on Earth…results matter!! If you perform well in school, you earn good grades and praise from teachers. If you do well at your job you may earn a pay raise or promotion. This is how it works in the “real world.” …And God is the ONLY one who does not work that way! Thank God for that!!
You all are exactly right. It’s not fair that you have lived Godly lives, and followed all the “rules”, and yet you have to stand by and watch other people enjoy the blessings of marriage and children. It’s also not fair that my best friend since kindergarten died at the age of 25 after diving into the ocean waters to save the lives of 3 of his High School students who were drowning. It was their senior class trip and he was one of the adult sponsors who accompanied them. He was a better teacher than me, a better son, and a better person. If God made His decisions based on what is “fair” or how well we “perform” as Christians, than it should have been me that died, and not Brett.
I used to want a wife and children…just like many of you who have already written. I begged God for those things. I tried to live a life that would please Him, so that He would give those things to me. And guess what? I’m 34 and it still hasn’t happened. But check this out…I’m finally O.K. with that now…because I don’t care about what I want anymore. It’s not about me. Forget me! It’s about God! I want what He wants. I need what He needs. My problem is I have such a hard time understanding what it is that He really wants. So, I am waiting for Him to show me. And my new prayer is, “Please God make it really clear to me so that I know.” Then, together we’ll go get it!
I don’t know if this helps any of you or not. In spite of all of this, my faith is still really weak. I know the Bible says I’m not supposed to ask for “a sign”, but please God would you somehow let me know that I’m on the right track….let me know I’m not just talking to myself?
Lastly, I am sorry that so many of you are hurting so much. I hope you get everything you are praying for. In the meantime, will you do me a favor? Take a moment each day to thank Him for all of the “little blessings” He has given you…while you continue to wait for the “big blessing” you want so badly. Thank Him for that warm cup of coffee in the morning….the peaceful night of sleep you enjoyed…the smile you see on a child’s face…and the wonderful church family & friends that I hope you all have. That is what I try to do each day to keep my sanity and not dwell so much on what I don’t have. Let me finish by adding my favorite Bible verse: “This is how we know what true love is: Jesus Christ died for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers & sisters .” 1 John 3:16
Thank you Jesus…and R.I.P. Brett…I look forward to seeing you in Heaven!!
Who’s Brett ?
I have waited more then 20 years I have prayed and cried, gotten angry and cried myself to sleep…as the years have gone past and my youth is fading fast I am now 43 and still the single friend, sister, aunty, daughter, single mother, and Ive had it with asking god for a loving husband so now Im going to be the harlot sleep with all the men I want if it’s the only means of having intimacy then so be it…and so he has given me the greace to do so to try all the men I want…this is coming from all the years of being alone because I have no clue what he is doing, I don’t think it’s his fault that I’m single I think this must be how its ment to be I’m ment to be a harlot or else I would be in a marriage and being in one in this day and age would be more heart breaking because most married men are such ass holes who muck around on their wives or wives mucking around on their husbands and yes Christian men and women are apart if that equation..I see most of my friends and they not really happy they with dumb ass partner’s who are really just hurting more then we are, they fight and angry at each other most of the time and so I’ve come to think I’m really the lucky one I can go where I want, do as I please and answer to no husband and I don’t have to cook, clean after the pigs because if it wasn’t for women most men actually live like slobs and frankly I can’t be bothered doing all that for love…so I’ve been blessed to be me even though its hard living on a single income but at this moment in time I’m going to live my life how it rolls out for me . And then god can till me when I see him…
Right on girl. There is no God by the way. Glad you finally figured it out.
By the way, Joe, you could be wrong. Because, if your opinion is always the absolute truth as you seem to think, then that would make you… uh-oh, that would basically make you God!
Joe I do believe there is a God and that Jesus died for me even though King James had given us the bible as we know it, I also know that he put in and didnt put in everything, I know that the vadican and the kings and queens were murderist for power, I also know we have been feed with lies and deception our whole life..However knowing all this I still believe that there is something higher and mighty and for me It God Jesus and the holy spirit, You see I’ve had to dig deep knowing that there are things that have happened in my life because of Jesus, I left the church years ago but I know God still loves me and Jesus is still my savior, I didn’t like organised church that answers to men who live a rich life from there 10 % of the flocks wagers and some of there flock are struggle to make ends meet and sitting in the pue working on themselves and not getting out there like mother Teresa…even though they do in a organised way but they have to go by the committee of what ever churchvyhat mostle are controld by organized governments and cooperations high rakes…I know I’m living a sinful life and I know god loves me…but this is the way I do things for now…
Jesus revealed himself to me as being the truth and the way when I was heartbroken and desperate after being left by the father of my three children when the youngest was newborn.
Of course, this relationship – and many in my life before it, was a result of trying to capture for myself some of that unconditional love and intimacy that can only come from our Father.
I had lived a painful life without knowing that I was loved by anyone, let alone created by love and for love by a completely loving creator!
So when finally I was transformed by the Gospel, I thought my independent, off the mark, struggle of a life was over.
It took 2 1/2 years to really let go of the father of my children and to start trusting God to provide a good, Godly man to be my husband.
So, I waited, I struggled as a single mother, I waited some more and I watched many of my friends – Christian and non-Christian have relationships – fun, affection, companionship, engagements, marriages. All the while I was trying to do my best with my children through housing and financial difficulties etc.
All alone and with only my children for affection.
But, I trusted God and was grateful for the blessings in my life and the ultimate blessing of being in eternal relationship with Him and just stayed humble and trusting.
Then something happened that revealed my true unbelief in our Father that I didn’t even know was lurking in the bottom of my heart.
I started to socialise with younger friends as I got some free time away from my children. I ended up getting caught up in partying and drinking – thinking why not, we are covered by grace right?
This led me to think, well I’ve waited and waited on God for a man, here are my friends experiencing joy in their lives – surely this is what God wants me to do, surely God wants me and trusts me to go out and do what I desire to do?
So long story shortened, here I am four months pregnant with my fourth child and still single and cut off (self-imposed) socially, so am going through this somewhat alone! Again!
Only this time, through the darkness of spending the last three months bedridden with pregnancy sickness – I have surrendered to His presence and His hand holding mine truly.
I didn’t know that I was still holding back independently, self-sufficiently from God because I just didn’t trust Him to provide for ME. Silly old me!
Now all I can gather from this messy little mess I have created for myself is that children are indeed a gift from God, no matter what the circumstance and that truly, truly, truly, I don’t want to go out and get something for myself under my own steam ever again.
Wisdom and trust and love to everyone out there struggling, life is so, so much bigger and more magnificent than we could ever think!
God exists in eternity because He knows that we need eternity together to truly enjoy each other, 70-80-90 years on earth is nothing compared with an eternity of love, here right now is an opportunity to share and experience some of that eternity, in many, many different ways and circumstances, it is all a blessing from our Father who loves us dearly!
I’m a 40 year old man who came to this page by accident. I’m even more frustrated after reading this. I have tried to do everything as good as possible because I know God is watching. I see younger men getting married to the most beautiful women and I’m still single waiting for God . I’m not a bad looking man at all so I dont understand why i haven’t been able to meet a good woman. I dont go to bars or clubs.I just dont get it. I really dont. I want to believe in God anymore.
Then don’t. God doesn’t exist anyway.
Hi my name is Karen and I am 26 years old. I never had a boyfriend before. I felt like men don’t interested in deaf woman . I am deaf because I was born that way. I decided focus on education for my goal accounting degree. I am waiting for a good man for me and I pray for god every night. I am patient. I hope God will give me a good man someday :).
