You’re Going to be O.K.

My emotions grabbed my heart. I sobbed uncontrollably.

Hiding in a dark office, the feelings were all too familiar. The unanswered questions about Michael’s health left me ridden with anxiety and fear. The mile high medical bills seemed to remind me at every turn of my inadequacy. The uncertainty of the future turned my focus towards God. “Why is this happening?” “What are we to do?”

It was a familiar dark place. Confusion. Why questions. Feeling forgotten by God. But I’d been there before-in China, when my team fell apart. In college, when I suffered rejection. And throughout  my childhood, when I believed my circumstances were God’s punishment. As many of you know, God has never allowed even an ounce of pain to go to waste-but used it and continues to use it for His glory.

It’s hard to remember, isn’t it? I was so tired of fighting. I called Michael and told him, “I just want life for once to be easy. I’m sick of everything being so hard.” Have you experienced this moment before?

Finally, I wiped the mascara off my face & pulled myself together. It felt good to cry and let my feelings out. I grieved a loss of control last week. Control I never had in the first place.

Do we ever really have control? Are we ever guaranteed health? Wealth? Success? Control is an illusion and through this experience we are learning to open tightly clinching fists on what we believe we deserve.

Shattered Dreams, by Larry Crabb, states a powerful truth: “People who insist on happiness never find joy.” If we don’t grieve our losses, our confusion, our unanswered questions-then we never find joy.

My story is a testimony of light breaking into the darkest places. I lived without hope for decades until I trusted Grace to carry me out of the darkness. My life is outlined by redemption-and the truth that “God always, always redeems” is never far from my mind.

Madeline L’Engle wrote, “Maybe we have to know the darkness before we can appreciate the light.” I believe without being well-acquainted with darkness, we cannot fully grasp the overwhelming joy of living in the Light. If we do not understand the fear of losing our sight, we cannot begin to grasp the joy that comes as Light flings open the doors and tells us, “You’re going to be ok.”

Remember? He has overcome the world. Whatever you are going through today, I pray Light breaks in and offers you the warmth of hope, knowing that everything will be ok.

[Michael is doing much better now that his symptoms have gone away-but these moments were very scary and very real. He returned to work & for the most part we are back to life as normal. Please continue to keep us in your prayers! ]

Are you in a place where you want reassurance that everything is going to be ok? How do you deal with losing control? 

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18 Responses to “You’re Going to be O.K.”
  1. Tatuu says:

    Glad to hear that Michael is doing much better. Now, THAT is good news.

    I have been in situations that I need CONSTANT reassurance that things are going to be alright. I have lost control…I can’t even count how many times, but there is always peace that comes with opening the Bible and just reading it…again God is a good dad, He communicates to/with His children. Opening my Bible and reading always reminds me of how real God is because…when I am open to hearing from Him, I read a verse that speaks straight to my situation. In my whys and hows and all that…I have learnt to look up to God. It is the only way out.

    I remember a particular day I had totally lost it. I was crying…and decided to kneel down and pray beside my bed. I couldn’t pray so I reached out for my Bible, I couldn’t read it but instead continued crying. I think I ended up under the bed…if I have ever had control, then that day I had lost all of if, used up my reserve and it was reading negative. To cut the long story short, God came through for me. Don’t know how but He did. He is a good dad remember?

  2. angelinaballerin says:

    I love the quote by Larry Crabb! Thank you for sharing. Still praying for Michael.

  3. Michael says:

    How can I not be madly in love with this woman?

  4. only4given says:

    Thank you for the encouragement. Still praying.

  5. Angela says:

    Thank you for sharing this today. I needed to be reminded that I will be ok, whatever happens. I have MS and have suffered a relapse. The inflammation is now in my spinal column, increasing the chances of loosing movement in my legs. That scares me. The loss of independence, of control. I am single with no family close by. How will I cope? Where will I live? Why God, I was doing so good and able to work for you again? These are the questions and fears that have been running through my mind and heart the last few days. I’ve been listening to the Psalms alot and finding great comfort in them. Thanks again for the reminder that because of God, I will be ok.

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Angela, I responded yesterday but now I see it didn’t go through. Thanks for sharing! So difficult to trust God despite our unknown (and scary) circumstances. You will be ok-because He’s a good Dad.

  6. schmee11 says:

    Thanks Ruthie for sharing this….I have been really struggling with letting go of some things in my life. I have a control issue and this is a great reminder that I am not in control only God is. The Lord is so gracious and loving! He loves us unconditionally and I know that in these times I can kneel before him and really cry out to Him. The Lord is moving in my life and God is doing for me what I could never do for myself. Thanks so much for the encouraging post and many blessings your way…How can I pray for you guys?

    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Hi Smith! It’s difficult to let go of control and trust. God is not asleep at the switch. He is a good Dad and will continue to take care of you!

      Please pray for continued healing for Michael! We hope the Lord continues to draw us closer throught this experience.

  7. doriszhou says:

    Everything going to be all right Ruthie ! i am sorry to hear you two have been throught this hard time .you are so brave and strong to overcome all you negatives thoughts .all i can say is i am so proud of you :) you always be there for us when we need a friend .i want say i am here for you too .Thanks for sharing this to us .we all love you and will continuely pray for you and Michael .
    Life is hard sometimes .but with believing in God faithfully we shall overcome all the difficuties and make us stronger and stronger …

    Love you


    • Ruthie Dean says:

      Doris! Always good to hear from you on here. I remember all those times in Chengdu together-remember going to the hospital? thanks for praying for us and for being such a good friend! Your English is still so good:) Proud of you for working so hard!

  8. Alice Bartlett says:

    We have been praying for you and Michael. Our daughter Joy, married Michael’s Uncle Ken.
    Joy knows that I look at your blog and she called us and asked us to pray as soon as they heard about the problem with Michael’s health.
    I signed up for the prayer list but have not received anything. I am not great at technology but I hope this gets to you because we did want you to know of our love for you both and our prayers.
    Thank you for the wonderful witness you are for our Lord. He is amazing and greatly to be praised.

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