I’m so tired of this ” jesus is enough ” or ” jesus is all I need ” for salvation yes for things like companionship heck no
Jesus isn’t a companion In life
I agree with you Kathryn. I wish some people would stop throwing scriptures out as if it will magically change things or instantly make you feel better.
Good point Tony, I feel the exact same way.
I believe lots of us write these messages on here for the single puprose – to express our frustration and bring it to G-ds attention. So here is mine 5 cents, yes i am 38 yes i am still single but i am happy to have you in my life no matter what happens Jesus please just stay with me.
I just stumbled on this site. To all the single people out there who posted, thank you for your honesty and your open hearts. I feel your pain and struggle. Being single for so long impacts so many areas of our lives. It hurts double when people around you don’t seem to understand. If people around me understood the depth of what I feel, it wouldn’t hurt as much. I’m a pretty adventurous guy. I love trying new food, exercising, and the outdoors. I climbed Half Dome, river rafted, rock climbed, and even seen sea turtles catch in Costa Rica. Being single when I have a heart that wants to travel and do things really hurts. I want to share these experiences with another. I tried traveling alone, but it gets seriously lonely when you see nothing except couples and families around you. When I look at a beautiful scenery, I feel exhilarated and sad at the same time. I feel sad because I wish I could be sharing that moment with my wife. It might seem like my life is full of adventures, but the truth is I am alone most of the time. I was able to have these adventures because I chose to fight for myself. It’s good that I don’t want to be defeated, but I’m human. I get tired like everybody else.
Anyways, I love the sharing here. I am single and 40 years of age. Thanks for all the sharing. It makes me feel less alone. In fact, the sharing really helps to relieve some of that burden. I think sharing our burdens with each other is important. It makes it a lot lighter and easier to carry. I find that I can only share this with my pastor. When I share with other people, they either get judgmental, start throwing scriptures at me, and generally make me feel worst.
Hi Tony maybe you will meet a lovely wife on this forum. Something beautiful can come out of this happenstance.
Tony,
you sound like a really nice guy…I wish I could share things like this with my pastor’s wife…it doesn’t feel like I’m able to share about my struggles as a single person with people in my church…it’s like the church can’t relate…unless if it had a singles ministry, perhaps…thanks for being candid in your response. And I hope you do find a great girl who loves adventures like you do. I think it’d be fun to try zip-lining with that special someone someday, or do any of the other things you mentioned. Keep the faith, and I’m glad guys like you still exist-not willing to give others the impression that you’re a ‘self-made man’ and wouldn’t like to share your adventures with a lady.
God, bless this man soon with a soul mate. Someone to love and cherish him and appreciate the uniqueness of his personality. Don’t allow him to stand anymore without human companionship. May he know the joy of family life and soon.
I’m going through this right now. Just as a cry and beg god why he has not given me a husband .. I see someone who has betrayed and lied on me, had several abortions find a husband. I’m done. God does have favorites. It doesn’t matter what you do, if god wants you to have a husband he will. I’ve seen women who slept with married men, even woman that are also with women find men who adore them. I watch my figure, I never hurt anybody, I never lie, I’ve never even cheated on a boyfriend. men ask me out but I haven’t felt that spark or fallen in love in years. I feel betrayed by god I really do. I’m so sad I can’t even describe it
With all the bad luck with men and not one date in seven years i have a huge ACCESS DENIED sign illuminated in the love/romance side of my life. God doenst want me to be involved with anyone in that way. Even christian men arent interested, and yet vile bitchy women get taken first. Im heading towards 30 and never had a relationship
Being single sucks
After reading this, and all these posts, I have finally turned my back on God. I only ever asked God for 2 things for me and he failed me on both. I have lived a perpetual hell on earth. I had faith, trusted and believed in God all my life, and yet he continually allowed unimaginable things to happen to me. I never expected to be rewarded. I never expected God to just give. I worked my ass off to only have everything taken from me – everything I have loved, cherished and adored. He abandoned me, forgot about me and blessed everyone around me, yet for me he did absolutely nothing. He even blessed no believers who only whinge and bitch about their lives – things I had wanted for me and never got or had and taken away. there is only so much I can take. does it mean I had lack of faith? no. I did, but I cannot believe in a God anymore who just allows everything to be taken away from me. Yes I know Jesus said to satan do not test the Lord your God, but Im sick to death of God testing me Maybe I’m like Job when he finally hit that point and said why me god? If God wants me back, he’s got to give me something instead of allowing me to be broken past the point I can no longer tolerate. its easy to say get out there and date – but what if you do that and no one wants to be with you? and you have begged god. I waited and waited and finally met the guy I love and would sacrifice anything for – yet he has addictions he cannot overcome. I begged god to heal him – and god did absolutely nothing. and don’t give me the crap about free will – god has the power to overcome anything for his will, yet god does nothing. nothing at all. he left me alone god left me alone. he broke the very last thing in me. I don’t care what happens to me after I die, because I live perpetually in hell every day, so for me it’s going to be no different if I go to hell. Am I angry and bitter with God? No, I just give up on Him because he failed me. After 21 yrs being single, no flings or relationships in there – lost all of my friends, career destroyed all for doing the right thing for a dead junkie and to ask God to heal this man from his addictions and inner demons and let him come back to me was the only thing I ever asked god to do for me – but he chose not to do a thing. God tests our faith constantly, well its about time God gave back because if he can bless everyone else and not me, then I am done.
I feel the same way Linda. I believed, prayed, begged… for years and years and years, and I got no relief from my suffering. Instead, God blessed ALL the non-believers around me, but took more and more and more from me until I had nothing left to give …. not even to myself, never mind to anyone else. I AM angry and bitter with God AND I gave up on Him. Maybe that will change in the future but I doubt it, because now I feel like… if anything good ever does happen for me, I will not give Him the credit because it’s a little too little, a little too late.
I agree with you in a way, I feel like I have been failed by God plenty of times. One time in particular. But what I have always asked my self and strived for was to love unconditionally. The way I perceive God(Is probably wrong)will not affect my love for Him. Sometimes, I feel like He is jerking me around, playing with my feelings. I say, “okay God your will not mine” and the next thing I know I’m being tested. But I know, because I believe every word of the bible, that God loves me. Have you noticed that for the most part the people in the bible who God delighted in the most were the ones who God allowed to go through so much? Evil king’s were rolling in the dough as prophets were being thrown in jail. I get angry with God a lot, but I never lose sight that He loves me, and that He is God.
I have practically monthly mini break downs where I am yelling and screaming at God, because I am soooo frustrated. I grew up in an abusive household, I spent my youth being bullied in and outside of the home and it took a toll on me when I was in college etc. (insert rest of sob story here) and sometimes loneliness gets to be far too much. SO(and I feel guilty afterwards) I take it out on God. And guess what? I feel better. I cry and then I feel better. Remember nothing can separate us from the love of God. Not singleness, not frustration, not anything.
I would give you advice, but I know from experience any advice can just be annoying and unwanted. So I leave you with this:
I have heard thy prayer and thy supplication, that thou hast made before me: I have hallowed this house, which thou hast built, to put my name there for ever; and mine eyes and my heart shall be there perpetually.
first of all u females standards are to high im not trying to be mean just telling the truth theirs no perfect men or women somtimes u just have to take chances an job wise shit happens youre not a robot thats what they want u to be god will answer your prayers people stress to much its not that serious smoke a blunt or somthing it takes your mind off alot real shirt ALOTTA WOMEN ARE GONNA BE ALONE AN IS REALLY DIE ALONE STOP FALLING FOR FAKE PEOPLE. LOOKS LEAVE YA LOST AN WEALTH AINT WAT IT SEEMS
Um, Chris… first, if you’re going to insult people, at least learn proper grammar and how to construct a sentence… capitals and punctuation are your friends. Secondly, men’s standards are JUST as high if not higher when it comes to looking for a partner. And altho there are some older women dating younger men, it is RARE compared to the number of 50 yr old men dating women in their 20’s. So a guy can screw around his entire life, or spend the time making his career, finances, travel, etc all in order… and then when he’s good and ready and decides he wants a family, he can. Not true for women. Thirdly, smoke a blunt? oh yes, that will solve all our problems…why didn’t I think of that before? – rolls eyes –
What’s worse for me is God providing spouses for other people
Why ? Why them ? What did they do ?
I feel slighted !!!! No jesus isn’t a substitue or stand in husbsnd
I can tell you all talk of jesus as my husband really has me well not liking jesus
People who say they are married to jesus
Well jesus isn’t married to you and you ARE single !!
God may love us but that too is no substitue or in place of being married
I turn 40 next year and been on no dates
My 14 niece will have a bf before me
That’s really messed up !!!
Maybe let go of the anger by telling God exactly how you feel.
What’s also bs is that some want me ut think God is still preparing him what utter bunk that is !
I’m single due to that ? Heck no !
Ask God to brak any hinderances or delaying tactic by the evil one preventing you from getting married there is no reason why you should not be married we are spirit,soul, and body. Cry out to the LORD POUR out your heart to him look up marriage scriptures and claim them as ur own GOD is no respecter of persons
What really upsets me is hearing how God has brought a wonderful person into their life
God has never done for me and many of us here
People say in Gods time / um a day is like a thousand years to God
I scream when I hear or read that ” God is an ontime God ”
I’m sorry but I thin that’s utter bunk too
I feel like I’m waiting for titanic to arrive but know it sank in 1912
I’m in limbo and my life is hell as well !
I’m not happy and yeah God being single is something I never asked for
It’s not the desire of my heart. . This loneliness is killing me and I’m not making it !!!
Ruthie,
In a way, this post was comforting…in a way it opened up a wound…I’m sorry but what does one do, if they think they’ve missed God’s will? There was a young man that I’m pretty sure God had shown me was the one, but then nothing ever happened between us…I just don’t get it…when I was a little girl the Lord was calling me to someday be the wife of a missionary, and He even showed me the face of my future husband…I’m not kidding here…and the young man I mentioned above was the same face God had shown me when I was a little girl…now, I’m jobless, and that young man is off doing ministry work, but not doing the missionary work he was called to do…so how does one reconcile God’s will/His Sovereignty with the above scenario? When I graduated from college, the young man was still there at college, and somehow in my spirit it felt like I was “leaving the will of God” by leaving that college…yes, I did do stuff after college-I didn’t put my life “on hold”- ended up doing different jobs, moving to Maryland for a time to try my hand at teaching, which I had a degree in, etc.. At a certain point several years ago, I gave up this young man to God, and I was happy being single…Then like two years ago, thoughts about this guy came up again, and I ended up paying his church a visit.. wouldn’t you know it, he was there…but he didn’t say a word to me…ugh…it just makes me so angry sometimes…seems like no matter how hard I try, and no matter what job I try my hand at, it all just fails…if God does heal broken hearts and mends broken dreams…he’s got a lot of work to do on me…I’ve really been struggling with bitterness over everything I’ve had to go through…I’ve told God that when I get to Heaven, i’ll have a bone to pick with him over things that I’ve had to go through, questions that have remained unanswered…please pray for me…I’m even considering moving to CA, but not for all the right reasons…I’d really like prayer. Thank you for creating this blog.
Well i certainly hate being single for a man like me, and i do certainly blame God for this one. And when most of your friends are settled down with their family, makes me more very upset too. Was married at one time before she cheated on me, and i was a very caring and loving husband knowing what i had at home and i did not have to go out looking for it anymore. So many very mean and stuck up women nowadays which certainly adds to the problem too.
Just as many mean and stuck up men in the world, Tim. Don’t judge and blame ALL women because you’ve met some b*ches. As you can read on these posts, there are many women who are single and don’t want to be, and would probably love nothing more than to meet a nice guy and settle down.
What I will no longer tolerate are other christians completely making up stuff !!!
Has anyone else heard these false claims ?
” God will not give anything that will replace him …” Implying if He gave you a spouse it would be replacing Him
2 . God is a jealous God and having a spouse would make Him
Jealous – no not making that up either I heard that rubbish
3) one must have an established relationship with God and then and only then will God
Will God bring that person into your life
I could possibly write a book on the utter bunk I have heard other ” Christians ” told me
Can’t leave out for I for 7 where Paul said it’s better for people to remaln as him – ok Paul still isn’t God
It’s beyond me why so many complete strangers were forcing this call to be single bunk on me
For starters why would God involve them ? Not family or friends or on me. !!!!
I have lost trust and confidence in God and it’s bunk that I heard from other Christians is mainly why
Just because I’m single does not mean God called me
They called me not God honestly – heck no !
Stop putting stock in what other christians say and put stock in what GOD says.
Sometimes Christians dont understand …or get it wrong. Jesus said ask and you will receive. seek and you will find knock and the door shall be opened unto you.
In hebrews it says marriage is honorable in all. Isaiah says none shall lack her mate These sound like amazing promises to me why not quote them and remove yourself for time being from people that make you upset Jesus said if you believe you can speak to the mountain and it will be moved. KEY WORD : BELIEVE James says he who doubts is like the wave of the sea tossed to and fro let not that man think he shall receive anything of the lord.
We also have to forgive others maybe cut off generational issues and move forward into the great destiny GOD has for you GOD bless you he loves you
Well i am certainly telling the truth with my last comment, and i speak for myself as well as the other men and women out there looking for a love life that we can’t get. That is very unfair to us, especially that many other men and women that were Very Extremely Fortunate to have met one another and have a family just like many of us would had wanted as well. Why should God punish us this way? What did we do wrong? With all the women nowadays that are Gay And Bi that really adds to the problem, and there are many of us Straight Men And Straight Women that want so much to have someone to meet and have a very happy and healthy life together. Loneliness certainly stinks for many of us, and even God said man should not be alone. And i am sure many of the women out there will agree with me too. Even women should not be alone either. It certainly hurts me very much. And like i mentioned with my last comment, i was a very good, loving and caring husband when i was married before she cheated on me. I have no children either which makes it worse too, and i am very lucky that my mom is still alive and well. She is very much my guarding angel, and understands how i feel.
Tim, why bring gay women into this topic? There are just as many gay men as there are women, and neither group has anything to do with why any of us are single. There are no more gay people today in the world as there were in the past, it’s just that now society is becoming more accepting that they exist so they feel more comfortable coming out earlier than they used to. In fact, it’s better for straight people that gay people are more aware of their own sexuality as early as possible and that they accept that about themselves instead of trying to comply to societies expectations and marry someone of the opposite sex and live a life of lies and secrecy. I have a friend whose mom divorced her dad after years of miserable marriage, and then finally came out as a lesbian. It was horrible for the children, not because she was gay, but because their lives were thrown into chaos and instability for years once the mom left and divorced her husband. It would have been better if she had not denied her sexuality to begin with and never married a man.
I also want to say, this is the second post where you’ve bashed women. On another post you called us mean and stuck up. I do not know you but your posts reek of bitterness. It makes me wonder if you’ve had this hateful attitude towards women all along and maybe that’s why your wife left you? You can’t label all women by your own experiences because other women (who are NICE) WILL pick up on your negative attitude towards them and they are not going to be attracted to you. Trust me on this one. My dad was a very bitter and hateful person who showed nothing but contempt for women my entire life (including towards my mother and me and my 2 sisters). So my whole life I’ve had to listen to my dad bash women and my mom bash all men because she was treated badly by my dad and so she lumped them all together as well. Now at at age 44 I’m only beginning to realize the damage my parents caused me. Up until a few years ago, I had a very negative opinion of men, which I now realize caused me to have an attitude of distrust… which caused me to be overly cautious … which is why now at 44 I have only had one date in my entire life, never had a boyfriend, never even been kissed, and why I believe I’m still single. You keep saying you were a loving caring husband, and maybe you were… but maybe you just THINK you were? My dad says the same thing about himself and still insists to this day he did nothing wrong (even after failed marriage counseling where my mom tried to tell him over and over). So now after 45 yrs of marriage, he finds himself divorced and still blaming my mom instead of realizing that he was just as much to blame as her for the demise of their marriage.
Well i certainly been cursed at by women that i wanted to really meet, and i never expected that to happen to me. i am a good looking man that stays in shape, and i really would like so much to meet a good woman to settle down with. I know other men that had this happened to them as well, and it really makes me wonder how many Sick Women do we have out there nowadays. I certainly would not Curse at a woman that would want to meet me, so why in the world would many of them act this way today? Very obvious why many of us good men can’t meet a good woman anymore these days, and we’re not to blame either.
???????????? What the heck does you being in shape have to do with if women are lesbians or not? You didn’t address anything I said, but that’s fine. It’s apparent by the way you responded why you are still single. Blaming others is always easier than accepting personal responsibility. I wish you well.
Tim says:
September 16, 2014 at 1:40 am
“Well Marie, there are many of us men out there that hate very much to be alone. And many of us men are having it Very Difficult finding love, and do you blame us for that Too? It is very sad that many of us men keep meeting Very Pathetic Loser Women nowadays since there are many of us Real Good Men looking for love that know how to treat a woman very well. And many of your comments have been very insulting to us.”
??????????????????????? What derogatory comments have I made about men? In fact, I wrote an entire post defending men. I said I know many women who group all men together and say they are ALL a-holes, and I said those women were wrong for believing that. All men are not bad, so women shouldn’t group them all together. And in similar fashion, all women are not bad so men shouldn’t group all women together either. That is why I made a comment TO YOU where I suggested that you adjust your attitude because you’ve made more than one comment where you have called women losers, pathetic, sick, stuck up, and then you attacked lesbians. I am not insulting you. I am merely suggesting that if you keep a negative attitude about women, it’s going to affect the way you see women as a whole. And it’s pretty obvious by the way you speak about women that you don’t think very highly of them. If you don’t want me to think that, then maybe you should stop calling women losers, pathetic, stuck up, etc etc etc….. ya think?
Tim why don’t you approach godly christian ladies !! Nothing is impossible internet filled with many testimonies of how god came through for christian men here is a one :
Many years ago I belonged to a small church with a large youth group.
Naturally a lot of the young people married one another except me. But I simply could not find a girl who fitted my artistic nerd goth loner persona.
I wanted to be a monk, however women held more desire. One day I stood on the banks of a river and found a white stone and said to God from that time on I would no longer desire to be a monk but He must give me a wife, and I threw the stone into the river.
About 4 years passed.
On a random day I caught a random train, I actually missed the train I was going to catch,
I also sat in the middle of the train rather than the front where I normally sit.
About half an hour later after a about 9 stations an attractive woman got on the train and despite other seats being available, it was about 10AM, she sat down next to me.
Then she opened her bible.
My heart beat like a drum as each station passed till finally I asked:
“are you a Christian?”
We met on the train in Feb and were married in August and still married after 27 years.
THALLON, Aug 25, 2014
God is a fake.
There are no easy answers for all this; especially when one can find Scripture to support most any argument you care to make. But sinning because we’re angry or bitter at God is only going to make things worse.
Greg ? What exactly is your point ? All I read was your personal opinion and tar that’s all it is
and well why are you here? This is a forum for single women who are struggling
your post isn’t helpful or contributes . You can mention Gods name well so what
Not sorry but you aren’t speaking with His authority
All these bible verses – and they are ? and you say God will only makes things worse
That’s His decision not yours
What would be helpful to you, Kathryn? It seems like you only want “woe is me, I’m single and unhappy too! responses. It’s almost like who has the worst story of all.” Implying that only single women can comment is wrong. You’re not going to like what’s coming, so feel free to stop reading, but I’m going to say it.
Here it is:
I honestly don’t think you want “helpful”. I think you want to keep everything dark and dreadful, and you want company. You’re miserable, and you can only relate to more misery. When someone shares scripture, you get upset about that…”Your thoughts aren’t God’s thoughts!!!”. If someone challenges you to change the way you think, and release the bitterness, you get upset about that. What do you want? Is this just your place to vent? Would you prefer that people not answer, and just let you vent? What do you want to hear, because quite honestly I don’t think you want help. You want to go deeper and deeper into despair, and you want everyone else to join you. Well, sorry…enough is enough.
Get some counseling. Be teachable, and stop acting like people are trying to hurt you, just because they don’t sugar coat the truth, You can’t expect to only hear what you want to hear..which btw, I still can’t figure out exactly what that is. I don’t pretend to know all of what you’re going through, but I can imagine that’it’s pretty rough. Even so, you don’t get to be snarky and mean to people,
What Greg said to you is the truth…whether you want to accept it or not. There are no easy answers, but anger and bitterness will consume, and the process has already started.
Tlynnsmith – I don’t know Kathryn or you but from reading the posts on this thread, I can tell you what she’d find helpful… for YOU to STOP responding to her comments. I’ve been following this thread for a while and I just couldn’t be silent any longer. I’ve noticed that you keep replying to Kathryn over and over even tho what you are saying is obviously upsetting to her and she point blank told you she is NOT interested in your opinions. Yet you keep responding to her, telling her how wrong she is and how she needs to learn from you to hear the truth. Do you realize how self-righteous you sound? You know what….YOU and Christians like you, with your patronizing and condescending attitudes, are the reason I left the church and are why so many non-believers CANNOT STAND Christians and think all Christians are hypocrites, and that Christianity and Jesus are NOTHING but a JOKE. You sit here and say Kathryn doesn’t need to be snarky and mean to people, but look at how you responded to her. You call her miserable, order her to get counseling and be “teachable”, and then tell her to stop acting like people are trying to hurt her. Maybe people HAVE hurt her so now she is sensitive to when people criticize her, as you have been doing this entire thread. Maybe she HAS been in counseling for the past 15yrs. You have no idea because you don’t know her. But whether she has been to counseling for 15yrs, 15 days, or never…whether she comes here to just vent, wants help, doesn’t want help, wants to be miserable, etc etc…. it is NONE of your business. Keep your sanctimonious commentary on her personal life to yourself unless she specifically ASKS you, which she did NOT. Why do you care so much anyway? Skip over her posts if you don’t like what she has to say, and stop trying to shove your unwanted bible talk down her throat. She obviously does NOT want to hear it and has told you that over and over. Since you like the bible so much, pay heed to this scripture… Matthew 10:14 — “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” Just leave her alone already. Maybe you’re the one who needs therapy since you appear to be obsessed with her and insist upon commenting on the life of a perfect stranger on an internet message board.
First off, if you post anything online, you really don’t have control over who responds. Sorry. Secondly, I don’t only respond to her. That’s not the truth.
A gentleman chimed in, and she bit his head off, and he was very gentle…. but very truthful. What he said was spot on. But yeah, I’m done here, because while I definitely understand the pain of wanting companionship, I’m not going to give up on life. I’m sorry if my directness offends you, but there has to be balance. There’s enough “God hasn’t been good to me!! ” sentiments in this comment section to fuel a lifetime. Seems like most wanna drown in despair. That’s sadder than not having a mate.
Some people are very bitter and nothing you say or do will be enough. If you put your business out there, don’t get wiped out when folks address it.
Peace..
Tlynnsmith – I dont know if you’re a man or a woman, but either way i just wanna say a couple things….
First….dude, you don’t get it. I never said you only responded to her. I said you KEEP responding to her even tho she told you 14 posts ago that she didn’t want your opinions. Thus why I put up Matthew 10:14.
Yes I understand that when you write things online and there is a reply button available, it’s inevitable that people are gonna reply to you. But when you reply you don’t have to insult people and that’s what did to her, at least in your last post to her.
I also didn’t say you shouldn’t reply to anyone else. You should keep replying to other people if you feel compelled to do so, because maybe you will say something to someone else that will help them, but it’s obvious Kathryn is not interested so just move on and try and help another person.
You say you cant help some people no matter what you say or do and that is true, but… it’s not your job to help everyone either. You know the saying… you can’t save the world. If you are trying to help someone and they are not open to your message, but you keep shoving it at them anyway, all you’re doing is making them angry and pushing them further away.
Your directness does not offend me. Your arrogance does. You keep referring to “the truth”, but the only thing you are expressing is your opinion, and opinions are very overrated in this world. I know you believe what you say is not an opinion, because like many Christians, you keep referring to god’s word and his plan and yadda, yadda, yadda… and so you think that what you say IS the truth, but not everyone believes in what you are saying. It may be the truth to you but it’s not the truth to everyone. But when you keep insisting you are right and others are wrong, it makes you come across like you think you are superior to the person you are speaking to. There is nothing more annoying than to be talked down to and patronized. “Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.” – Warren W. Wiersbe
And lastly…you are correct. There does seem to be a lot of despair in this comment section. There is a reason for that… people are in immense pain. Nobody WANTS to drown in despair. It’s called depression and it’s an illness. Robin Williams died of it recently in case you haven’t been watching the news. If you don’t want to give up on life, good for you. We are not all that lucky to have healthy brains. I have suffered from chronic major depressive disorder from the time I was 15yrs old to present. I have thought about taking my own life numerous times over the years, but I’ve never been able to work up the nerve to do it. I’ll leave you with what has become my favorite quote, because it describes my life perfectly…
“Preachers teach the blessings of adversity, but I now believe too much adversity breaks a person down. Season after season I had worked incessantly to keep my land from blowing, and no effort of mine had proved fruitful. Words are useless to describe the experience when the thin thread of faith snaps. My youth and ambition were ground into the very dust itself. I was finally ready to admit defeat.” – Lawrence Svobida, farmer during the Great Depression Dust bowl, (1931-1939), USA
Thank you Marie !
I have been to counseling
I’m currently in a support group for Christians
Who have been manipulated and spiritually abused by people like the one you responded too
He’s an example why I too stopped going to church
They got in the way of God !!!
Them and their personal opinons. !!!
I want to read my bible not people don’t know they know squat. !
There is a song that has helped me actually 2
Billy Joels ” my life ”
And the hook of a song – they act like they know but they really really Don’t know
That other person knows nothing !
You’re welcome Kathryn. : )
Well Marie, there are many of us men out there that hate very much to be alone. And many of us men are having it Very Difficult finding love, and do you blame us for that Too? It is very sad that many of us men keep meeting Very Pathetic Loser Women nowadays since there are many of us Real Good Men looking for love that know how to treat a woman very well. And many of your comments have been very insulting to us.
Tlynn Smith, You know what, you have your opinion about it. Throwing scripture around doesn’t fix anything like some magic potion. You are not standing in her shoes, and trivializing her pain with your comments does not help either. I know what would help Kathryn, to not to have to deal with an issue that she was born with against her will. She is confused and hurting about how her life has turned out, and I can’t say I much blame her. How about loving her right were she is right now and showing her some mercy. I wish we were all together in a room so that I could throw my arms around her and just weep with her in her pain and confusion. I can’t fix it, but I wish to Hades I could. She wants a husband lover and babies, not a bunch of empty cliches and platitudes. Not more judgement from us. She has gotten enough of that. I love the both of you, and I hurt for everyone in here, but if anyone should be able to extend this woman some mercy and understanding then it should be everyone of us here. COME ON!!!!!
Why don’t you join a internet dating agency such as okcupid or divine affection single a singles and christian group on facebook. Also bind the spirit of asmodeus keeping many singles from marriage and/or spirit of delay. Perhaps you are also just looking for only a certain type of look there are so many lovely girls.
Giray, thank you very much for your advice.
Never tell a single christian
1) God has called you to be single
2) God has other plans
3) it’s not Gods will
4) is there any unconfessed sin in your past
5) tell God if he wants you to be single for the rest of your then you are ok with it
6) must be content in your singleness
7) God is your husband
8) you must have an established relationship with God first
9) get out of Gods way
10) Be encouraged when God blesses someone else with a spouse
11) Paul said in I cor 7 ….
12) isn’t God enough ?
13 ) God is a jealous God and can’t handle you having a spouse
14) now God isn’t going to give something that replaces Him
– that’s a sample of the utter bunk other Christians told me
I can add one more statement that was not helpful; in fact, it cut deeply:
“You are exactly where God wants you to be.”
A former Facebook friend told me this after my husband died unexpectedly 4 years ago, leaving me alone and childless at 44. One month later, my mother lost her lower right leg to gangrene after a botched toenail removal, and since her mental capacity was diminished, I had to sign the surgical consents. (She, too, died just over a year later. Her physical decline was slow and painful, and I had to watch it on the heels of becoming a widow.) This gem of a statement was delivered in the midst of this mess.
Really? God wants me to lose family members, remain childless, and hurt to the core of my soul, all while He remains silent? If this was supposed to be comforting, it failed miserably. It just painted God as using utter cruelty to get His way. If I was supposed to become more dependent on Him, this mess didn’t work. In fact, it helped drive me farther away.
I can add a few more…
Whenever I’ve shared my feelings of despair about never having a boyfriend, wanting a husband and a family of my own (IE – children), and expressing feelings of upset that I’ve never experienced love or sex …..I’ve been told by several family members who were currently married (but in bad marriages) and by several who already had children…
1. You don’t want a man, they’re all a**holes. ( I’ve heard this so many times it’s crazy)
2. All men suck, be glad you don’t have one. (and heard this… dozens? hundreds? of times)
3. Sex isn’t all its cracked up to be. (yeah right, ok???)
4. I try and find ways to avoid sex. (told to me by 3 female relatives who detested their husbands).
5. I know you’re 35, 40, 44, etc …but don’t give up, you could even meet someone in your 60’s! (um….ok??)
6. You’re lucky you don’t have kids because you can do whatever you want. (well I WANT to have kids)
7. Having kids isn’t all its cracked up to be. (um… I hope you don’t tell your own kids that)
8. You can always adopt. (even tho they know I’m too financially poor and I’m in bad health so I can’t adopt).
9. You’re lucky you aren’t married, you don’t have to be anyone’s maid, cook, slave, etc (neither do you. if you allow people to take advantage of you, then that’s your problem)
10. All things happen for a reason! (tell me the reason I was struck down by an incurable illness at age 29 that has stolen my youth, my energy, my ability to work, my social life, all my friends, my faith, and sucked every ounce of joy out of my soul?)
11. God never gives anyone more than they can handle. (yes he does, if he exists. But I even doubt that now).
To all these people I wanted to say…
– Just because you married an a-hole, doesn’t mean all men suck, it means YOUR man sucks.
– Just because you have a bad marriage doesn’t mean I will.
– Just because your husband won’t help you around the house doesn’t mean all men are that way.
– Just because you hate your marriage and your husband (and he’s probably a selfish pig in bed) and you detest having sex with him so you avoid trying to have sex at all costs, doesn’t mean I’m gonna hate sex with a man I love who treats me well and isn’t a selfish jerk.
– If you hate men, sex, and children so much why did you date, get married, have sex, have children?
And finally, the one thing I am dying to say to all these people who say ignorant stupid things without any regard for my feelings…. It’s really easy for you to say men, marriage, sex, and children aren’t all that great because YOU ALREADY HAVE THEM. Funny how YOU wanted a man, wanted to be married, wanted to have sex, and wanted children and GOT to have them ALL, but now because it didn’t work out the way YOU wanted it to or because YOU picked the wrong spouse, YOU have a bad sex life, YOU think having children is too much work or more work than you anticipated, and YOU made bad choices, wrong choices, or wish you made different choices because your life isn’t what you wanted it to be….now you want to put down these things that not only I, but MOST human beings want so desperately…. which is love, companionship, a sense of belonging and of being wanted, and a family of our own. I want to be a mother and a grandmother, but that is never gonna happen because I’m too old to have my own children and I’m too poor to adopt. And YES.. I’m not ashamed to say, I want a SEX LIFE….oh the horror that I have what every other human being on earth has… sexual needs and desires that I would like to enjoy and experience, and I’m not sorry that I feel this way! I’m not some obsessed pervert because I express a desire to want to have sex….IT IS NORMAL!
Wow, Marie! Another post that I could’ve written! I certainly understand your frustration. To say a person’s only choices are no marriage or a bad marriage is simply not true. Some people have decent marriages; I know several of them.
By the way, I just checked my other email spam folder…found your email. I’ll answer as soon as I can.
Susan
Marie not everyone has sexual needs
I don’t and never will . It’s due to a birth defect
Im asexual and have no desire for sex and sex is not why I want to marry
I can’t have kids due to same birth defect
Not trying to be r
Marie not everyone has sexual needs
I don’t and never will . It’s due to a birth defect
Im asexual and have no desire for sex and sex is not why I want to marry
I can’t have kids due to same birth defect
Not trying to be rude but everyone doesn’t have sexual needs
My concern is sex . Is that what marriage is all about
If so marriage isn’t and can’t be for me
My desire for companionship should not be negated due to a birth defect
I had no input in . I didn’t make a bad choice in my life
God made the bad choice by making me this way
Sex is an obstacle I cannot get past but also not I
Won’t try to . I have no Labido but honestly I’m thankful for that of all things
I don’t want or need one
There is far far far far more to life than sex
Sex shouldn’t be the sole reason to marry
That marriage is doomed to fail as many actually have
I want to get married but it’s for companionship not sex
But know I will find no one and will remain alone
As a follow up I’m not celibate
Celibacy is a choice
I didn’t choose to be asexual it’s a medical
Condition as a result of my birth defect
I’m not confused I just have no desire for
sex and not saying this to make me feel better
I don’t want the desire . I’m never having sex
Because it’s something I never want or need it do
No this isn’t selfish this is who I always have Been
Not not gender confusion or some kind of bad experience in my past
I truly am asexual
Kathryn I did not say marriage is only about sex, nor did I say everyone has sexual needs. I said I DO. I was only talking about myself and no one else. And I also said I want children and companionship as well. My entire point of writing what I did was that people who are already married and have husbands and children and have experienced sex keep telling me that I shouldn’t want them because they aren’t so great. It wasn’t just about wanting sex but all the other things as well.
Kathryn, you keep saying you are asexual and will find no one and will remain alone. I do not know anything about being asexual, but couldn’t you join a group with other asexuals and maybe meet someone else who also has no desire for sex but would like a companion? I’m sure you can’t be the only person who is asexual so maybe there is someone out there who feels the same as you do? Unless you mean you will remain alone for other reasons?
Marie, I especially like number 8, for the same reasons you mentioned it as well as the fact that it is not a cure all for the desire to have a natural baby with a husband of your own. All of your statements are very good, and I especially like how you stood up for kathryn. I have struggled myself with hanging on to my faith and it is funny how the very group of people who are supposed to be placed around you, basically in my opinion serve only to really tear your faith down. I kinda grew to be disgusted with my pastor (a female with three children and grandchildren) who was the source of very many comments about how I should be content with the love of Jesus and so on and do forth, and apparently my insistance on not wanting to be helped or really healed from Multiple Sclerosis or the emotional pain of being alone and now barren. It has been hard to not hate the fact that I am even alive, but I have to say that somehow hearing the true uncovered hearts of everyone here has somehow ministered more to me than any stupid comment that the people at my church has made.
Tsmith one isn’t addressing anything when giving out a personal opinion
I don’t want or need yours – stop giving them !!
I too have heard that where you are is where
God wants you to be – that’s a lie
I know I will never get married I guess I’m ok with it
What I’m not ok with is this utter bunk
That God called me to be single and Jesus is my husbsbd
Like heck he is . To me that’s the part I have issue with
Jesus is no more my husband than the man on the moon
I just have to salvage what’s left of my life
I don’t love life / it sucks just try to distract myself from how much it does
People used to tell me count your blessings and he gave you good health
Um no he didn’t .
Marie um you did say ” what everyone on the planet has …sexual desires ”
So yeah you did say it actually . Just being honest here . ” everyone else on the planet ” doesn’t have sexual desires
Which was my point and still is
Kathryn, um…it was a figure of speech and I was being facetious, seeing as how I don’t know every person on the planet, but ok…. I apologize that I said “everyone on the planet” and change it to “many people on the planet”. Happy? I don’t know why you keep harping on this with me as I already explained to you what I meant and that my point of my comment wasn’t even about sex. But apparently you missed my point and then missed the point of my explanation of my point. So here, I’ll say it again… I was only referring to MY OWN WANTS AND NEEDS AND DID NOT MEAN TO IMPLY that MY NEEDS are the same as others. OK? I also did not refer to you by name in my comment so stop taking everything so goddamn personally. Despite what you may think you do not corner the market on loneliness and lack of companionship or anger with god. In case you haven’t noticed, there are numerous comments on this thread written by people who all struggle with those same issues. I came here looking for support and understanding and maybe hoping to not feel so alone, and I do not need to be attacked or have every word i say be dissected by someone with a huge chip on their shoulder. I think I owe Tlynnsmith an apology… he/she was right…. you are argumentative. This is my last comment to you. Have fun arguing with yourself.
I repent jesus forgive me what I said im sorry to blame god….
Why are people on here making this page a place of argument. ..are we not here to purely write down our frustration about being dealt the singles card…does there have to be toppers on here…toppers to me are people that just always have to top up to be better then every one else…just say what you want to god and move on get over it and just take what people have to say on here and relate because we are all in the same boat unless your just one of those toppers wanting to be playing the harp loader that everyone else…
Dealt the singles card ?
Ok then who dealt that card ?
Who’s the dealer
To me this sounds like people are waiting for
Someone else to decide this
Why can’t one decide this and not rely on
Some “card. “
God is a fake the way i see it, and who in the world would want to be Alone with No Wife And Family? Not Me.
Ben
Im so sorry you feel this way, i know this post is a little long but please hear me out:-
How are you going about looking for a partner? (If you dont want to say how then thats fine)
From my experience Jesus revealed to me that i have a habit of wanting everything RIGHT NOW. and that i should practice patience with His help and things will work out the way they were meant to,, He spoke to me though a caterer at a funeral back in July (she knows nothing about me). Which was true because i have been kicking and screaming for God to bring me a spouse, and the more i see my peers settling down onebyone the more frustrated i became. I even lost sleep over it. The frustration came because my peers would get paired off with amazing men whilst i get paired up with abusive bullies who pressured me into giving them my body then humiliate &dump me. And after that, spent the last 8 years dateless not by choice unfortunately..
Now for the past couple of months i unexpectedly met a nice christian man who is beautiful inside and out. We are not dating as yet, only talking. But if we end up as friends then thats ok, i thank God in advance that i now have a great new friend to discuss my spiritual walk with,, this has happened because i finally let go and let God. Its also hard letting God take control i know that.
God is very real give Him a chance. Lean on Him be patient and allow him to guide your life.
Dear Vanessa, thank you very much for your support.
Ewwww, Marsha….I hear you on the toppers thing, but the way you are coming across right now, I feel like there should be a special word for what you are doing…..I just don’t know what to name it. Still sorry for your pain, just not liking your attitude right now.
To all you single virgin ladies who want a Godly husband-I feel for you. I have never had a boyfriend (or sex) much less a fiance. I thought for a while I may have had a potential mate at church but he ended up verbally abusing me after 2 months so we broke up. That is the LONGEST I have ever dated a guy. I really enjoyed having someone to watch movies with, and KISS-had not been kissed since 1982 (18 years old)! I have not given up. They say when you pray write down what you want in a man as well as what you don’t want and be specific. I have tried internet dating and no luck. I am going to try to get into some christian charity work during the week as one website told me this was a good way to meet potential mates. I am pretty attractive (platinum blonde hair, 5’8″ but with some weight to lose). It does seem like the people who fornicate get all the mates. You need to have others pray for you a mate as well. At one time I was told I have something called a “spirit spouse”-a demon that prevents men/women from getting married and if already married tries to break them up along with impotence, female trouble, etc. I don’t know if these exist but I am going through deliverance to cover all the bases just in case! I would also try fasting and if you know any Godly prophets who hear from the Lord easily have them ask what is holding up your desire for a mate. Best of luck to you all.
I know the feeling of putting in every inch of effort into God, but.. don’t see anything in return. I’m 29 yrs old, and I have felt cursed since birth. We have to remind ourselves that we’re dealing with spiritual warfare. This battle is dealing with the spiritual realm, not flesh. Right now I have been dealing with rejection from men, and it leaves me feeling hurt on the inside. There are so many things that I am dealing with right now. I just want to give at times, but God won’t let me. I have learned to BIND up demonic spirits, that has helped a lot.
I’ll say this out loud..
I bind up the spirit of depression
Spirit of distraction
Spirit of hex
spirit of witchcraft
spirit of anger, control, loneliness,
Rejection, scare tactics, fear,
Iniquity, …and so on.
Then say, “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus
And command you to leave” you have no legal
ground. I close any door that I may have open.
Say this before going to bed. And before leaving your home.
Speak to your mountain as Jesus said. Be joyful you will get married continue to look after yourself join a walking bible club or a subject that interests you Elisha goodman has a prayer ministry specifically for singles that want to marry
I love this site and the raw honesty! Ruthie this article and readers comments caused me to seek God for all tose who believe they can’t find a spouse remember nothing is impossible get up and try again here is amazing testimony : Last year, my sister was single, she was a Christian but not very involved with the Word. I always prayed for her, that God would make her closer to Him, she would embrace him and would find a Godly spouse. My mum and I would hold agreement prayers on her “issue”. In December 2011, she met a great guy who was Godly, had a great job, lovely house, he was every woman’s “dream”. She was happy! My mum and I were praying for them, but in February, my sister revealed that he was not interested in marriage. We were down in the dumps, my mum was sort of like “no need to pray again then”. Everyone was dejected. However, at the beginning of the year, I made a declaration to my sister; that THIS IS HER YEAR! I told her she would get engaged and married this year! So, after that happened, I was totally dejected. I looked at myself and said- Oh ye of little faith (Matthew 8:26). It was only February, we still had 10 months to go and the God we serve is UNLIMITED! AMEN! I told my mum that my sister was still getting married this year! To who? I didn’t know but God said none shall lack a mate (Isaiah 34:16) and I declared; she will not lack one. AMEN.
To cut a long story short, my sister met a great Godly man that same month…..He took my sister to see his parents last week, they gave their blessing for the marriage…Their dates have been picked; first week in January 2013! Not bad eh? (I was only a week off)! We thank God!
Why do you think your prediction had anything to do with it ?
I’ve had people say this was my year as well and nothing happened
Bottom line you had nothing to do with this
Lana Vawser
11 hrs ·
Felt this on my heart for many:
Don’t give up! Blessing and increase is about to erupt!!! You have not been forgotten. The enemy may be saying your next season will be one of disappointment and loss but heaven is declaring as you keep your eyes on Him increase, fulfilled promises, heavenly alignment and extraordinary joy and freedom that you have not experienced before. You have not been forgotten!!!!
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Been fighting a losing battle my entire life. Abusive childhood, Loss of friends after they married, struggle with earning a living, even after a life of praying and putting my life in “God’s hands”. Ha. I did my part, trying to put myself out there and being rejected for everything (except sex). Working hard, getting nowhere, Can’t find a job now. Trying to get through every day and not whine, Being ridiculed by even family members (having a child relative relaying insults that other family members said about me in front of them-spinster loser, etc.)….and some of these same people were pregnant out of wedlock and married by default. And I’m a freak for wanting to do it right? In my mid 50’s now. Lonely. Still being ridiculed. I attend family functions and try not to cry because I am the only single and childless person there, I have tried my heart out and am tired now. It was all a lie-God-the world is a vile place for people like me and even though I am not starving or living in a third world country, it still rips me to shreds.
I’ve given up on a husband. I’ve prayed and I guess I’m not good enough. I’ve decided to date women.
Don’t give up, and there are many of us Good Straight Men hoping to find love too. It is bad now that they approved Gay Marriage since more and more people will be going with their own sex now. The bible did say Adam And Eve, Not Adam And Steve. And they Never should’ve allowed GAY MARRIAGE from the very beginning which is NOT normal by the way, and i really do feel very sorry for the children since the innocent ones always have to suffer.
The constitution says equality for ALL, not just straight Christians. It also says separation of church and state, so the church needs to butt the hell out of people’s CIVIL RIGHTS. Gay marriage never should have been banned because it violates the constitutional rights of gays and lesbians. If you don’t believe in gay marriage, then don’t marry a man. If a church doesn’t wanna marry two men or two women, then fine… but those couples SHOULD be allowed to go to the state courthouse or a justice of the peace and be married if they so choose. You can believe as you wish, but don’t try to force your beliefs and your GOD on others and make laws forcing us to believe and worship as you do. NO THANKS. We don’t live in the United CHRISTIAN States of AmeriKA. Also, if you really believe making gay marriage will suddenly cause straights to turn gay, you need a science lesson. It’s not contagious. Oh and don’t blame gay people cause you can’t find a “good christian woman”.
The converse is true, too: gay people will not suddenly turn straight. How many gay people, in states where they previously couldn’t legally marry, said to themselves, “Oh, I see the error of my ways. I resolve right now to date and marry a member of the opposite sex!” I guarantee that number is zero or something approaching it. Sexuality does not change on a whim. I have a number of gay male friends, and, unless they are actually bisexual, they will never be attracted to me.
Exactly Martha. Unfortunately I know of too many cases where a gay man or lesbian woman, trying to conform to society’s standards and also not disappoint family, tried to live as a straight person and married someone of the opposite sex and had kids… only to then divorce years later. It causes a lot of hurt and turmoil for those families… spouses who feel lied to and betrayed and as tho their entire life was a lie and children who are confused, hurt, and betrayed. Better to let people be who they are right from the get go and avoid all that. Ps – I am a straight female, so I have no horse in this race. I just believe if we’re gonna continue to promote America as the greatest country on earth then we’d better start acting like it.
Yes! I can relate. Some times I feel like what is the point of trying to be obedient if God is just going to pour out blessings on someone else who comes back to him for a day or two? At first it was school and now it is a husband. I truly would rather God take the desire for a husband away if He has no intentions of fulfilling it anytime soon. I mean, what is the point of allowing this sickening, heart-heavy desire to dwell in me if He is not going to give me it? I hate it. I have only wanted one other thing as much as I want a husband and I was thoroughly disappointed in God. I spent years crying out to God for a college education…I mean I wanted the whole experience, dorm etc. I finally began to ask God to just take the desire away from me, and after too many years of heartache and torture He did. I don’t want to go to college now. But now there is this desire and all I hear is “trust God’s timing” one prominent woman even keeps talking about this forty year old woman who got married for the first time AND got pregnant on the honeymoon. I’m twenty-six years old. That doesn’t do anything but make me even more depressed. Who wants to deal with a newborn and a new marriage all at once while being middle aged?! How do I know I would even have the energy for that? Not to mention forty is a long ways from twenty-six, I want to experience love in my youth! I haven’t been on even a casual date in my life. I’ve never experienced mutual attraction, and I just feel like it is so unfair. Sometimes, I do regret coming into my faith at a very young age. I sit here struggling to seek God, spending my Fridays alone, trying to be obedient and the only thing I get is “trust me” The only comforting thought is that I’m not the only one this is happening to me.
Where in the Bible does it say God will always do what we want, without it taking faith from us in HIM first? Brokenness = a place for Him to fill, especially if on a regular basis! In all the extensive stories from the Bible we usually relate to this topic of waiting, loneliness, doubt, dissatisfaction, etc, these people were honest with God about how they felt toward Him, time and time again, and that’s partially why He still blessed them, because it’s a relationship,where we can be REAL with Him, not a shady business with payments, uncaring persuasion, or manipulative words that aren’t followed up-on. Time in the Word is so important, not only alone, but with other believers as well.
I’m not trying to backhandedly tell anyone “Your faith isn’t enough”. I hate when people say that. I’m simply saying the Word is true when it says it is alive and active and inspired by God. And asking Him how to understand it in our lives is so very important to overcoming depression and bitterness, which I deal with sometimes too.
NONE of the ” major” people in the Bible expected their lives to turn out the way they did, or knew how every positive thing would even be painful sometimes. In Hebrews, some of this is described. Many of those saints (those who walk with the Lord…that can be you and me) waited for things they wanted and NVER saw them. We are being fooled if we think God is here only to please us. BUT we are also fooled if we think He doesn’t love or want to let us be pleased from the goodness He is, therefore the goodness He gives.
He’s right to say He’s God and does things on His clock and that man seeks his own way, but the Lord has a right way for things.. He’s also right when He describes us as the sheep He tenderly loves and cares for. Judge what “love” and “care for” mean by The Word, not by the world, or even only on other believer’s lives. You and Him. You and The Word. Ask for help to tune out the images of others and focus on His relationship with YOU.
I love you. He loves you more. For He so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son for you as you believe in Him to inherit everlasting life with Him. What more can we need? He knows His desires for the secondary things in our life like financial stability, marriage, influence, friends, etc, but the most.important gift is truly Himself. Being with Him not only when we die, but now.
By the way, I’m single and in my 20’s. It’s not the same as being 30, 40 + and single I’m sure, but you know what is the same? That God sent His Son into the world not to condemn it but to save it. Also, that those who seek this kingdom will not be disappointed in the end. Our focus is all too often on the gifts we want more of, or feel we have none of and want, rather than what He has already given us and promises in The Word to those who seek to tell others in faith about Him. Lies like “Well, I can’t do what God wants me to if He doesn’t give me a spouse now” and “Time is up now. He’s had plenty of time to decide go give me that and He hasn’t, so He failed and I’m quitting on Him” are straight from hell and focused totally on the self rather than The Christ.
Tiffany, you’re right… being in your 20’s is not the same as being in your 30s, 40s, or 50s. In my 20s I still had hope, my health, friends/a social life, a job, and my faith. Now at 44 I literally have NONE of those things. If you get to be my age and never experience a relationship, dating, marriage, (and children if that is something you want), and lose everything you thought your life would be, then come back and comment again. I guarantee you, your attitude towards God will not be the same.
Ha! I was thinking exactly the same thing when I read Tiffany’s post, since I’m now 54. I mean absolutely no disrespect to you, Tiffany, but I can also guarantee that your thoughts and outlook will be different after living for a couple of more decades alone. You sound just like I did when I was your age. Things change, unfortunately more than we sometimes wish. I’m not the optimistic Christian I used to be. 35 years of constantly being told my husband’s probably right around the corner is pretty hard to take when he never shows up. That’s an awfully long time to wait and hope. It really does wear you down.
If I may be bold enough to give those in their 20’s any advice, I would say do whatever you can to meet good Christians and find someone to marry! Don’t hesitate; the years go by faster than you think! I look back and see very clearly how the guys I dated in my 20s, although not right for me, were the guys who were truly interested in marriage (they are all married now). Once they get to a certain age, the chances of them marrying are slim. The ones who are really serious about finding a wife somehow make sure they find one! Now I’m left with either no one at all being interested or, if I find one who is, he’s got a million excuses not to commit. Those are the guys who will never marry. My ex was incredibly afraid of 1) marrying the wrong person; or 2) marrying someone who would end up changing after the wedding. My answer to that? Sorry for the language, but: GROW A PAIR AND TAKE A CHANCE!!! I just can’t believe these Christian guys would rather go to their graves single and celibate than take a chance on marriage like everyone else seems to have the guts to do!!!
The Bible does not require you to find the perfect person for you, or your “soul mate”. People have such high self-esteem these days that they think most regular people aren’t good enough for them. They think they’re so wonderful that they shouldn’t have to “settle” for an average person. Just find a good solid Christian, someone you can get along with, and marry them! It’s not that hard! They don’t have to be perfect because guess what? You’re not perfect! No such thing as a perfect marriage.
I guess I’m just getting some of my frustration out tonight.
(((Susan))) By the way, I finally did get your email but I have been sicker than normal since before Thanksgiving! It has literally been one thing after the other right in a row (on top of the fibro), so I haven’t been online much the last couple months. Currently I’m still trying to recover from the flu, so I’m trying to work on my email back to you in between hacking my lungs out and moving the heating pad to various achy body parts. LOL Needless to say, it’s been slow going. haha